Living with Addiction - Day 164

Hello fans of my site:

I've had a good couple of weeks since Thanksgiving, although I must confess, I fell off the proverbial wagon the weekend of the turkey holiday. I had forgotten the FB Caesars Slots APP was on my kindle and I clicked into the game. Of course, there were tons of new bonus points added to my totals and messages from my VIP progam rep. At first I was disappointed in myself, and I realized, that it was shear bordedom that tricked me into playing the game once more. The Thanksgiving weekend was 4 glorious days of no stress, no family drama, no relationship drama or work stuff, but, being idle was also a disadvantage. I am happy to report though, I was only in the game for maybe a half hour and then I logged out of it. The game did not give me any joy at all so perhaps, I needed to check to see if I was truly over it. My therapist was not surprised I had a hiccup, but also said, that the habitual behavior may never go away permanently, but she was thrilled, I had discovered the main reason for getting caught up into it in the first place - BOREDOM!

Truth be told, due to the addition of new challenges I'm doing in the morning from when I get up to logging on line for work, all have proven beneficial in my recovery. But here's the kicker...doing 1000 piece physical puzzles, or computer ones, reading, writing and the trivia game I just love, sometimes, it is not enough. There is a certain lack of physical stimulus and probably a little social hinderances that I am starting to become aware of. Last weekend, I did go out to a Xmas party which I'm invited to every year. It is one of those fabulous things when you have a wide circle of friends who have other friends. I do enjoy these get togethers as we have been doing them since our softball efforts were squashed. We simply got too old, LOL! So, these monthly grub munches as we call them, have kept us in touch with one another, which has been good for me, but also difficult, as I am not a huge social person. I have much anxiety in large groups and especially if we are gathered in a small place where I feel I just cannot breath.

Last weekend's Xmas party was fun, the food was good, company always great, but the space I felt did not accommodate the 18 people that showed up for the event. I did realize one thing, when I have a bit of anxiety, I dress up in something, usually leather related. For some reason, when I wear leather it gives me a kind of armour. It's hard to explain. I felt dashingly rogish. This time around, I had on my comfy stretch black pants, black shoes, a long shirt and I wore a leather tie and of course, to finish my ensemble, a leather vest.  I looked fierce.  People took notice, which is always a good thing. I felt powerful and ready to take on any challenges that would arise from the cramped restaurant. So, perhaps I'm finding out more and more about myself, triggers, etc., and things to do to mitigate those uncomfortable situations.

Anyway, that's it for now.   

Living with Addiction - Day 152

Good Morning and a very Happy Thanksgiving!

I have some catching up to do...

For starters, I have decided I would have Type Right Editing handle the line editing for my 2nd book in the Order of the Wolf Species Chronicles Series. They did some editing for me on my memoir which was very good. I was grateful the people involved in this company are not judgmental or have issues with LGBTQ story lines or alternative lifestyles. Also, their prices are fair. I've learned so much from the first time I worked with them. I love that they offer 4 different types of editing, developmental, proofreading, line and copy. Each of these they provide details on what is involved with each stage. I had contemplated going back to Rowan, however, with her being in the UK, I prefer to stay locally. Type Right also does typesetting which means they handle the pdf conversion from word layouts for publications like Amazon. This would be beneficial. I have worked with the kindle create software, but maintaing certain design parameters is problematic as the program does not pre-fill once you select the font and style etc., you like.

In the meantime, Dorrance has completed the interior layout page proofs for the first book in the Order of the Wolf series and it looked great, but I had to send it back twice because the first time through they still did not amend the changes I wanted. With the money it is costing me to go through them, I'm second guessing it was a good decision. I'm hoping once they get to the promotional and marketing stage of the process, the money I've put into this will pay off. The jury is out on that for now.

The new story I am working on with my dear friend, is moving along, albeit slowly. With her schedule, the creative process can stall from time-to-time. I am not sure how to do this collaboration stuff, because I have time to write but it's hard to move the story along when I need parts that she has to contribute to. I know it will get done, and I believe our connection will prove beneficial when it is all done. She is a fantastic creative force, with fabulous ideas and her psychological slant on character backgrounds etc., but organizing this into a story format is challenging for her, but not for me. Together, we do compliment each other greatly.

Anyway, the Caesars Slots FB folks sent me an email about losing my VIP status, so I guess this is their last ditch effort to get me to play again, even offering me, multiple bonus points, and tokens. This is certainly a trap and I have no regrets with ending my partnership with them. The whole experience has left me raw and disappointed in myself at the money I wasted which is why I have to move so slowly with working with Dorrance since I can't pay them the full amount for their services. As such, the first book is very much delayed for re-release, probably not till next year or sometime after that. Just last week, I had this sort of meltdown with all the negativity and loss of money that came from my habitual behavior. I was so depressed, I had to call my therapist. Thankfully, some good things in my life came after that. I got to spend some time with my dear friends in Evanston and I had my hair cut and colored which always makes me feel good.

My therapist reminded me of all that I have accomplished which I need to tell myself to do rather than dwelling on the downside of life's epic failures, especially the ones that I could have avoided. There are some things that can be controlled by your actions, but other stuff, well...there isn't anything to do but ride that wave until the next one comes. I'm starting to re-learn this stuff once more. She also said, at this time of the year, many people are sad or depressed as the weather changes and holidays approach. She does not see that I have any kind of psychological disability, in fact, she thinks because I am a highly sensitive individual, that I feel things much deeper than others might rather positive or negative.

My other good friend is on suicide watch and is partaking in a kind of group session with other people like her. She has to attend, I believe 5 days a week from 8 - 2pm. She told me the other day she was just about to pack up her belongings and put them out at the curb for the trash collector to pick up. Well, her roommate saw this and contacted the therapist. Now, they are trying another option. After the ECT she went through back in July, they do not want to put her through that again. Electro Convulsive Therapy is supposed to jump start the snapses in your brain. This treatment is used as a last resort when normal medication for manic depressive or bi polar, suicide issues, etc., fail. She tells me she does not want to check out, but at times does not feel a sense of purpose to her life. I hope the Goddess protects her and whatever other Gods are out there in the universe.

That's all for now -

A Brief Return To Play

Hey there -

So, last night I had a play date with my leather bro CJ. She is such a great top. I drove out to Lake Villa where she lives with her 3 other room mates, so I initially thought we would not have any privacy. However, I was glad I was wrong.  CJ has her own room of course and an adjacent smaller room whereby both rooms share a bathroom. In the 2nd bedroom, there wasn't a bed, so of course I was like, where am I going to sleep. CJ is the most observant person I know and before I asked my question, she told me that she has an air mattress and a top memory foam pad. I will say, it was pretty damn comfortable to sleep on. 

Before we got started, we had gone out to dinner, however, both of us were not about to wait an hour or more at Outback Steakhouse in Gurnee.  So, we both said, "PIZZA". So we went back to the house, ordered a pizza which was absolutely fabulous, Jimano's. Good price, nice crust, great sauce, and the sausage was not greasy at all, which made eating great for my stomach. I certainly did not want any issues later on when we played.

The extra room was big enough, and I was admiring the back wall which was like a chalk board and CJ, who loves dragons, had drawn a dragon in sidewalk chalk on the wall along with an elf. This is kind of cool, I thought to myself. Of course we laughed later because I used the wall to lean on when our scene started. She doesn't have the basement set up yet for allowing cuffs and chains on a overhead post, usually it looks like a X cross, which is super comfortable.  Thankfully I brought my cuffs because I need the feeling of the cuffs to keep me in the right head space while CJ flogged me.  We call it honor bondage in the community. So, of course, I'm leaning against the wall and I got chalk all over my forearms and hands, and then I wiped my hands on my shorts.  Hilarious.  The two of us are both switches, which means we can bottom or top, meaning, take pain or give pain. Either way works. Last night, I got to take the pain. She is masterful and we took our time to not take me too high or overwhelmed. It was a perfect high and once I started gigling which happened fairly quickly, like within 30 minutes, I was almost exhausted already.

CJ and I have known each other for over 20 years, and have played together on many occasion so it was easy to feel safe and connected to her in the way we both need to be for the success of the scene. The best part for me is when we were done, I leaned back into her and she held me close which was a nice slow cool down.

What do I Need, Something...Anything, What is That?

The answer is - Physical Touch -

Yes, I decided that I've been going it alone these past years especially through my mom's sickness, covid, my gambling addiction, my own breast cancer scare, etc...without physical companionship, or touch, or activity. Yes, I love my friends dearly and when I see them there is usually a big hug, minor affection that happens in a non-sexual touchy, feely way, but it does not give you that ZING. Bowling can only take me so far, lol.

It's been years since I've been with anyone seriously, like 10 years. Yes, there are a few close and deep friendships that I wanted more or at least wanted us to move to the next level, but sadly, that did not happen. In some cases, I feel like I've been waiting for something, anything, yet nothing.  And maybe I've missed my leather culture for this one huge offering. As such, last night I reached out to my leather bro who I've played with in the past, so we know each other really well. The symbiotic energy that happes in a leather scene, meaning someone tops and someone bottoms can release a lot endorphins in the exchange of power in pain with some pleasure. The timeframe has a limitation, so in that moment, it's only for a short period which is good, because, from a bottom perspective, you give up a certain power in that submission while you trust the person handling you, whom also gets energy as well, but it's different from yours. You cannot have one without the other. It's a very vulnerable position to be in, but can also be very satisfying, spiritually, mentally and physically as your body is challenged in that exchange.

I realized as I started writing about my addiction and some of the reasons for my habitual behavior had probably more to do with boredom, and even though I got a kind of high out of the stimulus of the game, there was not any physical outlet. Now, I'm not a work-out person, and I've found other ways to quiet my mind which is always running amuk. My writing has exploded for me in a creative way, so I suppose there is a physical element in the completion of a goal. For me, Friday, I finished The Order of the Wolf: Species Chronicles, Book 2 Covenant, first full and completed draft. I contacted my editor so I'm waiting to hear back from her on price and estimated finish date. I have a quick upcoming phone call session with Eli Wednesday, he is my graphic artist for the book cover design and logo. But this still left me wanting, something, anything.

Last night I couldn't sleep and I thought after the couple of days I traveled to Lake Geneva with a very dear friend, I should have been able to sleep, but I was wide awake. I did a lot of walking and being outdoors on this trip which was necessary, so I was surprised that I felt dissatisfied. Part of it was an expectation of finally having a traveling companion, but as much as we are alike in so many ways, we are definitely different when it comes to traveling. Not a bad thing, however, where we usually communicate and get each other, we made a lot of assumptions on how each other would react to certain situations, rather it's having the room split in half so to speak, she got the side with the desk which was problematic for me, because I have a morning ritual when I tend to use my computer most, and that did not happen. Also, when I get up, because I wanted to be considerate to her, I got dressed and I just wanted to relax, so when she would get up she can take the time she needs to do her thing in the morning. However, she thought we were ready to check out of the hotel and I got upset because I disturbed her sleep and she seemed annoyed so sometimes comments can be taken out of context, but luckily we do know how to express ourselves and we quickly remedied any misunderstood comments. Still, the experience left me a little out of sorts, which I am not sure yet why.

I guess in the end, what I think happened, more than anything, was how I've been feeling a deeper connection to her then in prior years and maybe I thought that if we could handle this travel thing, which was something she was very worried about, maybe we could take the next steps. I should have known better. I've pined for her through all these years, but she never led me in the direction of a lover. In fact I think we both in our own small way welcomed what we do have without all the aggravation that can come from moving from a deep friendship into the realm of sexuality. 

Anyway, thus, I think allowing myself the pleasure of having someone desire me was missing. Interestingly, my leather bro, did not hesitate when I asked her. She said, although it's been a long time and I may be out of practice but I would do this for you and your responsive does it for me. This was sweet and I was surprised by her comments.  I adore her, always have.

So, until next time...

Living with Addiction - Day 111

Wahoo!

Did you think I forgotten you?

I've just been doing my thing. I went to Chicago Botanic Gardens last weekend, which was awesome and walked, forever, it seemed. I tracked my steps, so I'm thinking it was at least 2 miles if not more. That park is huge. It was a perfect, cool day.

So far, I haven't had any desire to play the Caesars's Game on FB.  They are still sending me emails etc., even though I unsuscribed from their list. I am confident my habitual and addictive behavior has been snuffed out. Some days though I still feel a little down, but I think that is just the part of me, that is bored and needs stimulous. Bowling season started which has helped a lot. I get that competitiveness going. 

I found another program in my Virgin Pulse APP, its called Wellbeats, they have lots of quick and longer excercises or you can do yoga, etc. You get points for these things too, which is great. You need to collect 15,000 points per quarter so you can continue to get the medical payments through payroll reduced.

I'm enjoying these meditative and other fancy things available that are for your health. One woman did a class on African Dance, damn that was fun, but some of the movements were very difficult especially when the music picked up.  All and all, it was pretty cool. The instructor was well, let's just say HOT! LOL. That of course, made it much more enjoyable.

I'm almost finished with the 2nd book. Of course this would be a first draft, because once my editor goes through it, I'm sure there will be revisions, etc. I'm hopeful that this time around with the editor, things will go smoother. She said, she has more time now. Part of the problem last time with the first book, she was absent, and half the time I couldn't reach her, so months would go by and I had no idea where she was at with the publishing, etc., so this time around, I'm only hiring her for editing not publishing. I pay her for editing services and she receives no royalties from sale of the book.  I definitely want to self-publish.

As far as the re-release of Book 1, Dorrance Publishing just sent me the interior page proofs for me to review. They are pricing the book at $18, which I think is too high, but considering the effort they are putting in to marketing and promotion, plus making this book available in stores, and ebooks like nook, kindle, plus their own sites, maybe folks will pay $18. We shall see.

I'm taking a little trip to Lake Geneva next weekend with a good friend, just gonna stay one night. I'm looking forward to the lake and the trails that surround it. The weather is expected to be maybe 50's. It will be awesome.

Anyway, that's all for now.