Living with Addiction - Day 6

As I promised, I would try to journal everyday.

Yesterday I had my session so I could let my therapist know what was going on with me. She was fantastic as always. She agreed that I have two separate things going on, one with the gambling addiction and the other I will call fear of vulnerability. This is very much tied to my body and how I look. I will address this in a separate blog as I want to keep those feelings and thoughts separate from the gambling. I will probably call that other article Safely in Vulnerability.

So, the good news is that my next sessions with my therapist will be easy to pay for. I don't know if I mentioned this early on, but I had to get a biopsy of my right breast. They had found a nodule and after the first mammo and then additional views, plus the ultra sound, they wanted to take a biopsy. Thankfully, the nodule was benign. The procedure probably couldn't have come at a better time because the insurance paid for this and now I've met my deductible, which allows my sessions with my therapist to be covered like 80%. So, from what we discussed, she said, that it will cost me out of pocket about $26.00. This is a long way from the $127 I had been paying.  This gives me a good opportunity to see her more consistently as I press on through my addiction. Of course, I had to still pay lots of money for the biopsy procedures, radiology, etc., so my two credit cards are close to being maxed out. I know I can pay off those cards if I use the extra money from my mom's estate that I have put aside, but for now, I want to get a hold on this addiction before I do that.  I told my therepist that it was strangely comforting because I honestly cannot afford to charge anything else, which is good and bad. For some reason, psychologically it is like a fail safe because I can't financially afford to play the game. I don't want what happened before to happen again whereby I pay it off then I charge again. Controlling the addiction needs to come first, but I will take any support I can even if it is illogical.

My therapist also brought to my attention that when I've played the game I probably felt 'seen' or 'special'. I said that made sense because I was assigned an account rep who is always checking in, reminding of new challenges coming, and I've even received gifts like for my birthday I got some shower beads, candles, some candy, and a little notebook. One time, I think it was Christmas they sent me a box of organic tea. So, what she sees is that part of my need to play to game could be tied to receiving positive attention, also might be meeting a loneliness I could be feeling as through these Covid years, I have isolated more.  Yes, my therepist feels this need is also tied to boredom and idleness. I explaiined that when I first stopped the game, I was walking around my condo agitated, it was almost like anxiety, as if I didn't know what to do with myself and I even felt a bit nauseated and disoriented, like getting lost in a crowd at a concert. She said, she wasn't surprised. I told her I immediately started writing which seemed to calm me down. This is a good thing she acknowledged, because part of joy is this kind of leisurely feeling, especially if your normal work week can be stressed, etc.

It has been a good morning so far. I paid my bills as I got my check today, so filling up my time is always beneficial to limit downtime open to tempt me into playing the game. My session last night gave me some good starting points. She did encourage me to look at gamblersanonymous.org site to give me options if I want to work with a group or just read stuff. She said they have activities and suggestions to work on the problem individually as well as if you decide to attend meetings which are all over the states, plus you can do it through zoom. She also told me that I was on the right path to replace the game with some other activity that could bring on the euphoria I felt when I played the game. I was also reminded that when I was in the leather culture, I was very much in control of everything and the attention was positive and sensual and extremely intense. I am no longer in that world as I once was, so it is possible that playing the game was giving me what I got in that culture as a substitute.

She did caution, that replacing the game could prove difficult because I was getting such a high that finding another source may not provide the full capacity of joy I felt with the game. She didn't believe that reading a book would do anything, so she said that I should include activities that are well, active. Rather this be going for a quick walk outside for a while, minor exercise, yoga, or even listening to music, but to choose music that would motivate dancing, and to avoid medatative sounds as it probably would not give me that good vibration so to speak. She told me to keep journaling as that is always good since I enjoy writing so much. I did mention that I've gotten back to writing my second book, and this is also encouraging she said. All in all it was a great session. I'll write a little more about what we discussed with the whole feminity and vulnerability thing in my next post. Hm, The Vulnerability of Feminity, might be a good title.

Living with Addiction - Day 5

Good Morning!

As I continue my journey, today has started off well, avoiding the Ceasars' Slots game and writing seems to be doing the trick so far.  However, my very dear friend, who popped by to check in on me last night, reminded me that I could be in what she calls a honeymoon phase, where everything is just dandy and is working. Addiction is something you battle with always and she said I may have days that I fail miserably but other days, stay strong, but this is okay, you are still okay. I so appreciate her honesty and psychiological view. She is gifted in that way. Of course she remains encouraging and complimentary that each day I stay, well, rather, sober, is a good thing. She also reminded me to stay on track with seeing my therapist.

She did offer up something I had not considered as I continued to analyze the reasons why. She mentioned that due to my intelligence and analytical or cerebral processes, in our conversation, she felt I had turned off emotionally, as if passing through the pain and disappointment by the use of my brain but not allowing the vulnerability of being out of control emotionally, sadness, depression, fear, etc., in other words, to actually feel this addiction in my core not just touching the surface or skating by. She suggested I look into hypno-therapy and felt it would unlock my emotions that are probably so deeply guarded that I've relied more on my analytical mind to solve problems but neglect the emotions that should not be ignored or glossed over.

As night progressed she had asked how last Friday went. My dearest friend Angie's band had played at Shannon's Deli. I told her that I felt invisible, which was weird. Normally I do not go out with the intent of being 'noticed', but whatever I felt caused me to trigger those hidden feelings of being unloved, unattractive, unwanted, or not good enough.  Of course I've been dealing with that all my life, it is the main reason why my mom and I were volatile. I was never good enough for my mom, she was always making comments like the extra weight isn't attractive, you'll never meet anyone.  I had struggled with identity through my high school years, my mom would pick out my clothes, help me apply make up, even do my hair because she wanted me to look a certain way when I would leave out of the house. These types of grooming things were never a part of my life before high school. I was a tomboy, wore comfy shoes and clothing and was active, playing basketball or soccer or anything else with the guys on my block as my girlfriends had no interest in that stuff, so I gravitated towards athletics and team sports. There is a certain kind of belonging I felt and I had a role that was unique to my skills that gave me joy whenever our team won a game.

Anyway, I had to back up to figure out if there was anything I did differently to account for my depression after the event. It started with what I wore. I had on a pair of stetchy black pants that are tight at the ankles, a pair of grey boots and I wore this dark purple button down short-sleeved shirt that fit well untucked from my pants. I've been wearing longer shirts as they compliment my extra weight and curves. This is a fairly new look for me, but my mind sees this new me as rather feminine. Most of what I wear would probably be considered masculine, like men's blue jean shorts that almost hit my knees, socks and gym shoes or combat or hiking boots. It's a rather outdoorsy look. I have short hair but I'm also very curvy so through my adult years I've worn clothes that fit a little baggy but still looked appropriate for my build. I've had to adapt this to my work environment as well to meet their requirements for attire.

Here's the kicker. When I was younger, I was super feminine, some would say high femme, which is usually defined as a very girly girl look, dresses, tight skirts, or tight pants, tucked in blouses, crisp belts to match with shoes, etc., earings, longer, curly hair. Not at all how I present myself these days. During those more feminine times, I received a lot of unwanted attention from boys in the neighborhood. A few times, proved dangerous, one time, I was in a compromising position at a party with a guy I liked but didn't want to go any further than kissing, but he was all over me, and the whole experience was negative and frightening and I managed to get out of his place before anything escalated.  A second time, my prior fiancee who I had broken up with came over one night and was very drunk, well, things got very out of hand quickly. I had told him in our past conversations that I was gay, so of course he immediately came to my house that night, to make me straight, so to speak. I was so scared that I did not fight him off, he was stronger than I, and I really thought he would physically harm me, so I didn't fend him off, it went further. Both these situations were considered rape. Also during these times were when my mom kept badgering me about how I look and that I won't find someone because I'm fat and ugly. So, to make a long story short, I've equated danger, pain, embarrassment with femininity and weight loss. I'm not sure how on target I am with this, but back in the day, I had a therapist and she helped me through these situations by going through the pain, not just understanding the discomfort. I know that when I left the event Friday night, I asked someone to walk me to my car. I don't believe I would have felt a need to do that if I was dressed in my rather boying, butch attire, so to speak.

Self-Esteem is a big reason why I am who I am today. For some reason, once I rebelled against the society view of feminity well at least my mother's perspective, I found my own kind of look that was comfortable to me that I felt safe in and I wrapped myself in the armour of being a little overweight. I think this has a lot do do with control. I also believe that part of the reason why I found my way into the Leather Scene was that their protocols and ways of interracting are very much about controlling a situation. Even if you are a masochist, you allow the sadist to administer pain or pleasure and if you don't want their attention, you simply use a safe word and the behavior is halted. BDSM is a very symbiotic way of interracting, plus I did love this life because it was fascinating and I enjoyed how I felt whever I would interract with a specific person in the controlled environment. Through the years, I did find other ways to bring me happiness and a kind of grew out of that time period in my life. But it taught me a lot. Could be that lately since I'm no longer in a place where I remain in control, has tripped me up as life doesn't always allow you to control things all the time. I don't know but I will definitely bring these things up with the therapist today when I meet with her.  For now, I'm gonna sign off.

Living with Addiction - Day 4

My morning ritual now starts with writing in this blog. Of course, I must have my coffee and breakfast. Oh yes, almost forgot, I have been back on the Seattle Sutton program for a couple of weeks. You can choose how many weeks to receive their food, so they don't just charge your account continuously. I found this is a better way to keep track of the finances. It is not a cheap program to be on, but when I think about it, you get 21 full meals for the week, 3 each day including your weekend. But, with shipping, it is about $185 a week. But here's the kicker, I went off of this to not task my card, but yet, what dawned on me is that in the last month or so, my credit card due to playing the Ceasars' Slots game would have not only covered food for at least three months but it also would have paid the up front costs to the publisher rather than paying them monthly. I think I cried when I realized this the other day.

Today I considered going into the office as a kind of stop gap in the morning, so less downtime would be available when I first get up. My manager has asked that I go into the office once a week, as the company is still allowing folks to do both, work at home or come in. I think this might be duable, however, since I'm still sort of fighting my weight, not many of my clothes fit as well as they could, so I've become very self-conscious about what I look and feel like if I go into the office more than once a week. I honestly do not want to invest in new clothes, because I truly feel, the minor 10 pounds I could lose by staying on the Seattle Sutton program would allow me easily to fit my clothes.

My first therapay session is tomorrow Thursday. For this one, we can do a zoom session as she has about 45 minutes available to me. I think she knows something's up as I'm pretty sure this time frame from 415-5pm is probably her dinner or break. My next one with her will be Saturday July 8 in her office. I think we'll spend this Thursday just talking about my gambling problem. I've mentioned it before to her in other sessions, but I think this time, it's not just a minor fancy, but something that has become habitual. I do not want this thing to escalate. So far, it is not affecting my job or socially as I am still partaking in events with my friends, like this weekend, I'm going to a barbecue.

It has been a good morning so far, as I got up out my bed at 5 instead of 4 and did my normal stuff, like check my bank account, get Merlin up and running so he can start his day. He stays in his room through the night so that I can sleep. For some reason, it calms him and he is not so agitated. I think my Merlin likes routines just as much as I do. I've had him now for almost 20 years. August is his birthday.  So, checking the time, it is already almost 6pm, a perfect time to get another cup of coffee, get my food, take my Iron supplement as my doctor prescribed it since my recent blood work showed the iron was low. She doesn't want my hemoglobin to drop as it did back in 2014, that was a horrible time, I couldn't even breath, I had a stomach ulcer which I still believe had a lot to do with the stress of my former job. With everything that's happen to me and yes, after I resolved the publisher thing and got the new car, I ended up having to get a biopsy on my right breast.  They had found something in my yearly routine mammo so I had to get a second round of images done and then after that, they still wanted me to get a biopsy. You can imagine how happy I was when the results came back that the nodule they found was benign.  Again, I'm wondering if all this stuff could have contributed to the escalation factor of playing the game.

One last thing for todays post.  I am writing so much for the second book in my series Order of the Wolf. This is a positive thing as I'm started to work it into the morning ritual instead of playing the game. 

Living with Addiction

Day 3: Tuesday

I've decided that it would be a good idea to begin tracking my day-to-day progress as I battle my addiction to Gambling. It's not gambling in the traditional sense as I do not win any money, like when you go to Las Vegas, but I do win tokens which allows me to continue playing this FB on-line game, Ceasars' Slots. I'm not sure how it became habitual every morning when I wake up for those three hours before my day officially starts. Interestingly, I have no desire to engage in the game any other time. At first I thought it had everything to do with having control of something in my life as I had none of it when I was caring for my mother. It was the only 'me' time I had, those 3 hours. This is going back 3 years or so now since my mother's passing and yet, I'm still playing the game, but the money I've spent to keep playing has proven costly. All because I have the money doesn't mean I should spend it this way. When my mom was ill, I would go to work everyday like normal, come home, grab a quick bite to eat for dinner, make sure Merlin, my cat, had enough food and off to mom's house I went. I would stay with her throughout the evening and when morning came, I would drive back to my place, get dressed for work and start the whole thing once more. I thought that once I was back to my normal routines, after my mother's death, my need to play the game would subside, but it didn't.

So, a few things that I think could be contributing to this need. I've known that when I was barely getting by financially, I was more conscious of my money. After my mom died, I inherited part of the condo, the rest, to be shared with my niece, and some additional funds. Most of the monetary assets I used as a downpayment for the condo, in essence, I had to buy out my niece. With the money that was left, I paid off my credit card debt. But then I ran into some issues with my car, which was 12 years old so I had to put out some more money to get it up and running again. On the flip side, I got my book out on Amazon, but I felt the publisher could have done more to help market and promote the book. They were getting 50% of the sales of the book and once you pay Amazon for their cut, and publisher, not much was left. I only sold 75 books, so I basically made about $250. This was stressful, plus to get out of the publishing contract to find another publisher who could re-release my book, it cost me more money to hire a lawyer and buy out my contract, basically this is called reverting rights. I had to get new glasses because of course, I'm getting old and age does affect your sight. I had been on the Seattle Sutton program because I ballooned to 225 pounds during the Covid year so I wanted to at least get back to a more comfortable 205-210. I've been heavy for years so it was never a goal to lose weight to match what I was back in my early 20's. Menopause and just life in general will have a say in that.  I did however, want to eat a bit more healthily. Of course, many of these things mentioned do have a lot to do with other things controlling you. So, my root cause of gambling might be due to control.

With all that I've been dealing with it's hard not to place blame, however, I have a new publisher, the money it cost me to get that going is being handled monthly. The publisher is what is referred to in the industry as hybrid, which means, the author is paying a certain fee to them as they are providing the service to do everything for you, like layout, print, marketing, promoting, etc.  This is much better as I have no time or clue about all of that. I just want to write.  Also, I bought a new car to alleviate the burden of unplanned and unspecified costs in maintaining an older vehicle.  I think I also felt that with the car payment, plus paying the publisher monthly that I would have less money to spend, thus easier to quit the game since I wouldn't have any funds to give them. However, all I did, was get back into debt with the one credit card that I used for purchasing coins/tokens to play the game. What is frustrating is that, when I initially paid off the cards, it was in preparation to handle the large car payment and the monthly publisher costs. 

Yes, it does seem funny that I'm kind of writing this in reverse, but see Days 1 and 2 below.

Day 1: Sunday

That was the first time I ever said out loud to someone 'I am in trouble, need help and have a gambling problem.' I knew she would understand and not judge. I'm still unsure if I want to tell the rest of my tight knit group of friends, who kind of had an inkling some time ago, when I felt things were under control. As we talked I kept trying to figure out what could be triggering this, thinking that once I figured it out, I could stop. She encouraged me to think about putting things in motion to curb the behaviour first, while I'm figuring it out and of course seek professional help which I have done. In fact, I did contact my therapist and put a few dates on my calendar. I still need to talk with the therapist about a sliding fee scale if she has one, as I feel I will need to be consistent in going to her to stay on top of this but that could also be very costly, especially if I meet with her once a week.  Maybe in a short-term timeframe my therapist can come up with something to ease the drain on my finances since I'm already heavy into credit card debt due to what I've spent to play the game so far. Part of my frustration is that this has been going on for a while, no sooner would I pay off the debt, I would get it back up there as the games seemed to get harder and harder to stay afloat, beat the challenges and receive the bonuses that allow for you to continue the game. I know there must be some euphoric high I'm getting which I think could be tied to my need for instant gratification which has plagued me throughout my life.

Day 2: Monday

I removed the app from my phone and my laptop. I stayed in bed a little longer than usual even if I wasn't asleep. It seems at this age, I can't sleep pass 4am. I go to bed early but even if I stay up later to watch a movie or something on TV, I still get up at 4am. I don't have to log on to my work laptop till 730am. I concentrated my time on trying something new to sort of kick start a different routine. I do like playing games, so I started playing a trivia game, that costs nothing, you just play and try to get to each level as the questions get more difficult. It's kind of cool and relaxing. I also started to play scrabble on my kindle. You can play against the computer, so again, no cost to play.  When Tuesday came I did the same thing, played some other games but also spent some time meditating. My company has a good health care program and sessions called rethink, which gives you all sorts of meditative things to do and work with. 

I still found myself trying to figure what's prompting my need. I thought about isolation, distraction, depression and loneliness, a few causes that could lead to addiction. When this all started it was during the 2020 COVID year. But at least at that time, I was finishing up my Master's Degree, and of course by 2022 I had my first book published. I am steadily working on the 2nd book which I also think is helping me to find something else exciting to do during my morning timeframe that would give me the desired results I seem to crave that I was getting from the Ceasars' Slots game. This I will monitor as I proceed.

A Lil’ Story about a Boi Named Squire

It’s interesting that I’ve spent many a year encouraging people to see all of me, not just the BDSM persona, especially in my writing and experiences. I’ve come to find out recently though, that most people are interested in the BDSM experience I’ve had more than anything else. Many people are curious and do not always have the luxury of understanding the lifestyle’s in’s and out’s, etc. This doesn’t surprise me and I’ve never been opposed to delving into its complexities with vigor. To me, education is the key and if my site is indicative of anything, it was created to allow others to share in my journey of self-discovery, awareness, belonging, ups, and/or downs and to feel as if they are traveling with me, or to live vicariously through me.  It’s in the wanting of my audience to get a glimpse into my world through my eyes, that I came up with the name of my site, Thru Squire’s Eyes.

The name Squire was given to me from a woman I was involved with early on in my BDSM lifestyle. She had told me that even in medieval times, some women hid that they were female so they could become Squires, thus obtaining education, respect and a choice to pursue knight ship.  It’s not unheard of that back in the day, it was rare that women were allowed the privilege of an education, let alone the ability to write. Also, in medieval times, the idea of a renaissance was a kind of rebirth, reawakening or new perception towards such concepts as art, science, spirituality and philosophy. A renaissance person by definition than would be one who is charismatic, well-rounded, having broad intellectual, spiritual, philosophical, and/or social experiences in pursuit of a non-traditional existence. At least this is how I understood the meaning and why I embraced the nickname Squire the moment it was bestowed upon me. Even my tattoo is etched with the name Squire in Nordic Ruins. 

By this time in my BDSM experience, the people I met within the lifestyle had suggested I go by a different name than my surname as a form of protection but I didn’t want that name to denote male or female. I also discovered that I was a switch, a person who obtains equal enjoyment from topping or bottoming (see FAQs Page).  Moreover, I did not want to feel trapped or limited to expressing female traits, physicality or personality only. I grew up with the idea of femininity forced upon me by my parents to conform to traditional female elements, like having long hair, wearing dresses, skirts, makeup, or shoes that were so uncomfortable, that I couldn’t wait to go to softball practice in my sweats and gym gear. If you spend most of your teen years without an identity of your own, it’s not uncommon to branch out in order to breathe or rebel against common practices.  

Before High School, I was always a tomboy and did not feel I should give that up for the sake of conforming to society’s gender roles. I think this is also why I gravitated towards being referred to as Boi, because I identified with it so easily although I was born biologically female. It’s also no wonder that I found my way into the BDSM lifestyle as it was a place I could grow and take back my individuality, control, identity and on the plus side, be given the opportunity to explore my sexuality, eroticism, fantasy, submission, dominance, and anything else that the majority of society would find offensive. I’ve always felt deep down I was wired differently and I’m thankful that I found my way into a world that supported that. It was also equally as important that I felt a sense of belonging that lacked in my relationships with my biological family and to still feel protected. It’s hard to believe that a lifestyle that allows for pain and pleasure could feel safe, but to me, and through my years of experience, it was safer than going on a blind date, skydiving, bungie jumping or riding a rollercoaster.

As you can see the whole concept of my site, nickname, choices, experiences, and openness, all coincide in one vast renaissance existence that continues to morph with time. 

Enjoy and Keep Reading!