The Inbetween

My mom has always had a traditional idea of male and female roles. And when it comes to her view of relationships in general, her limited perspective of what's male and what's female are arguably black and white, with very little gray or flexibility, and her understanding of gay situations is even more beyond her abilities. I spent much of yesterday with my mom shopping for a chandelier for her dining room table and two sconces to match for her hallway, and since she has been on her oxygen and not smoking as much, she seemed to have quite a bit of energy to bring up a very difficult and painful subject: "I'm worried that you are going to be alone forever." I'm sitting at her kitchen table, going, "Oh Lord, please help me." Parents seem to always have a way to give you a compliment and at the same time, cut you down. This is my mom's most strongest ability.

Given recent events I have questioned my sanity, I suppose, wondering that because I am in between that I would be less appealing to someone, worried that I don't have anything to offer. I'm not handy, don't make $75,000 a year, to be able to take care of someone if they need it, but there are many other ways to take care of someone, nor do I have that big house in the burbs, although that would be nice one day. I wouldn't know what to do in Home Depot if someone asked me to find something particular, do not like housework, don't know the first thing about cars, can't cook, although I've been known to make a mean pork chop and definitely not obsessed with how many shoes and purses I need, not that it's a bad thing, just not my thing. In my mom's world, she sees me as not girl enough and certainly not man enough. It got more screwy when she kept apologizing that it was her fault that I turned out In Between. I tried to explain to mom, at 12, 13, 14, yes it probably was not in my best interest to force femininity on me, but mom, I tell her, I'm 46 going on 47 this coming April 7 and there is no way that something so minor would have that huge of an impact on who I am today, and I rather like who I am, although sometimes it has proven difficult. I was always a tomboy, competitive, loved sports and never cared for makeup, fancy hairdos or clothes. I've always been practical and obsessed with comfort. Mom calls it laziness, which I disagree with, but she has a right to her own opinions.

Too often people live in black and white and it's no surprise that someone like me who is clearly not girly girl and definitely not trying to pass for a guy may find some difficulty in meeting someone who is complimentary not combative or trying to change me. It seems the past few relationships have not worked out because I was not Daddy or Mistress, boy or girl enough, certainly not high femme and clearly not stone butch. My leather interests vary depending on who is in control as I enjoy both topping and bottoming when I play and wouldn't want to be forced into choosing, although I do prefer bottoming to topping. Yes, I like my curves, don't wish to be male-identified, I love to dance, can play most sports, I love the outdoors, but I also love taking a bubble bath. I hate to miss a game during football season, I enjoy playing poker, and can be very passionate and romantic. I do have a strong sexual drive and am very creative in thought and in action. So what if I would rather call Triple AAA when I get a flat tire, or would be the one who brings the wine to the dinner table, or who holds your purse while you're getting your nails done? Does this make me less appealing?

When I first came into the leather lifestyle, I knew it was going to be a challenge. It was obvious right from the start when I looked around and saw clearly defined physical features or characteristics, behaviors and the like, of what constitutes butch, femme, top, bottom, domme, submissive, girl, boy, master, slave. But I think the beauty of the extremes is in the expression and the exchange of power. The alternative lifestyle, so rightly named, has within itself the means in which you can interact and allows you the freedom to choose without limitations. The community is ever changing and these days there is so much more gray than black or white. I went out last night in a funky mood, I knew my ex would be there and my mom's put downs certainly had me feeling less appealing. But once I got there, I saw lots of folks who were in between and I was proud of myself for not allowing the past to prevent me from enjoying the present. It's my community too and I was thrilled to catch up with some friends I have not seen in awhile.

It turned out to be a great night for the boy in me who was very conscious of what a certain Sir and Ma'am needed without them having to ask. I didn't get to play last night but I really wasn't looking for that, but it was pretty special finding the service side to me. Sometimes it's the little things that you do that make someone's life or scene easier that can give you the most pleasure.

Peace