Milestones

I was up at 4am today, which meant I had lots of things on my mind or found myself contemplating some big decisions. Sometimes it’s about sleeplessness, but today, it was multiple random thoughts.

This past weekend I went to a friend’s 50^th Birthday Party at an Italian Restaurant on the North Side, Angelina’s. It was terrific to see K, as it had been about 2 ½ years since I saw her last at my commitment ceremony. Imagine her surprise when I told her that I was no longer with that person and that I was single once again. She chuckled and said, "you’ll never settle down, in fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if you unknowingly are much happier being single, with a few friends with benefits in the mix.” Honestly, I think she is probably right.  I’ve known K for at least 20 years, and her and Q have been together for almost 25 years. I also saw a couple of folks I have not seen since my softball days. Not surprising, many of them have been together for years too, so I know the potential for a lifetime partner does exist. Most of the others at the party never met my ex-wife or heard about the ceremony, but they did recall when I was with Angel back in 1996…It’s hard to believe how quickly the years have rolled by. Seeing everyone had a profound affect on me and probably the reason for the recent random thoughts and restless nights that I’ve been experiencing, all contributing to my need to re-evaluate how I’m feeling, where I’m headed and to what extent.

I’ve always strived to be successful, have a good job, a nice home, a great car, a BA degree and of course a significant other in my life. Looking back at 2010, there was much uncertainty in everything I wanted or even desired. It just seemed like nothing was right in my world. After my breakup and the constant fears on the work front with layoffs happening and finding out from a good source that someone was contacting HR complaining about me which turned out to be some religious fanatic who didn’t like that I was gay, and of course the probationary period I found myself on not fully understanding the attendance policy – I honestly thought I would be fired. I felt disillusioned, hopeless and scared. If it wasn’t for meeting a new friend through FetLife.com who used to live in Chicago but moved to New Mexico, I think I probably would have just given up. Luckily I didn’t lose my job, but the fear of being alone and abandoned once again and the ongoing difficulty in the fetish, leather-BDSM community locally in finding the right partner or situation, I started wondering if my happiness was not in Chicago but New Mexico. Through the guy I met on line, I got to know other people and began planning a trip to Albuquerque to see if living in NM would prove a new direction in my life, and a beneficial one if the job potential would be equally advantageous. 

I finally got to NM this past November and I really felt I belonged there. I still feel that way but now as 2011 has begun, I’ve healed emotionally from the recent breakups, got a promotion, a recent merit increase after only 6 months on the job, and I completed my BA in English. In my current position I am doing lots of corporate writing so even though I’m not working in a publishing company, I’m utilizing the skills from my education and without losing any money or having to start over in another company. I’m financially able to take care of myself and of course seeing all of my old friends this past weekend made me feel like I mattered again, valued, even after all the years that have passed, they still call me friend, but they seem more like family which got me thinking that I’ll never truly be alone despite not having that significant other in my life, yet. I am looking forward to traveling to NM again this March to see the special people that have come into my life now, but with my mom’s emphysema getting worse and the recent lung disease diagnosis, I’m not sure that moving now would be right for me. Just having a job and being able to pay your bills is a luxury these days, and I’m just not ready to give that up and start all over again. I have a great apartment, wonderful friends, a successful career, and both a biological family as well as a social one. The risk is far too great and honestly, if I make a move I want to feel like I’m running too something, not away from it.

Milestones are like measurements, moments, or goals that you’ve reached or surpassed in your lifetime. Sometimes they are clearly defined like getting your High School or College diploma, your 21^st or 50^th birthday, even your first apartment. Other milestones can be of a personal or professional nature like coming out to your parents, getting a promotion at work, or buying a new car. So do we ever stop setting up or meeting milestones? Some might say that as long as we have life lessons or experiences that shape our thoughts, ideas, or philosophies, there will always be milestones. For me, the many challenges, trials and tribulations I’ve been faced with have all become major milestones. And up until recently I had seriously given thought to relocating to New Mexico. But after this past weekend, and the positive changes that are happening to me right now, moving to New Mexico is not a need but more like a desire and well into the future.

Stay tuned…

Peace