Undefinable

Over the past year or so I've met a couple of ladies that are not a part of my leather family and friends. It's been a long time since I was open to meeting new people not from the leather community, let alone, allowing them into my private world, heart and soul.  But sometimes there are occasions where you meet someone who is so overwhelmingly rare who stimulates your mind and touches you in ways that are undefinable. I've come to experience extraordinary feelings, caught between deep friendship and what I would have liked to have been a romantic potential, but I have not been able to keep a handle on my emotions.  In order to deal, I've tried to adapt leather perspectives and power exchange dynamics in order to help define this meaningful connection for me.

It's rare to meet someone that makes you think standing up, clarifying every thought, action, ideal, moral compass, viewpoint and even how you see others and what they mean to you even if it is a hypothetical rendering. Having someone pick my brain is like a chess match. A series of ongoing moves and countermoves. I have had success from time to time with these opportunities and I've been able to keep up but sometimes I feel like I've crashed and burned 'cause there were times I had no answer. I always try to be honest which is a Catch 22 because people ask questions and I give my opinion and if I'm not careful, they may not like the responses they get. And if I'm not quick enough to explain, I just feel horrible, like I hurt them somehow even if I didn't do it on purpose.

The relationships and dynamics in the leather world allow for symbiotic power exchanges where even if you are playing the role of submissive, does not denote 'lesser'.  In fact, it takes a very strong person to give up some level of power to another. People who are able to transfer power to another are very rare. But in any case both roles are equal when it comes to power exchange, just depends on what is negotiated and who is playing what part and when. For me, I have found equal joy in my submission as well as my dominance. I have a very adaptable personality and I primarily defer to another or follow one's lead, and even when I think I am in the driver's seat, the one in the sub role always has the power. I'm merely what they need me to be. And I've accepted this realization because I understand myself and know what I need too.

In any relationship there is give and take.  People are complimentary and usually provide something to the other that meets a need, want or desire in them. Traits, characteristics, intelligence, and experiences are mutually shared and even in vanilla relationships, there is power exchange. It's just that the leather world provides a variety of ways to expressing those types of power and gives voice to it, and terminology. This can also be a limitation because the community tends to compartmentalize the connections and promotes basic primal instincts that are most often black and white with very little grey.  At least that has been my experience.  

For my part, I've been guilty without malicious intent of transferring those ideals to others who are not 'of my leather world'.  I've had a lot of time to think on what I experienced and realize that I was trying to fit circles into squares. I'll have to find a more unselfish way in understanding my relationships to non-leather folk 'cause it's important to me and my ongoing desire to belong. And even though there are some similarities between the two worlds, the differences must be respected. And what I've re-learned is that in my leather world I enjoy playing the role that is negotiated for a set amount of time but in my search for that special someone, the power exchange can not always be as black and white.

Peace