Revelations

Every now and then I have these ‘wow’ moments or times of extreme clarity on matters that were initially distressing or scattered beyond understanding in my mind.  I tend to over analyze everything and in-between my pure genius and insanity, it’s easy to get caught up in the chaos that is my life.  A good friend who I’ve known for years had mentioned that at times I seem to run hot and cold and often exhibit some manic / depressive traits possibly brought on from unresolved conflicts or struggles I continue to deal with today. She even suggested I consider a good therapist when my financial short-comings presently, improve. Although difficult to admit, I tend to agree with her as I’ve recently become increasingly aware of what I term emotional highs and lows that have led to some inconsistencies with my personal life, especially my intimate relationships.  

Early on in my life I felt abandoned by my family when I admitted to them that I was gay. The coming out process was difficult enough for me, but for them, it was overwhelming, overly concerned about what other people thought and how my decision affected them rather than trying to support and help me cope with the sudden changes that were happening. These days, things seem to have worked themselves out, but I continue to harbor resentment towards them at times as it still hurts emotionally. And with the recent disappointments from friends who I thought I could trust and lovers through the years that either betrayed my confidence or didn’t consider the consequences of their actions, have left me in a quandary, letting things fester and mutate rather than communicating to those I love and care for of my concerns.

No one likes to be used or taken advantage of financially or emotionally, but it is often problematic if you allow the negativity from past situations impact new ones. One has to try and look at people as individuals not as a whole, but I believe you are prone to make the same mistakes over and over again if you do not recognize what I call red flags, in other words, trusting your gut to know when you are being duped to protect your heart. Unfortunately this has led to almost impenetrable difficulty with finding a better way to recognize what’s happening within me to determine if it’s just simple fears I’m sensing or hard facts and cold proof clearly evident, not imposed or fabricated.

Although beneficial, therapy is costly. One positive technique that has helped me resolve conflicts is writing. Writing for me is a kind of catharsis, but lately, finding the energy and the time is non-existent. Working long hours, commuting downtown plus the financial woes has certainly prevented me from doing what I love, so, I'm taking a much needed day off to get away. My La Quinta rewards program has afforded me the luxury of a free night's stay so I plan on taking advantage. In addition to trying to write more frequently, I intend to give my brain a break. I'm often plagued with racing thoughts so I'm learning to be a bit more self-aware and patient when those crazy ideas come into my head. And instead of trying to solve everything myself, I will put a little faith in communicating my worries to a trusted friend or dear lover who can help sort through the chaos that is my life. And with a little luck and positive feedback, I will hopefully be better equiped to handle the emotional highs and lows and to rest an often troubled soul.  

Peace.