Identity Shifts

Just spent a wonderful night yesterday with Big Paw and my bro puppy. Its been a long time since I had an opportunity to catch up with both of them and for some reason I always feel like I'm back on the right path again after deep discussions and revelations that always seem to occur when I'm around them.  

It has been a wonderful 15 years in the leather community and I can't tell ya how much I've learned about myself.  I've gone from being in Daddy/girl relationships where I was the girl to being the Daddy and I've explored my boy side where I have been boy to many a wonderful Mistress or Lady in addition to being a boy when I am around Big Paw who for all purposes has been that Daddy for me. Yet, the only relationship I have not explored is the Daddy/boy whereas I am the Daddy.  I never gave it much thought that I would be attracted to gals that identify as boy.  I've certainly met a few but none so far have I been attracted too in a romantic way.

This past summer, I began building a strong friendship with a cutie pie gal who I see as a boy.  I'm pretty sure she sees that part in her as well but does not identify as a leather-woman where names like boy, Daddy, etc., can mean so many different things. The interesting part of it as we do not have an intimate/physical relationship to each other but being like a Daddy figure for her has given me so much gratification that I had not experienced before.  So maybe she came into my life to let me know that I haven't looked in all the places I could for potential partners, and should not discount the Daddy/boy dynamic. And despite her not being the one for me she does bring about further changes and questions in my own identity on account of her.

It seems my whole existence has been transitions and identity shifts that I've come to understand as a part of my leather BDSM. It is impossible to come into this lifestyle without recognizing how much it would change someone.  The power dynamics that happen and relationships that grow out of a pure willingness to challenge yourself, whether the way you were raised, how you view monogamy and polygamy, deep friendships versus play partners and of course the potential for numerous friends with benefits that can have a lasting impression on you. And even though there exists all these neat little boxes that one can fit it in, it does not guarantee you will stay there at any given time as you continue to mature and meet people who's personalities and interests are just as complex and layered as yours.

In addition, this past summer has given me so many other opportunities to meet different people who have some like-minded interests as I do which is a good way to branch out and expand your network of friends but I keep running into that same narrow-minded mentality that turned me off enough, drawing me into BDSM in the first place. I believe this is because there are so many more options in the leather world that keep people from getting bored but it can be overwhelming. Even with all the different types of situations you can choose to explore, finding the right one is not a given. Although what I have noticed at least within my own maturity that fear of loneliness doesn't seem to exist as much due to what is available to an individual that makes loneliness seem like an archaic state of being. At least that's been my experience. The environment does sort of force and teach you to be strong-willed and confident in your convictions and your ability to accept and be OK with yourself while you wait for that special someone. In the meantime, there is never a dull moment. 

Last night's time with my Daddy has brought forth a re-examination of my commitment to the leather community on some level, however, the energy and passion is just not as significant as I experienced before.  Recent social events and friends in the 'vanilla world' have me enjoying for the first time in a long time opportunities that were not happening for me in my leather relationships. For the most part those relationships were primarily predicated by physical stimulation and rare intimate moments that happen in a power exchange rather you provide service, give pain and pleasure or receive it. But one thing is certain I am wired differently and what I have re-learned is that it doesn't matter what the nature of my commitment is to the community, I just know it will always be a part of me. It will be interesting to see what happens in the next few months of 2014 in my life as I feel some further decisions will need to be made.

Peace

The End of Summer Blues

Dear Universe -

Damn you! You've taken me thru so much this summer.  I must admit though it was the best summer I have ever had.  I'm fully aware of the transitions that have been taken place all around me.  Things I used to or thought I knew about myself are quickly changing.  There are always turning points in one's life and they say the Goddess never takes us through more than what one can handle, but damn you Goddess!

I just recently found out that someone I have been carrying a torch for years is moving out of state permanently.  She was a very big part of my BDSM world since I started out as a little cub. She has been there for me thru the hardest times and we've always had the most sexually charged chemistry ever. She was always in an out of my life, we just never got the timing right.  She is a very complex lady and I suppose it was why we understood each other so well. But she's just one more piece that has crumbled the foundation of my leather life. I can't imagine how things would have been if I had not allowed myself the experience of leather in all its many facets. It made me strong, confident, sexy, wanted, desired, and most importantly, that I belonged. The community became my extended family with a surrogate parent like my Daddy N who thankfully is still around. I can't imagine how much more disconnected to the leather world I would feel if I lost her too.

In the meantime, this summer has been all about meeting new friends who have intercepted me from one world and have welcomed me into their lives.  Although I still don't feel like I belong.  I have so many sides of my personality and my interests are just as wide-spread.  I just never felt like I had to choose between worlds, as I am a part of both. I am a duality and have dealt with it for years but for the first time I feel alone as if I don't belong anywhere. I'm sure all these crazy moods have more to do with menopause than anything else. Still, I have not been able to grasp the breadth of this new existence I am in now.

This summer also brought in my life a very special lady.  I always wondered if it was possible to have such a strong connection to another without sexuality.  With her its an incredibly cerebral intimacy that I have found very satisfying. I do feel like I've looked after her this year.  She's had a tough go too. We are so much alike and it still puzzles me why it couldn't be more than just friendship.  Sometimes it feels like we are seeing each other but without the drama, pretense or pressures that come from dating. I definitely don't feel like she's leading me on in any way which is good, yet I can't help feeling this deeply rooted, mind-blowing connection to her. She's vibrant and keeps me guessing and challenges my ideas and perspectives and I like that back and forth we seem to have.

I think she has special gifts that bring out the best in people and an awareness or empathetic ability to calm a troubled soul. She should be in private practice as a therapist. I'm sure that's her long-term goal but in the meantime she has opened up herself to my complexity and I find her powerful, sexy and confident, although I don't think she sees herself that way.  She has been known to say "I am still a work in progress." I know that I represent all that is good in a person. She feels safe with me, protected, loved, and she knows I would never abandon her. In fact the qualities that I bring to her are the same qualities that I have been in need of myself and in some strange way I feel some of her own ability to be a caretaker rub off on me, though she would never admit that.

Our friendship is not difficult or disconcerning for me, but I can't deny that being able to touch her more than mentally would be unbelievable but for now that's not what she needs from me. Lately I've been enjoying her playfulness as the summer has progressed and honestly, I'm ok with that.  I admit there is nothing I wouldn't do for her, and its funny she worries about being enough for someone and what I have come to realize in this short time, despite our cerebral intimacy, I may not be enough for her. Its never easy trying to let go of something you feel so strongly towards but people come into your life for many different reasons, and I believe she came into my life for me to see the possibilities of not selling myself to short and that I am more than my sexuality.  

More Confused than Ever...

I met up with my leather brothers and sisters for our monthly CLC (Chicago Leather Club) business meeting. Since I am a full and founding member of CLC, I make the time to try and get together with everyone to talk about upcoming events and fundraising initiatives, but mostly, it just feels good to hang out and stay connected. It always amazes me if I'm away from the community too long. I don't miss it as much as I did in the past, but once I see everyone again and we start talking about what's coming up, I get all excited inside. It's really strange, this life has opened my eyes to so much, yet limits me in other ways at the same time. It can get pretty confusing, trying to balance both my existences. I have other friends who are not into the BDSM lifestyle so it's always a challenge trying to plan things that don't end up on the same day as other events. I hate having to choose, but it's a double-edge sword when you have multiple interests and not enough hours in the day and too few people that understand you unconditionally and without judgement. Even harder when it comes to finding that perfect someone to share your life with.

Through the years it has been a seesaw of mixed emotions and feelings surrounding my continued involvement in the BDSM community. It never felt like a difficult choice to explore this world. I was always a kinky person and would fantasize about the combination of pain and pleasure. I had read tons of erotic literature on the subject matter so it didn't take long for me to pursue it seriously.  What I didn't count on was that I would build leather friendships that provided a sense of belonging and family. I had initially thought that intimacy could not be achieved from an environment that promotes sexual diversity and power-exchange, poly-amorous relationships, etc., although most of the people I've met in this life are quite happy with monagamy. I think I'm just wired differently which somehow drew me to this open-minded, voyeuristic and exhibitionistic sense of self-freedom I was unaccustomed to.  I always felt a kind of repressed sexuality imbedded in my Catholic upbringing as both my parents were very old-fashioned when it came to stuff especially things of a taboo nature. Even male and female roles, characteristics, traits and responsibilities were followed and adhered to the letter of mainstream society. Gosh if they only knew how wonderfully refreshing and life-altering it can be to allow yourself unlimited possibilities for sexual exploration, power exchange, mental challanges, gender-fluidity and physical expression.  

Unfortunately, the complexity that is me has been a difficult existence, having to move between both worlds. I've found that the more diverse I am the harder it is to find someone to love. I believe the problem lies in people needing to fit each other into neat little boxes.  Even within the community, that reality exists with identifying your interests or desires. We have tops, bottoms, Mistresses, Masters, Masochists, Sadists, etc. I'm not sure what the answer is as being different directly impacts me on so many levels. In the 15 years I've been associated with the BDSM world I have at times limited my involvement to allow for relationships to grow with women who are a part of my community and those who are not. I've had some positive experiences and of course some negative, but as much as I try to turn this part of me off, I simply can't. It's not that I'm opposed to compromising or tempering certain things that may be uncomfortable to my partner, but in the end, it's really about acceptance. Love should be unconditional.

Last Night

Last night has got to be the worse, uncharacteristically-like evening that I have ever dealt with.  I can't recall the last time I just fell apart sobbing uncontrollably in my best friend's kitchen trying to figure out what the hell was going on with me.  Now perhaps it's all this pre-menupausel stuff that's got me hyped up or dangerously down or it could very well have been the whole bottle of wine I went through in a short amount of time at the party. Hell, even that was unlike me as I am usually the one in my group of friends that's always been the designated driver. I suppose it could be the stress I've been enduring over the past 6 months or so with my mom's failing health and the responsibility I have taken on to help her through these difficult times. Or, the ending of a year and half relatioship with a woman, feeling like I was just used so that she can win back her abusive ex which hurt me more than she'll ever know. I worked so hard to help her through that time in her life, building her up, making her feel valued, important, special, when she was so carelessly kicked to the curb. 

I have recently considered that my transition back into lesbian vanilla life has got me in a tailspin, trying to deal with that world of secrets and uncertainty, especially when you have an interest in someone and determining if you should make that move, or not, and without hurting a friendship. Those questions keep running through my mind like a bad dream, when will it be the right time to ask that question, or am I reading the signs correctly or just thinking they mean something 'cause I need them too? In the leather world it's so much more clear cut, everything is out there and open and just seems a bit more honest, although some may argue that a place where pain and pleasure co-exists could be anything but honest. But what most people don't understand is that our mantra is 'safe, sane and consensual'. I don't know of any other group of people who follow those ideals so closely and with passionate honesty. It is so much simpler understanding what you need and want and knowing who can give it to you. Even rejection seems easier 'cause there's always someone else you can be with if the desire is there. The visually-driven and open-style communicative environment is so condusive to experiencing any and everything you can possibly imagine that it's easy to forget how to express ones' self non-verbally.

I have always been straight-up honest and it has certainly caused a down-side as people can't deal with that type of openness. I have had some tell me I should be a little less honest, and hide or choose not to reveal certain things that others may find offensive or ignorant of.  But I see keeping secrets as a sign of an inner embarrassment, a less truthful existence or something that's more menacing, ethically wrong within.  What last night did prove is that maybe I'm not as ready as I thought to come home again, or maybe I should remain in the home where I was welcomed, felt I belonged, and grew up, well ahead of my peers.

That Damn Duality

I’ve been a part of the leather alternative lifestyle since I was in my thirty’s. I had found a place where I belonged, full of wonder and curiosity. I had read quite a bit of erotic literature and was drawn to the lifestyle instantaneously. I wanted to experience it first hand and basically ‘live out’ my fantasies. But despite its many appetites, the leather lifestyle can however be discouraging if you do not identify as a top, bottom, dominant, submissive, sadist, masochist, and the occasional girl or boy. It’s unfortunate that society loves to label all things, whether merchandise or people and within my world there isn’t a big difference as we have a need to label too, mostly because the culture has a built in kind of visual communication to assist with helping one find what they are most interested in whether it’s a type of look, or activity. And if your personality has the complexity of a switch, that can be frustrating as people try to fit you into a neat little box when all you want to do is be yourself and enjoy all the various types of power exchange and / or role-playing available, depending on who you’re drawn too. We attract what we most desire, want or need at any given time in our journey of personal power and the leather environment invites and delights in a most unique way.

As with most people, I searched for that special someone to share my life and leather with. I was very active in the culture, was a founding member of the Chicago Leather Club and cultivated very strong relationships, some deep friendships, others, simply play partners and a very select few that I became intimate with. I wanted someone that was not only a part of the community but who was lifestyle-driven too. Early on it was an uphill battle trying to build a relationship because I identified as a switch, having to choose which side of the fence to play on, literally, plus, I saw myself as ‘lifestyle-driven’ rather than a ‘weekend-warrior.’ I think we all tend to go through stages and what was once necessary becomes occasional as your needs, desires and wants change as well as mature through time.  

In addition to my leather interests, I was also blessed with other friendships I gained through the years that were not leather-identified but I shied away from dating anyone 'vanilla' not for lack of trying; but if you tell most people that you enjoy the occasional pain of a flogger or the crack of a whip, the information will certainly send them running as far away from you as they can. Some folks do have a negative view of this lifestyle and unless they are willing to inquire further or ask those curious questions, trying to forge an intimate bond with someone who doesn’t get or understand you will prove difficult. Being well-rounded and complex as I am, does have its perks, but sometimes it’s a hindrance and what develops is a kind of duality that challenges your need for balance every day of your life, especially in matters of the heart, trying to meet someone else’s needs while continuing to respect your own. 

I owe tons of gratitude and thanks to the time spent in this world as I’ve learned a lot about myself and gained a level of self-confidence I never had before; not to mention, the voyeuristic and exhibitionistic thrills that opened me up to my own latent hedonistic desires. But after this past Int’l Mr. Leather weekend, something strange happened.  I had absolutely no desire to be out. I even said no, to attending the annual women’s play party with a beautiful lady who just swoons every time she sees me. I can’t deny that it’s a heady turn-on affecting her that way. Being very good friends and her trust in me would make doing a scene memorable and the power exchange, phenomenal as we’ve always danced around our mutual attraction but never acted upon it despite the chemistry.

Uncertain as to why I did not embrace being out and about, although it could have something to do with seeing my ex's face with her past lover, the one she went back to shortly after me, posted on FB. I was irked and hurt at the same time, feeling like the past year and half I spent was a waste of my precious time while she waited for her ex to come back to the community and claim her.  I had wrestled with the thought that I've outgrown this world that has made me a self-confident, sexy, self-assured woman who’s finally at peace with all of her complexity. Then again, maybe I have given up trying to find a balance between my vanilla life and my leather one. Seems like I've always had to choose one time or another, but perhaps this time I'm just done with it although it’s hard to imagine myself without a connection to the leather world. I’m clearly divided, not sure if what I’m feeling is permanent or temporary. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve stepped away to explore other avenues, but when I’ve been single, I would gravitate back to what was familiar and less complicated, avoiding serious attachments or deep intimacies to enjoy just being in the moment, without limitation or compromising too much of myself.

It’s always been a delicate balance for me relationship-wise, having to give up some parts of me to enjoy other interests or in order to make my partner feel safe and comfortable. But communication and trust goes both ways and not once has my interest in leather caused an indiscretion or hardship for anyone as I am brutally honest, much to a fault. I’ve even entertained the idea of being less honest, but that’s not in my nature. It’s been a hard ride navigating through the treacherous waters, recognizing and protecting yourself from individuals who wish to change the very thing they found fascinating about you in the first place.  And although I feel like I’m stranded in some type of limbo, a good friend assured me that when one door closes another one usually opens.

Peace