Still Catching My Breath

Today I was able to walk from my apartment to the front of the complex to retrieve my mail. I then took a hot shower and dried myself off, hung up the towels on the rack behind the door then went to my bedroom and put on my favorite boxers and a t-shirt. To most these tasks we take for granted, but to me, these steps were signs that my health is improving.  I spent the last few months watching the things that I do everyday become difficult. From walking to my car, carrying groceries, taking out the trash and even talking. I was having breathing issues, stopping and starting, hoping to catch a stop light so that I can rest during the five or six blocks from Union Station that I've been doing everyday for the past three years since my office moved to Wacker and Randolph from Monroe and Canal.  

This past Friday I woke up and found myself afraid to walk to work.  Perhaps it was my mind's way of telling me I need to check into a hospital. In addition to the breathing issues, I was dealing with a hacking cough that kept lingering as this winter's weather has certainly been a factor but I was also fully aware that heart issues run in my family.  My father was 58 when he died of congestive heart failure and my mom was probably 56 when they put the stent in her arteries to help her breathe better. Me, I'll be turning 50 shortly, so I prepared for the worse but hoped for the better, thinking pneumonia could be the culprit. When I got to Northwest Community Hospital in Arlington Heights, I was stunned to find out after they reviewed my blood workup that my hemoglobin was at 4.8. The average is about 12.  They explained that my red blood cell count was dangerously low which adversely affects the amount of oxygen produced.  The heart can only compensate so far but with any extra exertion, breathing becomes labored and heart palpatations become common. They diagnosed me as Anemic.  Their job, to find out what was causing the slow blood lost.

They did a endoscope to look in my upper intestine and confirmed I had a bleeding stomach ulcer.  Of course I have no idea how that happened, although I'm almost sure stress has something to do with it as these past few months have been very difficult with work especially and dealing with internal struggles between identity and belonging to two worlds, leather and the lesbian community. Both are a part of me, but the complexity and differences between the two center mostly around following the masses or creating your own individuality. It's no secret that I've always felt I was wired differently but my journey into leather helped me feel a sense of belonging and purpose, confidence, sex-appeal and most importantly self-esteem.  Sure I had friends in the lesbian world but I still felt like an outsider, not relating to the narrow-mindedness that I was confronted with. This past year or so I met some new friends that sort of gave me faith again in the lesbian community. Unfortunately, no one in that group wants an intimate relationship with me. My friends have always been like family and I would be loss without them so I'm grateful everyday for that, especially this past weekend while I was in the hospital. I was truly humbled by everyone who came to see me or contacted me via text or phone and surprised by those that showed which were unexpected. Not to take away from any of them, but I've always wanted that one person that honestly gets me, all of me and sometimes I wonder if that will ever happen. 

The doctor was able to cauterize the tear and stop the bleeding.  I stayed in the hospital for three days and received a blood transfusion, 3 pints in all.  With everything to their specs I was able to go home but they did say it would take time to rebuild the hemoglobin because when I left the hospital it was at about 8.4 still not 12.  I haven't been surprised that my breathing would still be difficult, my only hope is that it continues to improve as it did today.  Still, I've never been more afraid than now.  I have not been able to erase the outlines of the tape marks where they inserted the IVs and took and gave me blood. Sometimes at night when I sleep I wonder if I will wake. I count my blessings that I have friends in both worlds that were there for me and that for once I didn't have to choose between the lifestyles so that I wouldn't be alone.