Living with Addiction - Day 15

So, yesterday I had my therapy appointment and we made a break thru. The therapist and I believe that the addiction is not so much about gambling as it is about physiology and how I felt when I did play. We talked about my past when I was a lipsync performer.  At this time, I was in my early 20s. I had low self-esteem, my parents kept harping on me that I wasn't good enough, or not attractive enough as I started to put on a little weight. I felt all these things and performing on stage became an adrenalin rush. I was always a good dancer and to get all dressed up to play a kind of role on stage as an entertainer was monumental. The energy I received from the audience was incredible. When I started to perform in the gay bars, I would get tips and stuff from the audience. I would make close to $100 just in tips and if I won that week's contest it would be sometimes more than that. 

Unfortunately, lipsync did not hang around too long so I was searching for another high that made me feel special or noticed, important, attractive, competitive, etc. So, I found my way into the leather lifestyle when my 30s hit. In this world, same concept, getting dressed up to play a kind of role and the energy you would receive from others, the physical play whether topping or bottoming, gave me this release and I felt powerful, beautiful, sexy, and that I mattered. I was well-known back in those days, and people sought me out, whether as a play partner or to learn from. It was powerful. 

Flashback some 20 or so years after that and I started to grow out of that environment. I still felt attractive and stuff, but I wanted a different kind of high, so I started working on my MS and then I moved to the burbs to be closer to my new job and the aggravation of driving into the city was just too much and it was no longer an enjoyable event to attend weekend after weekend, so what did I do? Well, I started playing softball in the burbs. I had always played softball, but instead of using a 11" and a glove in the city, the burbs it was 12" still slow pitch which I loved.  The team dynamics and sense of community and joy, plus the competive nature of team sports kept me high for years to follow. 

By the time I was in my early 50s, the team chemistry split up and folks began to put more energy into their partners etc., so we simply stopped playing. I didn't realize how much I lost by not being a part of it. I was missing that attention, the adrenalin rush, etc., that I had wanted all my life to deal with the pain my parents caused me growing up in my teens. I was also bowling, which was another team sport. Around this time, my mom got really ill and I started to care for her and I put everything on hold. I had no control or joy in my life, no attention, no nothing. I started playing the Ceasars Slots game because the only moments when I was by myself, I was doing something I enjoyed, for myself. The rest of the day I worked and then promptly came home, changed clothes to go back to my mom's and take care of her. I'd stay overnight, then start the whole thing again. I was drowning, missing a lot. I felt lonely and even though I was important enough as my mom needed me, it just could not compare to the prior years in my life and the choices I made for me.

The therapist felt that once my mom passed I was just starting to have a life again, but then Covid hit, which promptly kept me at home, isolated from everything and everyone, so I continued playing the game, but over time, these games became habitual, they are designed for people to get hooked, pay money to play and so on and so on. I was assigned my own representative who would send me bonus coins, etc., gifts, emails everyday about some new game or specials for purchasing more tokens to continue playing as the games got harder and more challenging, and more competitive. It was like a re-boot sort of, an acknowledgement, from the reps, plus the competition, winnings and stuff were phenomenol. 

It's a good thing I finished my MS during that time because I almost didn't. But I wanted the degree so bad and I got a different kind of high with education. This is probably the one thing that may have curbed my game playing because I was getting that adrenalin rush from something else, but once I finished my MS, I suddenly had time on my hands. It was easy to continue playing the game and it easily became a part of my morning routine which is why I was only engaged in it from 4-7am. I would have thought that once I got my life back, the need to play would have subsided. I wasn't even winning real money, but I was certainly spending it. I was finishing my first novel, that was a high, but I had a falling out with my publisher due to her limitation in resources to market and promote the book. I had to get a lawyer, get my rights back, etc. It just seems if it wasn't one thing it was another. All these set backs are not good for your psyche or your confidence. I think it just made the game matter more. 

All in all, this therapy session was the best. I can't change the past as those experiences did effect me as I moved into my adulthood. What I need to find is a replacement from the game that kind of gives me that physical reactionary joy I felt when I did lipsync or played in the leather world. Writing helps a lot as I do get a sense of accomplishment and creativity which is good. I have started a few other games that do not cost me anything whatsover so they do help fill that time in the morning and provide joy. But my therapist still believes strongly that I need something like a team sport or something that brings out a physical release. She suggested dancing as I'm not a workout person nor does Yoga attract me. My therepist suggested looking into the village park district to see what adult activities might be offered. The costs are usually minimal and it might help actually doing something physical as well as mental.

Well, that's all for now. I see my therapist next week, so I will see how this week goes. I've stayed sober so far, not playing the game and little by little I'm feeling positive about myself. This is a good thing.

Living with Addiction - Day 11

Okay, so more than 10 days passed since I stopped gambling.  Given the long 4-day weekend with the July 4th Holiday, I am so surprised I got through it.  I had lots of downtime, but I spent it often meditating or watching the Sopranos.  I've always been a big TV fan, it is very entertaining with so much and varied programs available to watch that keeps me either amused or engaged in the act of watching.  Food wise, though sometimes, with so many days I did kind of go off my Seattle Sutton diet.  But I'm back on today and I'm going into the office which is good, as preparing to go to work, does cut down some of that extra time in the mornings that I believe impacted when I played the Ceasars Slots games.

This morning, of course, I got an email from the Ceasars group about great specials they got going on, but I was so very proud that their email didn't change or tempt me back into playing. Instead, I've been writing or I've been playing solitaire, or trivia or bejeweled, majhong, all are games that are cost free, which seems to be working out well. This upcoming week will be interesting as I go into office today, but then Thu and Fri I'm off again, but I do have dentist appointment Thu and then a visit to eye doctor on Fri. Lots of free time again which is definitely challenging, but some how I'm doing it. Saturday, I have therepy and I'm hoping to go to the Renaissance Faire Sunday with my bro bro. We haven't done that in a long while. I'll keep my fingers cross and do a lot of praying to the universe that the weather Sunday will be decent. The Faire is not an event that's comfortable to go to if the ground is wet and muddy.  No fun at all.

So, time for a little more coffee and my breakfast.

Living with Addiction - Day 9

Morning -

So, I'm sitting outside on my patio enjoying the cool weather and bright sun. Today has been a magical day as I found a full moon ritual in one of my Wiccan books for July. The full moon was 639am today, which is very unusual I would think as it's morning instead of night, but according to my WICCA calendar and the almanac, that was the right time. I put together an attestation to ask the Goddess Luna (Roman, Goddess of Heaven and Full Moon) for her assistance. I wrote up a little piece of paper and after I set the protection circle welcomed the elementals for their help and I read my wishes for healing and to also banish the negativity from my gambling addiction. There was somethng so magical about the preparation for this and then seeing it through. I meditated a little more before the close of the ritual so that I could soak up the full moon's energy.

I very much have enjoyed my spirituality journey when I came to find Wicca as a good source for my core beliefs and ways of living. There is a simplicity in old pagan ideals that interestingly today, we still kind of celebrate rather it's Christmas or Easter, etc., which are basically converted pagan celebrations absorbed into Christian faith/tenet. Today I reminded myself of the past week in tackling my addiction. I felt strongly in the ritual and it brought a calmness I've been missing amidst all the chaos that was these past couple of months, well, more like weeks as the new year did start off fairly decent.

I have today and tomorrow off from my job for the holiday and hope to continue writing my 2nd book as my day progresses. Not sure how long the coolness will last, but I'll stay outside until it gets too muggy. Air quality when weather is like this is definitely not too healthy for you.

Until tomorrow, signing off.

Living with Addiction - Day 8

So, yesterday I went to a BBQ at one of my friend's place. I had a little trepidation as I headed out. I was supposed to go with another friend but she had just gotten over COVID and wasn't feeling quite well enough to venture out especially with the weather as it was. There were storms and rain expected but I still went anyway. I did not set out to tell my immediate friends yet about my gambling addiction, but I'm glad I did. It turned out the couple of folks I did tell reminded me about their own addiction to alchohol. I had almost forgotten about that as they had shared that with me quite a while ago, and I must have forgotten. Of course I was a little embarrassed to tell them as I was initially afraid they would judge my irresponsible behaviour especially with how much money I've spent.  I also confessed to them that this wasn't my first go around but I was able to pay off the debt.  I explained I can still pay it again, but elected not to for right now.  I really want to get this thing together before I pay that debt down for fear it would be too easy to get it back up again and fall prey to going back to playing the game.

I just love my friends, they were so supportive and those that I did tell, as I didn't tell everyone at the BBQ said they would lend whatever support I needed. So, they will all be giving me like a quick text during the week, not everyday, but just to kind of check in to encourage me to stay on track.  My dearest friend who I've known the longest also prompted me to contact gamblersanonymous as it does work and I can be paired with a sponsor whom I can call anytime day or night, if I run into any issues.  My other friend, I would say I've know her second longest to my bestie even asked if a poker game would trigger stuff.  Normally we would get together once every couple of months and play a little poker.  I said, no, I really don't believe that would be problematic at all as it's more like time with my friends. We always set a limit for how much the buy in is, and we never play for too long a period of time.  Afterwards we switch to board games as I way to continue the night, just hanging.

Of course, imagine my surprise when I came home last night, there was a package waiting for me. It was from the Ceasars Slots group. The package contained some grilling instruments, a cooking apron, a towel and a cutting board. I was like oh my. At first, I kind of felt like I should at least thank them, but then that would mean having to put the app back in my laptop to reach out.  So, I'm proud to say, I did not do that. So, far, so good. It's been quite a few days now and I'm feeling great.  This morning, I was checking my pay stuff like I normally do, played a little trivia game and another game that's called Richochet, it's kind of one of those shooting games, again no costs involved. For the rest of today, gonna continue watching the Sopranos series, which I loved back in the day. Spend time with Merlin my cat as I'm sure he missed me terribly while I was out.

Until next time, stay safe for the rest of the fourth of July holiday.

The Vulnerability of Femininity

So, after what happened to me last Friday when I went to see my best friend's band played, I just knew that the experience triggered my low self-esteem with body image, sex-appeal, and being attractive. I had worn a pair of stretchy black pants and a blouse with boots and I saw myself as rather feminine, normally I would dress much more comfortably and some would say more butch or masculine, which in itself gave me confidence. I felt in control and it seemed, my energy would attract people to me. In fact, the last time I saw the band, there were two women that were clearly attracted to me, but I wasn't particulaly into them so I didn't pursue the 'getting to know them' scenario. When I went to the event Friday, I felt invisible. No one talked to me and not even my dear friends commented about my new look. With the extra weight and my age, I guess I just wanted to wear something that was comfortable and the ensemble would probably be perceived as feminine. Femininity seems to always trigger a vulnerability and an 'unsafe' feeling for me. Yes, women historically have always felt threatened every day of there lives, but I guess for me, I felt if I didn't look like a target I would be okay. I'll explain a little more on that as you read on.

I've struggled with weight through the years, but now I don't think it was as much of a struggle as it was about protecting myself like a coat of armor to be less-attractive in order to avoid unwanted and dangerous advancements from the opposite sex or from the same sex, since I've kind of explored bisexualty throughout my adult years. To be honest, I really have not done anything to reduce my weight for well over 30 years. This goes back to my mom harping on me about how unattractive I was, even at 130, she would have preferred more like 110. I'm 5'1" so yes, weight can quickly show on your body. My mom would have me diet and I would yo-yo up and down in weight and she would punish me if I didn't follow her rules by taking away my team sports. I was on multiple softball teams when I worked for a large company, but my mom would comment that wearing sweats, baseball caps, or pants was not attractive if I gained weight. At that time, my mom's compromise was for me to be like 130. She would weigh me every morning and if I was not 130, she would forbid me to play softball. This of course caused many physical fights between my mom and I and my dad was stuck in between, not sure what to do. Well, eventually I moved out of the house. Plus at this time, I had come out as Lesbian, which of course unnerved my parents.

As you age, your body definitely changes and what you weighed in high school would more than likely not be the same when you hit your late 20s an 30s and even more so, after menopause. The first 10 years or so when I was on my own, I still had long, curly hair, and I was waivering between 130-140. I had two situations where I was in a date rape scenario. I would wear these sexy things that would reveal pretty much anything, high heels, and of course I had lots of curves. It was like my mom's programming was still ruling my life. So, I think those experiences, plus my mom's comments made me turn way, maybe even rebel against looking to girly girl. I was scared and never felt safe if I was going anywhere by myself. I closed down emotionally I believe and if I did date anyone, I don't think I gave them all of myself for fear of rejection or abandonment, as I experienced from my parents and other men that I had dated prior to coming out. It just seemed to me that the more feminine I looked, bad things would happen and I didn't feel confident or safe within.

Flash foward into my 30s and 40s, my weight was probably around 170, I was out and proud and my outward appearance was definitely butch or masculine, I cut my hair, I wore combat boots, baggy jeans, men's shirts, anything that hid my curves, although I still felt attractive. I gravitated towards the BDSM culture where I saw many women, that were heavier than I wearing sexy outfits, corsets, leather skirts, or pants, and some wore clothes like me, others wore military attire, which I loved and utilikilts which are  comfortable and can be worn by men or women. I own a utilikilt. Anyway, during this time, I did not feel self-conscious about the way I looked and had found success in dating both men and women. I felt safe, sexy, confident and enjoyed life to the max. I was of course hurting from losing my family's support, but I think the sense of belonging and community I felt in the leather culture as well as being a lesbian was a much better surrogate family from the way I was treated by my own biological one.

While I explored this new lifestyle, I did have some good and bad breakups, but I always felt in control and safe.  You would think with a world where pain exists would not feel safe, but I will tell you this, it was safer than a blind date. This is because the culture itself has its own kind of rules and protocols that people follow and there are always some that we would call monitors or dungeon masters that would definitely interfere should anyway feel unsafe or were being taking advantage of and their safe words not respected. The community sort of polices themselves and the environment at the time I was involved was closed off, not as open these days with the internet, etc. You had to know someone in order to be included or get in to life. There were mentors and house mothers or fathers, it really had this kind of family atomosphere.

Through my later years and after menopause, I moved away from that world. I had met other people that were not of the culture and surrounded myself with other activities, etc. I think by this time, the magic of the leather world wore off and I wanted to explore other things not limit myself.  When I hit 45, I was probably 210.  I was still comfortable, but definitely sporting a more masculine look. For work, I had to look professional and follow our dress code, so what I wore worked for me. When Covid hit in 2020, this was after my mom passed away and I was isolated more so to remain healthy. I jumped to an uncomfortable 225, so I started the Seattle Sutton Program to lose some weight but not for the purpose of looking good per se, but more about being able to get back into my clothes because I knew eventually we would be expected to go back into the office. The stretchy pants I bought were more of a stop gap until I could get my weight to taper off and maintain.

But I guess in having to wear something that fits better at my age and weight for some reason, brought back the fear of vulnerability of being feminine. At the event Friday, I asked someone to walk me to my car and when I first got to the event, I sat in my car until I saw a familiar face and then walked with her to the event which was about a a block and half away. It was still light outside, yet, I think I felt vulnerable well I know I felt vulnerable as my behavior reacted to the situation.  I am almost postive if I wore what I've normally worn through these years would not have caused the fear. 

So, my friends, for now, I'll sign off. I will be working with the therapist about how I see myself and to somehow unblock the fear chain that keeps me locked into this emotional cage where I'm afraid to be vulnerable and equate it with femininity. I see my therapist next Saturday, so I will have more then.