On the Fence

It’s always interesting when the holidays approach and you are a poly-person. What’s even more confusing is when you are poly but at the present time, there is only one person you are involved with, so you wonder, are you still poly? It was so much easier when the object of my affection and lust was a bisexual married woman.  I always knew where I stood in her world and never felt any pressures or obligations, but when it comes to someone who is very much single and not seeing other partners, the stakes are much higher and a lot harder to define, as I’m finding out.  

I think some people can still get confused when the holidays approach.  It's a difficult time when you are not monagamous or if you are dating multiple people, you just don't know if bringing them to your family for Xmas is appropriate.  My family, even though they are open-minded, still felt certain that me bringing someone who I am not committed to or monagamous with was not an option. Surprisingly, I actually agree with their logic as I feel the same way, especially if fate brings someone new to my world and I choose to be monogamous with that person, the last thing I want to do is mislead people, rather it be my family or someone else's.

For some reason, I remain confused if I’m poly because it’s truly satisfying, although I can’t say for sure presently, since no one else is involved with me intimately, or if I’m poly because the right woman is still out there and I’m hanging on to the idea of multiple partners until I can be with one person and only that person. Or, if I'm poly by choice rather than situation.  In the past, it was much easier to move on if things weren't working out, rather than hanging on, and seeking out someone else who could meet my needs if the other person could not.  I hoped that being poly would be ok, as it was before when I was involved with the married couple, but honestly, I’m not sure I still support poly or am satisfied with its uncertainty. But whoever is involved with me should stay open to new possibilities, especially if I can’t give 100%. 

It's equally interesting when you are involved with someone who is clearly monagamous and they give you that, "I'm really ok with this," but their actions tell you different. I think sometimes the one who is not poly prevents themselves from finding someone new, who shares their love for monagamy in the hopes of changing the mind of the other who is poly. What's worse is that when I was in a situation just like this, I couldn't help but feel guilty because she was only getting a part of me, not all of me. Was it possible that I was somehow forcing our situation to continue by giving her mixed messages, or worse yet, false hope, even though it may have been truly over from a practical and logical perspective? I honestly don’t know.  I do know that I enjoyed her company but in minimal doses, as most often I chose to go to events or parties by myself rather than with her. At times I think it would have been easier if we both met someone new. 

When I talk with my extended leather family, they seem to get that I am a poly-amorous person, yet when I am in the company of friends or family who are traditional in their ideals, morals and values, I get more and more uncertain of my decision to be poly. I guess this is why I came up with the title On the Fence, as I'm at odds with the traditional concepts of commitment that I was brought up with and those intrinsic values are always in question for me. I am a leather woman in spirit and in heart and I know that I want to be in a relationship with another leather woman who understands the scene and so forth and gets poly, truly gets it not just acts like they do. 

For me, finding a leather person is taking a more urgent part in my life and that reality is putting pressure on me, causing me to question everything I believe in.  It's like I'm out of balance somehow. I realize, I am not the same person I was years ago and I am well aware and understand that perhaps I have changed and no longer want to sustain poly-relationships. But what I do know is that I continue to try and be honest with my partners so that they can choose their own paths or what works best for them.  I am truly On the Fence about everything and this fact is causing me a great deal of pain as for the first time in my life I absolutely have no idea what I'm doing. I just hope that I have not fallen prey to settling or the dreaded afraid of being alone syndromes, although being alone was never an issue before, nor have I ever settled.  But sometimes it seems you search so long for what you think you need but when it finally comes your way, you are either not satisfied by it or it simply isn't at all what you had hoped it would be and sadly, you might find out that you didn't need it in the first place.

Despite all of this, I remain confident that I will find my way through the clouds of doubt and mists of uncertainty, but till then, I hope to continue being honest and true to myself, and to those who are involved with me.

PEACE