Reflections of a Life Well-Lived

As I count down the two days left until my 60th birthday on April 7th, I'm reminded of how far I've come.

It's been a rough 60 years for sure, given my broken relationship with my parents when I left home at 20. Interestingly now, I can look on that as positive, as I was able to re-create my own identity as a gay woman rather than pertending to be straight to appease my family. Coming out was such a remarkable realization, trying to understand what it means to love someone of the same sex. Funny, though, as I did not have many issues with dating men, but for some reason, once I fell in love with a woman, I knew then, something was definitely different about me. 

Through the next couple of decades I spent my time exploring myself, what made me tick, what things I enjoyed, what I hoped to become, what I desired, what was important, what were my core values and finally, what does it mean to truly be happy. I'm still trying to work out the happiness part as I think this is a state of mind that you flow in and out of as life can drop you a curve ball, causing one to go off course, so to speak. The Goddess knows exactly how many times I drifted into situations, I probably should have never gotten myself into, but that's life. I chose long ago, I was going to live life not just be a passerby.

Every now and then I think about my jaunt into leather, bdsm, alternative lifestyles and the beautiful and unique people and arrangements I gravitated towards in that non-traditional world. I remember reading erotica and wanting to explore it, not just read about it and my first experience I had was with a dominatrix I met through the personal ads. I placed one in a magazine called Windy City Times. It's no longer around but it was also a great resource when I came out. At that time, I was fortunate that Chicago had multiple lesbian bars where these days, not so many. The north side was the place to go for sure. 

Some of my best memories were playing softball in a gay league, which was fabulous, as I met great people who have remained close to me even now at age 60. The bonds formed have stayed with me through the years which was lucky indeed as many become my new family, or as we would say "chosen family." It's hard to believe so many women I met in my 20s are still in my life now. It has certainly made a difference in my life since I am still trying to find the "ONE". For some reason, relationships and I don't get along. I laugh when I think about this, but with complexity comes smaller circles of available people in the dating pool. I can't complain, I did have some long-term relationships, but nothing significant to this day or anyone who has lasted. I am hopeful, though, that I will meet that certain someone, but in the meantime, I am fortunate to have so many close friends that keep me grounded and feeling loved unconditionally, which is a biggy for me.

Bucket List? Well, I have pretty much met all of them, the most recent being a published author, and now this is twice over as I've had two books out.  I am working on my third book in the series. See the Writing Accomplishments page of this website, as it will give you further details.  I have some new fans, and today, was even more special when I went to pick up my glasses from Vision One, Kendall, who I've known through the years bought my second book and still has the first book. I had no idea that my Dr. gifted it to her. She was so thrilled today when I handed her a signed copy of my 2nd book. What else is left on my bucket list you ask? Well, I still want to ride in a hot air balloon, which means, I will need to head back to Albuquerque for that. I still have friends there, and I miss them all.

Today, I marvel at the eBook version I just put out on Amazon for my book and I'm looking forward to spending my birthday with a very special someone who I just adore. We are so connected. It's probably the best and deepest friendship I've had up-to-date. She means the world to me, and sometimes I don't think she really knows how much, although she hints that her intuition tells her so. I trust in that as she is truly gifted with a kind of second sight, few are capable of.

So, for now, life keeps getting better and better with age. I am truly a fine wine.

Love and Kisses to all my readers,

Lisa

Six Decades and Counting

Good Morning Fans!

Well, let's start this out by saying, OMG! I will be 60 years old on April 7th of 2024. Can it be? Oh, yes, I've survived despite all the ups and downs of a life that has always been in flux. I say this with great pride, because as you age everything changes, not just your body physically, or your mind, mentally, but also what you've valued from your younger years is not the same when you hit your 60's.

Granted, my base values, like honesty, trust, spirituality, transparency, communication and creativity have remained, although as I've aged, there is so much growth that has happened in all these categories based on the experiences of my past. All, have brought me to this point where I can finally say 'I GET IT!'

I suppose this is my analytical side speaking but as I've learned more and more about myself, I can fully accept who I am, finally. This was never an easy thing, due to my parents infiltration, relationships that have gone awry and experiences that I'd never dreamed of exploring or finding myself in nor the lessens I've learned from them.  I am the fortunate one though, as I bask in the glory of all that is me! 

So, what's going on thus far for 2024?

Well, the 2nd book Covenant, in The Order of the Wolf: Species Chronicles Series is finished. However, Amazon is being quite the prickly adversary giving me hell about trim size and other bull shit. I don't understand their issues, when I have previewed the book in their application and rec'd a proof of the book and all looks great. The cover lines up with the text and inner pages and the spine is centerized with the title and my name as normal, so I do not see what the fuck they are talking about.  I did, upload the cover design without the crop marks which seemed to be a big issue, so now, I'm sitting in the 72 hour hold pattern waiting to get this thing published.

In the meantime, I'm planning a book release and signing party, probably near the end of April to celebrate with my closest friends.  I'm going to cater the event and do a reading from my book and hopefully, I will be able to bring a few copies for purchase at a discounted rate than if they buy the book on Amazon. Ideally, I hope the fans that will be at my party will walk out with their personal signed copy.

The first book in the series, Lineage is due to be re-released by Dorrance sometime in May or June. I'm finally coming to the close of that financial contract but I'm still unnerved that their work and timeframe is dependent on the monthly payments I have to give them in order to proceed and do their part. Although if I want some visibility, it costs, which is not unusual. I did do some research into the Fiverr website and found some great freelancers, etc., to assist with marketing and promotion at a much more reasonable price than Dorrance offered, but I'll need to investigate it further, once Book 2 is available on Amazon.

If all goes well after this stupid and idiotic Amazon snafu, going forward I intend to publish the third book in the series, Evolution in the very near future.

So, for now, my dear fans, stay tuned. 

Living with Addiction - Day 179

So, Christmas is coming.

It's been a weird past week or so.

Monday was the 4th year anniversary of my mom's death which I am convinced is why I had a hiccup, and began playing the Caesars Slots FB game once more. The good news, if there is one, is that I'm not disappointed in myself. I now believe everything is about boredom. I've noticed that over the past few weeks, the normal things I've been doing to occupy my time in the morning hours have become mundane.  I still have three new puzzles to finish and of course multiple kindle books to still read, but for some reason, I just don't feel like it.

Recently, as well, a very dear co-worker passed away unexpectedly. I just cried. I saw her in early November when I was in the office so it was definitely a shock that I will no longer see her when she would pop down to my end of the floor for a visit. 

Lately too, I've begun feeling like so much is controlling me. This has got to be another trigger for me and the FB game. Work has left me suspicious as we seem to be moving away from our protocols and compliance requirements, which is allowing some leniency to the branch reps that submit their billing requests. With the addition of 3 guys to do the help line, they are required to take 80% of the calls, and also because of the new tracking system for customer service calls beginning in the new year, has left me feeling like my great experience and service over the past almost 10 years will no longer needed or required. This leaves me wondering if the new year will find me in a layoff situation. Granted, at 59 and a half, almost 60, come April, it would not be a horrible thing, but finding a new job and starting all over does not appeal to me and I do not think my already sensitive nature to stress and anxiety will help to finish the goals I've made to stay on track to finish up my mortgage and car payment. The possibility of being laid off before my 67 birthday will crush me. Anyway, I did speak with my therapist about all of this, which helped a lot and she seems to think I'll be alright as I seem to be very aware of what's happening and have not done anything crazy so to speak, although, playing the game was not a good idea. I will need to suspend and try again to remain gamble free.

In the meantime, the editing for the 2nd book is going well. I love this editor I'm working with, but again costs are difficult. As such, I need to do the editing in a few stages, only sending so much to be edited at a time to lower costs. The other writing project I'm working on is again on hold as I suspected, working with a partner does prove challenging when there are time constraints. She just doesn't seem to have the time to put aside right now to work on this. I know she wants to do this and who knows, she could be doing things here and there, but we have not had the time to get together to share what she has done so far. I do keep writing the story based on what I do know, but at this point, I've kind of reached a dead end as without her input it's hard to move the story along.

So, for now, I'm in a holding pattern.

Living with Addiction - Day 164

Hello fans of my site:

I've had a good couple of weeks since Thanksgiving, although I must confess, I fell off the proverbial wagon the weekend of the turkey holiday. I had forgotten the FB Caesars Slots APP was on my kindle and I clicked into the game. Of course, there were tons of new bonus points added to my totals and messages from my VIP progam rep. At first I was disappointed in myself, and I realized, that it was shear bordedom that tricked me into playing the game once more. The Thanksgiving weekend was 4 glorious days of no stress, no family drama, no relationship drama or work stuff, but, being idle was also a disadvantage. I am happy to report though, I was only in the game for maybe a half hour and then I logged out of it. The game did not give me any joy at all so perhaps, I needed to check to see if I was truly over it. My therapist was not surprised I had a hiccup, but also said, that the habitual behavior may never go away permanently, but she was thrilled, I had discovered the main reason for getting caught up into it in the first place - BOREDOM!

Truth be told, due to the addition of new challenges I'm doing in the morning from when I get up to logging on line for work, all have proven beneficial in my recovery. But here's the kicker...doing 1000 piece physical puzzles, or computer ones, reading, writing and the trivia game I just love, sometimes, it is not enough. There is a certain lack of physical stimulus and probably a little social hinderances that I am starting to become aware of. Last weekend, I did go out to a Xmas party which I'm invited to every year. It is one of those fabulous things when you have a wide circle of friends who have other friends. I do enjoy these get togethers as we have been doing them since our softball efforts were squashed. We simply got too old, LOL! So, these monthly grub munches as we call them, have kept us in touch with one another, which has been good for me, but also difficult, as I am not a huge social person. I have much anxiety in large groups and especially if we are gathered in a small place where I feel I just cannot breath.

Last weekend's Xmas party was fun, the food was good, company always great, but the space I felt did not accommodate the 18 people that showed up for the event. I did realize one thing, when I have a bit of anxiety, I dress up in something, usually leather related. For some reason, when I wear leather it gives me a kind of armour. It's hard to explain. I felt dashingly rogish. This time around, I had on my comfy stretch black pants, black shoes, a long shirt and I wore a leather tie and of course, to finish my ensemble, a leather vest.  I looked fierce.  People took notice, which is always a good thing. I felt powerful and ready to take on any challenges that would arise from the cramped restaurant. So, perhaps I'm finding out more and more about myself, triggers, etc., and things to do to mitigate those uncomfortable situations.

Anyway, that's it for now.   

Living with Addiction - Day 152

Good Morning and a very Happy Thanksgiving!

I have some catching up to do...

For starters, I have decided I would have Type Right Editing handle the line editing for my 2nd book in the Order of the Wolf Species Chronicles Series. They did some editing for me on my memoir which was very good. I was grateful the people involved in this company are not judgmental or have issues with LGBTQ story lines or alternative lifestyles. Also, their prices are fair. I've learned so much from the first time I worked with them. I love that they offer 4 different types of editing, developmental, proofreading, line and copy. Each of these they provide details on what is involved with each stage. I had contemplated going back to Rowan, however, with her being in the UK, I prefer to stay locally. Type Right also does typesetting which means they handle the pdf conversion from word layouts for publications like Amazon. This would be beneficial. I have worked with the kindle create software, but maintaing certain design parameters is problematic as the program does not pre-fill once you select the font and style etc., you like.

In the meantime, Dorrance has completed the interior layout page proofs for the first book in the Order of the Wolf series and it looked great, but I had to send it back twice because the first time through they still did not amend the changes I wanted. With the money it is costing me to go through them, I'm second guessing it was a good decision. I'm hoping once they get to the promotional and marketing stage of the process, the money I've put into this will pay off. The jury is out on that for now.

The new story I am working on with my dear friend, is moving along, albeit slowly. With her schedule, the creative process can stall from time-to-time. I am not sure how to do this collaboration stuff, because I have time to write but it's hard to move the story along when I need parts that she has to contribute to. I know it will get done, and I believe our connection will prove beneficial when it is all done. She is a fantastic creative force, with fabulous ideas and her psychological slant on character backgrounds etc., but organizing this into a story format is challenging for her, but not for me. Together, we do compliment each other greatly.

Anyway, the Caesars Slots FB folks sent me an email about losing my VIP status, so I guess this is their last ditch effort to get me to play again, even offering me, multiple bonus points, and tokens. This is certainly a trap and I have no regrets with ending my partnership with them. The whole experience has left me raw and disappointed in myself at the money I wasted which is why I have to move so slowly with working with Dorrance since I can't pay them the full amount for their services. As such, the first book is very much delayed for re-release, probably not till next year or sometime after that. Just last week, I had this sort of meltdown with all the negativity and loss of money that came from my habitual behavior. I was so depressed, I had to call my therapist. Thankfully, some good things in my life came after that. I got to spend some time with my dear friends in Evanston and I had my hair cut and colored which always makes me feel good.

My therapist reminded me of all that I have accomplished which I need to tell myself to do rather than dwelling on the downside of life's epic failures, especially the ones that I could have avoided. There are some things that can be controlled by your actions, but other stuff, well...there isn't anything to do but ride that wave until the next one comes. I'm starting to re-learn this stuff once more. She also said, at this time of the year, many people are sad or depressed as the weather changes and holidays approach. She does not see that I have any kind of psychological disability, in fact, she thinks because I am a highly sensitive individual, that I feel things much deeper than others might rather positive or negative.

My other good friend is on suicide watch and is partaking in a kind of group session with other people like her. She has to attend, I believe 5 days a week from 8 - 2pm. She told me the other day she was just about to pack up her belongings and put them out at the curb for the trash collector to pick up. Well, her roommate saw this and contacted the therapist. Now, they are trying another option. After the ECT she went through back in July, they do not want to put her through that again. Electro Convulsive Therapy is supposed to jump start the snapses in your brain. This treatment is used as a last resort when normal medication for manic depressive or bi polar, suicide issues, etc., fail. She tells me she does not want to check out, but at times does not feel a sense of purpose to her life. I hope the Goddess protects her and whatever other Gods are out there in the universe.

That's all for now -