Finding the Way Back to Me

Relationships are not only about sharing your life, but a way of teaching you things about yourself. And if you don’t learn from your past mistakes, you will repeat them once again. It can be heart-wrenching when things go wrong and even though both parties had great intentions going into something, the universe may have other plans and the hope is that the breakup is amicable. Recent experiences lately have found me reflective, beginning the arduous task of analyzing my own accountability and trying to learn from the things that could have been avoided, if I trusted my gut. Sometimes we compromise too much of what we value or need in a relationship because we are deeply in love and too often, try to be what our partners want or need from us and lose ourselves in the process. In turn, it's easy to regret decisions that seemed okay at the time, but really weren't.
 
They say you should try to be honest in a relationship but I think it’s just as important to be honest with yourself first. And when you start to feel like things are a miss, you need to trust your instincts. Of course I failed miserably at this in my recent relationship and although I know breaking up was the right thing for us, it still hurts nonetheless. Recognizing the mistakes I made were eerily similar to prior situations was a good barometer for understanding why this relationship fell apart as did the others in the past. One thing I rediscovered about myself is that wanting your partner to be happy should not force you to compromise pieces of yourself in the process, like your values, morals and standards.
 
Another thing I learned was that, due to the abandonment issues brought on by a family that disowned me years ago because of my lifestyle, was a plague that I could not find a cure for and the fear of being abandoned yet again, by someone I loved, played itself throughout this relationship and far too often. And before I could get a handle on it, my partner simply ran out of patience with me and our time constraints & inconsistencies with where I stood in her world steadily began pulling us further and further apart. With poly-amorous or any other type of multiple partners, primary roles need to be defined but can quickly change as new partners are added in the mix. This can be even more devastating if the other people who become involved are also your friends. Soon, your perceptions are greatly impacted by these changes and can and most often cause a breakdown in communication as well as trust.

I had adapted way too much to what I believed in my heart she wanted, and left myself wide open for a level of disappointment. But somewhere along the line she was not able to give me what I needed and I could not do the same for her. Part of the problem was that I did not recognize that we were two very different people with opposing values, ethics and opinions regarding poly-amorous relationships. We simply desired different things and sometimes you want to be ‘in love’ so badly or you are afraid of being alone, or you’re going through some type of transition that you fail to see what’s happening right in front of you. I felt her actions did not fit the words that she spoke, and eventually I questioned everything.  And in the end, it was quickly over as it had begun.

So how did I find the way back to me?  Acceptance of what can’t be changed, recognition of my own limitations, forgiveness, compassion, understanding and a cease-fire when it comes to the blame game. There are no winners or losers in a breakup, only the realization of what has already passed, the innate desire to move on and the knowledge of what was gained and lost and how these factors prepare you for the next person who gives you that wonderful smile that says, “yes, I’d love to get to know you better.”