Excerpt - Covenant - Enna

“Toni, you still believe Elena is alive?”

“She is! I have seen her, but she is unable to shift into her human form. I have been in communication with her, and last night we were able to share our thoughts and those of the pack. She is their alpha.”

“Have you stopped taking your medication?”

“I never started. There is nothing wrong with me!”

“Toni, I just want to help, but you are not a shape-shifter.”

“You were there in the cave when I came out of my wolf form. You saw it then, as you saw it before in February. You cannot tell me that you are so hung up on your science and tangible proof that you will not allow yourself a belief in the supernatural.”

“I believe in many things, Toni. It is why I wanted us to meet again, and it has nothing to do with my relationship with Regan. Neither one of us would ever hurt you. Besides she is in love with you.”

“No, she is in love with what I am!”

“And what exactly is that?”

My anger soon boiled over, and I lost control. I shifted to my wolf form, jumped on Enna’s desk, knocking things everywhere, and stared her down. I growled. She accidentally fell backward from her chair and hit the floor with a crash. Good thing her floor was carpeted. She lay there for a second before reaching for the letter opener thrown from the desk along with her papers, readers, notepad, and pen. She stabbed me in the shoulder blade, but I hardly felt it through my thick fur. It only distracted me temporarily. I grabbed the letter opener with my mouth and spit it out, and it harmlessly fell to the floor. She quickly ran into the breakroom, slamming the door behind her, screaming “Holy Shit! What the Fuck!”

I suppose I could have stopped her. After a while, I heard her voice.  It was quiet, meek. “Toni?” She was sobbing. I could sense her trembling with fear. I shifted back again.

“Do you believe me now, Dr. Weber?” I said in my most whimsical tone. “I told you so.” There was no response, right away. I paused. 

 “Hey, while you are in there, could you bring me something to wear? Ah, and I might need a Band-Aid.”

She opened the door slightly and handed me what looked like a lab coat, then closed the door, almost crushing the damn thing before I could grab it.

“Doc, open the door. I promise I will not hurt you,” I said, musing about Little Red Riding Hood.

The door slowly opened as she hesitantly peeked at my now human form dressed in the lab coat and came out of the breakroom. I observed her movements as she slowly backed up toward her fallen chair while she kept a watchful eye on me. I was trying not to chuckle at the thought of her logical mind trying to process what happened. I know that may sound somewhat childish of me, but damn it, enough is enough! I honestly did not think I would shift, or could, but I was just plain, damn tired of all the secrecy. My ability to transition must be getting stronger, I thought.

Once she collected herself and straightened up her desk, Enna put the chair right side up and sat down, while keeping an eye on me. I was trying to squash my exuberance as I took a seat across from her with the desk conveniently in between us. She opened her desk drawer, and her hand nervously shook as she pulled out a bandage and handed it to me. I waited for her to speak because I refused to explain why I did what I did, but frankly, it was about time she pulled her head full of scientific theories and bullshit out of her ass.

“You need a minute?” I asked. “I can go outside for a while.”

“No, no, well, yes, maybe, kind of, sort of.”

“Why, Dr. Weber, a loss for words?” I challenged.

“Okay, first off,” she scolded. “You cannot just spring this shit on someone!” Then she leaned across her desk and touched my shoulder.

“Did I, ah, hurt you?”

“No, the cut has probably healed. I honestly did not plan on this, but I am glad it happened. You needed to see.”

“A little warning next time, please?”

“Sorry. I am surprised at how well you are taking this.”

“Believe me, it is not as easy as you perceive. In seconds, I had to reevaluate everything I learned about biology, genetics, science, and nature while you were acting like a smartass.”

“Sorry, Doc.”

“Whew,” she took a deep breath and then spoke. “Okay, my eyesight must be fucked. I know what I saw, even without my readers, whether my mind wants to acknowledge it or not.”

“Okay, good start, Doc.”

“So, you are a shape-shifter?”

I briefly opened the lab coat and showed her where she stuck me and the gash that was now just a blemish. “Now you’ve got it,” I said.

“I’m not sure I got it . . . . How is this even possible?”

“Evolution,” I answered. “I am a descendant of Aradia."

"Excuse Me?"

"Yes Enna. I know it's hard to believe. In Italian mythology, she went by many names, the Great Goddess, the Moon Goddess, and even, "Queen of the Witches" but she was also known as Lilith in other circles.”

Excerpt - Covenant - Origins

“Aunty? What ever happened to Maria? What is L’ordine Del Lupo?”

“Ah, your Italian has improved since I last saw you. You were barely 21. We will talk about Maria another time, my curious one. Please take comfort that Maria lived a long life, and remained in her wolf guise, even in her death. I will take you to our sacred grounds when the time comes as she is buried with others of our kind.”

“There were more of us?”

“Oh yes. Your great, great grandmother, Antionette whom you were named after, and my mother Lucia whom I lost when I was so very young and others before them. My mom’s early death limited my education with all of this, which is why the journal seemed so incomplete. But I will tell you what I do know of witchcraft and L’ordine Del Lupo.”

And so she began...

“The Origini or origins of the ‘blessed’ mythology tells of a spirit referred to as Lilith whose energy existed in the atmosphere and sprung from an unknown mighty force. In certain circles, the people believed that this force was nature, a Goddess who existed alongside the Christian God, but in secret. The story goes that God transformed Lilith into a human to serve Adam. This was a punishment against the Goddess, who had spurned God’s deceitful and immoral advances. The Goddess, however, did not want Lilith to endure what she had. The Goddess gave Lilith special gifts, like the ability to see into the future, to create remedies for healing and prosperity, and the inner strength to be self-sufficient. She also imbued her with the knowledge of the universe and a belief that her personal choices were to be valued, respected, and not ignored. She never wanted Lilith to feel powerless or made to serve Adam or anyone. Lilith was the first feminist and you already know in centuries to follow, some called the followers of Lilith witches.

Adam though, had come to fear Lilith’s abilities and asked God to bring him someone that he would not fear. As such, Eve sprung from Adam’s rib so the bible tells. After granting Adam’s request, God still cursed Lilith by turning her into a creature of the night, a wolf. God told Adam to follow in the light, always, as reparation for the gift of Eve, which he had bestowed upon him. If Adam did that, God would protect him when night fell.

Although the Goddess’s powers were limited, she was able to transform Lilith into her human form during the day, but Lilith reverted to her wolf form at night. Lilith continued using her talents to help others as she traveled to faraway lands when she was human. Eventually, her wolf form waned and only appeared during the full moon cycles. As time progressed, the word of Lilith began to spread and her teachings and healing abilities were well known everywhere.  

After the death of Eve’s son, Abel, by Cain’s hand, God made Cain immortal so that he would walk the earth for an eternity to live with the guilt of his crime. However, Lilith took pity on Cain, and to atone for his sins, he helped Lilith recruit other followers to her teachings. Lilith believed as the Goddess believed that there could only be harmony and equality if humans co-existed with nature for the benefit of all people, not just a select few.

Lilith and Cain’s descendants created supernatural beings, some manifested as good, others, as evil. You know them today as fairies, elves, demons, sprites, vampires, druids, and witches. The Druids were great teachers and prophets that possessed knowledge, beyond the physical realm, but unlike those beings who could exist alongside humans, they often hid in the shadows and formed other secretive sects. Vampires and witches could take human or animal form so they were able to live in the mortal world.

For witches, though, Lilith’s lineage was weak. Some of her kin retained their wolf form as day turned into night while others stayed human, and few could be both. Those who no longer possessed their wolf form when the full moon was high, formed an organization called The Order of the Wolf, in Italian it means ‘L’ordine Del Lupo’ to help protect those who could shift, ‘the blessed,’ from others who would do them harm. The offspring of Cain, however, needed human blood to survive, and could only exist in the dark. This is why vampires cannot survive during the day, as they would perish due to the sun's light.

As the wheel of time turned and after Lilith’s mortal death, Cain chose to bury himself deep into the ground because he could no longer live knowing he could not control his need to kill others to survive. Without Lilith to guide him, his guilt and shame sent him into a dark depression and finally a kind of quiet death, never to rise again. The Order of the Wolf continued to prosper for centuries thereafter, through wars, religious upheavals, and famine with one goal, to keep Lilith and Cain’s histories alive and to use the powers of nature and the universal energy of the cosmos to bring about health and prosperity to those who needed it and would never take it for granted.”

“So, I’m a descendent of Lilith?”

“Yes. You my little one, can be human or wolf any time day or night, and you are a powerful witch.”

“So, other supernatural creatures have co-existed with humans throughout the centuries?”

“Yes, but you may not have seen them. They are at risk if found out and some cannot pass for humans, but you will feel them when the winds blow, storms rage, the grounds shake, the tides shift or the leaves fall. Their energy is all around you; some say Lilith’s unyielding, eternal power and goodwill still exist within all of them, even beyond her mortal death. Nevertheless, my little one you must beware of organizations that sprung up alongside The Order of the Wolf, as they had other goals. Some, to extinguish or control those who are different, and others, like The Covenant, kept watch over the supernatural population and would interfere, should a species become harmful to humans. It was believed that the members of The Covenant could see that which is unseen, but it is unknown as to how they received their second sight, as we called it. Many other organizations pretended to carry the banner of protection for all humans, but it was seldom equal.”

“So, are any of these organizations still around, today?”

“Sadly, I do not know. Since the Salem Witch Trials and the destruction of the wolf population, including many of those who were ‘blessed,’ few members of the Order of the Wolf remained. As far as the Covenant, it was assumed they split off into other factions, so there isn’t much information I have for you with their history.”

“I can’t be the only wolf-human shapeshifter alive?”

“I do not know how many of us are left and you might be the last of our kind. I was however, told of a prophecy when I was a little girl by my grandma Antionette that one day a child would be born out of wedlock on a Spring Equinox and that she would be the key to a new evolution for the ‘blessed’ and that her lineage would be powerful enough to continue our kind. I believe your birth was prophesized.”

“Me?”

“Yes, my little one.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because I am your father’s biological mother, not your grandma Sophia. My DNA was passed down to you through him because I had an affair with Sophia’s husband. Because of this, I was ex-communicated. Sophia raised your dad as if he was her own because the family believed that a child should not suffer for the sins of the parents. However, because Sophia did not have any female children and I was the eldest sister and unwed when I gave birth to your father; that is how you became one of the ‘Blessed,’ and why I believe the prophecy has come true.”

 “I’m sure that’s purely coincidental.”

“You still do not believe? My love, you are an evolutionary miracle and command great powers like the witches of old. Remember that day by the river basin? I came because I felt your energy when you cast your spell.”

“So, it was you, in your wolf guise.”

“Yes. But you already knew that deep down inside.”

“True, and now, I’m starting to believe…everything.”

“Good. You must remain vigilant, be careful, and embrace all that is you, as it will serve you going forward. It is why you were given the gift with my bite earlier than your 35^th birthday, that day.”

“So, you planned that?”

“Yes, as I said before, I grow weary of this life. I wanted your transition to happen sooner so that we would have enough time together for me to teach you all I know.”

“And the letter?”

“I wanted to get that to you sooner but couldn’t, so I hid it in the journal.”

“But what if I didn’t find the journal?”

“I had faith you would, Prophecies are seldom wrong.”

“True.”

Sneak Preview - OTW Species Chronicles - Book 2 Covenant

March 2014

It seems like only yesterday when I took ownership of my Aunt Elena’s cottage, 25 miles or so, outside the town of River Haven, near Green Bay, WI. I remember how stunned I was when the estate lawyer told me this past July that my aunt and her lover, Maria Del Marco, had been missing for seven years and were considered, legally dead. It had been over 13 years since I last visited the cottage. It was also the last time I saw my Aunt Elena, no wonder it felt odd being there again when August came.

Things got more mysterious when two agents, Gina Torres, and John Charles, visited me the night I arrived. They told me that they worked for the MRDC (Medical Research and Development Command) and had an appointment with Maria about a serum; she called an elixir designed to help soldiers with PTSD. It certainly got stranger when I stumbled upon the burnt remnants of Maria’s notebook in the cottage’s fireplace, which revealed nothing related to the serum the agents mentioned.

After I officially moved into the cottage in October, I was near a river basin when a saw a wolf. Before I could react, a tree branch broke off, hit me on my head, and knocked me out. I woke up days later and noticed a mysterious scar on my shoulder. As I collected some water to wipe the dried blood from my shoulder, I swore I saw a wolf’s image, yet, the wolf was not around. As time progressed, more mysterious things happened. My eyesight suddenly became 20-20, and I could hear the drop of a pin land on a carpeted floor. In addition, the years I spent as a vegan suddenly went out the door, replaced by my cravings for meat-based foods; and whenever the moon was full, I heard the wolves speak to me as if I were one of them.

By the time November came, I found a leather-bound journal that belonged to my aunt Elena that was locked in a safe embedded in the wall hidden behind a painting. I managed to unlock the safe by using my aunt’s birthday for the combination. The journal’s title was written in Italian, with raised gold lettering, L’ordine Del Lupo. In English, it loosely means The Order of the Wolf. A letter fell out when I opened the journal, whose pages were a mix of Italian and broken English. The letter was from my aunt Elena, addressed to me, about an evolution that would occur once I turned 35.

When I read the letter, I was somewhat relieved, but I still questioned my sanity, as the things my aunt indicated had already started to happen to me since moving into the cottage and my 35^th birthday was not until March 21 of 2014. Over time, more and more of the journal began to reveal its contents as I somehow started to understand the Italian script, which was puzzling, since I never took any type of foreign-language course.

After reviewing some genetic facts in the journal that were written in English, I was certain that Elena had bitten me while in her wolf guise when I was at the river basin, causing these changes to happen prematurely before my birthday. All hell continued to break loose as my body began to change and shift without my knowledge into what my aunt referred to in her letter as being one of the ‘blessed’ a kind of wolf-human hybrid, in other words, a shapeshifter. As the evidence continued to mount, it became impossible to ignore my behaviors as purely fantastical and I accepted my evolutionary fate that I was indeed one of the ‘blessed.’

For several full moons after that, as it got closer to my 35th birthday, I began to recall having shared experiences and memories with the wolves and being one, myself. Despite multiple therapy sessions with Dr. Enna Weber, I was convinced that everything was real, even if I did not feel a physical transition, but there were enhanced, noticeable differences in all my five senses. There were also times when I would blackout and then wake up naked in different places, miles from the cottage, usually 3 days after a full moon without knowing how I got there or where my clothes were. 

Everything since then has continued to spiral out of control as 2013 rolled into 2014. My girlfriend Regan’s obsession with wanting to be like me had put her in reckless situations, like after the February full moon when she stayed at the cottage knowing there was a risk, I could harm her. At that time, I could not control my shift, so I begged her to stay at her place in town, but she ignored my wishes. The morning after, we were lying on the bathroom floor; blood sprayed everywhere, on the walls, the tile, and the vanity mirror.

Soon after that incident, she began to push aggressively to ingest the elixir, the serum we were certain the agents referred to, which I found in a small vial in the den of the cottage. It was a purplish liquid and smelled like the grape flavoring in a Kool-Aid packet. I knew deep down that Regan was not a shapeshifter like me because she did not carry the DNA marker necessary for her to shift, according to what I had previously read in Elena’s journal. I appeased her obsession to “be like me” so she drank the sweet-tasting elixir, believing she could become ‘blessed.’ Based on some additional medical notes I was able to translate from Elena’s journal, I was convinced that Maria and Elena were trapped in their wolf guise, unable to be human again, not that they were missing. The journal defined the inability to shift as permanence. I feared that I might also be stuck in my wolf form, so I drank the elixir too.

I have been so overwhelmed these days, racked with guilt for leaving Regan on the March full moon, only to return and attack her a few days later, once more, on the day of the spring equinox, which happened to be my 35^th birthday, but that was the plan. Ideally, we thought that if Regan drank the elixir and I bit her while in my wolf guise, she would be able to become a shapeshifter following the full moon in April.

That day, after the equinox, when I bit her was now a blur. I kept playing it repeatedly in my head. “You looked different,” Regan had said. I was different, I felt different, and I acted differently. I remember vividly the sun moving through the sky and how bright it was, almost blinding. I felt the surge of energy while I was in the cottage and more so when I growled at Regan. My predatory instincts were primal and out of control. I felt like a young pup playing with its food, tracking Regan, watching her movements, lunging for her, then biting her thigh. If we had not tumbled into the furniture together, I wonder if I would have killed her in the heat of the moment. As I mentioned before, this was not the first time I physically hurt her while in my wolf guise, yet, both times, I transitioned back to my human form as soon as the thought entered my head as if I was on autopilot.

By late into the evening, after the March 2014 equinox, I heard my aunt Elena’s call. I could not think clearly, as her voice found its way into my subconscious. I did not care where my legs took me that night; I knew I had to go. I was determined to find Elena; that mattered to me, not what had happened with Regan earlier. It was as if I was free from some kind of invisible cage. I followed my aunt’s howls as I continued heading east toward the river basin where it had all begun; when I saw the wolf image in the brook three days after I had been bitten, convinced that the scar on my shoulder was the remnants of the wolf’s bite. Finding my way back here was easy. I could smell the cool, crisp river guiding me as I sniffed the air. It was a balmy 65 degrees Fahrenheit and I felt the warm breeze of the wind brush against my fur. It was such a luxurious sensation, but the feeling was soon replaced, my hair prickling like electricity along my spine and throughout my entire being. This feeling was unlike anything I experienced before. I knew something was following me but I ignored it, thinking I was just being paranoid.

It was him… again. I could not see from what direction he was approaching, but his scent was all too familiar. Why was he following me? The last time I saw him, I growled for intruding, as I was finishing the scraps of food, another pack had left over. At that time, he did not bother to do anything and ran off quickly after hearing Elena’s howls. And here he was again, but Elena was not. I had to get away from him, fleeing further from the basin along the river’s flow. The air suddenly got cooler, the forest grew denser and darker, and he was gaining ground. I was lost, quickly being swallowed up by the foreboding wilderness and Elena’s calls were too far off in the distance.

It did not take long for my eyes to adjust to the blackness while I rested briefly, my ears like radar, scanning the area around me, to listen for his paws trudging through the underbrush and crushed leaves beneath the towering trees and foliage. The moon was visible through the clouds above, providing light as I ran along the ground. All I could hear were the little creatures scampering to safety. Such a strangeness I felt, as I knew they were hiding from me, the predator in their midst. The animals’ wanderings were of no concern to me, although I was hungry, he was my priority, not a quick, easy meal.

My anxiety subsided but only for a moment as he was staring at me within minutes, easily 8 feet away if not closer. He was motionless, waiting there, pausing. I had no idea what he wanted. His ears were folded down and his tail was somewhat tucked beneath his hind legs. I did not feel threatened or in danger. What was it about him that intrigued me so? We looked at each other and he growled a quiet sound, guttural, but low as if he was attempting to communicate with me. I was not sure how to respond, but somehow, I growled back, mine was more resonant. The seconds had passed and neither of us moved, but then, in the background, we heard what we thought were sharp claps in the sky, like thunder, and a brief drizzle started to rain down upon us as we looked above.

As the thunder lessened, it no longer sounded like the mighty heavens but instead, earthly. It dawned on me that what we were hearing was yes thunder, but also something else, more menacing… gunshots. The male wolf started to run toward the north and as he ran, he looked back at me almost as if he wanted me to follow. At least that is how it seemed to me or how my wolf brain interpreted his actions. He led us to a small hollowed-out cavern made of stone about 10 more miles into the wilderness from where we were initially. Inside, it was warm and dry and I could smell multiple scents that were almost overwhelming. I concentrated on the strongest one, his… and despite being in a foreign place, I felt calm.

For a while, we just stood there, not doing anything. He did not attempt a confrontation nor did I go after him. It was as if the situation made us allies rather than enemies, even if it was a temporary truce. I was exhausted but kept my eye on him though, as I went to the far corner, deeper into the cavern, to lay down. After watching what I did, he laid down nearest the opening. I waited for him to fall asleep and only when he did, I finally allowed myself to rest.

When I awoke the next morning, there were scraps of fresh food near where I slept but he was gone. I waited a little bit before I ate, then, I chowed down, still looking around for his return, but he never came back. I was not sure what to make of this whole ordeal or why he brought me the food to eat. His magnificent beauty and eyes, a deep brown with specks of blue and grey, unnerved me. His body was much larger than mine. He exuded confidence and his stride, not clumsy for his size, but quiet, yet, powerful, and non-threatening. I was fascinated and curiously drawn to him, wondering why I felt this way.

I hung around the cavern for a little while waiting to see if he would return. I was not sure how I would get back to the cottage or where to find Elena’s pack. I did have a sense of where I was, but hesitant as to which direction to go. Soon, I left the cavern and traveled a short distance when I saw our slightly faded paw prints in the muddy ground. I decided to follow the tracks back heading south. I followed the sun as it was rising, to guide me. It was odd navigating the terrain by the movements of the sun.  As I continued to move faster, I yelled my loudest howls into the air, thick with humidity with the hope of getting a response back from my Alpha.

Relieved, the silence in the air filled with Elena’s calls. It was hard to guess where she was or how far, but I knew enough to change direction immediately and headed west toward where her voice was coming from. It was remarkable how much ground I could cover while in my wolf guise. I had contemplated transitioning to my human self, but I felt it was more advantageous to remain a wolf. As I continued to run, I did not pay attention to the ground below but to the direction ahead. I was desperate to get to Elena and the rest of the pack. My enthusiastic romp was miscalculated, and my error soon proved deadly. I heard a snap that sounded like metal on metal and the next thing I knew, I was in a trap. I blacked out after that from the pain and could no longer hear Elena.

When I awoke, it was mid-to-late-afternoon. I could tell by the sun's position, as it was further along than before I blacked out. I could feel the jaws of the steel trap hold me in place, my front paw caught between the zigzagging teeth. Judging by the crimson coloring that saturated the ground underneath me, I had lost a lot of blood. I was no longer in any immense pain, so perhaps my healing abilities had started to mend my injuries. Still, I panicked, not sure what to do and my resonant howl suddenly was a whimper as I tried to shift, but could not, and Elena was nowhere to be found.

I was alive, thankfully, but all that kept going through my head was Regan’s warnings about me being caught in some hunter’s trap if I was not careful. I tried to laugh at my situation, shaking my head and closing my eyes in utter humility, contemplating the irony of it all. When I came back to my senses, it was pure fear I felt as I watched Agent Gina Torres approach me. She was dressed in hunter-green camouflage khakis and a matching jacket. A rifle was attached to a strap that dangled from her shoulder. I could only hope she was not looking for a trophy to hang over the mantle of her fireplace. Nevertheless, before I could finish that thought, she aimed and fired. I heard the loud pop from the rifle and felt something pierce my side. Everything went dark, again, soon after.

Labels are for Campbell's Soup Cans

When it comes to intimate, romantic relationships, I was programmed like everyone else to expect that one person should meet all our needs. Yet for me, it seemed unrealistic. Especially as I matured, monogamy seemed increasingly unrealistic. The added pressures, expectations and complex personalities in general, I would think, could lend itself to problematic, unresolved conflicts, miscommunications, jealousy, or worse, infidelity. I did find some success with monogamous relationships, but they never lasted, as I compromised too much of myself in order to meet my partner’s needs and mine were rarely met.

In my early 20’s, I was engaged to my high school sweetheart, but when I met his ex-girlfriend, I started to feel an overwhelming attraction to her. It was a complicated time in my life as I struggled with finding my own identity. Was I gay? bi? exploring?  Concepts like polyamorous relationships never crossed my mind. I was raised in a monogamous household and led to believe in my family’s idealistic view of spending the rest of my life with one person. Still, I always wondered, “Why do I have to choose?”

After my breakup with my fiancé and realizing I was indeed in love with his ex, I felt certain that I was a lesbian, until I met Tina and Randy in my late 30’s. Sure, the concept of polyamory did intrigue me but, I soon realized that I had a very ignorant view of what that was. I learned it’s not cheating, swinging, a one-night stand, serial monogamy, or polygamy. Poly-situations involve two or more people in a caring, nurturing, intimate, enjoyable and satisfying existence. It’s a non-possessive, honest and ethical approach to loving more than one person at the same time.

Tina and Randy had an open marriage and I was just coming out of a monogamous relationship with a woman who was transitioning to male. The word transgender was something new to me. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself in such a confusing scenario. What I endured in my relationship to Adina becoming Anthony made my past indiscretions seem like child’s play. After Anthony, I was done with labels. Every definition of who I was up to that point in my life made absolutely no sense. I wasn’t looking for a commitment or long-term arrangement with Tina given all I had been through. Perhaps that was why she fascinated me so much.

Tina and Randy were the first couple I ever met that I related to, given my own experiences wondering if I was gay, bi, or straight. I didn’t have a relationship guru to turn to and not a lot of references to research. My upbringing did not prepare me for the overwhelming emotional roller coaster ride I was on. And I hate amusement parks. It wasn’t until I became attracted to Randy that polyamorous made sense. Of course, I questioned my lesbian status, but after coming out of the transgendered relationship, my view of gender conformity, sexual expression or what was defined as gay, straight, etc., changed considerably. We shared a committed triad and I felt pretty good for a while, safe and stable. At that time, I was still adjusting to being back in my biological families’ good graces after going through 13 years without their support. I was abandoned by them because I chose a different path and if it wasn’t for my father dying…

With Randy and Tina, I felt a sense of security and was loved unconditionally. But I was still not convinced that poly was the right choice for me. Had I chosen them or was it a situational convenience that motivated me after my split from Anthony? I think I’d probably still be with them if Tina hadn’t become less and less present in my life. Randy and I both felt that she was struggling with her own view of herself and couldn’t admit she was bisexual, given her own strict orthodox Catholic upbringing. Denying her true self is what prevented the relationship from moving forward and eventually, brought it to an end. I am still close to both of them but we share a deep friendship now.

Trust has always been an issue for me, so true intimacy has never been achieved in either my poly-situations or when I was married to Karen, around 2 years after my split with Tina and Randy. I think, if anything, I remain open to the possibilities. Every situation is different and the people involved are complicated and complex, just as much as I am. If anything, I’ve become my own personal relationship guru. Writing has become my chosen platform of expression and my inner voice, a kind of dictionary to help me translate my ever-changing world. 

These days I find myself becoming more isolated and less obsessed with finding the right partner.  I am well-aware that I say partner now instead of the right woman. I am still a work in progress, grappling with my own fears of abandonment.  I am not certain I believe in monogamy no more than I’m convinced that polyamory is the right path, or if who I am can be defined. Nowadays, there are so many more labels to pick from sitting on life’s proverbial shelf, just like Campbell’s soup cans.

What I’ve learned is that in any relationship, communication is key. Everyone has to be on the same page.  It’s common sense.  If you are monogamous then why would you pursue someone who is poly and vice versa? Ah…. but here we go again with labels and rigidity.  To me, love, gender and sexuality should remain as fluid as the parties involved. And somewhere along the line, I have to believe that I can achieve the right balance and the right relationship, no matter if it is poly, monogamous, trans, bi, gay, queer, non-binary, etc., etc., etc.

Wherefore Art Thou Lesbian?

Thursday May 7, 2009 @ 1:53pm

Once upon a time many years ago when I was just a little squire, I began my journey into Leather Land. I was in my 30’s, playing softball, when I was approached by a fan, or rather a groupie, who had come out often, almost every Sunday at Waveland just to watch me play. One day she had commented that she never saw someone so greedily drop to her knees to snag a grounder, not even hesitating about the pain it may cause. She also said that I seemed so proud with the scrapes and bruises I would obtain from a well-played game. I know personally, that if I wasn’t dirty or at least bleeding, I didn’t feel I played at my best. Needless to say, I was a masochist and didn’t know it at the time, so this wonderful lady decided to introduce me to BDSM, and a brand new world had opened up for me.

Coming into the leather lifestyle as a woman back in 1995 was terrific. The Chicago leather scene flourished with many opportunities, organizations and social clubs like SLUTS, who met every Thursday downstairs at the Eagle and Visions, a local dance bar that welcomed leather women into their primarily traditional, vanilla lesbian space. Visions had a leather night put aside once a week for women and held a local Ms. Chicago Leather contest, the winner going on to compete in the upcoming International Ms. Leather competition taking place here in Chicago for the first time. IMsL normally ran their competition out of their home base San Francisco, so it was a historic event having the contest and the event at the Bismarck hotel on July 22, 1995. I attended that event and also met some members of Leather United Chicago, a pansexual leather club that I became an associate member of. LUC (Leather United Chicago) used to meet once a month and I found it to be a great source for meeting people, gay, lesbian or straight. Besides SLUTS, CLAW, a women’s social network in Chicago was very affluent and would host seminars and workshops for the women’s BDSM and Fetish communities at large. Being a leather woman was not only about outreach and education but also about having fun and meeting other leather gay women. Besides the leather scene for lesbians, there were dance bars like Paris, Augie & CK’s, Temptations, Lost and Found, and the Closet that were also available to women. It was a great time to be a gay woman, having various opportunities to hang out with friends rather you were vanilla or into leather.

The next several years found me more immersed in the leather community as an associate member of LUC attending various leather runs outside of Illinois and fundraising events held at the Eagle locally. Through LUC, I met and fell in love with a transgender female to male, but found myself at odds with social groups like CLAW who held women-only play parties. Despite understanding that these events were women-based, I still found it hard to accept that we as a couple were no longer welcomed but I maintained ties to CLAW on my own as well as became more active in the pansexual community as a couple.

While my partner was recovering from breast reconstructive surgery to complete his final transition to male, we took some time off from the Chicago Leather Scene to focus more on our home life. The late 90s was certainly great for us personally but by early 2000, the reality of a 24/7 relationship began weighing heavy on my mind. Part of the problem was him adjusting to his new look on the job as well as some outside factors socially pushing him to remain home bound and not out and about as we once were. His uneasiness to be in the public eye was due to people’s reactions to his change. It hurt him more being disrespected by certain folks who in the past were respectful to him, but now suddenly distant. They would not refer to him as he or Sir, and never called him by his more male-identified name. To me, it seemed like every time we were out there was conflict between him and some people who simply did not get this whole transgender thing, so rather than fighting the prejudice, we became more introverted, which proved unsettling for me.

The day I moved out was the hardest thing I ever had to do. He truly wanted a traditional wife, one to cook, clean, take care of him, and the house, etc. This is a most difficult thing to adjust to when you are still working two jobs, and going to school part time. I know he had hoped that financially he could afford for me to remain home, not have to work full-time so that I can complete my degree in exchange for taking on the more housewife role. Unfortunately, life simply does not work out that way. Eventually, I left the leather scene to handle the personal trauma I was dealing with after the break up but when I was finally ready to venture back out into the leather lifestyle, I had found that it had changed dramatically. I was out of touch and not aware of any women-oriented groups that were still in existence. SLUTS had already disbanded years ago, Visions closed, and if I went to the local leather bars I rarely saw any women out. Leather United Chicago had undergone some changes internally and most of their members were not active socially any longer but CLAW was still around and hosted the women’s meet and greet usually at the Cell Block during IML.

What was more disappointing to me was finding out that dance bars like Augie & Cks, Paris, recently, Temptations, and even Lost and Found had closed their doors to the lesbian population. Luckily I was still playing softball and had joined a women’s bowling league because without those social outlets I would not have met a new friend who invited me to attend a play party at a private club called Just Fabulous. This was truly a unique experience because Just Fabulous was primarily a heterosexual environment. Once they closed I started to go to the Leather Rose and another place called Gallery Domain, both of which are private member only spaces and straight. It was fun for a while being only 1 of maybe 3 lesbians that were members but I was single now and looking for other gay women or transgender female to male play partners. Despite this set back, I forged on eventually becoming a founding member of the Chicago Leather Club in 2002. CLC is a pansexual organization as was LUC and the opportunity to build a new club was very important to me and for my sanity. I had hoped it would bring out more gay leather women socially, but we received more support from the straight community and eventually we also gained some gay male members. CLC does have some lesbian members still but other than that, I really did not see any social networks or clubs for lesbian leather women only.

These days, despite the opportunities that are available on the Internet, the recent trend of low social visibility in the lesbian leather community has affected me greatly, although bars like Stargaze, the Closet and now the Velvet Rope remain open but are primarily lesbian-based and neither of these support the leather women’s community that I know of. I am unaware of any BDSM women-only spaces to date or if there are any lesbian, leather-based organizations or social networks that meet regularly in Chicago. If anyone out there has some useful information for me regarding the lesbian leather scene here in Chicago, rather it be clubs, social groups like CLAW, or any other organizations that are in support of leather women, please feel free to email me at squirelisa@comcast.net.

Update on Saturday, May 11, 2013 at 01:25AM by Lisa Lacriola aka T.Langdon Squire

OMG! – Updated  Monday June 8, 2009 @ 10:31pm

I just recd great news that this article was selected as a guest column for Jack Rinella's leather views on line.  Jack is a magnificent writer and I've been a fan of his leather views column in Gay Chicago since I came out as a leather woman myself.  It is truly an honor that he found my article worth his time and edit for a guest spot in issue #23.  For more on Jack Rinella and his columns, you can check out his website at www.leatherviews.com.  Become an email subscriber and you'll receive his columns every week, it's free and I think you will be impressed with his frank, openness, honesty and vast knowledge of BDSM and the leather lifestyle.