AH…THE BEAUTY OF POLYAMOROUS ARRANGEMENTS

Coming out of a monogamous situation has me longing for the convenience of the poly-amorous arrangements I had experienced prior to my recent committed relationship. Although poly-amorous arrangements can be relatively enjoyable as long as all parties are open and honest, it does get quite difficult when emotions run high or if one person wants more than the other people involved. The advantage however of these situations is the fact that the relationships are ongoing, intimate and can fulfill many needs, wants and desires that conventional one-on-one situations can limit or fall short of meeting.

Everyone knows that dating is tough and most often when you date society tends to emphasize the, ‘where is the relationship going, are we moving in together, having a family, getting married, syndromes.’ This can add pressure, expectations, and responsibilities you may not be ready to handle. Sometimes thinking so far ahead may not be in one’s mindset at the present time, so what ends up happening is you end the potential dating relationship and remain friends. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s just kind of sad, you spent the time getting to know the person, feeling comfortable with them, but for some reason you have to move on because it seems easier or as some might say, ‘the right thing to do.’ When someone is insecure and afraid because they sense they love more than the other, we subconsciously tend to push for a greater commitment from our partners but sometimes both parties are simply not on the same page. Jealousy and mistrust can also be a factor that derails monogamous or dating relationships causing problems that we simply can’t correct no matter how hard we may try.

Poly is not the same as dating and it’s definitely not a one-night stand. I like the term ‘friends with benefits.’ Poly situations can involve two or more people in a caring, nurturing, intimate and enjoyable, satisfying existence. The difficulty with these relationships is that sometimes you don’t feel stable, secure or grounded. The spontaneity can be alluring but most folks involved in these arrangements live active, busy lives and this can prove a detriment if you find yourself needing them for some reason but they are not available at the time you require them. This can be hard to handle at times, but keep in mind, having more than one person in these extended poly-families can ease this tension because you are not always alone which adds a little spice to your life as well as a kind of security, even if it doesn’t seem that way.

Despite welcoming poly back into my life I still have not gotten on the proverbial horse again as they say. It has certainly been exciting getting positive feedback and various emails from people that I established relationships with before and especially from the new folks that surprised me with their interest now, but I think the 3yrs away from that life has made me a bit gun shy. For me, it was the familiarity, closeness, intimacy, and variety that poly provided that was so appealing, that’s not to say that my previous relationship was unfulfilling, just different than what I had been accustomed too. For awhile being monogamous was satisfying, but I still felt limited, and very much missed the things I found desirable about poly, especially the choice of picking and choosing who I wanted to be with at any given time.

Traditionally, monogamy does not allow multiple partners and that’s ok for some, but doesn’t always work for others in the end over an extended period of time as I found for myself with my recent relationship. I can recall feeling smothered, trapped, even neutered in an odd way and due to some issues that kept hanging around over the years, I found myself falling out of love as quickly as I fell in love, longing for my old life back, one filled with excitement, variety, freshness, exploration and no expectations or forced responsibilities I wasn’t prepared to deal with. We were two very different people and I think I wanted so bad to be with someone solely for me thinking it would be enough but found out it simply wasn’t. I never planned on hurting her and honestly thought I did what was best for us in the end, acknowledging that I could no longer be what was secure, happy, loving and satisfying for her, as well as me.

These days I have been re-evaluating poly and the familiarity it offers by seeking out those people I had already established an intimacy with in the past. I know I am not ready to start all over again with dating women outside the leather community or establishing new play partners or lovers within the BDSM lifestyle. Although my interest in re-establishing poly-amorous arrangements is high, I still seem to be at a loss as to my reluctance to jump right in. I’ve also come to the realization that the only folks who truly understand poly are those that are living an alternate lifestyle like BDSM, not that traditional lesbians can’t accept this philosophy, but the majority do not understand it nor are interested in open relationships. Much too often, people believe poly is cheating or is disrespectful to their respective partner,  but the beauty of poly is that with good communication comes respect and honesty and this openness is advantageous in maintaining long lasting poly arrangements that can enrich one's lives. 

LOSING THE ME INSIDE THE WE

For the most part, relationships are at their strongest when activities, interests, expectations, responsibilities and the like are communicated effectively between the parties in the relationship.  This is not always the case when you have two people who have very different priorities, wants, needs and desires, during the dating process vs commitments that are made, changing the points of views drastically. Most often, expectations for one party do not coincide with the other. I would have to say that I see this scenario most often when one person is accustomed to a 24/7 style of living whereas the relationship is inclusive, entertainment, activities, friendships, and everything is predecated on the two people doing everything together.  So what happens when the other person does not share this philosophy? Chaous, confusion, loss of individuality, etc., especially when one expects their partner to change as the relationship progresses to meet their own needs, wants, desires, thus the potential for losing the me inside the we.

For the most part, couples do accept each other for who they are whether they are dating or if they both decide to get married or have a commitment. However, society sometimes reeks havoc on that school of thought and it is easy to expect more from your partner, since you are now married and not just dating. I guess I am of the idea that you should continue to be who you are and not change because someone else might see things differently. Losing yourself isn't based on how often or how minimal you may spend time with your partner, it's a feeling you begin experiencing while you are involved, causing an individual to feel like their wants, needs, or desires are no longer their own but more or less their partners. It is common for folks to compromise a little to help the relationship along, keeping both parties continually happy as they progress and grow, but sometimes even though you may not realize it, you begin to change certain aspects of yourself with the intent of making the other person happy.  This is a catch 22 because if you change or adjust to much to what you perceive the other person needs, you may find yourself lost in the WE.

I remember vividly a past relationship I had where I did adapt to my partner's needs.  It wasn't that what my partner required was all that different than what she was used to while we were dating, it's just when it's expected of you on a 24/7 basis, it can be pretty overwhelming. Some changes are not always emotional, I grew my hair out, and I even started to wear dresses and skirts instead of more comfortable clothes because my partner preferred a more feminine looking person and not the tomboy she met initially. My partner became engrossed in what she perceived as something I wanted to explore but not necessarily something I wanted to become. Don't get me wrong, I did love the attention bestowed by my partner, but after awhile, I just didn't feel like I was myself.  I had changed way too much.  The relationship ended although on good terms, but it still hurt nonetheless.  I think that's why I still feel it is so important to maintain your own ideas, philosophies, interests, activities, friendships, and the like in order to have a happy and healthy relationship.  It certainly helps to communicate any problems, but I did not do that in my prior relationship because I was already dependent from a monetary standpoint and I was afraid if I rocked the boat, I would find myself out on the streets, afterall, it was her place and not mine. 

But I digress...I would never want to feel trapped or smothered as I did in that past relationship, afraid to speak my mind or fearing some kind of retaliation.  It's so easy to put some things aside when you are with someone who loves you, but you still need to be careful about being something you are not. Just remember, they chose and accepted you for who you were, not for some potential or possibility they expected you to become.

GREAT LAKES LEATHER WEEKEND

One of the wonderful things I like about being in the leather community are the various leather events that are happening all around the states, all throughout the year.  The Great Lakes Leather Alliance (GLLA) event is one of my favorites because it has a lot to offer rather than just good food, and drinking.  This year's event was the weekend of Aug 22 in Indianapolis, IN.

GLLA is a pansexual organization and is inclusive, meaning, gay, lesbian, bi, transgender, straight are all welcome to attend their events. Each year they have a play space, various workshops/seminars, and contests, such as Great Lakes Ms. Leather Pride, Great Lakes Sir and Boy, and also Great Lakes Bootblack. Unlike the traditional gay men events, GLLA also has a small vendor market for people to purchase items, clothing, toys, etc.  Although the GLLA's vendor market is most definitely not as large as Int'l Mr. Leather's event in Chicago every Memorial Day Weekend, GLLA does have some good stuff and reasonably priced.

The turn out this year was so great that the hotel was completely booked for the entire weekend.  I can't tell you how awesome it is to see so many leather people in the same place.  These events are teriffic outlets for peoples' hum drum lives, or just to get away from the stresses of work. For some, it is a lifestyle choice, in other words, 24/7.  People come from all over to attend, so most often you do run into the same people you met the prior year.  I love this, 'cause most often you don't get to see them normally because they either live out of state or busy with homelife, kids, school, work, etc.

This year, GLLA had a number of great workshops, I unfortunately could not get to all of them.  I think this is the downside, with limited time and space, there could be 4 different things going on at the same time, so you end up having to choose which workshop/seminar you'd like to attend the most.  Some workshops this year were on fisting, contractual agreements, fireplay, knife play, sensual flogging, Master/Slave relationships, pony play and my favorite, Artistic Branding.

Artistic Branding has been around for ages, many cultures use this as a form of ritual, or spiritual release,  body modification, or this is sometimes called scarification.  Just like tattoos, people may use branding as a way to mark a certain time in their lives, or a journey, they may be starting or just completing on a personal level.  Branding is also used as a form of ownership just like the big ranches use to brand their cattle for property. But in this case, branding can also be used to mark someone's slave or submissive.  It's kind of like being collared, but more personalized and specific. Brands can be a particular symbol, lettering, motif, or numbering. 

Lord Prophett was the person who did the workshop on branding.  Last year at GLLA, Prophett did a small bear paw etching, a less evasive type of branding, on my breast, so I was so excited to see him again this year at GLLA. For this year, we had spoken about something larger.  He was ready to oblige with pen in hand.  Etching is not as evasive as branding, but you get the same results.  Instead of a branding iron, Prophett used an etching pen.  This is basically a cauterizing pen that's battery operated and burns at a high voltage, and like a pen, you draw the image onto the body. 

Etching Pens, unlike branding irons, cost about $20.  With a branding iron, you need to make the brand, by the iron, heat for quite awhile then in one fell swoop, it's over.   Etching is a bit easier, and does not need time to heat up, it's hot once you click the pen on and the experience lasts a little longer and trust me, it's not even as painful as a tattoo. Don't get me wrong, it does still hurt, but healing is quick, the scar scabs and within 2wks, the scabs fall off and you have a permanent scar.

One of the other things I like about etching, is the process.  It can be very intimate with the person who is drawing the image on your body.  Like a tattoo, a tracing is created and transferred to your body.  Once the image is visible, simply trace the lines with the pen.  The pen burns out the ink from the tracing and while you draw, since this a cauterizing pen, the spot that you just traced is already closed up. This is great, no bacteria gets in, and you have already cleaned the surface ahead of time before you began the etching, so there is no aftercare once the etching is completed.  Regular healing commences, but in this case, you do not want to pick the scabs.  Picking the scabs may prevent the scar from truly congealing. You want the scar to form not become non-existent.

I mentioned the intimacy, because for me there is a kind of sensuality and closeness that develops with the person who is doing the etching on you.  You are giving yourself freely to someone you trust who is doing something to you that you desire, for them, they feel this kind of symbiosis with you.  Together you created something between the two of you only.  It's a moment in time you both share and a memory that remains each time you look at the etching.  I absolutely adore Prophett, when I met him initially we had a great chemistry and attraction.  I am a masochist afterall, and he is the sadist.  But it's much more than that, he is a great friend and someone I have gotten to know thru the years. I feel safe with him and I trust he will take good care of me.  His excitement when he finished the dragon on my back was intoxicating, just like my reactions to him while we were completing the process together was exciting to him.  My pain is his pleasure as the endorphin rush I receive is my pleasure as well.  It truly was spectacular.  

RELATIONSHIPS

Relationships are difficult. For the most part, I enjoy sharing my life with someone, but it's been my experience that you also need to find things to do outside of the relationship, without each other.  I've never been comfortable with being someone's everything because in situations like that, I can easily feel trapped or smothered.  It's my opinion that what makes a relationship work is when two people bring something to the mix.  I think it's important to be a part of someone's life, not their whole life.  I've been extremely independent over the years and have cultivated many friendships and I know for me, without them, I'd feel lost, almost as if I was losing a part of my family. I think this is because I did lose my biological family for many years when I came out to them as a lesbian.  At that time I didn't have a family, so the friendships I made in this lifestyle sort of became my surrogate family.  It's also been beneficial having friends who support you and are happy for you when you do find that someone special in your life who becomes more than just a friend. 

Nowadays, things have improved with my immediate family.  I have a brother who I'm getting to know all over again and an uncle who I see from time to time. My uncle doesn't live in Illinois, so even though I may not see him as often as I may like, it is so much fun when we do get together, catch up and of course I can't help but marvel in how much his children have grown up.  My mom and I have finally gotten back to that great relationship we once had.  I think after my father died, we got closer. Maybe losing him helped us to heal and that it didn't matter what my lifestyle choice was, as long as I was happy.  Daughters and Mothers do have the most intense relationships I've come to realize. For me, I'd rather put my energy in working through those differences that letting them fill me with anger.