Living with Addiction - Day 164

Hello fans of my site:

I've had a good couple of weeks since Thanksgiving, although I must confess, I fell off the proverbial wagon the weekend of the turkey holiday. I had forgotten the FB Caesars Slots APP was on my kindle and I clicked into the game. Of course, there were tons of new bonus points added to my totals and messages from my VIP progam rep. At first I was disappointed in myself, and I realized, that it was shear bordedom that tricked me into playing the game once more. The Thanksgiving weekend was 4 glorious days of no stress, no family drama, no relationship drama or work stuff, but, being idle was also a disadvantage. I am happy to report though, I was only in the game for maybe a half hour and then I logged out of it. The game did not give me any joy at all so perhaps, I needed to check to see if I was truly over it. My therapist was not surprised I had a hiccup, but also said, that the habitual behavior may never go away permanently, but she was thrilled, I had discovered the main reason for getting caught up into it in the first place - BOREDOM!

Truth be told, due to the addition of new challenges I'm doing in the morning from when I get up to logging on line for work, all have proven beneficial in my recovery. But here's the kicker...doing 1000 piece physical puzzles, or computer ones, reading, writing and the trivia game I just love, sometimes, it is not enough. There is a certain lack of physical stimulus and probably a little social hinderances that I am starting to become aware of. Last weekend, I did go out to a Xmas party which I'm invited to every year. It is one of those fabulous things when you have a wide circle of friends who have other friends. I do enjoy these get togethers as we have been doing them since our softball efforts were squashed. We simply got too old, LOL! So, these monthly grub munches as we call them, have kept us in touch with one another, which has been good for me, but also difficult, as I am not a huge social person. I have much anxiety in large groups and especially if we are gathered in a small place where I feel I just cannot breath.

Last weekend's Xmas party was fun, the food was good, company always great, but the space I felt did not accommodate the 18 people that showed up for the event. I did realize one thing, when I have a bit of anxiety, I dress up in something, usually leather related. For some reason, when I wear leather it gives me a kind of armour. It's hard to explain. I felt dashingly rogish. This time around, I had on my comfy stretch black pants, black shoes, a long shirt and I wore a leather tie and of course, to finish my ensemble, a leather vest.  I looked fierce.  People took notice, which is always a good thing. I felt powerful and ready to take on any challenges that would arise from the cramped restaurant. So, perhaps I'm finding out more and more about myself, triggers, etc., and things to do to mitigate those uncomfortable situations.

Anyway, that's it for now.