Living with Addiction - Day 32

Today was a good day. I decided to utilize my company's health care program and spoke with a health coach. It went wonderful as she reminded me of how much I've accomplished through this as well as other challenges that I've had to face throughout my life.

She recommended that I continue to journal and mentioned that I should try meditation before going to bed to help calm my mind. I usually do that in the mornings before my day starts so she thinks finishing my day the same way would help me to sleep better as lately I've been getting up every two hours or so.

My new 1000 piece puzzles came from Amazon so now I'm just waiting to get the special board which helps the pieces stay in place when they fit together and also provides a dust cover that pulls tight to keep the pieces from scattering. I'm hoping this will deter Merlin from eating the pieces or knocking the whole thing over. The health coach I spoke with also mentioned that I should do some things that I enjoy for myself that make me happy so I'm looking at things I've done in the past that I loved, rather it was coloring with crayons, or pencils or just free-writing.

So far, I'm loving the blender I got as I continue to expand my kitchen abilities which are presently slim to none. I figured doing simple things like smoothies not only offers something healthy for me to eat but these are easy to make so one doesn't get frustrated. I'm also trying to stay positive about my body image with the extra little weight. Work was interesting today as I was given a compliment on the way I looked from a co-worker which made me smile as I've been feeling a little self-conscious.

All in all, a very good day indeed.

Living with Addiction - Day 27

Good Morning -

It's been weeks now since I finally stopped playing Ceasars Slots. They are still sending me emails about new adventures and games and specials, etc. I suspect they will keep doing that hoping I'll come back to play, but I have no intention too. I'm doing so well. I wouldn't be surprised though if they send me some type of gift. Let's hope they don't, but if they do, I'll just smile and say to the universe, thanks.

I'm excited about a course I will be taking in September at College of Dupage. It's only two sessions but the class is about self-publishing through Amazon. Amazon has a program KDA, Kindle Direct. It's their version of self-publishing. The class will teach you how to upload your book on line on Amazon. I know when I was with my last publisher, she had expressed getting a book in Kindle version or on Amazon in general was complicated and rather expensive, as Amazon takes a good portion of your profits. I guess I will see and look forward to doing the sessions. 

I started working with a book The Addiction Recovery Journal, by Natalie Feinblatt, PsyD. It's kind of cool, it guides you by using prompts, practices and encouragement as you live with addiction. You can write in the book which I like. The journal is broken into six different sections: 1) Understanding Your Addiction and Recovery 2) Exploring Chronic Stress, Trauma and the Nature of Relapses 3) Managing Difficult Thoughts and Emotions 4) Building Healthy Relationships 5) Navigating High-Risk Situations and Environments and 6) Establishing a Lifestyle to Help Prevent Relaps. I'm working on Section 1 now, but I think I will move to Section 3 after that.

So far therapy is going great. I never thought how much I missed going through the years. Right now with the costs so manageable I want to take advantage of this time. I really feel empowered when I leave my therapist's office. I also think it is healthy to get out of the house sometimes. I tend to isolate myself often but I'm trying to be more sociable. The tough part will come in the colder months. Hopefully by then, I won't have any relapse and fall back into bad habits with playing the FB game.

I bought a blender so I'm looking forward to helping myself on the healthy front as I think that also has lots to do with low self-esteem and loving yourself, which I think could have easily contributed to the habitual behavior of the game. I like making food that is fun but not difficult to understand. I can certainly follow recipes, although some...well, you get the idea. I think for me, doing these Smoothies is great as they are much more easier to do. I have a recipe book as well to help. I'm not the best person when it comes to the kitchen, but I think this too will give me a sense of pride and happiness and definitely fill that boredom time in the morning before I start work.

Anyway, that's all for now.

Strange Dream

It has been a while since I remembered any dreams. I don't often have a deep sleep, and usually if I dream, by the time I wake up, I've forgotten the details.

This morning I recalled something of my dream last night. It was strange. It was as if I was in some competition. I only remember bits and pieces. At first I was running or walking or something on a difficult surface, as if it was slick outside, and I was barefoot. The next challenge was to be at some bar, singing karaoke or something, but the third leg of the competition was to meet the rest of the team for bowling.

Because I was filthy from being outside and I had no shoes, I chose to skip the 2nd challenge and went home to get cleaned up so that I would look okay and would be ready to do the 3rd challenge the bowling with the rest of the team.

I will need to talk to the therapist about this on Monday. I wish I remembered more of the dream, but if I had to guess, the dream was more about being socialable and with others.  The first challenge whereby I was running or walking on a hard surface that was causing pain and my feet were bare, seems like something I was doing alone and it made me feel icky inside. The bar with the singing, is more about recognition from the crowd if they were watching the karaoke competition. But this too, is something I would naturally be doing alone even though there were other people. Instead I skipped this to go home and hurry up and clean myself up, get dressed and in comfortable shoes to get out to the bowling alley to be with my team so I wouldn't be late for that.

Again, I look forward to talking this over with the therapist.  For now, I had to log it.

I'll keep you posted.

Living with Addiction - Day 20

So, I've reached the end of the week. This is exciting. I'm still going strong, not being tempted by the game. Although, they have sent me several emails about new specials and they are doing another build your pet type promo. I really did enjoy these PET ones as you got treats to feed your pet to help he or she grow. Well, I'm quite proud of myself that it didn't spur me to action getting that email. I've been hitting the unsubscribe option when it's available in the emails they are sending me.

Work continues to surprise me as one of my co-workers got transferred to the ASC group. I felt bad for her because that dept is truly difficult with not a lot of resources to help the requestors with their accounting issues. The dept's call volume is much larger than my billing unit, so management went to my management group to ask us for assistance.  I just hope that this will not become a trend. But in terms of employees in the dept, they still have less than us. The billing help line has assistance from offshore so I suppose this is why one of our people got transferred.

On the bright side, I got a raise, which was fantastic, given the new car payment and the publishing monthly costs for book 1 in the series to be re-released. I'm still working on book 2 of the series and already have written 17,500 words. Long way to go yet, before the book would be considered a novel, which would be like 50,000 words minimum. Ugh!.  In the meantime I am also trying to finish my memoir, so that I can enter it into the memoir contest Minerva Rising is having.  Minerva Rising was the first publication that I got something published. They published an excerpt from my memoir, so I'm hoping, given they published the excerpt, they will be interested in the rest of the memoir.  I need to get to at least 25,000 words minimum and my memoir is only at about 15,000. 

Over the past several weeks, I've been lending support to a dear friend who is going through a tough time. I think this is also helping me cope with my addiction. All the people I've shared my struggle with have been fabulous, sending me text messages to check in, etc.  Helping someone else is also contributing to my own healing. This Monday coming up I will have another appt with my therapist.  She's fabulous.

That's it for today. I'll check back soon.

Living with Addiction - Day 15

So, yesterday I had my therapy appointment and we made a break thru. The therapist and I believe that the addiction is not so much about gambling as it is about physiology and how I felt when I did play. We talked about my past when I was a lipsync performer.  At this time, I was in my early 20s. I had low self-esteem, my parents kept harping on me that I wasn't good enough, or not attractive enough as I started to put on a little weight. I felt all these things and performing on stage became an adrenalin rush. I was always a good dancer and to get all dressed up to play a kind of role on stage as an entertainer was monumental. The energy I received from the audience was incredible. When I started to perform in the gay bars, I would get tips and stuff from the audience. I would make close to $100 just in tips and if I won that week's contest it would be sometimes more than that. 

Unfortunately, lipsync did not hang around too long so I was searching for another high that made me feel special or noticed, important, attractive, competitive, etc. So, I found my way into the leather lifestyle when my 30s hit. In this world, same concept, getting dressed up to play a kind of role and the energy you would receive from others, the physical play whether topping or bottoming, gave me this release and I felt powerful, beautiful, sexy, and that I mattered. I was well-known back in those days, and people sought me out, whether as a play partner or to learn from. It was powerful. 

Flashback some 20 or so years after that and I started to grow out of that environment. I still felt attractive and stuff, but I wanted a different kind of high, so I started working on my MS and then I moved to the burbs to be closer to my new job and the aggravation of driving into the city was just too much and it was no longer an enjoyable event to attend weekend after weekend, so what did I do? Well, I started playing softball in the burbs. I had always played softball, but instead of using a 11" and a glove in the city, the burbs it was 12" still slow pitch which I loved.  The team dynamics and sense of community and joy, plus the competive nature of team sports kept me high for years to follow. 

By the time I was in my early 50s, the team chemistry split up and folks began to put more energy into their partners etc., so we simply stopped playing. I didn't realize how much I lost by not being a part of it. I was missing that attention, the adrenalin rush, etc., that I had wanted all my life to deal with the pain my parents caused me growing up in my teens. I was also bowling, which was another team sport. Around this time, my mom got really ill and I started to care for her and I put everything on hold. I had no control or joy in my life, no attention, no nothing. I started playing the Ceasars Slots game because the only moments when I was by myself, I was doing something I enjoyed, for myself. The rest of the day I worked and then promptly came home, changed clothes to go back to my mom's and take care of her. I'd stay overnight, then start the whole thing again. I was drowning, missing a lot. I felt lonely and even though I was important enough as my mom needed me, it just could not compare to the prior years in my life and the choices I made for me.

The therapist felt that once my mom passed I was just starting to have a life again, but then Covid hit, which promptly kept me at home, isolated from everything and everyone, so I continued playing the game, but over time, these games became habitual, they are designed for people to get hooked, pay money to play and so on and so on. I was assigned my own representative who would send me bonus coins, etc., gifts, emails everyday about some new game or specials for purchasing more tokens to continue playing as the games got harder and more challenging, and more competitive. It was like a re-boot sort of, an acknowledgement, from the reps, plus the competition, winnings and stuff were phenomenol. 

It's a good thing I finished my MS during that time because I almost didn't. But I wanted the degree so bad and I got a different kind of high with education. This is probably the one thing that may have curbed my game playing because I was getting that adrenalin rush from something else, but once I finished my MS, I suddenly had time on my hands. It was easy to continue playing the game and it easily became a part of my morning routine which is why I was only engaged in it from 4-7am. I would have thought that once I got my life back, the need to play would have subsided. I wasn't even winning real money, but I was certainly spending it. I was finishing my first novel, that was a high, but I had a falling out with my publisher due to her limitation in resources to market and promote the book. I had to get a lawyer, get my rights back, etc. It just seems if it wasn't one thing it was another. All these set backs are not good for your psyche or your confidence. I think it just made the game matter more. 

All in all, this therapy session was the best. I can't change the past as those experiences did effect me as I moved into my adulthood. What I need to find is a replacement from the game that kind of gives me that physical reactionary joy I felt when I did lipsync or played in the leather world. Writing helps a lot as I do get a sense of accomplishment and creativity which is good. I have started a few other games that do not cost me anything whatsover so they do help fill that time in the morning and provide joy. But my therapist still believes strongly that I need something like a team sport or something that brings out a physical release. She suggested dancing as I'm not a workout person nor does Yoga attract me. My therepist suggested looking into the village park district to see what adult activities might be offered. The costs are usually minimal and it might help actually doing something physical as well as mental.

Well, that's all for now. I see my therapist next week, so I will see how this week goes. I've stayed sober so far, not playing the game and little by little I'm feeling positive about myself. This is a good thing.