A Brief Return To Play

Hey there -

So, last night I had a play date with my leather bro CJ. She is such a great top. I drove out to Lake Villa where she lives with her 3 other room mates, so I initially thought we would not have any privacy. However, I was glad I was wrong.  CJ has her own room of course and an adjacent smaller room whereby both rooms share a bathroom. In the 2nd bedroom, there wasn't a bed, so of course I was like, where am I going to sleep. CJ is the most observant person I know and before I asked my question, she told me that she has an air mattress and a top memory foam pad. I will say, it was pretty damn comfortable to sleep on. 

Before we got started, we had gone out to dinner, however, both of us were not about to wait an hour or more at Outback Steakhouse in Gurnee.  So, we both said, "PIZZA". So we went back to the house, ordered a pizza which was absolutely fabulous, Jimano's. Good price, nice crust, great sauce, and the sausage was not greasy at all, which made eating great for my stomach. I certainly did not want any issues later on when we played.

The extra room was big enough, and I was admiring the back wall which was like a chalk board and CJ, who loves dragons, had drawn a dragon in sidewalk chalk on the wall along with an elf. This is kind of cool, I thought to myself. Of course we laughed later because I used the wall to lean on when our scene started. She doesn't have the basement set up yet for allowing cuffs and chains on a overhead post, usually it looks like a X cross, which is super comfortable.  Thankfully I brought my cuffs because I need the feeling of the cuffs to keep me in the right head space while CJ flogged me.  We call it honor bondage in the community. So, of course, I'm leaning against the wall and I got chalk all over my forearms and hands, and then I wiped my hands on my shorts.  Hilarious.  The two of us are both switches, which means we can bottom or top, meaning, take pain or give pain. Either way works. Last night, I got to take the pain. She is masterful and we took our time to not take me too high or overwhelmed. It was a perfect high and once I started gigling which happened fairly quickly, like within 30 minutes, I was almost exhausted already.

CJ and I have known each other for over 20 years, and have played together on many occasion so it was easy to feel safe and connected to her in the way we both need to be for the success of the scene. The best part for me is when we were done, I leaned back into her and she held me close which was a nice slow cool down.

Living with Addiction - Day 133

Well my friends, it has been 133 days since I last gambled or did anything remotely related to gambling. I'd say my habit has thoroughly been kicked. However, I am still not out of the water yet as each day is a struggle to balance my down time with busy or productive times.  Part of the issue here is that I cannot sleep pass 4am. No matter how late I go to bed, I still get up at 4am.  So, this leaves me with lots of extra time in the morning before I log onto my work laptop which is usually around 7am. What seems to have kept me from playing the Caesars Slots FB Game is that I do multiple things in the morning to compensate. These distractions can range from reading a book to playing a trivia game to doing puzzles, both electronic and physical (I love the physical 1000 piece puzzles). Of course, it's probably not good that I keep investing in buying more puzzles, but it is still so much cheaper than playing the Caesars Slots FB game, so it is a fair trade off.

I have recently finished my 2nd book which is now in the editing stages, working with two dear friends who will be added to my dedication page. Eventually, I will need to get the draft to a professional editor, more than likely, it will be Rowan. She did a fabulous job editing my prior book. She really got me and my vision which is very hard to find. In addition, I reached out to my graphics guru Eli, who is thrilled to be designing the logo and cover for the 2nd book. He was instrumental in designing the OTW Wolf Logo in the first book, which became the cover. He is amazing.

What else is happening? Well, I have time scheduled with my leather brother for a BDSM scene. I've known her for a long time. She has also been a contributor on this site under the section Other Contributers for her writing which is very magical, seductive, sensual, physical, playful, and deeply emotional. We've known each other since I first found myself in the leather culture way back in my early 30's. Yes, folks, I've been affiliated with that group for over 25 years. I've bottomed with CJ before and I have also topped her as well. We are both considered switches in the culture because we can equally give pain and take it. It will certainly be challenging since both of us have not been active for many years, but that's the fun of it.

Work, continues to bring me great anxiety. I've become short-tempered with the calls I take every day. These customer service calls seem more like complaints rather than us actually guiding or assisting them. In some cases, they do not listen to what we suggest which would avoid continuing referrals that can and usually do delay their invoicing to the client. We need specific compliant documentation which they all know about, in order to bill anything especially fees, however, these people seem to think that because they tell us the client said, "we can bill the fee," we should proceed. But that's not how it works. Anyway, I'm hoping the physical release I get next weekend from CJ will help. I've been craving physical touch for a while.

Speaking of the physical, I can definitely say there was a certain tangible stimulus that happened when I used to play the Caesars Slots FB game, but without any other outlet for this stimulus, it was probably what got me in trouble in the first place. I am not a workout person, too lazy. Yes, I admit that. However, I do still need routines to keep me grounded, but too much time can be a disadvantage. Softball, I can no longer play, although, I'd like to think I still could, but I am not in the best shape possible. And although bowling helps a lot, I still feel anxious or eager rather than relaxed, which greatly happens when you experience a physical release that stems from exhaustion. I've never been one to actively pursue dating or going on APPS etc, so I'm not seeking a new lover. At almost 60, I'm very set in my ways, and too often in my past relationships, I have compromised so much of who I was to please them that in the end, it broke me. I think what is unique about the symbiotic connection that happens when you do a BDSM scene with another, is the physical release but not the emotional hangups, or aggravation, that can derive from bad intimate relationships, or unfulfilling ones. You still, however, have to have some emotional connection for the magic to happen in that exchange of power in the scene. By the way if some of these leather terms give you pause, please check out my BDSM FAQs section of this site.

Today, I'm leisurely relaxing. It was a long week at work with all the bull shit, and I'm also getting a little nervous as the help line that consumes my entire job description is now being infiltrated by some of our offshore employees who have been trained to assist on the help line. This training was designed to free the onshore people, like myself, to do other things, however, we have not been tasked with any further projects, so this is truly unnerving. A few months ago one of our onshore team members was transferred to another department, and she did not have a choice in the matter, it happened because the other dept, needed assistance because their call volumes were and continue to be much higher than ours. At least this is the story my management told me. Of course the other department is trying to push their new phone application for us to utilize which would instantly track how many calls each person takes, how long, if the inquiries were answered, if we were professional, if we dropped their calls, or if we did not follow up etc. This is NOT GOOD! My group has a call log and we have not had any complaints from our customers, as we do take their calls and we follow up when necessary even if we miss a call and it goes into our voicemail system. I think this new application is better suited for the other dept. I can't tell you how many calls that come to us by mistake because the person got nowhere with the dept they were suppose to call.  Anyway, that's my rant for today.

Back to my life...will keep you posted as I move into November further.

What do I Need, Something...Anything, What is That?

The answer is - Physical Touch -

Yes, I decided that I've been going it alone these past years especially through my mom's sickness, covid, my gambling addiction, my own breast cancer scare, etc...without physical companionship, or touch, or activity. Yes, I love my friends dearly and when I see them there is usually a big hug, minor affection that happens in a non-sexual touchy, feely way, but it does not give you that ZING. Bowling can only take me so far, lol.

It's been years since I've been with anyone seriously, like 10 years. Yes, there are a few close and deep friendships that I wanted more or at least wanted us to move to the next level, but sadly, that did not happen. In some cases, I feel like I've been waiting for something, anything, yet nothing.  And maybe I've missed my leather culture for this one huge offering. As such, last night I reached out to my leather bro who I've played with in the past, so we know each other really well. The symbiotic energy that happes in a leather scene, meaning someone tops and someone bottoms can release a lot endorphins in the exchange of power in pain with some pleasure. The timeframe has a limitation, so in that moment, it's only for a short period which is good, because, from a bottom perspective, you give up a certain power in that submission while you trust the person handling you, whom also gets energy as well, but it's different from yours. You cannot have one without the other. It's a very vulnerable position to be in, but can also be very satisfying, spiritually, mentally and physically as your body is challenged in that exchange.

I realized as I started writing about my addiction and some of the reasons for my habitual behavior had probably more to do with boredom, and even though I got a kind of high out of the stimulus of the game, there was not any physical outlet. Now, I'm not a work-out person, and I've found other ways to quiet my mind which is always running amuk. My writing has exploded for me in a creative way, so I suppose there is a physical element in the completion of a goal. For me, Friday, I finished The Order of the Wolf: Species Chronicles, Book 2 Covenant, first full and completed draft. I contacted my editor so I'm waiting to hear back from her on price and estimated finish date. I have a quick upcoming phone call session with Eli Wednesday, he is my graphic artist for the book cover design and logo. But this still left me wanting, something, anything.

Last night I couldn't sleep and I thought after the couple of days I traveled to Lake Geneva with a very dear friend, I should have been able to sleep, but I was wide awake. I did a lot of walking and being outdoors on this trip which was necessary, so I was surprised that I felt dissatisfied. Part of it was an expectation of finally having a traveling companion, but as much as we are alike in so many ways, we are definitely different when it comes to traveling. Not a bad thing, however, where we usually communicate and get each other, we made a lot of assumptions on how each other would react to certain situations, rather it's having the room split in half so to speak, she got the side with the desk which was problematic for me, because I have a morning ritual when I tend to use my computer most, and that did not happen. Also, when I get up, because I wanted to be considerate to her, I got dressed and I just wanted to relax, so when she would get up she can take the time she needs to do her thing in the morning. However, she thought we were ready to check out of the hotel and I got upset because I disturbed her sleep and she seemed annoyed so sometimes comments can be taken out of context, but luckily we do know how to express ourselves and we quickly remedied any misunderstood comments. Still, the experience left me a little out of sorts, which I am not sure yet why.

I guess in the end, what I think happened, more than anything, was how I've been feeling a deeper connection to her then in prior years and maybe I thought that if we could handle this travel thing, which was something she was very worried about, maybe we could take the next steps. I should have known better. I've pined for her through all these years, but she never led me in the direction of a lover. In fact I think we both in our own small way welcomed what we do have without all the aggravation that can come from moving from a deep friendship into the realm of sexuality. 

Anyway, thus, I think allowing myself the pleasure of having someone desire me was missing. Interestingly, my leather bro, did not hesitate when I asked her. She said, although it's been a long time and I may be out of practice but I would do this for you and your responsive does it for me. This was sweet and I was surprised by her comments.  I adore her, always have.

So, until next time...

Living with Addiction - Day 115

Hello Fans of ThruSquiresEyes -

Great stuff to report today.  You all know I've been working a trivia computer game off and on to combat my propensity to do the FB Caesars Slots game. I'm moving along so well without falling into bad, habitual behaviors and doing the trivia game is part of that. Well, of course, the 1000 puzzles I am also engaged in. So, today, I got to level 8 in the Trivia Game. It took me forever just to get to level 7 through the years, and today, I got pass level 7. What a joy! It seems mundane you would think, to be so excited about a trivia game, but I look at it this way...I'm not getting any younger and the more things I do to sharpen my brain and keep it active should be of great benefit.  Without my mind, I'm shot to hell. 

I finished my 5th 1000 piece puzzle the other day, but I'm letting it linger on the puzzle board until I of course, take it apart and put it back in its box.  I just got 3 more puzzles so I'm ready for the next one. I am spending money on these but it is manageable, the credit card debt I incurred with playing the FB game was out of control and way more than I would admit here on the page. Paying for the puzzles is a welcome cost. 

In addition, I finished the 2nd book Covenant in the Order of the Wolf Series. I did not quite hit my target 50,000 words, but once Rowan, my editor goes through it, I'm sure I will be adding more to that total. But at this point, for some reason, when I typed the last sentence, I really liked it so much, that I felt it was a good place to end. I still have a little mystery going into the 3rd Book, Evolution and a semi-outline to proceed. I did decide, I would do 3 books for this series. It is not clear at this time, if I want a 4th. Plus, I am really looking forward to collaborating with my fellow writer on a mystery novel. Well, she wants a screen play, of course it's been years since I did a screen play. But she thinks between our two brains and experiences as she used to read scripts when she lived in Cali., we will figure it out.  Part of the reason why I wanted to finish up my 2nd book is so I can start to put some effort into this new joint effort while my editor works on the 2nd book.

I also got the 1st book, Lineage, proofs from Dorrance and I just finished reviewing those. I sent my corrections to them this morning.  So far so good. I'm on target. Ideally, we want that re-release of the first book to coincide with the 2nd book's release.  I still have to figure out costs for promotion and marketing of the 2nd book, and give a fair price to Rowan for using her editing skills. She really gets me and the story as she did such a fantastic job on the first book.  I have ELI on hold for the cover design on 2nd book. Can't wait to give him my ideas. I know he'll come up with something fabulous. He is so talented.

Anyway, heading to Lake Geneva for an overnight stay to begin preparations for the mystery novel and enjoy the hotel's lake front view and trails. 

Stay tuned... 

Living with Addiction - Day 111

Wahoo!

Did you think I forgotten you?

I've just been doing my thing. I went to Chicago Botanic Gardens last weekend, which was awesome and walked, forever, it seemed. I tracked my steps, so I'm thinking it was at least 2 miles if not more. That park is huge. It was a perfect, cool day.

So far, I haven't had any desire to play the Caesars's Game on FB.  They are still sending me emails etc., even though I unsuscribed from their list. I am confident my habitual and addictive behavior has been snuffed out. Some days though I still feel a little down, but I think that is just the part of me, that is bored and needs stimulous. Bowling season started which has helped a lot. I get that competitiveness going. 

I found another program in my Virgin Pulse APP, its called Wellbeats, they have lots of quick and longer excercises or you can do yoga, etc. You get points for these things too, which is great. You need to collect 15,000 points per quarter so you can continue to get the medical payments through payroll reduced.

I'm enjoying these meditative and other fancy things available that are for your health. One woman did a class on African Dance, damn that was fun, but some of the movements were very difficult especially when the music picked up.  All and all, it was pretty cool. The instructor was well, let's just say HOT! LOL. That of course, made it much more enjoyable.

I'm almost finished with the 2nd book. Of course this would be a first draft, because once my editor goes through it, I'm sure there will be revisions, etc. I'm hopeful that this time around with the editor, things will go smoother. She said, she has more time now. Part of the problem last time with the first book, she was absent, and half the time I couldn't reach her, so months would go by and I had no idea where she was at with the publishing, etc., so this time around, I'm only hiring her for editing not publishing. I pay her for editing services and she receives no royalties from sale of the book.  I definitely want to self-publish.

As far as the re-release of Book 1, Dorrance Publishing just sent me the interior page proofs for me to review. They are pricing the book at $18, which I think is too high, but considering the effort they are putting in to marketing and promotion, plus making this book available in stores, and ebooks like nook, kindle, plus their own sites, maybe folks will pay $18. We shall see.

I'm taking a little trip to Lake Geneva next weekend with a good friend, just gonna stay one night. I'm looking forward to the lake and the trails that surround it. The weather is expected to be maybe 50's. It will be awesome.

Anyway, that's all for now.