A Lone Wolf's Perspective

I have been fascinated by wolves for years because I can relate and understand their social behaviors and their need to work together to be successful, like when they hunt, travel, protect their territories, as well as members, mate or socialize. Each wolf has a predetermined role that contributes to the overall health of the pack as a whole, with one main goal, to survive. Following a rather strict hierarchy carried down from the pack’s Alpha pairings, the strength of the pack is only as good as its individual members, but what about that lone wolf who does not have his or her own pack?

In the same way that wolves count on each other for the pack to survive, we also have this same idea of family for us to be able to be strong, and to survive. But our need to belong or contribute for the good of all can and eventually gives way to a higher need for independence like that lone wolf, as we discover and explore ourselves and pursue other interests or goals that don’t always coincide with our families’ intentions or expectations of us. What’s more interesting is that despite the potential for losing one family, the idea of family never truly dies as we seek out others outside our biological ones who share our philosophies, experiences, ideals, or perspectives.

For a lone wolf like me who needs validation at times or a sense that I matter someway, am important to others or to someone specific, the idea of family is still highly prized. The desire to contribute something new whether it’s to make someone’s life easier, happier, or just plain more exciting, adds value and for me, brings great pleasure in the giving as well as the receiving. Rather wolf or human, being truly by your self is never more satisfying than being a part of something bigger, even if it’s for a short time or temporarily until you build your own family or become an active member of someone else’s.

I suppose my lone wolf mentality goes back to having my biological family abandon me because I did not share their beliefs or Christian/Catholic values when it comes to relationships as I've been a lesbian for well over 22 years or so. Not to mention my strong support of Wiccan philosophies, an openness when it comes to sexuality, and my own gender fluent opinion on what society accepts as male or female attitudes, traits or characteristics versus what's in the soul of an individual, certainly had ramifications. Seems I have always been in search of where I belong or fit it and up until recently I had begun questioning this idea of family due to some misfortunes that I had to endure through the years which have tainted or jaded my point of view on the family structure in general.

My idea of family centers around trusting the individuals within to always look out for me, or who I can seek advice about, feel safe with, in addition to a sense of home, and belonging. The leather community as a whole I have come to accept as a kind of family with similar interests, ideas and values. I've been blessed to be a part of two distinctive leather families, one where the Alpha was a Mistress and the other a Daddy. Each uniquely provided experience and education from two perspectives, gay and the other straight. Despite some of the negative things that happened in both environments, I realized that people are, well, only human and they do make mistakes or choices that can and sometimes do hurt others, even if they didn't intend it to. What hurt the most in either situation is that I believed in them and I opened my heart once more after spending years alone, dealing with and accepting the abandonment from my biological family only to feel blindsided yet again.

Of course I still believe in the family structure as it still has value to me, especially in the leather community where you look to each other to support and validate your interests since society clearly won't. It's good to belong but I'm always conscious of the costs to my own individuality. Can you have one without it affecting the other? With the recent hurt I've experienced, I seem to be gravitating towards my lone wolf ideals. I have always counted on myself to survive and I suppose that same perspective carries into my romantic life. Granted, not everyone is inconsiderate and only concerned about themselves, and I have to believe that there are still good people out there like me who value honesty, trust, honor, love, community, friendship as well as family.   


Peace