Living with Addiction - Day 56

So, earlier this morning I had a dream. I wrote it down at 347am when I woke up. I was in a class with other students, and the teacher handed out a sort of phone guide. It had names and things, almost as if this was some type of training guide to handle calls, who to send certain conversations or experts to and basically, I would assume it was almost a sales guide or customer service, so perhaps I was at a work seminar, not sure. Anyway, within 5 minutes, the teacher came around and took the guide from us and basically said, you don't need them and I don't want you to rely upon them. Then, she started moving people around from their current seats to some other spot of her choosing. I remember in the dream I started crying and I literally said to her that she triggered something deep inside, and took a way the one thing I felt would make me successful and give me confidence, then you move me to the back of the class where I cannot see over people or you or the blackboard. 

The significance of this dream was profound to me. I've been working at being mindful of my triggers and I think this dream pointed out the need to be successful and not fail, or not be noticed or being insignificant. When I was in school, I would always sit in the front of the class so I could see better. I always felt at a disadvantage if I was not seen by the teacher or if I could not see what she or he was writing on the board. I always felt empowered when I knew what was going on, so when I would raise my hand, I would be noticed to then be called upon for the answer.  The dream, took away something that gave me an advantage which in my mind prevented me from being successful, so I cried, feeling like I had already failed before even starting. In the dream, I told the teacher that I was dropping her course and I stormed out of the class.

I wrote this one down in my phone, so I would not forget, as I fell back to sleep for another hour, then got up again. I think what surprised me about this dream as that I could interpret what it meant. Normally in dreams, you don't always get to do that. I try to look at symbolism, colors, sounds, stuff like that to help make sense of dreams, and that does not always work. Anyway, I am still on track to remaining habit free from the FB Caesars Slots game. I have an appointment with my therapist today, I will let her know what the dream was.

On a personal note, my advocate Kerry from my company's health program took the time to read some of my poetry from this site. I felt really honored that she did that. In our conversations she had mentioned what was it in my writing that helped me cope with things and I shared with her my processess and gave her the link. She liked the My Sister, My Life poem. She said, it made her weep. WOW!  I wonder if she read anything else? Maybe I'll ask her.

Living with Addiction - Day 53

I had an interesting dream last night. I had finished playing softball at a big park that had a gym and other facilities on the property. I was waiting with others as there was a guest speaker that was talking on the olympics and the need for women's sports like softball and basketball, etc. As I waited, I saw my mom and dad walk up to me and all they said to me was didn't your softball finish up earlier? We are on our way to see your brother play tennis. I woke up after that. I felt disgusted of course, but I was not surprised by the dream as I was just talking with a good friend before I went to bed about my addiction and the need for recognition and being important etc.

I think the dream was a reminder and maybe gave me a little insight, as I could remember that when I was in junior high and then freshman, sophomore years of high school I made the basketball team, however, my parents never came to see me.  My brother is two years younger than me and I recall multiple times they went to see him play tennis. He was really good, but I was also good at sports. It's interesting, in my younger years, before 7th and 8th grade, my father and I played all sorts of things together. He took me everywhere, as he was an avid softball player and bowler. He taught me to play basketball, even put a net up for me. It just seemed that when I got older he wasn't as involved. I wanted to believe it was because of his job hours. He was a cop so sometimes during the days or weird shifts during the evenings I did not see him that much.

It seems as I look through the years, now, I've always needed recognition or validation from my family for the things that I was good at or enjoyed not only when I did what they expected of me. I got recognition if I looked a certain way or acted a certain way, and competition was not favored, especially by my mom. I now can remember so many times I felt objectified. In my later years, this became problematic. My mom dressed me a certain way so that I looked older than I was. I think for me, looking back, I was too sexy. I was not comfortable and did not know how to express that without fear of rejection. It doesn't surprise me that at that time when guys looked at me, they acted accordingly but never saw the me inside, only what I looked like externally. On many occasions as I grew older and dated, I felt more like a trophy than I did a person. My parents supported that and not my individuality. With all that unwanted attention, no wonder I felt lonely.

Anyway, that's enough heavy stuff today. Seems to me, many of these feelings morphed into an easy addiction to a game that provided recognition and validation and competition. I have to keep in mind, I am no longer playing softball, so not a lot of things that give me that, 'you are so good, I want you on my team' which always made me feel good about myself. I am still learning to look within for my recognition and know that "I am good, I am loved, etc." instead of looking for this externally.

Living with Addiction - Day 48

From Days to Weeks to Months, and still so far so good.

I'm so happy my habitual addiction to the FB Game Caesars Slots is squashed. I know what has helped was finding other enjoyable things in the morning that are healthy, like doing puzzles, or playing a trivia game, or writing. I've had to do a few different things to keep me from being bored, but I think the puzzle has been the most effective. I noticed the other day though, when I was doing an on-line puzzle, everytime I finished a puzzle, the APP kept playing samples of other games which was so annoying as I had to wait for the sample to finish before I could X out of it, this caused me great frustration. In that moment I realized that my need for instant gratification is a bit deeper than I imagined. Now, when I do a board puzzle like the 1000 piece dragon one I'm doing now, I do not get interrupted and each time some pieces fit into place I get a rush. This is a good thing to realize as it may be one of the contributing factors in my addiction.

Anyway, some social stuff coming on the horizon will also be good for me. I have noticed that I am too comfortable with isolation and although I do need that, I have to remember to get out sometimes. So, tonight, I'm seeing a movie with a very dear friend and hopefully in October I will be taking a trip to Door County with another friend.  I've never been up to Door County. It's in WI so not too far of a drive. This is exciting too, as it would be the first time in a long time I've driven so far in my car. I had been hesitant with the older vehicle, but now with my new car, much easier and less stressful.

I'm still checking in with the health counselor through my job. Kerry has been fantastic. I think I have a crush on her and yet I've never met her. But it's her words and you can feel her enthusiasm with what she is doing and her support comes through even in the chat message. She has a calming voice over the phone which I really like because sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I can't slow down to just enjoy. Maybe one day I'll get to meet her in person. It would be interesting for sure.

That's it for now.

Living with Addiction - Day 42

So, I have not had any emails from the Caesar folks over the past week. Hopefully they have finally given up that I will not be coming back.  I feel fantastic.  There are so many new things I do now in the morning to help me in that timeframe. It may have taken a couple of things to keep my interest and visual stimulation going considering the game gave so much, but I'm good with my decisions to surround myself with multiple things. Chances of getting bored are not high and so far, I have not missed FB.  

I did, almost slip up the other day, and I had to think about what was going through my head in that moment. I believe it was frustration.  I am an instant gratification kind of gal, and I was using my kindle to do a puzzle and the kindle shut off right in the middle of putting the pieces on the proverbial board of the kindle. I was so mad, thankfully, once my kindle was re-charged, at least I did not have to start all over.  Still, I made a note in my head about that frustration, because I believe it may have triggered the almost play the game mode I was feeling.

Friends have been fabulous! I get text messages at least once a week and a few people call me to check in which I so appreciate.  I'm working a bigger 1000 piece puzzle and two of my friends will be joining me one night for pizza and puzzles.  I look forward to that. 

On the personal front, I'm still seeing my therapist and I am also working with a health couselor through my job. I get points for the coaching which can add up to amazon gift cards. Collecting the points also keeps the medical payments very low per paycheck as you get a discount for the quarter if you've met a certain amount of points at the end of the previous quarter.  Looking good. I'm ony 100 points shy already for meeting the goal for this quarter and there is still the rest of August and all of September left, so I am doing well all the way around.

That's all for today.

Living with Addiction - Day 36

So far so good...

The Ceasars team were still reaching out to me via email, giving me their links etc. These emails don't have the unsuscribe option, but I just keep deleting them.  Yesterday, I almost clicked on one of the links the ELITE one as that's the game I was playing. I stopped myself from clicking on it, and thought about what was going through my head when I was about to click. Honestly I don't remember, but I think I was frustrated because I was playing a puzzle game in my Kindle and it started powering down right in the middle of my puzzle which was almost completed. Now, I'm not sure if that was the reason, or maybe it was because I was just tired and the habit was all that was driving me or the urge to click.

Nonetheless, I started working on my book, transfering the file from my email to home desktop. Yesterday, I slept late, I think this is because I've been doing a new physical puzzle of 1000 pieces, vs an online one, so it took forever just to get the edges connected having to go through the pile two or three times before I got every side piece. I think it was a much to aggressive move for me to start with 1000 pieces, as I could feel myself getting frustrated with the impossible odds that come with trying to get this together. However, what is nice, is that the manufacturers have letters on the back of each piece, so I can begin to group all the As, Bs, Cs, Ds, Es, Fs, Gs, and Hs together which should help make the puzzle a bit easier to navigate.  I love the board I got as it keeps the pieces in place pretty well. There's a cover as well, should I need to leave the house, I can place it over the board and secure it fairly easily to keep Merlin from getting curious.  Although since I've been working on it, he hasn't bothered to jump on the kitchen table.

This morning I also slept in. I went to bed probably around 9pm after whatching a Heart concert on AXS TV. Gosh I love that channel. I love music so perhaps grooving along with the band and of course the Wilson sister's great voices, probably burnt off some energy.  However, I woke up after having the strangest dream, it was 137am. I remember two guys that were pursuing me, one was younger, not a lot of money, kind of a free spirt, always on the go, never in one place for too long and the other guy, was someone I used to know or someone I had a familiarity with who was grounded, financially stable and not bad looking, just not as sexy as the young guy. All of sudden, the scene drastically changed and I could swear I was laying in bed, looking at a female figure with long hair, wearing shorts, hanging from a rope from the doorway to the bedroom. I remember screaming a name Hanna, which is a name that I'm not familiar with, none of my friends are Hanna, etc. I did a quick view of dream interpretations on line, and unfortunately nothing was consistent, going from the hanging as a death of somone or someone who has already passed trying to warn me of something coming, to the death of a part of yourself, or something new about to unfold and the death of something old or frame of thought etc.  I can only surmise that this dream was about choices. I have a very good friend who is a psychology major who is super insightful, I'm going to ask her what she thinks it meant. The dream frightened me and I was unnerved by it, as I've never had such a dream.

I'm supposed to go to a pool party today, but I woke up with a migraine, so I doubt I'll go, although part of me wants to get out of the house. I love pool parties, but based on the guest list, there will also be some straight folks there and I'm always a bit uncomfortable. It kind of makes the party less appealing, although the hostess' hetereo friends are very respectful etc. However, tomorrow is the 31st which will be a very long day for work as it is month end, so being outside in this heat would not be good for the migraine and I really need to work tomorrow. I only get 5 or 6 sick days a year before they write you up, and I've already had 3 days used for other times when my migraines have acted up. The company does pay for sicktime, but you are still punished if you misuse the benefit and apparently 5 or 6 is considered abusive.

Anyway, that's all for now.