New Digs

Well, it's been in a little over a week since I moved to my new digs in the suburb of Wheeling. Never thought I'd ever want to leave Chicago, but even in Wheeling, I'm not that far away from the city if I need to drive in for a leather event or to hang out with a couple of friends who still live near or around the area. I like the wide open spaces of the burbs, the quiet, the less congestion, and the mentality of the folks who just generally seem nicer all around. For example, on the day I moved in, two complete strangers asked if I needed an extra set of hands as I finished bringing in some of the boxes that I wanted to move myself rather than throwing in the truck; wow, I thought how refreshing.

The new place has a lot to offer, more storage space, a patio, huge parking lot, less than a mile to the train so I can get to work, a much bigger bedroom with a walk in closet, gorgeous plush, light brown carpeting which goes perfectly with all my furniture and a secured building with 24 hr maintenance. To some, these little perks may not seem like a lot, but in my old place, which was a converted basement apartment, I had to deal with ongoing seepage, especially when we had heavy rains or snow, and worse, when the snow melted. In the summer or winter, I fought with the neighbors upstairs over the thermostat, not to mention, the very little privacy because my apartment was in the basement of a single family home so I heard everything through the vents when the neighbors argued upstairs. I could even smell the disgusting scent of smoke and some interestingly strange odors coming from their kitchen. I was barely able to utilize the garage I paid extra for to park my car in because of his pickup truck and her massive SUV. In fact, I accidentally scratched my car backing out of the garage, trying to avoid their vehicles, but unfortunately cutting it way too close to the sides of the garage. Luckily I have a great body shop guy who fixed my car up just fine and at minimal cost.  

I think the new place is more cozy, might be a little smaller in some ways as it's square-shaped rather than rectangular and I don't have a long hall way from the kitchen to the living room - the kitchen is more like a galley and the dining room is part of the living room - yet to me, it stills seems larger than my other place -  I did give up the two-bedroom, but I honestly wasn't using it, but I had to be a bit creative in the new place to put all my things in all the right places - I love what I did, even my mom was impressed with my accomplishments. Of course she didn't like where I had the liquor cabinet and wasn't thrilled about the fact that I tend to leave things on the counter tops even when I'm not using them anymore, but she did give me big kudos for how I decorated the bathroom which is far bigger than the one I had in the city.

Today, being Independence Day, seems like the perfect time to start anew - the train ride to work is about 10 minutes longer than before so I've been able to catch up on some reading. I have quite a few books I bought but never got around to reading due to being in school, doing homework, etc. I've recently got back to my writing, as I seem to have more time on my hands than before. Sometimes I wonder if I moved out here 'cause I needed a change in my life or if I'm considering a more isolated existence to finish my memoir. The last 15 years or so have been tough. I lived in the city because I socially wanted to be near both the gay and leather communities in the hopes of finding the right person I can share my life with. But I learned early-on that sometimes being nice and supportive doesn't translate into attracting good nature or loyal, honest, people, just users or those who are transitioning from one person to another. Don't get me wrong, I've had some excellent relationships while I lived in the city, but in the end, it just didn't work out. Sometimes I think, we just grow and change, and partners don't always keep up, kind of like that train moving in the movie where one person is encouraging the other to 'come on, you can make it, just jump' but sometimes even I move to fast for one to take that leap and make the train.

Unfortunately, the problem with some relationships is that you are their right person at that moment in their lives, and other times, they already know you're not the one, but you're good enough until a better or easier situation comes along, then their ready to move on...I think that kind of thinking seems to be more common in those folks who can't be by themselves or have much difficulty with being alone, so they move quickly from one person to the next without taking time to heal from each encounter. Sometimes the fear of being alone makes those people do stupid and selfish things, and they don't consider the consequences or give a thought to how their choices are going to affect the other until it's too late. It's that mentality of 'do first, then talk later' when it should be the other way around.

But I digress...I'll get off my soapbox now.

At the moment, I'm enjoying a cup of coffee sitting on my patio, looking out at the brush and trees, and the weather is cool for a change. Merlin is basking in between the blinds and the patio door as the sun is just peaking through the clouds. Cats are amazing, like my Merlin who seems to just go with the flow...this is the third place I've moved too since I got him and each time, he adjusts so easily.

Today, I'll probably nap often as I'm just getting back to some type of normalcy...the move left me exhausted, with bruises everywhere, so I think all that adrenalin is now coming to an end, even last night when I was out at a friend's BBQ, I didn't want to stay that long. My energy has not quite come back to it's full zest, but it will, and you can bet your sweet ass, I'll be ready to start this brand new life in my new digs.

Peace.

Cougars and Cubs

Some of my dearest friends are dating ladies approximately 15 years younger than themselves and this seems to be a recent pattern I’ve noticed in the Chicago lesbian community. It’s not unusual when you hit a certain age that the pool for available ladies tends to be younger as most people are already spoken for, and the few that are still single are having a hard time finding the right person within their age group like myself. If you ask my friends, they are all well-aware of this reduction in potential partners, which is why they have suddenly taken an interest in what they consider cubs, and why they are encouraging me to do the same. I suppose I can look at this new development by trying to understand and identify what traits or characteristics that are considered cougar versus cub. However, this is not easily defined in my opinion as I think all women have a little bit of both in them.

I tend to love women who are settled in their home lives, interests or careers, know who they are and who I can learn from. But I can do without the inflexibility or rigidity that can sometimes come from women who are too set in their ways and not open to changing their perspectives, outlook, or how they are used to doing things. On a more personal note, I am very mature when it comes to the adult things that I should be responsible for and take care of in my everyday life, but my personality is more like that of a playful cub, wrestling with my peers at a picnic, shooting water pistols, collecting matchbox cars, or using crayons instead of markers for my coloring books. Does my interest in these things make me a cub, or is it that I find a more satisfying relationship with someone who is more mature than I, and who I feel can watch over, support, protect, and catch me if I should ever fall but not stop or discourage me from flying, because I still need to see life as one big roller coaster ride? Does this trait constitute that person as a cougar?

Could it be that the words ‘cougar’ and ‘cub’ have more to do with age difference rather than individual characteristics, traits, or personalities? Do we have to categorize everything? I’ve always believed that people are complimentary to one another, and that opposites do attract. I think we are always searching for something from someone that can’t be met by ourselves with the hope of creating some type of balance in our lives personally, sexually, socially, or spiritually. So I say to my friends who are the same age as me, kudos, for finding someone who makes you happy no matter how much younger they are than you, but I’ll keep searching for those cougars out there who wouldn’t mind a playful cub.

Daydreaming

Ah…daydreaming.  One of life’s greatest pleasures I think, as it’s a time to reflect and perhaps plan ahead or better yet, go on an adventure. I tend to daydream the most in the springtime especially in the month of April, as that’s when my birthday comes around so I’m always looking at my accomplishments, setting new goals, or trying to find ways to improve my life in general. But lately, I’ve ran into a couple of walls that have almost disappointed me especially in the world of relationships, although my social calendar has not suffered, thankful for all the wonderful friends that either hung out with me for my birthday on the 7th took me out or made dinner for me all throughout the month. And with the Int’l Mr. Leather event approaching in May, the potential for meeting someone new could prove exciting.

For some reason, timing has never been good for me as the last couple of women were either bisexual, uncertain, selfish, into themselves more than me, married, way too vanilla for my tastes, or live far away so trying to develop anything would prove quite difficult. Even my latest girl is working on getting pregnant and being a mom, so spending time with her will eventually be limiting, as I’ve already noticed some changes in her availability. Consistency is very important to me, and like anything else, if you don’t spend time together to grow intimately, you run the risk of moving into the friendship role which isn’t a bad thing, it’s just I don’t have a shortage of friendships. And although the last few situations have had their advantages, I’d like to believe that I will find the right woman I can build and share a future with and won't need to half-step or settle.

Professionally, things can’t be better as I have my BA in English from NEIU, a great paying job and a nice place to live, although that’s been in question with the selfish and inconsiderate neighbors that live upstairs. Honestly, if I could, I’d stay in my current employment and move my position to Albuquerque. I’m not crazy about starting a new career because of a major desire to relocate, but relocating for me is about living somewhere I feel I truly belong, enjoying the day-to-day experiences in an environment that seems conducive to my philosophy and values. I’m more laid back these days, and not wanting the stressful hustle and bustle, or the chaos that is Chicago. It seems as I’ve gotten older I’ve grown tired of the insanity and restlessness of those people who are always in a hurry, and knocking you over if you get in their way, etc. Yes, I know that can happen anywhere, but New Mexico, with all its wide-open spaces allowing you to breathe so you don’t feel smothered, and the simple pure beauty of the mountains, the colors, the weather, and the recent friendships I’ve started to build through my travels, could certainly improve my life. But the risk of starting over, the potential fear of failing if I give up my present job which has been the closest thing I’ve ever had to stability, not to mention my mom’s deteriorating health, has left me in a funk, without knowing what I should do versus what I want to do.

I’ve always been willing to take risks personally because I believe in living your life to the fullest, openly, proudly, honestly, and slightly off the traditional path, but my professional choices have been conservative, realistic and very practical. I am aware that no job is safe despite my current situation where I’ve already endured two major layoffs in the 5 years I’ve been at this place, and I’m still standing. But Illinois is an At-Will state, so if the company decides to move in another direction, and reverts back to outsourcing, I could easily find myself unemployed. What makes it hard is that when I’m in New Mexico, I personally feel at home, open to taking a risk and I don’t want or desire to leave, but when I return to Chicago, my professional, practical and realistic ideals take over, needing to feel safe, and secure, able to take care of myself. A very good friend told me long ago that if you can define your wants, needs and desires, than your decision making would be easier, clearer, however, I am still full of cloudiness despite understanding the differences between my needs, wants and desires.

So what’s a boy to do? Some might say, be patient, not exactly my strong point, but I digress… if one is hesitant about choices than the right course of action is to remain steadfast, not impulsive and try to look at the bigger picture, plan better, stay open to change rather than fearing it, and believe wholeheartedly that if it’s meant to be, it will happen, and probably not in the way you wrote it up.

Peace  

The Inbetween

My mom has always had a traditional idea of male and female roles. And when it comes to her view of relationships in general, her limited perspective of what's male and what's female are arguably black and white, with very little gray or flexibility, and her understanding of gay situations is even more beyond her abilities. I spent much of yesterday with my mom shopping for a chandelier for her dining room table and two sconces to match for her hallway, and since she has been on her oxygen and not smoking as much, she seemed to have quite a bit of energy to bring up a very difficult and painful subject: "I'm worried that you are going to be alone forever." I'm sitting at her kitchen table, going, "Oh Lord, please help me." Parents seem to always have a way to give you a compliment and at the same time, cut you down. This is my mom's most strongest ability.

Given recent events I have questioned my sanity, I suppose, wondering that because I am in between that I would be less appealing to someone, worried that I don't have anything to offer. I'm not handy, don't make $75,000 a year, to be able to take care of someone if they need it, but there are many other ways to take care of someone, nor do I have that big house in the burbs, although that would be nice one day. I wouldn't know what to do in Home Depot if someone asked me to find something particular, do not like housework, don't know the first thing about cars, can't cook, although I've been known to make a mean pork chop and definitely not obsessed with how many shoes and purses I need, not that it's a bad thing, just not my thing. In my mom's world, she sees me as not girl enough and certainly not man enough. It got more screwy when she kept apologizing that it was her fault that I turned out In Between. I tried to explain to mom, at 12, 13, 14, yes it probably was not in my best interest to force femininity on me, but mom, I tell her, I'm 46 going on 47 this coming April 7 and there is no way that something so minor would have that huge of an impact on who I am today, and I rather like who I am, although sometimes it has proven difficult. I was always a tomboy, competitive, loved sports and never cared for makeup, fancy hairdos or clothes. I've always been practical and obsessed with comfort. Mom calls it laziness, which I disagree with, but she has a right to her own opinions.

Too often people live in black and white and it's no surprise that someone like me who is clearly not girly girl and definitely not trying to pass for a guy may find some difficulty in meeting someone who is complimentary not combative or trying to change me. It seems the past few relationships have not worked out because I was not Daddy or Mistress, boy or girl enough, certainly not high femme and clearly not stone butch. My leather interests vary depending on who is in control as I enjoy both topping and bottoming when I play and wouldn't want to be forced into choosing, although I do prefer bottoming to topping. Yes, I like my curves, don't wish to be male-identified, I love to dance, can play most sports, I love the outdoors, but I also love taking a bubble bath. I hate to miss a game during football season, I enjoy playing poker, and can be very passionate and romantic. I do have a strong sexual drive and am very creative in thought and in action. So what if I would rather call Triple AAA when I get a flat tire, or would be the one who brings the wine to the dinner table, or who holds your purse while you're getting your nails done? Does this make me less appealing?

When I first came into the leather lifestyle, I knew it was going to be a challenge. It was obvious right from the start when I looked around and saw clearly defined physical features or characteristics, behaviors and the like, of what constitutes butch, femme, top, bottom, domme, submissive, girl, boy, master, slave. But I think the beauty of the extremes is in the expression and the exchange of power. The alternative lifestyle, so rightly named, has within itself the means in which you can interact and allows you the freedom to choose without limitations. The community is ever changing and these days there is so much more gray than black or white. I went out last night in a funky mood, I knew my ex would be there and my mom's put downs certainly had me feeling less appealing. But once I got there, I saw lots of folks who were in between and I was proud of myself for not allowing the past to prevent me from enjoying the present. It's my community too and I was thrilled to catch up with some friends I have not seen in awhile.

It turned out to be a great night for the boy in me who was very conscious of what a certain Sir and Ma'am needed without them having to ask. I didn't get to play last night but I really wasn't looking for that, but it was pretty special finding the service side to me. Sometimes it's the little things that you do that make someone's life or scene easier that can give you the most pleasure.

Peace

Roles and Role Playing

I think Shakespeare was correct when he penned, “All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players…” The popular verse was written about 1590s-1600s and still seems as accurate today as it was back then. I can certainly relate to this perspective as a leather gay woman who happens to be a switch, and being a part of a culture that likes to put people in a box or force individuals into neat little roles. Identifying as a switch can be a double edge sword, full of variety but with certain limitations, some might even say the only people who understand switches are other switches. But I have found that the BDSM culture is very supportive of a little thing called Poly-amorous, a term that coincides with loving, wanting, desiring and needing different things from different people in order to feel complete, in balance, or totally satisfied.

Sometimes my being a switch is more like having a split personality depending on my mood or who I’m with and in what capacity. Although I can adapt easily in any situation, most often that quick reaction proves hazardous to someone that is clearly defined as Top/bottom, and/or Dominant/submissive, all the time etc. But perhaps that has just been my experiences so far and maybe it’s different depending on the individuals involved and if your time together is private or public. I am big on protocols but when it is necessary and in the appropriate context. I don't see myself as a 24/7 Top or bottom, boy or Sir (Daddy), which can prove disappointing to someone who needs that all the time, its flexibility, not rigidity or limitation that drives me. I can't ignore one without the other so I find it limiting to have to pick a side. It's only recently that I've discovered my boy who is proving to be more and more like my core self with only a few differences. It's also been interesting to me that even though I am a switch, the traits, behaviors, and characteristics that might be specific to each part in the end are all a part of me.

Sometimes I feel that you can't have a leather and a girlfriend dynamic/relationship in the same person because to me, they seem incompatible as in my experiences when it comes to power exchange, you kinda feel like you have to choose which part to play in order to be complimentary to the counter part of the scene so to speak. To me, this is wonderful because it allows you to enjoy each unique experience in a specific time frame, not forced into the role all the time. When I think of having a girlfriend though, she would accept all the parts of me, without any limitations. A recent friend told me that my core self was truly boy and even though I have a top side, it's only when I play the part in a leather scene where the roles are clearly defined and acted out that I am not boy. I argued that taking charge is something I have to do everyday. I pay the bills, I have to be on top of stuff at work, I take care of myself, am fiercely independent and prefer to live alone. I'm aggressive and I go for what I want and don't ask permission, especially when it comes to expressing myself to someone in a romantic way.

But is there truly a difference between being a top or being a bottom vs having a girlfriend? Both situations will provide the balance within yourself, can it be manipulated depending on the situation? Yes. For example, if you are my girlfriend, you would want me to show you affection, but if you are a Top, or Dominant person, the gesture may need to be expressed in another way through asking permission or waiting for you to lead or tell me what you want or need. Much in the same way, if you are my submissive, if I'm playing the part of your Sir (Daddy), top, etc., if I need something specific from you, you need me to express that, in other words, you would more than likely not make the first move. I totally love playing this type of game but wouldn't want it to be a part of my everyday life nor if you are my girlfriend. Not sure I'm making sense, but I'm still figuring things out, I guess.

My friend was right, I can be submissive, definitely service oriented, and my main goal is to please, not to disappoint. My boy side waits for direction, he’s actually a little shy, vulnerable, nervous, uncertain, and rarely takes the lead unless told to do so. Of course, these things do work particularly well if I am in the presence of a dominant person, but may not translate to someone who needs a more aggressive or confident person to take the lead. I adore my boy, as he certainly loves being nurtured, the center of attention, always learning and full of wonder, with boundless energy, playfulness, even a little innocence maybe, and super attentive. But am I like him always, quite a lot but not totally. Staying in that headspace primarily in my experiences has felt like walking on eggshells, afraid to take a risk, and speak my mind if I feel strongly against something for fear of being dismissed, abandoned, or worse, released from a collar. I know that I am not always happy having to ask for permission when I want something, so sometimes my boy and Sir (Daddy) side are in conflict and I forget. No one enjoys punishment or being reprimanded for that boldness, even if it wasn’t your intention. I think being poly does help with all these things most of the time. But will I ever be able to have it both ways and preferably in one or two people, not multitudes?

Time will only tell.

Peace