When One Chapter Ends another Begins...

I've spent most of my life in this kind of flux where constant change is occurring.  It's not that I'm never satisfied I just think I am always a work in progress.  Through most of my adult years I've had to struggle keeping my head up and feet on the ground accepting the bad with the good.  Now at 50 I'm filled with another wave of change.  It's quite scary sometimes when you make decisions that rock your very core.  You've spent most your life waiting for that moment when it finally comes together but at the same time you are filled with uncertainty if this new existence is the right one now.  

There have been many significant times in my life and I suppose it goes with the territory of being a warrior always on the battlefield conquering anything that stands in my way. After all we are just simple people trying to survive in a world that doesn't always have our best interests at heart.  I've spent the last couple of months in a war between health and prosperity. I almost died in March when my hemoglobin dropped diminishing my red blood cell count which in turned caused breathing issues. Luckily, it turned out to be a bleeding ulcer and not a heart condition.  I'm thankful the doctors repaired that.  At the same time I changed jobs which I think I would have preferred to have happened later rather than now. And before I can even decompress from all of that, I moved to Elk Grove Village from Wheeling to be closer to the new job in Itasca. What still remains a mystery is why with all this joy and positiveness, I fear that it will be taken away from me. This unnerving feeling I know has always been with me so I'm unsure as to why it would be any different this time.

It's not just my professional life that's undergoing change, my personal life as well.  Things that I have gravitated to in the past are now coming to an end.  I've embraced newer activities and people but yet I still feel attached to my previous life.  So much of that world made me who I am today.  In some ways I feel like the leather world I was a part of was like a parent and now I'm the child, grown up and off on my own, leaving the nest I suppose.  I think we are always growing and things that we needed in our 20s and 30s is never the same when you hit 40s and 50s.  It's part of maturity, although scary.  But am I ready for it? The leather world was like having a protected armour as I felt this overwhelming sense of belonging and safety I had been missing when I felt abandoned by my family when I came out to them.  I suppose I have always wanted to be a part of something, too belong, a pack-mentality I've accepted within me.   What is profound is that I've recently realized that I've been a part of multiple packs but never had one of my own.  I suppose this need to branch out and find my own pack is now a necessity to maintain my continued survival.

I think the chaos has taking me out of my comfort zone and now that things are finally grounded I can get back to me. I spent sometime recently with a very dear friend who reminded me that if I'm not emotionally and physically healthy, I can't be there for others. She has always been my conscious watching, observing on the sidelines waiting to catch me if I should fall. I never realized how much she's meant to me through our many years together. She also reminded me how overwhelming these past few months have been and not everyone would have come through it the way I did.  I told her I had decided it was time to seek a professional as I've been able to handle things thus far but now I sense this kind of stuck existence.  Not sure of what will come next or what is missing that needs to be found. I suppose it is my higher self, finding the passion within myself again, or is it the lover who could not emotionally connect, or maybe it's the warrior who has been there for others so often that it's time for her to take a step back and heal whatever seems to be ailing, rather it's this anxiety of losing it all, or being afraid to embrace a new self or rediscovering a part of me I may have kept buried purposely until such a time it could be dealt with safely. Whatever it is, I owe it to myself to find out and unlock this new mystery invading my land.

Undefinable

Over the past year or so I've met a couple of ladies that are not a part of my leather family and friends. It's been a long time since I was open to meeting new people not from the leather community, let alone, allowing them into my private world, heart and soul.  But sometimes there are occasions where you meet someone who is so overwhelmingly rare who stimulates your mind and touches you in ways that are undefinable. I've come to experience extraordinary feelings, caught between deep friendship and what I would have liked to have been a romantic potential, but I have not been able to keep a handle on my emotions.  In order to deal, I've tried to adapt leather perspectives and power exchange dynamics in order to help define this meaningful connection for me.

It's rare to meet someone that makes you think standing up, clarifying every thought, action, ideal, moral compass, viewpoint and even how you see others and what they mean to you even if it is a hypothetical rendering. Having someone pick my brain is like a chess match. A series of ongoing moves and countermoves. I have had success from time to time with these opportunities and I've been able to keep up but sometimes I feel like I've crashed and burned 'cause there were times I had no answer. I always try to be honest which is a Catch 22 because people ask questions and I give my opinion and if I'm not careful, they may not like the responses they get. And if I'm not quick enough to explain, I just feel horrible, like I hurt them somehow even if I didn't do it on purpose.

The relationships and dynamics in the leather world allow for symbiotic power exchanges where even if you are playing the role of submissive, does not denote 'lesser'.  In fact, it takes a very strong person to give up some level of power to another. People who are able to transfer power to another are very rare. But in any case both roles are equal when it comes to power exchange, just depends on what is negotiated and who is playing what part and when. For me, I have found equal joy in my submission as well as my dominance. I have a very adaptable personality and I primarily defer to another or follow one's lead, and even when I think I am in the driver's seat, the one in the sub role always has the power. I'm merely what they need me to be. And I've accepted this realization because I understand myself and know what I need too.

In any relationship there is give and take.  People are complimentary and usually provide something to the other that meets a need, want or desire in them. Traits, characteristics, intelligence, and experiences are mutually shared and even in vanilla relationships, there is power exchange. It's just that the leather world provides a variety of ways to expressing those types of power and gives voice to it, and terminology. This can also be a limitation because the community tends to compartmentalize the connections and promotes basic primal instincts that are most often black and white with very little grey.  At least that has been my experience.  

For my part, I've been guilty without malicious intent of transferring those ideals to others who are not 'of my leather world'.  I've had a lot of time to think on what I experienced and realize that I was trying to fit circles into squares. I'll have to find a more unselfish way in understanding my relationships to non-leather folk 'cause it's important to me and my ongoing desire to belong. And even though there are some similarities between the two worlds, the differences must be respected. And what I've re-learned is that in my leather world I enjoy playing the role that is negotiated for a set amount of time but in my search for that special someone, the power exchange can not always be as black and white.

Peace 

Still Catching My Breath

Today I was able to walk from my apartment to the front of the complex to retrieve my mail. I then took a hot shower and dried myself off, hung up the towels on the rack behind the door then went to my bedroom and put on my favorite boxers and a t-shirt. To most these tasks we take for granted, but to me, these steps were signs that my health is improving.  I spent the last few months watching the things that I do everyday become difficult. From walking to my car, carrying groceries, taking out the trash and even talking. I was having breathing issues, stopping and starting, hoping to catch a stop light so that I can rest during the five or six blocks from Union Station that I've been doing everyday for the past three years since my office moved to Wacker and Randolph from Monroe and Canal.  

This past Friday I woke up and found myself afraid to walk to work.  Perhaps it was my mind's way of telling me I need to check into a hospital. In addition to the breathing issues, I was dealing with a hacking cough that kept lingering as this winter's weather has certainly been a factor but I was also fully aware that heart issues run in my family.  My father was 58 when he died of congestive heart failure and my mom was probably 56 when they put the stent in her arteries to help her breathe better. Me, I'll be turning 50 shortly, so I prepared for the worse but hoped for the better, thinking pneumonia could be the culprit. When I got to Northwest Community Hospital in Arlington Heights, I was stunned to find out after they reviewed my blood workup that my hemoglobin was at 4.8. The average is about 12.  They explained that my red blood cell count was dangerously low which adversely affects the amount of oxygen produced.  The heart can only compensate so far but with any extra exertion, breathing becomes labored and heart palpatations become common. They diagnosed me as Anemic.  Their job, to find out what was causing the slow blood lost.

They did a endoscope to look in my upper intestine and confirmed I had a bleeding stomach ulcer.  Of course I have no idea how that happened, although I'm almost sure stress has something to do with it as these past few months have been very difficult with work especially and dealing with internal struggles between identity and belonging to two worlds, leather and the lesbian community. Both are a part of me, but the complexity and differences between the two center mostly around following the masses or creating your own individuality. It's no secret that I've always felt I was wired differently but my journey into leather helped me feel a sense of belonging and purpose, confidence, sex-appeal and most importantly self-esteem.  Sure I had friends in the lesbian world but I still felt like an outsider, not relating to the narrow-mindedness that I was confronted with. This past year or so I met some new friends that sort of gave me faith again in the lesbian community. Unfortunately, no one in that group wants an intimate relationship with me. My friends have always been like family and I would be loss without them so I'm grateful everyday for that, especially this past weekend while I was in the hospital. I was truly humbled by everyone who came to see me or contacted me via text or phone and surprised by those that showed which were unexpected. Not to take away from any of them, but I've always wanted that one person that honestly gets me, all of me and sometimes I wonder if that will ever happen. 

The doctor was able to cauterize the tear and stop the bleeding.  I stayed in the hospital for three days and received a blood transfusion, 3 pints in all.  With everything to their specs I was able to go home but they did say it would take time to rebuild the hemoglobin because when I left the hospital it was at about 8.4 still not 12.  I haven't been surprised that my breathing would still be difficult, my only hope is that it continues to improve as it did today.  Still, I've never been more afraid than now.  I have not been able to erase the outlines of the tape marks where they inserted the IVs and took and gave me blood. Sometimes at night when I sleep I wonder if I will wake. I count my blessings that I have friends in both worlds that were there for me and that for once I didn't have to choose between the lifestyles so that I wouldn't be alone. 

Not Built for Comfort But for Speed

I met a girl last night at Touche. It was the Illinois Leather Pride & Fetish event weekend. I believe this was the third year that the event has been in existence. The turn out at the bar was awesome, packed with all sorts of gorgeous men and women of leather in the Chicago Scene.

I've seen her around over the past year or so as she is very good friends with a couple of people who are Associate Members of the Chicago Leather Club. But last night I finally had a chance to get to know her better. Well it seemed more like she was getting to know me better as we watched the contestants go through their speeches and show off their best outfits and of course some skin which is always a turn on for any body male or female. 

With the crowd in full force, she stood behind me very close. I can feel her melodic breathing in my ear, slipping her hand underneath the left shoulder of my leather vest.  It had been quite awhile that someone had made a move like that on me. I myself, reached back with my hand and placed it on her thigh and gave her a little squeeze and begain rubbing her thigh up a little higher and her breathing got a little heavier. But like I said, I've seen her around and this past December at the Chicago Leather Club's Annual General Meeting and potluck it was obvious that we definitely had some kind of chemistry. She had made it clear that even though she lives in Dallas she is out here in Chicago at least couple times a month. 

Hm...she describes herself as a Femme Tom Boy.  I like that 'cause it actually fits her. She is built a lot like me, a little taller than I, voluptuous, short hair, kind of a bounce in her step and stride when she walks. She is confident, younger than me and although our experiences coming up into our leather are different, her coming up through the ranks in the gay-male leather scene and mine through a hetereosexual group, she is just discovering that there are lesbians out there too and she has begun her campaign meeting and hanging out with women who identify as either bi, gay or trans.

I miss how easy it is meeting and connecting with someone in this lifestyle.  There doesn't seem to be any pretense or game playing.  She was so straight forward with her interests including her single status which right now in her life is very important.  She isn't looking for a long-term relationship, she is poly and enjoys exploration sexually, mentally and physically with women and men. But she mentioned that its been tough finding a women who is also a switch, being both dominant or submissive, top or bottom, and enjoys a little rough housing as well as tenderness in play as well as in sexuality.  Wow, I thought to myself, a girl after my own heart.  Time will tell as we continue to get to know each other.  I'll be in Dallas for SPLF in a few weeks and she has already told me she will be there and hopes we have some time together. Oh yea, it will happen.

I don't get the impression that she moves slow with her intent or her actions.  I like that about her.  We are very much a like in some ways thus far although it's clear that she is NOT builit for comfort, definitely for speed. She is a good-time girl, looking to build friends with benefits and ongoing play partners that fit her multiple personalities.  I can understand why she stays single.  She is a lot like I was when I first came into the leather lifestyle so I can definitely get her energy and her passion.  She is still exploring herself and her role in this lifestyle.  

I look forward to seeing her again in Dallas.  

Peace

Turning 50 -

This upcoming year will be an interesting one as I will be turning the big 50 in April.  I'm looking forward to celebrating this milestone with all of the very special people in my life who have been there through the years when my biological family was unable to.  I've been very fortunate that after coming out to my parents I had found a good group of friends to help ease the pain of abandonment from my family.  It was a tough time in my life. I'm grateful everyday for the many blessings I've received through the years.

But before the big event, this year finds me doing a lot more traveling than in the past.  It's been a long time since I've gone to more than one leather event. First week in March I will be in Dallas for the South Plains Leather Fest. I'm quite humbled by this event because both the Chicago Leather Club and the Leather Heart T-Clan in Dallas have pulled together to make this possible for me financailly. I am also looking forward to catching up with JLube Jack and his family who I've come to know through the years.  Him and his extended leather family were originally from Chicago and have been in Dallas now for at least 7 years if not more. I've also noticed that since they've been gone my interest in leather has lessened.  I think it's because when they were living in Chicago, I was never alone. They always looked after me which was a definite advantage when you are exploring sexuality, submission, pain or pleasure. I always felt safe and any events that I was invited too, I always knew I can count on them to get me there in one piece and without it costing me a lot of money. They were all about having me there with them. 

It's quite a heady feeling to be loved and wanted so much.  It was so significant all those years ago I think because they were my parent's age and kind of assumed a very parental role in my life after being dismissed by my biological family who could not handle the gay-thing. It's not that I didn't feel that love from my vanilla friends, but the lesbian world can be a bit fickle if you are single.  In my earlier leather years, most of my vanilla friends were in couples so they leaned more towards doing couple things and I never felt comfortable because it made me feel more alone, not having someone special to share those experiences with. I was fortunate though to have a few partnerships back than so I could enjoy the idea of belonging. 

It's been a bit more exciting over these past couple of years as I've met more single people in my age group, so it's nice to just hang out, shoot pool, play softball, watch football and enjoy good food and drink. It's helped alot because I had found myself a little out of sorts from my leather life whereas most of the people I know now are not single. They go out and do the couple thing and travel to events so I haven't quite felt like I belonged. This drive to belong seems to be a running theme. Even a lone wolf wants to belong to a pack and I believe that has been the force behind most of my personal decisions. I think that's why the CLC folks and the Dallas clan came together so that I can feel apart of everything leather again. I'm sure they sensed my less than enthusiastic social need for leather and found a way to look after me once again. 

At the end of March, I will be in Nashville for an event which will be interesting because the Conductors Run will primarily be gay-male oriented whereas the SPLF event is more straight-oriented.  The guys tend to drink more with lots of cocktail parties and of course hooking up. The other event is more like workshops, seminars and contests.  It will be awesome to enjoy both types of events.  Then in August I will be headed to Indy again for GLLA. So this year will absolutely find me steeped in the leather world once again.  I was also voted in as VP for the Chicago Leather Club. Being an officer will lend itself to being out and about more often. Perhaps that's what I need.  I feel like I've been stradling two worlds for so long. Just not sure I have the energy to do both any more. I am so layered when it comes to my interests that each world benefits me in some ways but not enough to choose between the two.

I suspect that this year will be a lot of change and decision-making.  It's already started.  

Peace