Ah Albuquerque...

By far one of the most memorable trips I’ve ever had.  I arrived Thursday Nov 18^th to sunny skies and 58 degrees.  I took the free shuttle to La Quinta, definitely one of my favorite hotels, to check in. The shuttle driver suggested that if I wanted a view of the mountains to ask for a room on the third floor east side of the building. Imagine my delight when the sexy lady behind the front desk, said ‘Yep, we have a room available.’ After I settled in Room 333, the first thing I did was step out of the door, breathe in the New Mexico air, and tried to get the best picture possible with my phone camera.  Thankfully, I brought a real camera with.  The air was crisp, the view mesmerizing.

Once I unpacked, I sent a text message to Vincie, the best guy in the whole wide world, that I had arrived safely.  He said “I’ll pick you up around 530-6pm and I’m going to take you into Old Town.” I was so excited, and looking forward to seeing him. We were on the road in no time to Old Town for a bite to eat at this place that made Quesadillas. Sadly we did not get there in enough time as the place had just closed. Vincie mentioned that this time of the year most of the shops closed up pretty early.  Not to disappoint me I told Vincie I had a taste for a burger so we headed out of Old Town, not before I purchased this elegant, Indian-motif blanket, and ended up at this place called the Five Guys. Best burger I ever tasted.

The next morning was the most awesome experience ever. Vincie took me to the Wild Spirit Wolf Sanctuary way out there in Candy Kitchen, NM.  I had been checking out their link on line for quite some time, it was a big draw for me, getting to NM to see the wolves. It was overwhelming and inspiring.  I can’t find the right words to describe such magnificent and majestic animals and how I felt, humbled in their presence. Of course it would have been awesome to actually touch them through their enclosures, but I settled for being as up close as one could get during the tour through the Sanctuary.  Took some great pictures although I wish the enclosures could be deleted. 

Coming back from the Sanctuary was sad, as I really wished we could have stayed longer. Next time, I’m going to make reservations in advance and take the photography tour, where you can actually meet the wolves. We stopped off at Sky City Casino, and popped in for a buffet. I did entertain the thought of playing the slots a little, but money is tight right now so I was a good boy and just enjoyed our buffet, which was yummy. Back at the hotel, I took some time to myself, finished my homework and then met up with Vince a little later. He took me out to a cute little gay bar called Exhale. Some friends he knew both straight and gay were hanging out there as a fundraiser was going on.  I was excited to be around the diversity, sat back, grabbed a Samuel Adams and watched a lip sync contest mixed with Drag Kings and Drag Queens.  It was awesome.  Met some wonderful and colorful characters and it was really nice to be so far from Chicago yet still feel I belonged in their community, which I hope to call home in the near future. I just loved it. The people were warm and welcoming, not at all uptight, very laid back, extremely sociable and really made me feel at ease.

It was a long night, but I had an awesome time meeting everyone. By the time Vince got me back to the hotel I was exhausted. The dry air makes you super thirsty, I never would have thought I would love water so much. The long hike thru the Sanctuary just about did me in, so Vince said, “you best get some rest, we’re going into Santa Fe tomorrow via the Turquoise Trail.” I thought how cool is that.  I am so grateful for Vince. I doubt I would have traveled here without knowing someone.  He used to drive tour buses so I also could not have found a better guide.

The Turquoise Trail is the most scenic route into Santa Fe.  You drive thru pueblo territories and small quaint little towns, it’s the type of drive that you wish you had a motorcycle for.  We stopped in Madrid to check out some of the shops. Didn’t see anything I wanted to purchase, but I did find a great little leather shop that customizes leather chaps. But I was disappointed as I thought it would be more like a store where you can try on stuff and pick out something you like.  But the woman who owned the shop only does customize work.  I took a quick peek at her book to see what designs, colors and styles she had created, but nothing really struck my fancy.  I didn’t bother to ask her about pricing as I could only imagine how costly it would have been to have her customize a pair of chaps for me, maybe next time.

Santa Fe is the capital of New Mexico and OMG! It is breathtaking. I love the pueblo buildings, the bright reddish clay coloring amidst the backdrop of the mountains. The sun sparkles off the mountain terrain, which seems endless.  Many of the homes are on mountaintops or deep into the dry valley below, consumed, almost invisible due to the immense, surrounding hills. Of course you will not see any green lawns and paved roads. Most folks it seemed in Santa Fe do not bother to wash their vehicles, but I can certainly understand that, by the time you drive out of the area to find a car wash then drive back to your home in the hills or the valley, it’s covered in dirt, once again.

Being in Santa Fe was nice, but I don’t think I’d ever want to live there. But it is a great place for tourists, lots to do, many galleries and shops.  Lots of the natives sell their wares in the plaza square.  Vince told me a lottery is pulled for those who get to pick their spots to sell stuff. If they don’t call your name, well, you can’t sell that week, I believe. I thought I had wanted to stay longer in Santa Fe, but parking was a bitch and I honestly didn’t want to get pulled in too deeply with buying souvenirs, although I did get some things. Of course the best thing I bought for myself was an awesome knife. The store, I believe, was called Santa Fe Cutlery, and the owner had some unique pieces. Way too Expensive though, but I did manage to find ‘the one’ that fit my budget.

On the way back to Albuquerque, we stopped in a great little stir-fry place called Ghengis Grill where I met another great lady Julie, who is a good friend of Vince’s. In the restaurant you get to pick your meats, vegetables, sauces and any type of rice or pastas and they grill it up for you into a big bowl.  The food was awesome, the taste excellent as it did not bother my stomach and the price, fairly reasonable.  Lots of people there as it was Saturday night, tons of College kids and the diversity was terrific, it almost felt like Chicago. After dinner, we met up with a bunch of kinksters at a bar to watch a karaoke contest. It was also where I met a wonderful, captivating, classy Lady named Katalina.  I had been hoping to meet her as I’d been in touch thru Fet Life for a little while so it truly was a pleasure meeting her. Something tells me I’m gonna see a lot more of her when I go back in March. It’s hard to ignore great chemistry, respect and social elegance. Liked her very much, and look forward to getting to know her better next time I’m in Albuquerque.

All in all, it was a great trip…March can’t come sooner.

Peace

Finding the Way Back to Me

Relationships are not only about sharing your life, but a way of teaching you things about yourself. And if you don’t learn from your past mistakes, you will repeat them once again. It can be heart-wrenching when things go wrong and even though both parties had great intentions going into something, the universe may have other plans and the hope is that the breakup is amicable. Recent experiences lately have found me reflective, beginning the arduous task of analyzing my own accountability and trying to learn from the things that could have been avoided, if I trusted my gut. Sometimes we compromise too much of what we value or need in a relationship because we are deeply in love and too often, try to be what our partners want or need from us and lose ourselves in the process. In turn, it's easy to regret decisions that seemed okay at the time, but really weren't.
 
They say you should try to be honest in a relationship but I think it’s just as important to be honest with yourself first. And when you start to feel like things are a miss, you need to trust your instincts. Of course I failed miserably at this in my recent relationship and although I know breaking up was the right thing for us, it still hurts nonetheless. Recognizing the mistakes I made were eerily similar to prior situations was a good barometer for understanding why this relationship fell apart as did the others in the past. One thing I rediscovered about myself is that wanting your partner to be happy should not force you to compromise pieces of yourself in the process, like your values, morals and standards.
 
Another thing I learned was that, due to the abandonment issues brought on by a family that disowned me years ago because of my lifestyle, was a plague that I could not find a cure for and the fear of being abandoned yet again, by someone I loved, played itself throughout this relationship and far too often. And before I could get a handle on it, my partner simply ran out of patience with me and our time constraints & inconsistencies with where I stood in her world steadily began pulling us further and further apart. With poly-amorous or any other type of multiple partners, primary roles need to be defined but can quickly change as new partners are added in the mix. This can be even more devastating if the other people who become involved are also your friends. Soon, your perceptions are greatly impacted by these changes and can and most often cause a breakdown in communication as well as trust.

I had adapted way too much to what I believed in my heart she wanted, and left myself wide open for a level of disappointment. But somewhere along the line she was not able to give me what I needed and I could not do the same for her. Part of the problem was that I did not recognize that we were two very different people with opposing values, ethics and opinions regarding poly-amorous relationships. We simply desired different things and sometimes you want to be ‘in love’ so badly or you are afraid of being alone, or you’re going through some type of transition that you fail to see what’s happening right in front of you. I felt her actions did not fit the words that she spoke, and eventually I questioned everything.  And in the end, it was quickly over as it had begun.

So how did I find the way back to me?  Acceptance of what can’t be changed, recognition of my own limitations, forgiveness, compassion, understanding and a cease-fire when it comes to the blame game. There are no winners or losers in a breakup, only the realization of what has already passed, the innate desire to move on and the knowledge of what was gained and lost and how these factors prepare you for the next person who gives you that wonderful smile that says, “yes, I’d love to get to know you better.”  

On the Fence

It’s always interesting when the holidays approach and you are a poly-person. What’s even more confusing is when you are poly but at the present time, there is only one person you are involved with, so you wonder, are you still poly? It was so much easier when the object of my affection and lust was a bisexual married woman.  I always knew where I stood in her world and never felt any pressures or obligations, but when it comes to someone who is very much single and not seeing other partners, the stakes are much higher and a lot harder to define, as I’m finding out.  

I think some people can still get confused when the holidays approach.  It's a difficult time when you are not monagamous or if you are dating multiple people, you just don't know if bringing them to your family for Xmas is appropriate.  My family, even though they are open-minded, still felt certain that me bringing someone who I am not committed to or monagamous with was not an option. Surprisingly, I actually agree with their logic as I feel the same way, especially if fate brings someone new to my world and I choose to be monogamous with that person, the last thing I want to do is mislead people, rather it be my family or someone else's.

For some reason, I remain confused if I’m poly because it’s truly satisfying, although I can’t say for sure presently, since no one else is involved with me intimately, or if I’m poly because the right woman is still out there and I’m hanging on to the idea of multiple partners until I can be with one person and only that person. Or, if I'm poly by choice rather than situation.  In the past, it was much easier to move on if things weren't working out, rather than hanging on, and seeking out someone else who could meet my needs if the other person could not.  I hoped that being poly would be ok, as it was before when I was involved with the married couple, but honestly, I’m not sure I still support poly or am satisfied with its uncertainty. But whoever is involved with me should stay open to new possibilities, especially if I can’t give 100%. 

It's equally interesting when you are involved with someone who is clearly monagamous and they give you that, "I'm really ok with this," but their actions tell you different. I think sometimes the one who is not poly prevents themselves from finding someone new, who shares their love for monagamy in the hopes of changing the mind of the other who is poly. What's worse is that when I was in a situation just like this, I couldn't help but feel guilty because she was only getting a part of me, not all of me. Was it possible that I was somehow forcing our situation to continue by giving her mixed messages, or worse yet, false hope, even though it may have been truly over from a practical and logical perspective? I honestly don’t know.  I do know that I enjoyed her company but in minimal doses, as most often I chose to go to events or parties by myself rather than with her. At times I think it would have been easier if we both met someone new. 

When I talk with my extended leather family, they seem to get that I am a poly-amorous person, yet when I am in the company of friends or family who are traditional in their ideals, morals and values, I get more and more uncertain of my decision to be poly. I guess this is why I came up with the title On the Fence, as I'm at odds with the traditional concepts of commitment that I was brought up with and those intrinsic values are always in question for me. I am a leather woman in spirit and in heart and I know that I want to be in a relationship with another leather woman who understands the scene and so forth and gets poly, truly gets it not just acts like they do. 

For me, finding a leather person is taking a more urgent part in my life and that reality is putting pressure on me, causing me to question everything I believe in.  It's like I'm out of balance somehow. I realize, I am not the same person I was years ago and I am well aware and understand that perhaps I have changed and no longer want to sustain poly-relationships. But what I do know is that I continue to try and be honest with my partners so that they can choose their own paths or what works best for them.  I am truly On the Fence about everything and this fact is causing me a great deal of pain as for the first time in my life I absolutely have no idea what I'm doing. I just hope that I have not fallen prey to settling or the dreaded afraid of being alone syndromes, although being alone was never an issue before, nor have I ever settled.  But sometimes it seems you search so long for what you think you need but when it finally comes your way, you are either not satisfied by it or it simply isn't at all what you had hoped it would be and sadly, you might find out that you didn't need it in the first place.

Despite all of this, I remain confident that I will find my way through the clouds of doubt and mists of uncertainty, but till then, I hope to continue being honest and true to myself, and to those who are involved with me.

PEACE

Thinking Positively

Since my last post some unexpected things have happened but I have also been blessed with some good stuff that came out of those things.  I'll try to explain...

My mom has been in and out of the hospital and various doctor's offices over the past 8 months or so.  She has chronic pain throughout the back of her head and has lost some hearing in her ear. She was diagnosed with TMJ Arthritis in her jaw which probably caused the teeth clinching stuff eventually bringing about some nerve damage thus the dizziness and pain, worse than a migraine, according to my mom. Since my dad passed away she has not been the same, and now she is having severe abdominal pains.  Doc thinks it could be brought on by a blood blister they found on her liver. However, they do not want to operate because any procedure could prove difficult, maybe even fatal. At this point, the risk is much greater than the pain she is having and there is no guarantee that the blood blister is causing the abdominal pains. The Gastronologist thinks the pains will eventually ease up, but could come back. He calls the pain episodic, which means she will never be rid of it.  After several tests, they still have not found anything else physically wrong with her.  I believe she is depressed since dad died which I feel is exasperating her symptoms to the point of ongoing, continued physical pain, maybe even a bit of mental stress which may continue to cause more and more ailments. 

Both my brother and I have been taking turns driving her around due to the continued head pain and dizziness. She is afraid to drive long distances, but I think this is for the better. When she started having these symptoms of dizziness and pain, she got into an accident, luckily it was only in the garage where she parks her car. She had hit a pole, she thinks, but didn't remember the incident, like as if she blacked out or something. She has good days and bad days but they can't treat anything if they don't know what is causing the rapid and chronic pain. She is taking Lyrica for her head but the doc thinks that if all this was due to nerves than the Lyrica would help the abdominal pains.

Worrying about my mom and my own recent personal trauma with breaking up, yet again with my ex, has certainly caused much stress and I suddenly found myself not paying as close attention to other things in my life like my job. I found out from my boss that I have violated the company's attendance policy and now I'm on probation for the next 6 months.  The policy states "no more than 4 occurrences or no more than 8 sick days, etc."  I only took 6 days, but that is still more than 4 occurrences.  The 8 sick days means you can't take that many in a row or they would consider that 4 occurrences. It's not one or the other I thought. The company pays you for using sick time but you are penalized for it. Thru a rolling 12 month calendar year, if you have more than 4 occurrences you get a verbal warning. I only have 2 days of vacation left so I had to cancel my trip to TN to visit some friends in order to save those days for an emergency. My brother was made aware of the situation so hopefully if anything comes up, he can take care of mom.  I can't afford to have anymore unexcused absences or I can seriously jeopardize my employment especially when you only get a week's vacation a year.

I have been considering quitting my job and moving out of state because of this.  I already have an open door policy with my dear friends in TN as well as some unexpected new friends I've been in contact with over the past year in NM, who have also offered assistance should I relocate.  I have 3 classes left for my BA and then I am free to take the necessary steps towards my future rather it be academically, personally or professionally. My car will be paid for in December which will give me a lot more disposable income that I can save should I decide to move.  This is all positive, but I have to get thru these next 6 months without incident. 

So what's a gal to do when it seems like so much drama and aggravation comes her way? Of course, getting laid would be perfect but it would only solve my problems temporarily. Ah, but what a nice distraction if I could find it.  I wish I could be that carefree and have a one night stand with a stranger, but in this world, health risks are far too strenuous to take a chance on a lustful evening, but... 

I digress...

I always try to look for the upside of every situation.  My boss is supportive and believes I will easily get thru my 6 month probation.  The company is utilizing a computer generated punch clock, so one of the good things that came out of the attendance problem was I finally got earlier hours, 8am to 4:30pm.  I have been wanting these hours for 3 years now.  We have enough people that can stay till 5pm so with having to leave early to make my classes, she opted to upgrade the punch clock system to the 8 to 430 hours. Without that, if I was to leave at 430, the system shows that I left 1/2 earlier than what I was supposed too.  We both felt that since I am under such close scrutiny, it was wise to create consistency with my time.  This coincides with payroll and the attendance policy.

Other than the attendance issue, my mid-term review was awesome.  I've been called upon to train a new biller in our department, and my boss has asked me to review other billers to ensure that the invoices that go out to the clients are accurate.  The company has internal auditors who review the billers monthly so having a quality control person in the interim should prove beneficial in the long run. I've taken to my new role well, as a biller myself, I was the right choice considering my accuracy has been at 99% cumulative for the whole year thus far.  I also review internal and external documentation that coincides with billing the premiums to the customers so this duality has made me invaluable to my boss which is probably why she is not worried about this attendance issue.  I'm glad because her confidence in me helps my stress level immensely, despite the unwelcome negativity.

Getting out earlier has already proved beneficial, as I was able to meet with a Director at National-Louis University for their M.S. in Written Communication Program. It is difficult trying to get together with academic advisors and such because they are usually done for the day before I even get home from work.  Recently, I have been exploring Graduate programs in the Chicago area and because I am thinking about relocating, I've also been looking at other state programs in Creative Writing or English. I had been so disappointed with what I did find locally due to inconvenience, no flexibility & impossible costs until I reviewed National-Louis University's Program thru their website.  After meeting with their Representative, if I decide to stay in Chicago, I will be attending National-Louis University in the Fall of 2010.

The Written Communication program at NLU is perfect for me. It combines a practical Master's Program which supports writing in a professional capacity, other options like improving your creative writing ability if you decide to freelance or become an author, and provides an additional opportunity if one decides to teach college Freshman composition once the M.S. is completed.  They have a National Magazine which is created by the students in the program, so I have a chance to get some editing experience and although extremely competitive, might get my writing published.  All these options are available with this Degree.  They also have a proficiency credit program that can assist in obtaining class credit for prior works or experiences that they feel would meet the course requirements. This option gives you credit rather than taking the class. For example, I have published articles in Nine-Tails, the Chicago Leather Club's newsletter and I have an article that was posted on-line to Leather Views. With these works, the proficiency option can be met for their Feature Writing Class and at a fraction of the normal costs. I would get 3 credit hours met but would not have to pay the full tuition for the class, this would benefit me financially. The college has a number of scholarships available and each summer, they also have writing workshops that can be used towards your degree.  Tuition is reasonable, less than Northwestern, DePaul, Roosevelt, and Columbia that have similar programs but is more than Northeastern, however, NEIU does not have a writing program that supports what I need. They have an English Master's Program with a Composition track which supports literature or based in literary criticism rather than improving your writing skills or preparing you for a professional job in writing fields such as advertising, marketing, communications, radio, education or public relations. Wahoo!  Not a bad program at all if I decide to stay in Chicago.  I can either take the classes in Skokie or Downtown, 8 blocks from where I work.  Classes are once a week from 6-8:55pm and the program can be completed in about 2-2 1/2 years.

So as I mentioned before, there is always an upside to hard times.  Hopefully I can navigate through the next 6 months, finish my BA, and then start thinking about what I will do next. Stay Tuned!

Peace.  

The Need New Playground Syndrome

Some people have a drive to always keep growing personally, creatively, and/or professionally in life. You never want to feel complacent or content with how things are, but what lies ahead for you.  The need to grow can be satisfied in a number of ways, sometimes it is moving out of town or state, starting a new career, going back to school, a new relationship, and even finding a brand spanking new (no pun intended) play partner. If I had to examine these options more closely, I would have to say that moving out of state would be the hardest for most people but not impossible.

I was at a party yesterday and people were talking about these very things.  For some, the economy is so bad that they are still looking for that perfect job, for others, they are going thru some heavy drama in their respective intimate relationships, friendships were fading or becoming non-existent, and one person in particular was absolutely aggravated by the idea of continuing to work for someone who is an a*hole for the rest of her life.  All valid reasons to want a change of pace.  For me, I kept thinking, all these issues I have come into contact with recently could be why I've been feeling the need new playground syndrome myself.

After my trip to University of WI in Madison for my Writer's Retreat, I have been extremely disillusioned about continued life in Chicago.  Recent trends have put me in a state of disharmony or unbalance and isolated, needing alone time to think. Coming back home was like a shock to my system.  You see, on the trip I had felt such a sense of freedom and creativity, no stress or drama, intelligent conversations with writers such as myself and an absolutely gorgeous campus where the lake was within walking distance from where my class was and where I was staying. The unique college town with it's many bookstores, coffee shops, restaurants, streets that cars weren't allowed to drive on was just about as cozy, slow-paced and peaceful as can be.  When I came home it was back to the 9 to 5, taking the Metra Train downtown, people pushing and shoving, rushing to get to their offices and folks swearing up and down about how life has cheated them or how their partners screwed them out of money or anything else that they could come up with to give reason for their miserable existences or their bad attitudes.  Yikes, I know my life has not been perfect, dealing with being gay and my family's difficulty with that reality or getting fired by my own first a*hole of a boss, or thinking I would fail at college.  But I am still standing and so very proud of what I've accomplished, 3 classes to go and my BA in English will be finished. I'm becoming a better writer, I have long time friends who continue to surprise me everyday to being a founding member of the Chicago Leather Club, and finally, maintaining intimate relationships thru the years but even I feel it's time to get out of dodge and begin to start anew elsewhere.  

Perhaps it is just boredom, writer's block, depression, maybe the loss of sex-drive from my current and past poly relationships that satisfied me before but lately felt I've outgrown in some way, leather and/or vanilla friendships that thru time has sadly, left me unsatisfied. Of course people have other things in their lives which does prevent quality time together and can seem that the friendship is non-existent, but that's life. I have often stressed that as a person you need to look for signs to come your way that help you decide what to do next and I can't help but consider these unsettling moments in my life as a sign..."time to move on."  So today as I sit here drinking a fine glass of wine, contemplating my next move in life, I started looking into other states that I feel would give me a fresh start, allow me to meet new people for the leather BDSM part of me as well as socially and in support of my writing creativity both professionally and personally.  I need to move to the next step and I'm not finding that here in Chicago either personally or professionally. 

In the past few months, I've been blessed to have met some friends on line from the Albuquerque New Mexico area, I call them transplants since some of them are from the Chicago area initially.  It is always good to meet folks from other places, it helps bridge the gap between lifestyles and opens you up to other ways people exist, love, learn, teach, etc.  I have not permanently made any decisions on the matter of moving out of state, just exploring options provided by folks who are of the areas in which I am interested in moving too. I've always loved the west coast, warm climates, wide open spaces, lakes, rivers and anything else that breathes in me a sense of well-being, peace, harmony, mother nature, creativity and balance.  I looked into the University of New Mexico's Masters Program in Creative Writing and found it appealing.  Seems New Mexico is a great mecca for writers, authors and other creative types.  The culture itself is condusive to what I call the writing life with a number of national magazines published out of New Mexico and writing conferences that bring into the area writers from all over each year.   I've also looked into UCLA Berkeley and other California state colleges that have writer's programs or degrees in Creative Writing.  I have been approached by teachers at NEIU, here in Chicago that I should consider teaching English since I am a natural educator and with a Masters or Doctorate degree could send me in a new direction towards academia.  I myself am thinking more of an editor for a publishing company.  Of course, I really would love to be an accomplished author and it would be pretty cool to have a talk radio show about sexuality and relationships, two things I know a lot about and have a great deal of experience with.

For now, I need to finish my BA because without it I can't even apply to a college in a Graduate program and as far as financially, once my car is paid for, it should free up some cash allowing me to save a little each month, putting me in a better position to relocate some time next year.  From my contacts in New Mexico I've already recd a number of links regarding job opportunities, magazines and other publishing companys and housing in that area.  University of New Mexico also has scholarships available for masters and doctoral programs which gives me another option for continuing my education.  I also found out that the UCLA program has a reasonable tuition, less than here at Northwestern, Roosevelt or Columbia College for that matter.  DePaul is pretty pricey too, and cost will be a factor depending on where I decide to move to.  Job wise, I won't actively pursue until my degree is completed here at NEIU.  With offers for housing by folks who would like to see me succeed is also an option, not sure I would take it, but in the near future I do hope to vacation in the respective areas I'm considering to give me a feel for the culture.  Having friends will certainly ease any transitions.

Although leaving home is a big step, I would certainly miss my friends and family, but that's the beauty of the internet, you never really lose contact.  One thing is for sure, I'm ready for the next phase of my life, just not exactly sure where that road will lead me.

Peace.