What do I Need, Something...Anything, What is That?

The answer is - Physical Touch -

Yes, I decided that I've been going it alone these past years especially through my mom's sickness, covid, my gambling addiction, my own breast cancer scare, etc...without physical companionship, or touch, or activity. Yes, I love my friends dearly and when I see them there is usually a big hug, minor affection that happens in a non-sexual touchy, feely way, but it does not give you that ZING. Bowling can only take me so far, lol.

It's been years since I've been with anyone seriously, like 10 years. Yes, there are a few close and deep friendships that I wanted more or at least wanted us to move to the next level, but sadly, that did not happen. In some cases, I feel like I've been waiting for something, anything, yet nothing.  And maybe I've missed my leather culture for this one huge offering. As such, last night I reached out to my leather bro who I've played with in the past, so we know each other really well. The symbiotic energy that happes in a leather scene, meaning someone tops and someone bottoms can release a lot endorphins in the exchange of power in pain with some pleasure. The timeframe has a limitation, so in that moment, it's only for a short period which is good, because, from a bottom perspective, you give up a certain power in that submission while you trust the person handling you, whom also gets energy as well, but it's different from yours. You cannot have one without the other. It's a very vulnerable position to be in, but can also be very satisfying, spiritually, mentally and physically as your body is challenged in that exchange.

I realized as I started writing about my addiction and some of the reasons for my habitual behavior had probably more to do with boredom, and even though I got a kind of high out of the stimulus of the game, there was not any physical outlet. Now, I'm not a work-out person, and I've found other ways to quiet my mind which is always running amuk. My writing has exploded for me in a creative way, so I suppose there is a physical element in the completion of a goal. For me, Friday, I finished The Order of the Wolf: Species Chronicles, Book 2 Covenant, first full and completed draft. I contacted my editor so I'm waiting to hear back from her on price and estimated finish date. I have a quick upcoming phone call session with Eli Wednesday, he is my graphic artist for the book cover design and logo. But this still left me wanting, something, anything.

Last night I couldn't sleep and I thought after the couple of days I traveled to Lake Geneva with a very dear friend, I should have been able to sleep, but I was wide awake. I did a lot of walking and being outdoors on this trip which was necessary, so I was surprised that I felt dissatisfied. Part of it was an expectation of finally having a traveling companion, but as much as we are alike in so many ways, we are definitely different when it comes to traveling. Not a bad thing, however, where we usually communicate and get each other, we made a lot of assumptions on how each other would react to certain situations, rather it's having the room split in half so to speak, she got the side with the desk which was problematic for me, because I have a morning ritual when I tend to use my computer most, and that did not happen. Also, when I get up, because I wanted to be considerate to her, I got dressed and I just wanted to relax, so when she would get up she can take the time she needs to do her thing in the morning. However, she thought we were ready to check out of the hotel and I got upset because I disturbed her sleep and she seemed annoyed so sometimes comments can be taken out of context, but luckily we do know how to express ourselves and we quickly remedied any misunderstood comments. Still, the experience left me a little out of sorts, which I am not sure yet why.

I guess in the end, what I think happened, more than anything, was how I've been feeling a deeper connection to her then in prior years and maybe I thought that if we could handle this travel thing, which was something she was very worried about, maybe we could take the next steps. I should have known better. I've pined for her through all these years, but she never led me in the direction of a lover. In fact I think we both in our own small way welcomed what we do have without all the aggravation that can come from moving from a deep friendship into the realm of sexuality. 

Anyway, thus, I think allowing myself the pleasure of having someone desire me was missing. Interestingly, my leather bro, did not hesitate when I asked her. She said, although it's been a long time and I may be out of practice but I would do this for you and your responsive does it for me. This was sweet and I was surprised by her comments.  I adore her, always have.

So, until next time...