Without the Spark there can be No Fire

February 2013

The past week has been tough, as I finally felt comfortable in talking to my partner about the relationship and how it's been awkward for me since Christmas. I had tried to find ways to get back to being excited around her and looking forward to being together.  I thought by taking time away or wanting to do my own thing as I'm fiercely independent, I would be okay. I've never been the type of person who believes in the proverbial 'being attached at the hips syndrome', but no matter how I tried, I wasn't feeling the same level of love that she had for me and forcing the words "I love you" or I miss you", I simply could not fake any longer. I am the type of person that if I don't feel it, I just don't say it. After much introspection, I realized that I seemed more adamant in rescuing her from the past relationship she was in, the negative experiences she endured in her leather interests and the stories she would tell me just broke my heart because she is a sweet girl. But somewhere along the line I started to feel less of a lover and more of a deep friend. Although I don't regret my involvement, and at first, it seemed so awesome to have someone be attracted to me in a Daddy kind of way. The last time I was in something like that, I wasn't the right Daddy, and the ending of that relationship broke my heart more than any person ever did, even though I knew, deep down, we couldn't continue on. With this new lady I believed wholeheartedly that my Daddy side would combine with my romantic notions and I would be content with both sides united and in balance. They say you got to have a spark in order to get to the fire and let's not forget, "after the new relationship energy wears off" that's when you really have to take a look at what you have or don't have.  

Sometimes things don't work out and it's not always about what went wrong, but what isn't right. When I think of the word girlfriend and primary relationship, I believe in a romantic love, filled with wonder and awe, intimacy, sexuality, companionship and so on. But after our 'new relationship energy' wore off, for some reason, I was no longer enjoying our sexuality or our time together. It wasn't like she was preventing me from still pursuing other leather interests but she made it clear that anyone else involved with me could not be a primary nor did she want to share the Daddy/girl dynamic with another person. I agreed to this initially, and I know it hurt her terribly that I could not sustain that person any more. This presented a challenge as I started to resent her, although she should have what she most desires, even if that means, I'm not the one. So I found myself wanting to keep our Daddy/girl dynamic as that seemed to be what she was accustomed to and removing the pressure of the girlfriend/primary part which was no longer working for me. I opened up the conversation about this to her, and needless to say, it went terribly wrong. In addition, finding out from her that she had been in touch with her ex didn't help the trust issues I had been struggling with since running into her ex right before the holidays. At this point and after the remark I got from her the other day when I asked her why she had a need to be around the ex again, her comment was 'well, we're just friends.' Hmm, just friends. It's as if she hasn't thought about anything we discussed, or she's ignoring the problem that keeps coming up. Why the deception? Telling me things after the fact instead of discussing things before her actions. I asked her to take a week or so to really think about stuff and what she wants, yet I think we've hit a brick wall, and I believe she has already made her decision and needs me to set her free. Whatever her decision, I had to make mine. It's better to be as honest as you can be when things seem a miss. Once trust is gone, it's impossible to get it back.  

Let's Rethink This Whole Buying Thing...

Well there it was; a sealed envelope leaning up against the door to my apartment with the complex's logo staring right up at me. It was the lease renewal for my unit. Has it been a year already? Well not entirely, but the management likes to start the ball rolling at least two months before the expiration of your current lease just as they did last year when I decided to stay. Of course at that time, my rent did not increase. Reluctantly I opened up the contents of the envelope and sure enough, rent for the new lease increased 5%, bringing the monthly payment higher than I have ever paid in the past. I wasn't too surprised by the increase but I had hoped to linger at the original amount longer so that I can save money, not barely get by. I lived in the city before and my rent was higher which was why I moved out to the burbs.  I love my place, much better than what I had, and even though I can afford the increase, it's still a disappointment.

The increase in the apt got me thinking about buying instead of renting.  In today's market, I can have my mortgage and my taxes probably at the same rate as my rent is. So I checked to see if I could qualify for a mortgage.  Much to my surprise with the market the way it is in addition to a my fabulous credit rating I did qualify. Excited by this revelation I got in touch with my good friend Duchess who put me in contact with her realtor. My other friend Izzy put me in touch with a broker. Izzy felt that I would qualify for FHA. I spoke with Izzy's broker and found out that I would qualify. With is little as 3% down, the lender mentioned she could roll the closing costs into the mortgage, so at closing, I wouldn't have to come with anything additional other than the application fee, attorney's fees for reviewing contract, etc. beforehand  So at this point I'm feeling kinda confident that I can take all this on. 

Within days, the realtor found a sweet place in Arlington Hts. Brand new appliances, including a washer/dryer in the unit, two-bedrooms, one bathroom condo on the 2nd floor, plenty of parking and heat included in my assessment fees, although high, taxes were surprisingly low for that area. Terrific deal etc., but then realtor confirmed that an offer had already been made and they were 'in negotiations'. She also said that this unit was not FHA approved and doubts if I would be able to make an offer without considering an alternative plan.  I'd have to go with a conventional loan and 5% down, plus closing costs, etc. Ouch! Although I do have the means to do the 5% down, it wouldn't leave me enough 'emergency' money.  And honestly, I'm unsure where I'd come with the $455 application fee, plus all the other fees.  It's crazy and I'm thinking, way too much to handle right now.  I need as much time as possible to save more money, etc., perhaps give myself a year or two and go from there.  I have to think about this realistically.  All because one can afford to buy a place does not necessarily mean you can afford to live there.  It is a daunting task to go through the entire process of buying something, especially when deep down, you don't feel as ready as you initially thought and that slight increase in your rent doesn't seem so bad afterall.

ACTS OF BETRAYAL

Wikipedia defines betrayal as the breaking of or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict within a relationship. So what about after a breakup; can betrayal still happen? It’s been my experience that yes one can still feel ‘betrayed’ after the parties split because some type of betrayal has already occurred forcing the break up and lingers on after its ending. I think this is where that famous statement about actions speaking louder than words comes into play.

I’ve always been of the opinion that acts of betrayal are tied to someone’s inability or reluctance to take responsibility for how they feel, especially when they are unhappy or insecure. What happens is that instead of confronting the situation head on, their actions betray any words said, adversely affecting the other person. And too often that person finds out after the fact or worse yet, from someone else. By then, it’s usually too late to save the relationship because the party who felt hurt by the other’s behavior will shut down emotionally to protect their heart from further betrayal and meaningless words.

Betrayers tend to lack the intellectual discipline and emotional self-esteem necessary to live healthy lives. They are deeply motivated by a fear of being left behind and prone to accept what is given regardless of the consequences or potential cruelty that might surface. They will haphazardly setup a back up plan even if it leads to dangerous liaisons with others once their own truth comes to light. I call this self-preservation because to them, it’s more painful to be alone then to admit what went wrong in the first place.

By hiding their personal truths, self-doubt becomes so overwhelming and decision-making so blurred that they have no other choice then to ‘act’ out, justifying their actions as a means to an end. The down side to this is that they never allow the healing process to repair the emotional damage and loss. Eventually their fear provokes someone else to make the decision regarding the failed relationship. This further distances themselves from any responsibility of being ‘the bad guy’ as if that gives them immunity from personal accountability. What’s even more devastating is that their actions will reveal more about their feelings towards the one betrayed rather than their own cries for help.

Revelations

Every now and then I have these ‘wow’ moments or times of extreme clarity on matters that were initially distressing or scattered beyond understanding in my mind.  I tend to over analyze everything and in-between my pure genius and insanity, it’s easy to get caught up in the chaos that is my life.  A good friend who I’ve known for years had mentioned that at times I seem to run hot and cold and often exhibit some manic / depressive traits possibly brought on from unresolved conflicts or struggles I continue to deal with today. She even suggested I consider a good therapist when my financial short-comings presently, improve. Although difficult to admit, I tend to agree with her as I’ve recently become increasingly aware of what I term emotional highs and lows that have led to some inconsistencies with my personal life, especially my intimate relationships.  

Early on in my life I felt abandoned by my family when I admitted to them that I was gay. The coming out process was difficult enough for me, but for them, it was overwhelming, overly concerned about what other people thought and how my decision affected them rather than trying to support and help me cope with the sudden changes that were happening. These days, things seem to have worked themselves out, but I continue to harbor resentment towards them at times as it still hurts emotionally. And with the recent disappointments from friends who I thought I could trust and lovers through the years that either betrayed my confidence or didn’t consider the consequences of their actions, have left me in a quandary, letting things fester and mutate rather than communicating to those I love and care for of my concerns.

No one likes to be used or taken advantage of financially or emotionally, but it is often problematic if you allow the negativity from past situations impact new ones. One has to try and look at people as individuals not as a whole, but I believe you are prone to make the same mistakes over and over again if you do not recognize what I call red flags, in other words, trusting your gut to know when you are being duped to protect your heart. Unfortunately this has led to almost impenetrable difficulty with finding a better way to recognize what’s happening within me to determine if it’s just simple fears I’m sensing or hard facts and cold proof clearly evident, not imposed or fabricated.

Although beneficial, therapy is costly. One positive technique that has helped me resolve conflicts is writing. Writing for me is a kind of catharsis, but lately, finding the energy and the time is non-existent. Working long hours, commuting downtown plus the financial woes has certainly prevented me from doing what I love, so, I'm taking a much needed day off to get away. My La Quinta rewards program has afforded me the luxury of a free night's stay so I plan on taking advantage. In addition to trying to write more frequently, I intend to give my brain a break. I'm often plagued with racing thoughts so I'm learning to be a bit more self-aware and patient when those crazy ideas come into my head. And instead of trying to solve everything myself, I will put a little faith in communicating my worries to a trusted friend or dear lover who can help sort through the chaos that is my life. And with a little luck and positive feedback, I will hopefully be better equiped to handle the emotional highs and lows and to rest an often troubled soul.  

Peace. 

Butch Energy

I recently enjoyed the NFL Playoffs with some great people and smoked a good cigar with my best friend Angie one weekend.  Interestingly, I didn’t realize how much those times meant to me given my current situation with my girlfriend who is less than excited when it comes to what she terms as butch or boy activities. At the time she came into my life I wasn’t ready for a girlfriend as I was just getting on my feet and starting to feel like myself after my past relationship ended, still adjusting to the limited time with my butch friends who are still involved with my ex.  Sometimes it seems like I’ve loss them in addition to losing her, but the loss of them hurts more.  Although we all have remained friends, time is very limited when it comes to sharing my life or activities with them and I really miss those opportunities.

My new girlfriend is very special and I have no regrets thus far in giving us an opportunity even if I wasn’t quite ready to delve into another serious relationship. I’m thankful that she is also a part of the leather- lifestyle and understands about poly-relationships and the importance they are when it comes to someone like me who is a switch, able to adapt to dominant and submissive role playing depending on the circumstances or what I require at any given time. I am her Daddy which is certainly a heavy responsibility even though she is very easy to love and allow into my heart. But I spend most of my weekends in that Daddy head space and don’t have an outlet for my boyish nature to shine.  Winter is a tough time of the year for folks like me who tend to hibernate and opportunities to hang out with other butches is not always an option. Bad weather keeps folks in and when you have financial limitations, this can also hinder fun and social participation.

It’s hard to explain why the lack of butch energy in my life has affected my emotional stability, sometimes resulting in harboring resentment towards my girlfriend having to put exerted effort into keeping her safe and secure. At the same time, I’m burning the candle at both ends with work responsibilities, her emotionally needy nature and the recent financial disappointments I’ve endured with no rest for the weary, or allowing myself the little pleasures that come from the playful side of me which has seemed non-existent over the past 6 months since she came into my life. She is fabulous when it comes to understanding this need of mine and I’ve been impressed with how she has handled my other activities that may not always include her. The hard part for me is balancing the duality sometimes questioning if being in a relationship of this nature is viable for someone like me who is constantly in flux, never complacent or one-sided.

A very good friend told me that, “I can only be me and continue to do the things that keep me balanced, and try not to feel guilty for those needs, worrying or stressing over how you think it is unfair to your girlfriend.  She loves you for you, and if being you is a problem for her, she would move on to someone else better suited.  The worst thing you could do is to put your needs on hold, or be someone other than yourself.  You’ve done that in the past and now you have an opportunity to learn from those mistakes.”  I was floored and relieved that she found the time to talk with me. And just recently, she followed up regarding our previous conversation and for once I felt like I was still a part her life, despite her  hectic work schedule, continued relationship with my ex and life’s time constraints. I miss her a lot and hope to hang out soon.

Peace