The 5 E's of Scening

I recently had brunch with a play partner of mine back during my days in the BDSM scene. We had a lively discussion about verbal and written agreements and how they relate to play, whether you are in a public space or a private home. We joked a bit, recalling the 50 Shades of Grey Movies and how unrealistic it semed to us. I have been fortunate that in my longevity in the leather community, I have negotiated verbal and written contracts. But unlike 50 Shades of Grey, my first contract with my Sir was only 4 pages long. When I began to explore play more frequently, I learned a lot about myself from both the top and bottom perspectives when it comes to scening. So, when my dear friend asked me my opinion on play, I shared with her “The 5 E’s of Scening” which are sort of like personal guidelines to ensure one stays on track no matter what role they play for the duration of the scene.

When two people negotiate a power exchange that is related to Sadism and Masochism, it’s called play or scening. Play can involve pain and/or pleasure, usually with instruments or toys, like floggers, paddles, cuffs, single tails, etc. There can be multiple people involved in a scene, but the most common is where one person gives and the other receives. The sadist, the person administering the pain and pleasure is called the top and the masochist who receives, is the bottom. Play is often short-term events and in this culture, all scenes must be healthy, safe, sane, consensual and willful. Doing a Scene can also be challenging physically, sexually, or sensually, be intense, exploratory and depends on each other’s expectations.

Exploration and Expectation are the first 2 of my 5 E’s. Always be diligent when you are negotiating a scene whether verbally or on paper. Be sure that you are clear cut about what you hope to achieve by the experience, what you want to try or have already done or simply want to explore. Remember, communication is key. For those first timers, my suggestion would be to think about things you definitely wouldn’t like. For example, mine were slapping in the face, humiliation and spanking, stuff I knew I would not enjoy, thus another key word of the 5 E’s, Enjoying the experience.

The last 2 of the 5 E’s, Engage and Etiquette are more relevant to approaching someone to play with or watching others play.  It is very important that Scene Etiquette be maintained whether you are in a public space or someone’s home.  I’ve had situations where I was bottoming for someone and another person kept interrupting the top, asking questions because she liked his floggers. I found this very distracting and in poor etiquette. It’s a good idea to set up parameters or mark off a specific spot that you are playing in.  I’ve seen people put tape on the floor around the area they were using as a way to discourage interlopers and I’ve seen closed off private rooms with just a window looking in on the action, voyeurism is certainly in the realm of play.

Approaching someone can be intimidating.  But what I have learned is if you are sitting on the sidelines waiting for someone to come to you, it won’t happen.  A top can’t guess if someone is interested in playing with them and a bottom can’t assume that all people are tops. I have found that if you observe when you are in the play spaces, you can distinguish who are tops and who are bottoms for that evening.  Watching allows you to see if that particular person’s style is interesting to you. Whatever you do, don’t interrupt their scene, wait until it’s clear that the scene is over and then approach.  Start up a conversation letting them know your interest in them and what you’d like to accomplish. Yes, you might get turned down, but 9 times out of 10 you won’t.

For tops, please be clear when a scene is over.  I’ve had someone leave me standing buck naked to get some water and never came back because she assumed the scene was over, but I didn’t. The art of negotiation is knowing when a scene starts and when the scene should end. For bottoms if you are unfamiliar with floggers, paddles, etc., ask the top to lay out some toys for you to pick from.  There is usually a table in the dungeon space that can be used for a top to display their toys. The table can also set up a perimeter to keep onlookers at bay. Handling the top’s toys with their permission is also a good way to get to know each other and set up the scene, especially if you are a newbie.  

While keeping these 5 concepts in mind, I predict you will have successful outcomes. And always remember, play should be mutually beneficial to both parties. After all, if we didn’t enjoy it, we wouldn’t do it.

Update on Monday, June 19, 2023 at 10:43AM by Lisa Lacriola aka T.Langdon Squire

Please note, this article written by me was previously published for Illinois Eagle.

  https://illinoiseagle.com/2017/01/02/squires-corner-5-es-scening/

When things are Undefinable

Sometimes there are occasions where you meet someone who is so overwhelmingly rare that stimulates your mind and touches you in ways that are undefinable. I am almost 100% sure many of you out there have experienced these ‘wow’ moments, yet felt confused about how to define your feelings for that certain someone who doesn’t seem to fit so neatly in your world view. I recently saw a special friend who hasn’t been around much and although I thought I had gotten a handle on my feelings for her and where she fits in my life, I was reminded how complicated relationships can be, whether lover or friend.

In any relationship, there is give and take. People are complimentary and usually provide something to the other that meets a need, want or desire in them. Traits, characteristics, intelligence, and experiences are mutually shared and even in vanilla relationships, there is power exchange. It's just that the leather world provides a variety of ways of expressing those types of power and gives voice to it, and terminology. So, in order to deal with my feelings, I tried to adapt leather perspectives and power exchange dynamics in order to help define this meaningful connection for me. Seems easy enough, right? Not necessarily, especially when you are attracted to them but they aren’t attracted to you in the same way. But it gets even more complicated when both women are gay, the lines almost certainly, can get blurred.  

I’m almost afraid to admit this, but although I am a part of both worlds, the relationships and dynamics in the leather frame of reference allows for a more structured, symbiotic power exchange no matter what role you may be playing and at any given time. In a sense, these power dynamics tend to keep a relationship to its most basic of expression which seems less complicated, in my opinion. So, in an attempt to transfer the ideals of a Daddy/boy dynamic to us, I felt less confused, well at least for a little while. But trying to fit circles into squares rather than accepting what I did have, and not what I hoped to have, I eventually came to recognize that what she needed from me was someone she could lean on and learn from. And what I needed was to be a mentor for her. In the end, we created our own special connection, without the limitations that labels tend to place on us. 

Why are we so inclined to define everything? Does it have to do with controlling a situation rather than staying in the moment, or is it the innate need to connect on some level as if a deep, primal urge to find our missing halves becomes the basis for our happiness? I think it has more to do with finding your place in relationship to everything around you. Perhaps we need to define ourselves rather than our perceptions of what others define for us. Points to Ponder. 

Update on Monday, June 19, 2023 at 10:40AM by Lisa Lacriola aka T.Langdon Squire

Please note, portions of this article by me were published prior at

  https://illinoiseagle.com/2017/01/30/squires-corner-undefinable/

What Exactly is Poly-Amorous?

I can tell you what it is not. It’s not cheating, swinging, a one-night stand, or serial monogamy. Poly situations involve two or more people in a caring, nurturing, intimate, enjoyable, and satisfying existence. Poly is a non-possessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people at the same time. It’s a conscious choice in choosing how many partners to be involved with rather than loving only one person at any given moment. Not to be confused with open relationships which allow for outside experiences, however, these tend to be short-term liaisons, whereas poly-amorous is ongoing and lifelong for the people involved.

The difficulty with poly-relationships is sometimes you may feel unstable, insecure or not grounded. Most folks involved in these arrangements live active, busy lives and this can prove a detriment if you find yourself needing at least one of your partners but neither were available at that particular moment. I experienced this first hand during the holidays a while back. I was involved with a couple whose family was not aware of their poly-arrangement with me so I spent most holidays without them. We did make time to celebrate, and although this was challenging, when things really mattered, they never let me down. I did feel a sense of security and was loved unconditionally even if at times it didn’t seem that way, keeping in mind that poly is a choice, after all.

During my time in the poly-amorous relationship I didn't feel any pressures that a monagamous arrangement can bring about like unrealistic expectations and responsibilities that sometimes lead to infidelity, jealousy and mistrust. It's kind of sad I suppose because you spent all this time getting to know the person, feeling comfortable with them, but for some reason, they can’t give you everything you want so you have to move on because it seems easier or as some might say, ‘the right thing to do.’ That’s not to say that these same issues can’t creep into poly too, just less likely. The beauty of poly is that with good communication comes respect, trust and honesty. These ongoing and often committed relationships to the parties involved can be advantageous and enrich one’s life.  So, don’t be afraid to talk about poly, you might be surprised by people’s openness to the idea.

And always, I welcome any questions or comments. You can post here or if you'd like to keep it private, email me at squirelisa4u@comcast.net.

Update on Wednesday, March 11, 2020 at 07:59PM by Lisa Lacriola aka T.Langdon Squire

Portions of this article were previously published Dec 12, 2016 at https://illinoiseagle.com/2016/12/12/squires-corner-tis-season-poly/

D-T-R: Defining the Relationship

I wanted to start this interactive column with a reprint of an article I did some time ago as it is relevant today after a recent conversation I had with a friend who went through a difficult time re-acclimating herself back into the dating world after a messy divorce. I don’t carry any special psychology, social or philosophy degrees but I do have a BA in English so that just makes me a half-way decent writer. I told her that every relationship I've had, those that worked and the ones that didn't provided me the potential to learn from those experiences.

Relationships are not only about sharing your life, but a way of teaching you things about yourself. And if you don’t learn from your past mistakes, you will repeat them once again. It can be heart-wrenching when things go wrong and even though both parties had great intentions going into something, the universe may have other plans and the hope is that the breakup is amicable. Sometimes we compromise too much of what we value or need in a relationship because we are afraid to be alone and too often, we try to be what our partners want us to be and lose ourselves in the process.
 
One of the ideals that I believe in whole-heartedly is to know thyself.  It’s crucial in any type of relationship to be honest with your partner as well as yourself. And when you start to feel like things are a miss, trust your instincts, don’t be afraid to ask the tough questions. What’s equally as important is to be wary when patterns change. This usually means something is going on with your partner so be a careful observer. You may want to keep a log so when you have that deep conversation, you have a frame of reference as to what they may be doing that’s affecting you and the relationship in general. Don’t be surprised if your partner may be feeling the same unrest as you. 
 
Another thing that I feel is paramount to defining the relationship is to re-examine it as time progresses. Know the difference between your needs, wants and desires, as these can change overtime. And for those polyamorous folks working with multiple partners, primary roles can change quickly as new partners are added in the mix affecting your perception of the situation. A healthy conversation goes along way when there is a breakdown in trust as well as communication. Also, keep in mind it’s not just about defining the relationship when it has already begun but also during the process when you are getting to know each other and what things you may be looking for at that time as this definitely changes as you mature.

Whether going through growing pains while defining the relationship, be gentle with yourself as well as your partner. Continue to take stock of the knowledge of what you’ve gained so far and file the things you might have lost in your recessive mind. And if your navigating the single life, remember, there are no winners or losers in a breakup only the realization of what has passed and the importance of moving on slowly and confidently. Re-assess all the factors you've learned from the experience, good or bad as that will prepare you for the next person who comes along and gives you that wonderful smile that says; “Yes, I’d love to get to know you better.”

And always, play safe. 

Hit me up if you have any questions or opinions. You can comment on my page or email me at squirelisa4u@comcast.net.

Update on Saturday, February 22, 2020 at 12:29PM by Lisa Lacriola aka T.Langdon Squire

Portions of this article previously published for Jan 16, 2017 column at https://illinoiseagle.com/2017/01/16/squires-corner-d-t-r-defining-relationship/