Living with Addiction

Day 3: Tuesday

I've decided that it would be a good idea to begin tracking my day-to-day progress as I battle my addiction to Gambling. It's not gambling in the traditional sense as I do not win any money, like when you go to Las Vegas, but I do win tokens which allows me to continue playing this FB on-line game, Ceasars' Slots. I'm not sure how it became habitual every morning when I wake up for those three hours before my day officially starts. Interestingly, I have no desire to engage in the game any other time. At first I thought it had everything to do with having control of something in my life as I had none of it when I was caring for my mother. It was the only 'me' time I had, those 3 hours. This is going back 3 years or so now since my mother's passing and yet, I'm still playing the game, but the money I've spent to keep playing has proven costly. All because I have the money doesn't mean I should spend it this way. When my mom was ill, I would go to work everyday like normal, come home, grab a quick bite to eat for dinner, make sure Merlin, my cat, had enough food and off to mom's house I went. I would stay with her throughout the evening and when morning came, I would drive back to my place, get dressed for work and start the whole thing once more. I thought that once I was back to my normal routines, after my mother's death, my need to play the game would subside, but it didn't.

So, a few things that I think could be contributing to this need. I've known that when I was barely getting by financially, I was more conscious of my money. After my mom died, I inherited part of the condo, the rest, to be shared with my niece, and some additional funds. Most of the monetary assets I used as a downpayment for the condo, in essence, I had to buy out my niece. With the money that was left, I paid off my credit card debt. But then I ran into some issues with my car, which was 12 years old so I had to put out some more money to get it up and running again. On the flip side, I got my book out on Amazon, but I felt the publisher could have done more to help market and promote the book. They were getting 50% of the sales of the book and once you pay Amazon for their cut, and publisher, not much was left. I only sold 75 books, so I basically made about $250. This was stressful, plus to get out of the publishing contract to find another publisher who could re-release my book, it cost me more money to hire a lawyer and buy out my contract, basically this is called reverting rights. I had to get new glasses because of course, I'm getting old and age does affect your sight. I had been on the Seattle Sutton program because I ballooned to 225 pounds during the Covid year so I wanted to at least get back to a more comfortable 205-210. I've been heavy for years so it was never a goal to lose weight to match what I was back in my early 20's. Menopause and just life in general will have a say in that.  I did however, want to eat a bit more healthily. Of course, many of these things mentioned do have a lot to do with other things controlling you. So, my root cause of gambling might be due to control.

With all that I've been dealing with it's hard not to place blame, however, I have a new publisher, the money it cost me to get that going is being handled monthly. The publisher is what is referred to in the industry as hybrid, which means, the author is paying a certain fee to them as they are providing the service to do everything for you, like layout, print, marketing, promoting, etc.  This is much better as I have no time or clue about all of that. I just want to write.  Also, I bought a new car to alleviate the burden of unplanned and unspecified costs in maintaining an older vehicle.  I think I also felt that with the car payment, plus paying the publisher monthly that I would have less money to spend, thus easier to quit the game since I wouldn't have any funds to give them. However, all I did, was get back into debt with the one credit card that I used for purchasing coins/tokens to play the game. What is frustrating is that, when I initially paid off the cards, it was in preparation to handle the large car payment and the monthly publisher costs. 

Yes, it does seem funny that I'm kind of writing this in reverse, but see Days 1 and 2 below.

Day 1: Sunday

That was the first time I ever said out loud to someone 'I am in trouble, need help and have a gambling problem.' I knew she would understand and not judge. I'm still unsure if I want to tell the rest of my tight knit group of friends, who kind of had an inkling some time ago, when I felt things were under control. As we talked I kept trying to figure out what could be triggering this, thinking that once I figured it out, I could stop. She encouraged me to think about putting things in motion to curb the behaviour first, while I'm figuring it out and of course seek professional help which I have done. In fact, I did contact my therapist and put a few dates on my calendar. I still need to talk with the therapist about a sliding fee scale if she has one, as I feel I will need to be consistent in going to her to stay on top of this but that could also be very costly, especially if I meet with her once a week.  Maybe in a short-term timeframe my therapist can come up with something to ease the drain on my finances since I'm already heavy into credit card debt due to what I've spent to play the game so far. Part of my frustration is that this has been going on for a while, no sooner would I pay off the debt, I would get it back up there as the games seemed to get harder and harder to stay afloat, beat the challenges and receive the bonuses that allow for you to continue the game. I know there must be some euphoric high I'm getting which I think could be tied to my need for instant gratification which has plagued me throughout my life.

Day 2: Monday

I removed the app from my phone and my laptop. I stayed in bed a little longer than usual even if I wasn't asleep. It seems at this age, I can't sleep pass 4am. I go to bed early but even if I stay up later to watch a movie or something on TV, I still get up at 4am. I don't have to log on to my work laptop till 730am. I concentrated my time on trying something new to sort of kick start a different routine. I do like playing games, so I started playing a trivia game, that costs nothing, you just play and try to get to each level as the questions get more difficult. It's kind of cool and relaxing. I also started to play scrabble on my kindle. You can play against the computer, so again, no cost to play.  When Tuesday came I did the same thing, played some other games but also spent some time meditating. My company has a good health care program and sessions called rethink, which gives you all sorts of meditative things to do and work with. 

I still found myself trying to figure what's prompting my need. I thought about isolation, distraction, depression and loneliness, a few causes that could lead to addiction. When this all started it was during the 2020 COVID year. But at least at that time, I was finishing up my Master's Degree, and of course by 2022 I had my first book published. I am steadily working on the 2nd book which I also think is helping me to find something else exciting to do during my morning timeframe that would give me the desired results I seem to crave that I was getting from the Ceasars' Slots game. This I will monitor as I proceed.