Daydreaming

Ah…daydreaming.  One of life’s greatest pleasures I think, as it’s a time to reflect and perhaps plan ahead or better yet, go on an adventure. I tend to daydream the most in the springtime especially in the month of April, as that’s when my birthday comes around so I’m always looking at my accomplishments, setting new goals, or trying to find ways to improve my life in general. But lately, I’ve ran into a couple of walls that have almost disappointed me especially in the world of relationships, although my social calendar has not suffered, thankful for all the wonderful friends that either hung out with me for my birthday on the 7th took me out or made dinner for me all throughout the month. And with the Int’l Mr. Leather event approaching in May, the potential for meeting someone new could prove exciting.

For some reason, timing has never been good for me as the last couple of women were either bisexual, uncertain, selfish, into themselves more than me, married, way too vanilla for my tastes, or live far away so trying to develop anything would prove quite difficult. Even my latest girl is working on getting pregnant and being a mom, so spending time with her will eventually be limiting, as I’ve already noticed some changes in her availability. Consistency is very important to me, and like anything else, if you don’t spend time together to grow intimately, you run the risk of moving into the friendship role which isn’t a bad thing, it’s just I don’t have a shortage of friendships. And although the last few situations have had their advantages, I’d like to believe that I will find the right woman I can build and share a future with and won't need to half-step or settle.

Professionally, things can’t be better as I have my BA in English from NEIU, a great paying job and a nice place to live, although that’s been in question with the selfish and inconsiderate neighbors that live upstairs. Honestly, if I could, I’d stay in my current employment and move my position to Albuquerque. I’m not crazy about starting a new career because of a major desire to relocate, but relocating for me is about living somewhere I feel I truly belong, enjoying the day-to-day experiences in an environment that seems conducive to my philosophy and values. I’m more laid back these days, and not wanting the stressful hustle and bustle, or the chaos that is Chicago. It seems as I’ve gotten older I’ve grown tired of the insanity and restlessness of those people who are always in a hurry, and knocking you over if you get in their way, etc. Yes, I know that can happen anywhere, but New Mexico, with all its wide-open spaces allowing you to breathe so you don’t feel smothered, and the simple pure beauty of the mountains, the colors, the weather, and the recent friendships I’ve started to build through my travels, could certainly improve my life. But the risk of starting over, the potential fear of failing if I give up my present job which has been the closest thing I’ve ever had to stability, not to mention my mom’s deteriorating health, has left me in a funk, without knowing what I should do versus what I want to do.

I’ve always been willing to take risks personally because I believe in living your life to the fullest, openly, proudly, honestly, and slightly off the traditional path, but my professional choices have been conservative, realistic and very practical. I am aware that no job is safe despite my current situation where I’ve already endured two major layoffs in the 5 years I’ve been at this place, and I’m still standing. But Illinois is an At-Will state, so if the company decides to move in another direction, and reverts back to outsourcing, I could easily find myself unemployed. What makes it hard is that when I’m in New Mexico, I personally feel at home, open to taking a risk and I don’t want or desire to leave, but when I return to Chicago, my professional, practical and realistic ideals take over, needing to feel safe, and secure, able to take care of myself. A very good friend told me long ago that if you can define your wants, needs and desires, than your decision making would be easier, clearer, however, I am still full of cloudiness despite understanding the differences between my needs, wants and desires.

So what’s a boy to do? Some might say, be patient, not exactly my strong point, but I digress… if one is hesitant about choices than the right course of action is to remain steadfast, not impulsive and try to look at the bigger picture, plan better, stay open to change rather than fearing it, and believe wholeheartedly that if it’s meant to be, it will happen, and probably not in the way you wrote it up.

Peace