Living with Addiction - Day 5

Good Morning!

As I continue my journey, today has started off well, avoiding the Ceasars' Slots game and writing seems to be doing the trick so far.  However, my very dear friend, who popped by to check in on me last night, reminded me that I could be in what she calls a honeymoon phase, where everything is just dandy and is working. Addiction is something you battle with always and she said I may have days that I fail miserably but other days, stay strong, but this is okay, you are still okay. I so appreciate her honesty and psychiological view. She is gifted in that way. Of course she remains encouraging and complimentary that each day I stay, well, rather, sober, is a good thing. She also reminded me to stay on track with seeing my therapist.

She did offer up something I had not considered as I continued to analyze the reasons why. She mentioned that due to my intelligence and analytical or cerebral processes, in our conversation, she felt I had turned off emotionally, as if passing through the pain and disappointment by the use of my brain but not allowing the vulnerability of being out of control emotionally, sadness, depression, fear, etc., in other words, to actually feel this addiction in my core not just touching the surface or skating by. She suggested I look into hypno-therapy and felt it would unlock my emotions that are probably so deeply guarded that I've relied more on my analytical mind to solve problems but neglect the emotions that should not be ignored or glossed over.

As night progressed she had asked how last Friday went. My dearest friend Angie's band had played at Shannon's Deli. I told her that I felt invisible, which was weird. Normally I do not go out with the intent of being 'noticed', but whatever I felt caused me to trigger those hidden feelings of being unloved, unattractive, unwanted, or not good enough.  Of course I've been dealing with that all my life, it is the main reason why my mom and I were volatile. I was never good enough for my mom, she was always making comments like the extra weight isn't attractive, you'll never meet anyone.  I had struggled with identity through my high school years, my mom would pick out my clothes, help me apply make up, even do my hair because she wanted me to look a certain way when I would leave out of the house. These types of grooming things were never a part of my life before high school. I was a tomboy, wore comfy shoes and clothing and was active, playing basketball or soccer or anything else with the guys on my block as my girlfriends had no interest in that stuff, so I gravitated towards athletics and team sports. There is a certain kind of belonging I felt and I had a role that was unique to my skills that gave me joy whenever our team won a game.

Anyway, I had to back up to figure out if there was anything I did differently to account for my depression after the event. It started with what I wore. I had on a pair of stetchy black pants that are tight at the ankles, a pair of grey boots and I wore this dark purple button down short-sleeved shirt that fit well untucked from my pants. I've been wearing longer shirts as they compliment my extra weight and curves. This is a fairly new look for me, but my mind sees this new me as rather feminine. Most of what I wear would probably be considered masculine, like men's blue jean shorts that almost hit my knees, socks and gym shoes or combat or hiking boots. It's a rather outdoorsy look. I have short hair but I'm also very curvy so through my adult years I've worn clothes that fit a little baggy but still looked appropriate for my build. I've had to adapt this to my work environment as well to meet their requirements for attire.

Here's the kicker. When I was younger, I was super feminine, some would say high femme, which is usually defined as a very girly girl look, dresses, tight skirts, or tight pants, tucked in blouses, crisp belts to match with shoes, etc., earings, longer, curly hair. Not at all how I present myself these days. During those more feminine times, I received a lot of unwanted attention from boys in the neighborhood. A few times, proved dangerous, one time, I was in a compromising position at a party with a guy I liked but didn't want to go any further than kissing, but he was all over me, and the whole experience was negative and frightening and I managed to get out of his place before anything escalated.  A second time, my prior fiancee who I had broken up with came over one night and was very drunk, well, things got very out of hand quickly. I had told him in our past conversations that I was gay, so of course he immediately came to my house that night, to make me straight, so to speak. I was so scared that I did not fight him off, he was stronger than I, and I really thought he would physically harm me, so I didn't fend him off, it went further. Both these situations were considered rape. Also during these times were when my mom kept badgering me about how I look and that I won't find someone because I'm fat and ugly. So, to make a long story short, I've equated danger, pain, embarrassment with femininity and weight loss. I'm not sure how on target I am with this, but back in the day, I had a therapist and she helped me through these situations by going through the pain, not just understanding the discomfort. I know that when I left the event Friday night, I asked someone to walk me to my car. I don't believe I would have felt a need to do that if I was dressed in my rather boying, butch attire, so to speak.

Self-Esteem is a big reason why I am who I am today. For some reason, once I rebelled against the society view of feminity well at least my mother's perspective, I found my own kind of look that was comfortable to me that I felt safe in and I wrapped myself in the armour of being a little overweight. I think this has a lot do do with control. I also believe that part of the reason why I found my way into the Leather Scene was that their protocols and ways of interracting are very much about controlling a situation. Even if you are a masochist, you allow the sadist to administer pain or pleasure and if you don't want their attention, you simply use a safe word and the behavior is halted. BDSM is a very symbiotic way of interracting, plus I did love this life because it was fascinating and I enjoyed how I felt whever I would interract with a specific person in the controlled environment. Through the years, I did find other ways to bring me happiness and a kind of grew out of that time period in my life. But it taught me a lot. Could be that lately since I'm no longer in a place where I remain in control, has tripped me up as life doesn't always allow you to control things all the time. I don't know but I will definitely bring these things up with the therapist today when I meet with her.  For now, I'm gonna sign off.