1st Reading for OTW2 and Book Signing-7.27.2024

An excerpt from Book Two: Covenant; Chapter 3.

When I finally arrived at Enna’s, a thought crept into my head that maybe the things she wanted to share with me were about her and Regan. I waited in the car, then took a few deep breaths. I almost texted her to cancel, but instead, I got out of my car and walked leisurely up the stairwell and through her office door.

Surprised, Enna was standing there, tapping her foot on the ground, in the patient waiting area as soon as I strolled in. I checked my watch and realized I was late. I smiled at her and said I was sorry. She was cordial as always, then escorted me into her office and closed the door behind us. Did you ever get that funny feeling when you are about to be ushered into the principal’s office because you skipped class? Well, that is precisely how I felt. However, before she could reprimand me for my tardiness, I blurted out, “So, what’s up with you and Regan?”

“What are you talking about, Toni?”

“I saw you embrace her tightly and kiss her on the forehead.”

“It is not at all what you think. Regan is like a little sister to me. Yes, we have a history, as I told you before when Dr. Pacelli was working with her. Nevertheless, several years have passed since I last saw her. When I moved back here after my mom passed away, I ran into her at the bookstore before you took over the cottage. I was trying to provide some comfort to her. She was worried and upset about you leaving, again.”

“She knew I had to find Elena. We have discussed it several times and she was fine.”

Toni, do you honestly believe Elena is still alive?”

“She is! I have seen her, but not in her human guise. I have been in communication with her, and last night we were able to share our thoughts and those of the wolf pack. She is their alpha.”

“Have you stopped taking your medication? You’re talking crazy!”

“I never started. There is nothing wrong with me!”

“Toni, I just want to help, but you are not a shape-shifter, nor is Elena.”

“You were in the cave when I came out of my wolf form. You saw it then, as you saw it before in February. You cannot tell me that you are so hung up on your science and tangible proof that you will not allow yourself a belief in the supernatural.”

“I believe in many things, Toni. It is why I wanted us to meet again, and it has nothing to do with my relationship with Regan. Neither one of us would ever hurt you. Besides she is in love with you.”

“No, she is in love with what I am!”

“And what exactly is that?”

My anger soon boiled over, and I lost control. I shifted to my wolf form, jumped on Enna’s desk, knocking things everywhere, and stared her down. I growled. She accidentally fell backward from her chair. She lay there on the carpeted floor for a second before reaching for the letter opener thrown from the desk along with her papers, readers, notepad, and pen. She was able to rise to a seating position, close enough, to stab me in the shoulder blade, but I hardly felt it through my thick fur. It only distracted me temporarily. I grabbed the letter opener with my mouth and spit it out, and it harmlessly fell to the floor. She quickly ran into the breakroom, slamming the door behind her, screaming.

“Holy Shit! What the Fuck!”

I suppose I could have stopped her.

After a while, I heard her voice. It was quiet, meek.

“Toni?”

She was sobbing. I could sense her trembling with fear. I shifted back again.

“Do you believe me now, Dr. Weber?” I said in my most whimsical tone. “I told you so.” There was no response, right away. I paused. “Hey, while you are in there, could you bring me something to wear? Ah, and I might need a Band-Aid.”

She opened the door slightly and handed me what looked like a lab coat, then closed the door, almost crushing the damn thing before I could grab it.

“Doc, open the door. I promise I will not hurt you,” I said, musing about Little Red Riding Hood in my mind.

The door slowly opened as she hesitantly peeked at my now human form dressed in the lab coat and came out of the breakroom. I observed her movements as she slowly backed up toward her fallen chair while she kept a watchful eye on me. I was trying not to chuckle at the thought of her logical mind trying to process what happened. I know that may sound somewhat childish of me, but damn it, enough is enough! I honestly did not think I would shift, or could, but I was just plain, damn tired of all the secrecy.

Once she collected herself and straightened up her desk, Enna put the chair right side up and sat down, while keeping an eye on me. I was trying to squash my exuberance as I took a seat across from her with the desk conveniently in between us. She opened a drawer, and her hand nervously shook as she pulled out a large bandage and handed it to me. I waited for her to speak because I refused to explain why I did what I did, but frankly, it was about time she pulled her head full of scientific theories and bullshit out of her ass.

“You need a minute?” I asked. “I can go outside for a while.”

“No, no, well, yes, maybe, kind of, sort of.”

“Why, Dr. Weber, a loss for words?” I challenged.

“Okay, first off; You cannot just spring this shit on someone!” Then she leaned across her desk and touched my shoulder. “Did I, ah, hurt you?”

“No, the cut has healed. I honestly did not plan on this, but I am glad it happened. You needed to see.”

“A little warning next time, please?”

“Sorry. I am surprised at how well you are taking this.”

“Believe me, it is not as easy as you perceive. In seconds, I had to reevaluate everything I learned about biology, genetics, science, and nature while you were acting like a smartass.”

“Sorry, Doc.”

“Whew.”  Okay, my eyesight must be fucked. I did not see what I thought I did, but even without my readers, whether my mind wanted to acknowledge it or not. I saw.”

“Okay, good start, Doc.”

“So, you are a shape-shifter?”

I briefly opened the lab coat and showed her where she stuck me and the gash that was now just a blemish. “Now you’ve got it,” I said.

“I’m not sure I got it . . . How is this even possible?”

“Evolution,” I answered.

Update on Sunday, July 28, 2024 at 06:21AM by Lisa Lacriola aka T.Langdon Squire

OMG! I had 20 people that attended my first book signing party. Julie and Moo (Lori) were gracious hosts. I was thrilled when they offered up their home in Lombard for the party. I live in a pretty decent size condo in Wood Dale, but there is no way 20 people would have fit comfortably. What was truly amazing though, was that a couple I've known for years, who I have not seen since maybe 2010 came...so it was special having them attend and celebrate with me. Another couple made the long drive from Evanston. This was truly special as I've know them since I was in my mid-20's, my softball heydeys. They had to re-arrange work schedules just to be at my litte ole' party. I am so incredibly blessed to continue to have these people and the others at this event still in my life.

Anyway - I sold 6 books and signed at least 12. Some of the guests brought books one and two so it was doubly-fantastic, signing both copies. The best part was that my signature has improved, since book one, lol. My cursive writing is atrocious so I'm glad, this time, you could read what I wrote. Although, my friends would say, 'oh we'd read your scribble clear as can be and love you for it, because we know it comes from the heart.'

The food was fantastic. I had Portillo's cater the event. Of course I will have Italian Beef and Mostacholi for the next few days. There was not much food left, but I did bring home the leftovers which I was thrilled to do. People also brought extra sides and fruit. The best part was Portillo's Chocolate Cake. OMG! it is to die for!!

The highlight of the evening was my favorite part, doing a reading. I was thankful for my bestest bro bro. She is awesome and read the part of Enna which is apropo since she is who I based Enna off of, not too mention, bro bro has a unique insight into psychiatry, holding a Ph.D herself. So, Enna's character is realistic which was very important to me, when she first appeared in Book One. There was no doubt Enna's character would remain present in Toni's incredible life in Book Two. Book Three, we will have more of Enna. What a joy it was to have bro bro read with me. Everyone loved it and one of the guests, who already has the kindle version of Book Two, bought the physical copy of my book at the party, and she said, and I quote "I WILL NEED TO READ THIS AS SOON AS I GET HOME!" 

What a JOY!!!! Best party ever.

By the way...this excerpt I posted in this day's blog was the reading I did.  So, if you have not bought Book Two yet, better get to it....Hang in there, fans--Book Three will be here as soon as I get my ass in gear.

Dating at 60

I keep debating in my head and my heart about dating now at age 60. There are times when I feel I am ready to jump into the relationship pool once again, but yet, my reluctance prevails because the very thought of it scares the hell out of me. I cannot explain why the fear, other than I've been too independent for far too long and frankly, I kind of like my life as it is, without complications.

It's not that past girlfriends were horrible or the experiences were negative, there were many that were positive. I've realized through these years that it takes a lot of communication and diligence even when things get tough to hang in there for the sake of the relationship. However, I have also learned that in the past due to my fears of rejection and abandonment brought on by my biological family could certainly have caused obstacles in allowing some of those loving situations a good headstart to endure and last. Being vulnerable is certainly scary as shit, but especially if your fear of rejection is a greater threat than being loved in return.

Lately, there have been times when I feel the isolation and it hits me really hard, but other times, I relish the alone-time. It's been 10 years since my last relationship, and even that one only lasted about 6 weeks. For some reason, my dating guidelines seem to point to a 6-week rule. It has been my experiences over the many years whereby I can sense or feel compelled to continue the situation after the 6 weeks are up, or not. I am not sure where those strong instincts came from or if it's just knowing myself well enough that in a short-time I can tell if someone is a good fit for me or if we are better off friends. In that 6 week timeframe, if the potential for a girlfriend is non-existent than usually both parties can move into the friendship zone without aggravation or causing hurt feelings between each other.

Now, I say all this, yet, today at my job while I was in the elevator to go downstairs to the lunchroom for a break, a gorgeous African-American woman stepped in at the same time I did and I had this kind of vibe from her. She was super friendly and I think she wanted to say something but chose not too. We spoke for a little while, but nothing came of it when we both stepped out once we hit the first floor. So, at least, my interests or attractions are still doing something for me, yet, I hesitated. In the past I would have subtly let her know I was attracted, or at least, talked her into having our coffee together rather than to go. It is Gay Pride month after all and my company is very supportive of the LGBTQ community which makes working in this environment safe, at least, for me. I seriously doubt she would have been offended if I outed myself to her.

I have considered that perhaps some unknown force is preventing me from branching out to meet other women. Given the many dating apps and the opportunities to hang out with friends and other potential new people at events locally have been available to me to explore, but sometimes in those situations, my fear of crowds and attending alone get the better of me. I have recently discovered that I am a hyper-senstive person which helped me understand so many things that have happened to me through the years and why some situations are more like limitations than they are opportunities. Of course, this should not be an excuse. I should be out and about meeting and greeting people, as staying home would defeat the purpose of allowing a chance encounter to become something more.

So why the hesitation? I think in my gut I believe in fate. If I am destined to meet that special someone, it should happen naturally, not forced. I believe though, I have found my person, but I know she will never risk the friendship we've built through the years. She does know I am willing to take the risk, but argues against it, and I understand the concerns as I have them too. I've never felt more joy though, than ever before when I am in her presence. It's as if my heart breaks if too much time goes by and we don't hang out. This disturbs me soooo much as my behavior is more like a love-sick puppy that follows you wherever you go, waiting on your every move, or word. I've never been one to obsess or be territorial, because I'm a big believer in alone-time and having your own space. I am uncertain that one person can be everything, and I have this deep fear in feeling suffucated. But I know that part of me is always at the surface and I, unfortunatly, am always looking out for that, and I am convinced it will show up. Perhaps that inner fear is what I am holding on too tightly of, or it's my natural mistrust of people in general.

What I have come to understand is that I do believe I'm ready, but it remains unseen as to who that person will be. I am wondering though if my deep feelings for my dearest friend is what is truly preventing me from moving on. I had to admit this to myself, but it is possible I think one day she will look at me and say, "Let's Do This! I'm ALL IN!!"

Reflections of a Life Well-Lived

As I count down the two days left until my 60th birthday on April 7th, I'm reminded of how far I've come.

It's been a rough 60 years for sure, given my broken relationship with my parents when I left home at 20. Interestingly now, I can look on that as positive, as I was able to re-create my own identity as a gay woman rather than pertending to be straight to appease my family. Coming out was such a remarkable realization, trying to understand what it means to love someone of the same sex. Funny, though, as I did not have many issues with dating men, but for some reason, once I fell in love with a woman, I knew then, something was definitely different about me. 

Through the next couple of decades I spent my time exploring myself, what made me tick, what things I enjoyed, what I hoped to become, what I desired, what was important, what were my core values and finally, what does it mean to truly be happy. I'm still trying to work out the happiness part as I think this is a state of mind that you flow in and out of as life can drop you a curve ball, causing one to go off course, so to speak. The Goddess knows exactly how many times I drifted into situations, I probably should have never gotten myself into, but that's life. I chose long ago, I was going to live life not just be a passerby.

Every now and then I think about my jaunt into leather, bdsm, alternative lifestyles and the beautiful and unique people and arrangements I gravitated towards in that non-traditional world. I remember reading erotica and wanting to explore it, not just read about it and my first experience I had was with a dominatrix I met through the personal ads. I placed one in a magazine called Windy City Times. It's no longer around but it was also a great resource when I came out. At that time, I was fortunate that Chicago had multiple lesbian bars where these days, not so many. The north side was the place to go for sure. 

Some of my best memories were playing softball in a gay league, which was fabulous, as I met great people who have remained close to me even now at age 60. The bonds formed have stayed with me through the years which was lucky indeed as many became my new family, or as we would say "chosen family." It's hard to believe so many women I met in my 20s are still in my life now. It has certainly made a difference in my life since I am still trying to find the "ONE". For some reason, relationships and I don't get along. I laugh when I think about this, but with complexity comes smaller circles of available people in the dating pool. I can't complain, I did have some long-term relationships, but nothing significant to this day or anyone who has lasted. I am hopeful, though, that I will meet that certain someone, but in the meantime, I am fortunate to have so many close friends that keep me grounded and feeling loved unconditionally, which is a biggy for me.

Bucket List? Well, I have pretty much met all of them, the most recent being a published author, and now this is twice over as I've had two books out.  I am working on my third book in the series. See the Writing Accomplishments page of this website, as it will give you further details.  I have some new fans, and today, was even more special when I went to pick up my glasses from Vision One, Kendall, who I've known through the years bought my second book and still has the first book. I had no idea that my Dr. gifted it to her. She was so thrilled today when I handed her a signed copy of my 2nd book. What else is left on my bucket list you ask? Well, I still want to ride in a hot air balloon, which means, I will need to head back to Albuquerque for that. I still have friends there, and I miss them all.

Today, I marvel at the eBook version I just put out on Amazon for my book and I'm looking forward to spending my birthday with a very special someone who I just adore. We are so connected. It's probably the best and deepest friendship I've had up-to-date. She means the world to me, and sometimes I don't think she really knows how much, although she hints that her intuition tells her so. I trust in that as she is truly gifted with a kind of second sight, few are capable of.

So, for now, life keeps getting better and better with age. I am truly a fine wine.

Love and Kisses to all my readers,

Lisa

Six Decades and Counting

Good Morning Fans!

Well, let's start this out by saying, OMG! I will be 60 years old on April 7th of 2024. Can it be? Oh, yes, I've survived despite all the ups and downs of a life that has always been in flux. I say this with great pride, because as you age everything changes, not just your body physically, or your mind, mentally, but also what you've valued from your younger years is not the same when you hit your 60's.

Granted, my base values, like honesty, trust, spirituality, transparency, communication and creativity have remained, although as I've aged, there is so much growth that has happened in all these categories based on the experiences of my past. All, have brought me to this point where I can finally say 'I GET IT!'

I suppose this is my analytical side speaking but as I've learned more and more about myself, I can fully accept who I am, finally. This was never an easy thing, due to my parents infiltration, relationships that have gone awry and experiences that I'd never dreamed of exploring or finding myself in nor the lessens I've learned from them.  I am the fortunate one though, as I bask in the glory of all that is me! 

So, what's going on thus far for 2024?

Well, the 2nd book Covenant, in The Order of the Wolf: Species Chronicles Series is finished. However, Amazon is being quite the prickly adversary giving me hell about trim size and other bull shit. I don't understand their issues, when I have previewed the book in their application and rec'd a proof of the book and all looks great. The cover lines up with the text and inner pages and the spine is centerized with the title and my name as normal, so I do not see what the fuck they are talking about.  I did, upload the cover design without the crop marks which seemed to be a big issue, so now, I'm sitting in the 72 hour hold pattern waiting to get this thing published.

In the meantime, I'm planning a book release and signing party, probably near the end of July to celebrate with my closest friends. Everyone is so...busy in summer, so this will need to wait a little longer. I'm going to cater the event and do a reading from my book and hopefully, I will be able to bring a few copies for purchase at a discounted rate than if they buy the book on Amazon. Ideally, I hope the fans that will be at my party will walk out with their personal signed copy.

The first book in the series, Lineage is due to be re-released by Dorrance sometime in mid-July. I'm finally coming to the close of that financial contract but I'm still unnerved that their work and timeframe is dependent on the monthly payments I have to give them in order to proceed and do their part. Although if I want some visibility, it costs, which is not unusual. I did do some research into the Fiverr website and found some great freelancers, etc., to assist with marketing and promotion at a much more reasonable price than Dorrance offered, but I'll need to investigate it further, once Book 2 is available on Amazon.

If all goes well after this stupid and idiotic Amazon snafu, going forward I intend to publish the third book in the series, Evolution in the very near future.

So, for now, my dear fans, stay tuned. 

Living with Addiction - Day 179

So, Christmas is coming.

It's been a weird past week or so.

Monday was the 4th year anniversary of my mom's death which I am convinced is why I had a hiccup, and began playing the Caesars Slots FB game once more. The good news, if there is one, is that I'm not disappointed in myself. I now believe everything is about boredom. I've noticed that over the past few weeks, the normal things I've been doing to occupy my time in the morning hours have become mundane.  I still have three new puzzles to finish and of course multiple kindle books to still read, but for some reason, I just don't feel like it.

Recently, as well, a very dear co-worker passed away unexpectedly. I just cried. I saw her in early November when I was in the office so it was definitely a shock that I will no longer see her when she would pop down to my end of the floor for a visit. 

Lately too, I've begun feeling like so much is controlling me. This has got to be another trigger for me and the FB game. Work has left me suspicious as we seem to be moving away from our protocols and compliance requirements, which is allowing some leniency to the branch reps that submit their billing requests. With the addition of 3 guys to do the help line, they are required to take 80% of the calls, and also because of the new tracking system for customer service calls beginning in the new year, has left me feeling like my great experience and service over the past almost 10 years will no longer needed or required. This leaves me wondering if the new year will find me in a layoff situation. Granted, at 59 and a half, almost 60, come April, it would not be a horrible thing, but finding a new job and starting all over does not appeal to me and I do not think my already sensitive nature to stress and anxiety will help to finish the goals I've made to stay on track to finish up my mortgage and car payment. The possibility of being laid off before my 67 birthday will crush me. Anyway, I did speak with my therapist about all of this, which helped a lot and she seems to think I'll be alright as I seem to be very aware of what's happening and have not done anything crazy so to speak, although, playing the game was not a good idea. I will need to suspend and try again to remain gamble free.

In the meantime, the editing for the 2nd book is going well. I love this editor I'm working with, but again costs are difficult. As such, I need to do the editing in a few stages, only sending so much to be edited at a time to lower costs. The other writing project I'm working on is again on hold as I suspected, working with a partner does prove challenging when there are time constraints. She just doesn't seem to have the time to put aside right now to work on this. I know she wants to do this and who knows, she could be doing things here and there, but we have not had the time to get together to share what she has done so far. I do keep writing the story based on what I do know, but at this point, I've kind of reached a dead end as without her input it's hard to move the story along.

So, for now, I'm in a holding pattern.