Ah Albuquerque...2nd Time Around - Part 2

What a weekend.  As my trip is now winding down, I can't help but feel sad that I have to leave. Yesterday was another fabulous day hanging out with Julie. She wanted to take me around some of the apartments and townhomes in her area and we popped by this awesome complex called Tierra Antigua - I liked it so much I actually picked up some literature on their one and two bedrooms.  Needless to say I seem to have expensive taste when it comes to where I live.  The rent on these apartments included a washer and dryer, actually in your unit, a one car garage, deck or patio, depending if you are on the first floor or above your garage and they do accept pets. They have a swimming pool and fitness center, and of course, beautifully landscaped, with a little stream running over rocks and pebbles, surrounded by green and a gorgeous view of the mountains. It was awesome. I also found out from their rental person, who was cute as pie that many of the larger companies rent here so they offer 3 to 5% discounts.  You can also lock in a two year lease and if the market does not fluctuate, you can stay at that same rate for another year or two, depending on what lease you choose.  Later on, we met up with Vince and had dinner at a place called the Range. It was great fun, but I was really tired, so we made it an early evening.  I think I probably lasted about a half hour, once I got back to the hotel, and fell asleep fairly quickly.

It was a good thing I went to bed early Saturday evening, as I was awoken by a text from Dakota, Sunday about meeting for breakfast - this of course was 730am, which means 830am Chicago Time. Could have killed him but he is so damn handsome, when he smiles at you, his eyes just light up, and his hugs are warm and you can't help but feel safe. He is a sweetie.  His wife Wendy is gorgeous, and sexy, they are a very cute couple. Dakota is trans which I knew the first time around when I met him, we had a lot in common as I had explained to him about my relationship to Angelo who was also F-to-M. We hit it off great right away.  I was glad Wendy was able to join us for breakfast because the last time I was here, I didn't get the opportunity to talk with her all that much.  She is truly adorable.  I look forward to continuing to get to know them better as well.

Most of Sunday I just stayed in my room and winded down, relaxed, took a nap, played on FB of course and then got a text from LK that said, she and the pack were picking me up for dinner around 6pm.  This was good as it gave me a little time to spend with Vincie, just one on one before I leave tomorrow. I got to thank Vincie as I was full of energy, talking fast, looking forward to seeing LK again, nervousness, you name it, I had it.  He was laughing at me, but thought it was cute. I was a mess.  Friday I spent a lot of time with LK so I couldn't understand where this nervousness, or maybe it was pure excitement that had gotten a hold of me.  I know that if LK and I are to work out, being able to get along with her pack is also important. Drummer and Charm are a part of her leather family, so maybe the nervousness had stemmed from that.  By the time they came to pick me up, I was exhausted, which was probably a good thing.  I do tend to come on very strong, especially when I'm nervous or when I'm first meeting people. This was only the 2nd time I had met Drummer and the first time I was meeting Charm.  Needless to say, dinner went great...They both are awesome, and everyone contributed to the various conversations going on. I absolutely loved being a part of them and spending that quality time. I can't wait to come back to NM again in October and see them again. 

Well it's almost the bewitching hour where the clock hits midnight and Cinderella has to get back home to her ordinary life.  Not that it's a bad one, but they call NM the Land of Enchantment for a reason. Being back here only confirmed that my destiny and future is here. How and when that will happen will depend on the right job to come along. It will still be hard to leave my family and friends in Chicago, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Peace.

Ah Albuquerque...2nd Time Around

Yes I'm back in New Mexico.  Just got into town March 10th and I'll be here through the weekend, taking a flight back to Chicago on Monday March 14th back to the same ole' grind, but for now it's home.

So far the last two days have been unbelievable. This time around I really wanted to look at Albuquerque from a living perspective checking out apartment complexes and areas in Albuquerque that I may consider moving to in the future.  It's so odd, I just recently wondered if I really still wanted to be here as the last time I visited in November I came from a rough break up and wanted to run away to New Mexico never really thinking about it as something I would seriously consider. Thankful, time goes by which is awesome as you put closure on past relationships, let go of the anger and then look at life from a whole new perspective once again.

When I landed at the airport to 57 degrees and sunny with the mountains as a backdrop, it easily reminded me of how wonderful it would be to live here.  Job market is tough though, and I'm still having a hard time with leaving Chicago which has been my home my whole life.  My mom being sick with Emphysema and Lung Disease and being diagnosed with Fibramyalgia....I would be hard pressed to leave her, putting the pressure on my brother. But once I landed, those worries seemed to melt away. Of course it's even more difficult when you've met someone who you think is your future, somehow, someway, but realistically you know, long distance relationships are very hard to work with. Although I wouldn't expect her (LK) to hold her life up as she wouldn't want me to do that either, the potential is truly amazing. You can't argue with good chemistry.  She is a remarkable woman and we'll just have to see where this all leads.  I got to spend a good part of yesterday with her which I was thrilled as I really wondered if there was indeed a romantic interest. I came right out and asked her and even though I had a feeling, it was mutual, I was still happily surprised by her response. But I digress...

I got to see Vince again on Thursday when I arrived and finally met his wife Carol - she was awesome and I really got a long with her great.  Something about older women who are very maternal, seem to take a shine to me.  I felt like her surrogate daughter, but it was wonderful to be with her, feeling safe as getting to know more people will help with any transitions in the future with relocating to NM. Arriving here Thursday late afternoon, didn't leave much but settling in, so I was grateful Vince and Carol treated me to dinner and took me shopping at Walmart, so that I can put some snacks, fruit, water, especially, and some frozen dinners in the fridge in my hotel room. I was thrilled that I was able to get a fridge and microwave, as I can save in expenses. 

Friday early morning, Carol and I, after having breakfast at IHOP went for a drive to the Northwest part of Albuquerque - I had wanted to check out the Del Rio Apartments to get a sense of what they looked like, the neighborhood, etc.  There were so many even more gorgeous apartments and housing, etc. It was beautiful. I enjoyed spending the day with her, I'm sure Vince was a bit surprised by how well she took to me.  But afterall, I am a likable person. After she dropped me back at the hotel, I had about a half hour to relax, sit outside my hotel room, read the paper and found myself go weak in the knees the moment LK pulled up.  She just came from work and I felt that same magic I did back in November soon as she hugged me hello.  We had a great day, went to a botanical garden, talked, then went to Flying Star restaurant for dinner.  The time flew by  - I don't think neither her nor I expected that we'd spend so much time together.  But when you have limited time together, I think you want to make the most of it.  Not sure when I'll be back, probably October for their Balloon Fest, but until then, I find myself wanting to spend as much time with her as possible.  I'm so thrilled she will be available Sunday afternoon, as I'll get to hang out with her once again, and the the rest of her extended leather family.

Today - I'm spending the afternoon with Julie, another great lady I met the last time I was here - she's gonna show me around the east side and I'm hoping we can get over to Borders Bookstore as it's going out of business, and I could probably pick up a new journal as well as books, or music.  It will all depend on what they have.  Later tonight, I'll be hanging out with Vince, although plans are still up in the air. Maybe go to that Karoake bar we went to before or head out to the Hard Rock Casino where another friend Dakota is helping out at an event called Rock the Ink. Sounds like a good time.  If Vince and I don't end up out there, I'll at least get to see Dakota Sunday morning for an early breakfast. He had hoped we'd get a chance to hang out a little while I'm in town.

Stay Tuned...as the weekend is not over yet.

Peace  

Milestones

I was up at 4am today, which meant I had lots of things on my mind or found myself contemplating some big decisions. Sometimes it’s about sleeplessness, but today, it was multiple random thoughts.

This past weekend I went to a friend’s 50^th Birthday Party at an Italian Restaurant on the North Side, Angelina’s. It was terrific to see K, as it had been about 2 ½ years since I saw her last at my commitment ceremony. Imagine her surprise when I told her that I was no longer with that person and that I was single once again. She chuckled and said, "you’ll never settle down, in fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if you unknowingly are much happier being single, with a few friends with benefits in the mix.” Honestly, I think she is probably right.  I’ve known K for at least 20 years, and her and Q have been together for almost 25 years. I also saw a couple of folks I have not seen since my softball days. Not surprising, many of them have been together for years too, so I know the potential for a lifetime partner does exist. Most of the others at the party never met my ex-wife or heard about the ceremony, but they did recall when I was with Angel back in 1996…It’s hard to believe how quickly the years have rolled by. Seeing everyone had a profound affect on me and probably the reason for the recent random thoughts and restless nights that I’ve been experiencing, all contributing to my need to re-evaluate how I’m feeling, where I’m headed and to what extent.

I’ve always strived to be successful, have a good job, a nice home, a great car, a BA degree and of course a significant other in my life. Looking back at 2010, there was much uncertainty in everything I wanted or even desired. It just seemed like nothing was right in my world. After my breakup and the constant fears on the work front with layoffs happening and finding out from a good source that someone was contacting HR complaining about me which turned out to be some religious fanatic who didn’t like that I was gay, and of course the probationary period I found myself on not fully understanding the attendance policy – I honestly thought I would be fired. I felt disillusioned, hopeless and scared. If it wasn’t for meeting a new friend through FetLife.com who used to live in Chicago but moved to New Mexico, I think I probably would have just given up. Luckily I didn’t lose my job, but the fear of being alone and abandoned once again and the ongoing difficulty in the fetish, leather-BDSM community locally in finding the right partner or situation, I started wondering if my happiness was not in Chicago but New Mexico. Through the guy I met on line, I got to know other people and began planning a trip to Albuquerque to see if living in NM would prove a new direction in my life, and a beneficial one if the job potential would be equally advantageous. 

I finally got to NM this past November and I really felt I belonged there. I still feel that way but now as 2011 has begun, I’ve healed emotionally from the recent breakups, got a promotion, a recent merit increase after only 6 months on the job, and I completed my BA in English. In my current position I am doing lots of corporate writing so even though I’m not working in a publishing company, I’m utilizing the skills from my education and without losing any money or having to start over in another company. I’m financially able to take care of myself and of course seeing all of my old friends this past weekend made me feel like I mattered again, valued, even after all the years that have passed, they still call me friend, but they seem more like family which got me thinking that I’ll never truly be alone despite not having that significant other in my life, yet. I am looking forward to traveling to NM again this March to see the special people that have come into my life now, but with my mom’s emphysema getting worse and the recent lung disease diagnosis, I’m not sure that moving now would be right for me. Just having a job and being able to pay your bills is a luxury these days, and I’m just not ready to give that up and start all over again. I have a great apartment, wonderful friends, a successful career, and both a biological family as well as a social one. The risk is far too great and honestly, if I make a move I want to feel like I’m running too something, not away from it.

Milestones are like measurements, moments, or goals that you’ve reached or surpassed in your lifetime. Sometimes they are clearly defined like getting your High School or College diploma, your 21^st or 50^th birthday, even your first apartment. Other milestones can be of a personal or professional nature like coming out to your parents, getting a promotion at work, or buying a new car. So do we ever stop setting up or meeting milestones? Some might say that as long as we have life lessons or experiences that shape our thoughts, ideas, or philosophies, there will always be milestones. For me, the many challenges, trials and tribulations I’ve been faced with have all become major milestones. And up until recently I had seriously given thought to relocating to New Mexico. But after this past weekend, and the positive changes that are happening to me right now, moving to New Mexico is not a need but more like a desire and well into the future.

Stay tuned…

Peace

A Lone Wolf's Perspective

I have been fascinated by wolves for years because I can relate and understand their social behaviors and their need to work together to be successful, like when they hunt, travel, protect their territories, as well as members, mate or socialize. Each wolf has a predetermined role that contributes to the overall health of the pack as a whole, with one main goal, to survive. Following a rather strict hierarchy carried down from the pack’s Alpha pairings, the strength of the pack is only as good as its individual members, but what about that lone wolf who does not have his or her own pack?

In the same way that wolves count on each other for the pack to survive, we also have this same idea of family for us to be able to be strong, and to survive. But our need to belong or contribute for the good of all can and eventually gives way to a higher need for independence like that lone wolf, as we discover and explore ourselves and pursue other interests or goals that don’t always coincide with our families’ intentions or expectations of us. What’s more interesting is that despite the potential for losing one family, the idea of family never truly dies as we seek out others outside our biological ones who share our philosophies, experiences, ideals, or perspectives.

For a lone wolf like me who needs validation at times or a sense that I matter someway, am important to others or to someone specific, the idea of family is still highly prized. The desire to contribute something new whether it’s to make someone’s life easier, happier, or just plain more exciting, adds value and for me, brings great pleasure in the giving as well as the receiving. Rather wolf or human, being truly by your self is never more satisfying than being a part of something bigger, even if it’s for a short time or temporarily until you build your own family or become an active member of someone else’s.

I suppose my lone wolf mentality goes back to having my biological family abandon me because I did not share their beliefs or Christian/Catholic values when it comes to relationships as I've been a lesbian for well over 22 years or so. Not to mention my strong support of Wiccan philosophies, an openness when it comes to sexuality, and my own gender fluent opinion on what society accepts as male or female attitudes, traits or characteristics versus what's in the soul of an individual, certainly had ramifications. Seems I have always been in search of where I belong or fit it and up until recently I had begun questioning this idea of family due to some misfortunes that I had to endure through the years which have tainted or jaded my point of view on the family structure in general.

My idea of family centers around trusting the individuals within to always look out for me, or who I can seek advice about, feel safe with, in addition to a sense of home, and belonging. The leather community as a whole I have come to accept as a kind of family with similar interests, ideas and values. I've been blessed to be a part of two distinctive leather families, one where the Alpha was a Mistress and the other a Daddy. Each uniquely provided experience and education from two perspectives, gay and the other straight. Despite some of the negative things that happened in both environments, I realized that people are, well, only human and they do make mistakes or choices that can and sometimes do hurt others, even if they didn't intend it to. What hurt the most in either situation is that I believed in them and I opened my heart once more after spending years alone, dealing with and accepting the abandonment from my biological family only to feel blindsided yet again.

Of course I still believe in the family structure as it still has value to me, especially in the leather community where you look to each other to support and validate your interests since society clearly won't. It's good to belong but I'm always conscious of the costs to my own individuality. Can you have one without it affecting the other? With the recent hurt I've experienced, I seem to be gravitating towards my lone wolf ideals. I have always counted on myself to survive and I suppose that same perspective carries into my romantic life. Granted, not everyone is inconsiderate and only concerned about themselves, and I have to believe that there are still good people out there like me who value honesty, trust, honor, love, community, friendship as well as family.   


Peace  

The Switch is Always On!

While I'm still looking for that right Mistress or Daddy or maybe even both (greedy greedy) for my boy side, or a primary top heavy switch for my lesbian needs, my Daddy/Sir is actively enjoying a leather relationship with a sweet girl, let's call her M...she loves it when I call her my pet. Yesterday we spent most of the time at her friend's wedding reception and then later in the evening, some intimate quality time together which we don't often get to do as she has many other responsibilities, being a wife and step mom to an 8 year old girl and the main bread winner in her household as the hubby is busy trying to build his photography business.  All in all it's a perfect situation as I'm not a 24/7 leather person and I definitely don't define myself as only a top. What makes it work with M is that she is a friend as well as a lover, she already has a primary, which does not limit me from continuing my search for a primary partner and/or a Mistress, and the expectations she has on me or me on her do not deter our time together. Her submissive side is beautiful when it comes out but it does not define us as solely D/s., nor do I desire a 24/7 D/s element. I can call her my girlfriend in certain circles like when I'm hanging out with my lesbian friends who are not into poly or the leather thing so it's easier for them to understand my situation with M as someone I'm dating. When we are active in the leather community, I call her my pet and she stays in sub space, keeping me in Top space, which I'm beginning to enjoy more and more each day as I continue my exploration into my own leather identity. 

M doesn't try to change me and although she wishes she could bring out my boy, it has not hindered what we do have together.  Her biggest concern is the fear that I won't pursue other interests and she does not want me to let go of someone who wants to be monogamous because they can't understand my relationship to her and would want me to end it.  I try to explain to M that she will never hinder me from being involved with others but I will not be with someone who tells me I can't be with her because they can't handle it. I think for the most part I am poly but it's seems to be prevalent in my D/s situations only.  I believe I am simply a lesbian looking for a primary relationship that is kink or leather based and with a woman who understands that I have other needs that involve BDSM.  I need someone who is confident, not smothering, or clingy, not insecure in my relationship to them, but understands that there will always be some type of secondaries in my life as I've established certain intimacies (friends with benefits) that although they aren't consistent or are rare, when the opportunity presents itself, I won't be deterred from pursuing whatever it brings about.  I can't be comfortable in any situation if the person limits me from other interests. I do need grounding and a sense of family, or home, but the explorer in me is constantly growing and changing. I could be monogamous but I'm not one who believes that one person can meet all your needs. It would be absolutely amazing if I could truly find that but I'm okay if I don't.

People come into your life for so many reasons and they fill a unique part of you that maybe at the time you weren't sure you wanted but in that process of knowing, you begin to realize that you really enjoy being something in addition to what you initially planned.  And often, others may see something in you that you have not quite seen in yourself and it's only through exploration that you come to the realization and much to the dismay of some people's views that you can't make up your  mind, or can't pick a side, top or bottom, that you are indeed a switch and fuck all those who say something is wrong with you because you don't want to choose.  One is always exploring and pushing their limits so why be what everyone else thinks you should be? Well, that's obviously not me, but it has caused some issues with finding someone I could be collared or owned by as I've yet to meet someone who is okay with that switch rather then forcing me to choose in order to be owned by them.  I don't see why I can't own a submissive and also be collared to a Mistress or Daddy, plus have a primary. In some cases, that primary may just be your Mistress or Daddy or your submissive. In either situation, D/s does not have to be 24/7 for me but sharing my life with someone is. It's greater than the D/s part of me but I won't turn off the D/s part of me either for a relationship.

Anyway - this weekend was great and I'm looking forward to my upcoming trip to NM in March.  Life just keeps getting better day after day for me...now if I could just get that illusive job in NM, then I can move ahead with my life but in a place I know I belong and am ready for.

Peace