Living with Addiction - Day 93

Well...almost 100 days sober from my gambling addiction.

Yes, they keep emailing me to play their Ceasars's Slots. I smile and quickly delete their email.

It's been quite a ride, and I'm thankful for everyone who has been supportive of me in this time of my life. My therpaist is amazing and I have a counsil through my job's health program which has also been great. My dearest bro bro, she's amazing - and Jordan who has so much on her plate right now yet she still worries about me and finds the time to check in.  My dearest friend KC who moved to the Peoria area I think maybe 6 years ago, if not longer, still checks in on my.  I'm so fortunate for all these great people and a few other women in my life that have been instrumental.

It's been a busy few weeks. I started my Kindle Direct Publishing course last Thursday, which was fabulous. Amazon has a program called Kindle Create which takes your word document and converts in the file format required for Kindle Direct Publishing. This Thursday we are suppose to work in kindle create, so I'm hoping I can pick up the applications and it's not too confusing. If I can do that, it's key for me to do self-publishing. I've already reached out to Rowan and she is interested in editing the 2nd book. She did such a terrific job on the first book. She is also a publisher, but royalty split was very high considering her publishing company does not have the resources or financial backing to help promote a book. I'm not mad at her about that, but I really needed to get my name out there.  I'm hoping that Dorrance will be that answer since I'm paying them. Right now though, because I pay them monthly, I am not seeing any results or measurements to say they were successful or not. They will re-release the first book which will also be an e-book and nook as well for Barnes and Noble and various other resources that will help promote the Series. Ideally, if all goes well, around the same time Dorrance releases book 1, book 2 will be out and I can piggy back off of the first book.

I still have to figure out a marketing and promotions plan as Amazon does not handle that, although I think they do some marketing but it's probably just their search engine through key words, etc. So, even if I can get the book out there, there will still be costs to try and promote the book. There is definitely an advantage to have a publishing service do all of that, but again, it's expensive. 

I keep putting together puzzles which has really made a difference in keeping a more healthy routine, but puzzles can cost as well, but it is much easier to manage than going into credit card debt. I have some recourse though, once mid-October rolls around as I will be able to use some money I had put aside to pay off those credit card debts I incurred due to the gambling issue.  I am still in good shape, because the extra money is not coming from my 401K or my MMC pension and I'm not having to tap into the heloc line of credit. I just had to replace the old fridge so that will start costing me monthly as the purchase is interest free for 12 months only. I'm hoping with the influx of extra cash this will put me back in the black so I can breath financially better. 

I'm looking forward to my trip in late October. I really do need to get away, hopefully I'll finish up the first draft of the book. Rowan told me November she would have the time to do the edits, so I will have her put together a time frame and her costs which I will support. I think after the last time we did not have any type of contract or agreement in place and that made me nervous. She was very honest though I think that's why it was easy to go to her and say I wanted the reversion of rights so I can go with a larger publishing house. She very much understood. So, this time around, things will be a little different with her which will work for both of us. She gets paid for her editing services but no royalties from the sales of the 2nd book nor the 1st.

Other than that, I keep rolling along.  I'll check back soon.

Living with Addiction - Day 79

I'm feeling well.  I can't believe this gambling thing seems to have been kicked.

I have not had any desire to play. I have found other things that have stimulated me.

I'm thinking this might be my last entry on this subject matter, although maybe I'll post stuff here and there on this.

Today, I'm focusing on re-acclimating back into the office for work. Upper Management has asked that we come in at least two days a week now.  My only fear is that my clothes will still fit.  I do worry about my weight, I don't think that will ever go away. But the costs for Seattle Sutton, even for weekend only meals was getting difficult for me to manage financially.  I am hoping I can return to it, once I pay off the hefty debt I incurred due to the gambling game.  I have to wait till mid-October to take what little money I invested, back. It is kind of bitter sweet, because I lost money. It is not easy starting with so much and finding out you've made nothing. I realize I have not kept it in the IRA for a long time for it to maybe work for me, but that unknown... losing money was not something I felt comfortable with. Of course, I am not happy that I have to take what is left and apply it towards my debt, but at least I will get to debt free.

Oh, by the way, my fridge finally went out, well, at least the water filteration system failed. The fridge part is still working, but it was time. The fridge was 20 + years old, so it lasted much longer than I ever conceived.  So, my new one is coming Friday. It was not too expensive, so I will have interest free payments for 12 months. This should be easy to pay off, especially since my other credit cards will have a zero balance. I'm still paying for Dorrance Publishing, and I know they really can't do much until they get the rest of service fee that was agreed upon, which I hate, but it is still cheaper than trying to self - publish. Although, I will not stay with them for my 2nd book.

I have two sessions at College of Dupage coming up on Kindle Direct Publishing, so I am hoping I can learn enough about Amazon's application for publishing my 2nd book. The two sessions are Sept 21 and Sept 28. It was only $69 to register for the class. Before I forget, I started bowling last Thursday, it was so much fun. I finally parted with my old bowling shoes.  I had gotten a new pair last year, so that I would be more comfortable when I bowled and they are broken in now, so there was not a need to hang on to the old pair.

Seems like many things are moving into my next era, or stage of life, which makes sense, as in April of 2024, I will turn 60. Wow, time has flown for sure.

Living with Addiction - Day 74

Good Morning Fans of ThruSquiresEyes -

Wow! It has been a long haul trying to remain gambling free from the Caesars Slots Facebook game. I will admit, I do miss it, but the costs are far higher than the enjoyment and stimulation I felt. I think the time was more about finding new stimulation. I'm in that time of your life where you re-evaluate and I think, maybe I was not getting any kind of stimulation mentally or emotionally from the core group of my friends. I know they all got things going on, it is hard though, since most of them are coupled, so they do couple stuff with other couples.  The single folks in our group I know from social situations but I would not call them my deeply rooted friendships.  

I went to Renaissance Faire with a very close friend - man, we are sooo much alike. She gets me, I get her. We seem to travel well, and she told me I was a good co-pilot with directions and all.  She has been my saving grace, she was there when I had the breast biopsy and she was there, long ago, when I had the breathing issue and I was hospitalized.  Gosh, I almost died then. My hemoglobin had dropped so low as I had a bleeding ulcer. So, hemoglobin produces oxygen production and circulation, etc., so no wonder I had trouble doing the most basic of things, like walking to the garbage bin to take out my trash.

She has gone thru a rough patch as well, so we've leaned on each other.  She is intelligent and absolutely fascinates me, perhaps, this is why I did not fall prey to playing the FB game again. We have lots in common and I think our conversations stay interesting.

Anyway, at the Ren Faire, I got another knife, since I love knives, although my curio cabinet is so full of them, I'm almost running out of room to add more, so this piece I bought is in my bedroom. I got a reading done by this fabulous seer, she hit things on the spot. First card I think she pulled must have been the empress, and she said WHOA! I was a force to be reckoned with.  She said, probably not till 2025 before I will have that deeper relationship, and she said, it will be subtle so look for signs, if not, it will pass you by. Health-wise, she said I live past my parents, but to be aware of joint issues. May limit me a little bit if I plan on working pass 65 - although she said, probably not till I'm in my 70's that my health could get challenging but nothing she felt I couldn't handle.

So, far so good.  I keep striving.  Finished another 1000 piece puzzle, damn I totally love these, working on my third now.

Today I'm taking my two very dear friends out to dinner for their 15th anniversary. Them as well, have been so supportive my whole life, I've known them for like 25 years or more.  I am truly blessed.

Bye for now.

Living with Addiction - Day 69

I think it's safe to no longer add up the days I've remained GAME free, but it's kind of nice seeing them in the title of these posts.

So, I've been reading this book The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.  It is fascinating and I have only read the first chapter or so. A very dear friend suggested it to me and said to take what I can from it but try not to get overwhelmed by all the research notes and stuff.  This is true, the HSP (highly sensitive person) can get overwhelmed quickly. 

I took the book's self-test and was amazed that I answered True to 16 of the 23 questions. Dr. Aron indicates that if you select True of 12 of the questions you are considered highly sensitive. The questions were so logical to me and I did not have to think before I answered. No struggle or hesitation. I've reprinted a few of the questions below that hit me the most; I want to be sure Dr. Aron gets credit.

1. Other people's moods affect me

2. I am easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens close by.

3. I am deeply moved by the arts or music. (I kind of like this one because I cry a lot from watching TV or movies. I've had friends make comments like you're way too sensitive)

4. I startle easily

5. I am conscientious

6. I get rattled when I have a lot to do in a short amount of time

7. Changes in my life shake me up (I just had a melt down when our payroll was switched to bi-weekly, whereas for 20 years of my working adult life I got paid on the 15th and 30th.) I still struggle with it even today and the change went into effect Jan 1)

8. I find myself needing to withdraw during busy days, into bed or into a darkened room or any place where I can have some privacy and relief from stimulation

9. When people are uncomfortable in a physical environment I tend to know what needs to be done to make it more comfortable (like changing the lighting or the seating). I find this especially true when I was out with someone who needed to sit on the edge of the row in a theater, or when she was scared to be left by herself at a concert.  I think this question hit me the most because I am also sensitive to these scenarios so I recognized these in others who are also 'like me'

10. I tend to be very sensitive to pain (which could be why you'll read about my adventures in BDSM where I spent many years in the community - I can't tell you how many times, having a little pain made me feel alive and took away, much of the numbness I was feeling after being abandoned by my parents)

11. I try hard to avoid making mistakes or forgetting things (this is especially apparent when I look for job prospects, as they tend to be positions I am over-qualified for) and why I need routine in my jobs.

12. I make it a high priority to arrange my life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations (again, especially true here when it comes to social situations. I almost have to build myself up to go into those situations and when I do, I usually remain observant of my surroundings and sit closest to the door so I can bolt in an instant if need be)

So, as you can see, this is just the 12 I added here, there were 4 more that I checked TRUE, but they were almost similar as these 12, which is why I did not include them.

I cannot wait to tell my therapist about this book and see if she has any thoughts on it. I see her next Tuesday.  Next week will be busy. We have the labor day holiday Monday, Tuesday, I meet with therepist, Wednesday I am taking two of my dearest friends out for dinner to celebrate their 15 year anniversary and Thursday, starts bowling. Wahoo!

Ta ta for now.

Living with Addiction - Day 59

So, one more day, and it will be 2 months since giving up my Caesars Slots FB game. I'm so grateful for everyone that has checked in to let me know that they are there. It means so much to me to have these very special types of long term friendships. It's interesting, today I celebrate my cat Merlin's 20th birthday. He has been in my life for almost as long as everyone else has that I call friend.

I continue to make great strides in kicking the habitual gambling habit. I am feeling so much better about myself and what I have accomplished thus far. My writing continues to be creative as I'm up to 28,000 words in book 2 of The Order of the Wolf, Species Chronicles series. I have to give myself a big hug because I took a couple of days off of work and with all that downtime, I did not break and play the slots game. This is monumental, because I think the trigger may have been too much downtime, not enough social interaction, isolation, etc., but this long weekend was necessary. I think I was feeling a little burnt out from work. The last few times I took off, I had medical and health stuff to handle, so it was not like I truly took vacation time.

I was, however, a little bummed that my bestie had to reschedule our dinner at Coopers Hawk. She was not feeling well at all, so I definitely want her to get better. Her and I have not had a dinner with each other since before covid. We rescheduled for next week, and I'm very much looking forward to it. I just hope she feels better by this Friday as her band will be preforming at this quaint place in Lombard called Shannon's Deli. Her band is purely acoustic, lots of oldies and sing alongs.  I love it.

Anyway, today, I go back to work, but at least I am still home. Wednesday, though, I will go into office. It is also the day we are going to hang out for dinner. I love these little dinner plans with co-workers. We are such as small department now, and we all are still feeling safer working from home, so it's rare we get to see each other. It should be a short week. September is almost here, which means bowling starts. I am looking forward to that as well. Our league is a great group of folks, and we bowl every other Thursday which is nice. It is a long season, but so much fun.

I toast to Merlin and myself. Love you my lil man, happy birthday.