Roles and Role Playing

I think Shakespeare was correct when he penned, “All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players…” The popular verse was written about 1590s-1600s and still seems as accurate today as it was back then. I can certainly relate to this perspective as a leather gay woman who happens to be a switch, and being a part of a culture that likes to put people in a box or force individuals into neat little roles. Identifying as a switch can be a double edge sword, full of variety but with certain limitations, some might even say the only people who understand switches are other switches. But I have found that the BDSM culture is very supportive of a little thing called Poly-amorous, a term that coincides with loving, wanting, desiring and needing different things from different people in order to feel complete, in balance, or totally satisfied.

Sometimes my being a switch is more like having a split personality depending on my mood or who I’m with and in what capacity. Although I can adapt easily in any situation, most often that quick reaction proves hazardous to someone that is clearly defined as Top/bottom, and/or Dominant/submissive, all the time etc. But perhaps that has just been my experiences so far and maybe it’s different depending on the individuals involved and if your time together is private or public. I am big on protocols but when it is necessary and in the appropriate context. I don't see myself as a 24/7 Top or bottom, boy or Sir (Daddy), which can prove disappointing to someone who needs that all the time, its flexibility, not rigidity or limitation that drives me. I can't ignore one without the other so I find it limiting to have to pick a side. It's only recently that I've discovered my boy who is proving to be more and more like my core self with only a few differences. It's also been interesting to me that even though I am a switch, the traits, behaviors, and characteristics that might be specific to each part in the end are all a part of me.

Sometimes I feel that you can't have a leather and a girlfriend dynamic/relationship in the same person because to me, they seem incompatible as in my experiences when it comes to power exchange, you kinda feel like you have to choose which part to play in order to be complimentary to the counter part of the scene so to speak. To me, this is wonderful because it allows you to enjoy each unique experience in a specific time frame, not forced into the role all the time. When I think of having a girlfriend though, she would accept all the parts of me, without any limitations. A recent friend told me that my core self was truly boy and even though I have a top side, it's only when I play the part in a leather scene where the roles are clearly defined and acted out that I am not boy. I argued that taking charge is something I have to do everyday. I pay the bills, I have to be on top of stuff at work, I take care of myself, am fiercely independent and prefer to live alone. I'm aggressive and I go for what I want and don't ask permission, especially when it comes to expressing myself to someone in a romantic way.

But is there truly a difference between being a top or being a bottom vs having a girlfriend? Both situations will provide the balance within yourself, can it be manipulated depending on the situation? Yes. For example, if you are my girlfriend, you would want me to show you affection, but if you are a Top, or Dominant person, the gesture may need to be expressed in another way through asking permission or waiting for you to lead or tell me what you want or need. Much in the same way, if you are my submissive, if I'm playing the part of your Sir (Daddy), top, etc., if I need something specific from you, you need me to express that, in other words, you would more than likely not make the first move. I totally love playing this type of game but wouldn't want it to be a part of my everyday life nor if you are my girlfriend. Not sure I'm making sense, but I'm still figuring things out, I guess.

My friend was right, I can be submissive, definitely service oriented, and my main goal is to please, not to disappoint. My boy side waits for direction, he’s actually a little shy, vulnerable, nervous, uncertain, and rarely takes the lead unless told to do so. Of course, these things do work particularly well if I am in the presence of a dominant person, but may not translate to someone who needs a more aggressive or confident person to take the lead. I adore my boy, as he certainly loves being nurtured, the center of attention, always learning and full of wonder, with boundless energy, playfulness, even a little innocence maybe, and super attentive. But am I like him always, quite a lot but not totally. Staying in that headspace primarily in my experiences has felt like walking on eggshells, afraid to take a risk, and speak my mind if I feel strongly against something for fear of being dismissed, abandoned, or worse, released from a collar. I know that I am not always happy having to ask for permission when I want something, so sometimes my boy and Sir (Daddy) side are in conflict and I forget. No one enjoys punishment or being reprimanded for that boldness, even if it wasn’t your intention. I think being poly does help with all these things most of the time. But will I ever be able to have it both ways and preferably in one or two people, not multitudes?

Time will only tell.

Peace