Butch Energy

I recently enjoyed the NFL Playoffs with some great people and smoked a good cigar with my best friend Angie one weekend.  Interestingly, I didn’t realize how much those times meant to me given my current situation with my girlfriend who is less than excited when it comes to what she terms as butch or boy activities. At the time she came into my life I wasn’t ready for a girlfriend as I was just getting on my feet and starting to feel like myself after my past relationship ended, still adjusting to the limited time with my butch friends who are still involved with my ex.  Sometimes it seems like I’ve loss them in addition to losing her, but the loss of them hurts more.  Although we all have remained friends, time is very limited when it comes to sharing my life or activities with them and I really miss those opportunities.

My new girlfriend is very special and I have no regrets thus far in giving us an opportunity even if I wasn’t quite ready to delve into another serious relationship. I’m thankful that she is also a part of the leather- lifestyle and understands about poly-relationships and the importance they are when it comes to someone like me who is a switch, able to adapt to dominant and submissive role playing depending on the circumstances or what I require at any given time. I am her Daddy which is certainly a heavy responsibility even though she is very easy to love and allow into my heart. But I spend most of my weekends in that Daddy head space and don’t have an outlet for my boyish nature to shine.  Winter is a tough time of the year for folks like me who tend to hibernate and opportunities to hang out with other butches is not always an option. Bad weather keeps folks in and when you have financial limitations, this can also hinder fun and social participation.

It’s hard to explain why the lack of butch energy in my life has affected my emotional stability, sometimes resulting in harboring resentment towards my girlfriend having to put exerted effort into keeping her safe and secure. At the same time, I’m burning the candle at both ends with work responsibilities, her emotionally needy nature and the recent financial disappointments I’ve endured with no rest for the weary, or allowing myself the little pleasures that come from the playful side of me which has seemed non-existent over the past 6 months since she came into my life. She is fabulous when it comes to understanding this need of mine and I’ve been impressed with how she has handled my other activities that may not always include her. The hard part for me is balancing the duality sometimes questioning if being in a relationship of this nature is viable for someone like me who is constantly in flux, never complacent or one-sided.

A very good friend told me that, “I can only be me and continue to do the things that keep me balanced, and try not to feel guilty for those needs, worrying or stressing over how you think it is unfair to your girlfriend.  She loves you for you, and if being you is a problem for her, she would move on to someone else better suited.  The worst thing you could do is to put your needs on hold, or be someone other than yourself.  You’ve done that in the past and now you have an opportunity to learn from those mistakes.”  I was floored and relieved that she found the time to talk with me. And just recently, she followed up regarding our previous conversation and for once I felt like I was still a part her life, despite her  hectic work schedule, continued relationship with my ex and life’s time constraints. I miss her a lot and hope to hang out soon.

Peace