The Vulnerability of Femininity

So, after what happened to me last Friday when I went to see my best friend's band played, I just knew that the experience triggered my low self-esteem with body image, sex-appeal, and being attractive. I had worn a pair of stretchy black pants and a blouse with boots and I saw myself as rather feminine, normally I would dress much more comfortably and some would say more butch or masculine, which in itself gave me confidence. I felt in control and it seemed, my energy would attract people to me. In fact, the last time I saw the band, there were two women that were clearly attracted to me, but I wasn't particulaly into them so I didn't pursue the 'getting to know them' scenario. When I went to the event Friday, I felt invisible. No one talked to me and not even my dear friends commented about my new look. With the extra weight and my age, I guess I just wanted to wear something that was comfortable and the ensemble would probably be perceived as feminine. Femininity seems to always trigger a vulnerability and an 'unsafe' feeling for me. Yes, women historically have always felt threatened every day of there lives, but I guess for me, I felt if I didn't look like a target I would be okay. I'll explain a little more on that as you read on.

I've struggled with weight through the years, but now I don't think it was as much of a struggle as it was about protecting myself like a coat of armor to be less-attractive in order to avoid unwanted and dangerous advancements from the opposite sex or from the same sex, since I've kind of explored bisexualty throughout my adult years. To be honest, I really have not done anything to reduce my weight for well over 30 years. This goes back to my mom harping on me about how unattractive I was, even at 130, she would have preferred more like 110. I'm 5'1" so yes, weight can quickly show on your body. My mom would have me diet and I would yo-yo up and down in weight and she would punish me if I didn't follow her rules by taking away my team sports. I was on multiple softball teams when I worked for a large company, but my mom would comment that wearing sweats, baseball caps, or pants was not attractive if I gained weight. At that time, my mom's compromise was for me to be like 130. She would weigh me every morning and if I was not 130, she would forbid me to play softball. This of course caused many physical fights between my mom and I and my dad was stuck in between, not sure what to do. Well, eventually I moved out of the house. Plus at this time, I had come out as Lesbian, which of course unnerved my parents.

As you age, your body definitely changes and what you weighed in high school would more than likely not be the same when you hit your late 20s an 30s and even more so, after menopause. The first 10 years or so when I was on my own, I still had long, curly hair, and I was waivering between 130-140. I had two situations where I was in a date rape scenario. I would wear these sexy things that would reveal pretty much anything, high heels, and of course I had lots of curves. It was like my mom's programming was still ruling my life. So, I think those experiences, plus my mom's comments made me turn way, maybe even rebel against looking to girly girl. I was scared and never felt safe if I was going anywhere by myself. I closed down emotionally I believe and if I did date anyone, I don't think I gave them all of myself for fear of rejection or abandonment, as I experienced from my parents and other men that I had dated prior to coming out. It just seemed to me that the more feminine I looked, bad things would happen and I didn't feel confident or safe within.

Flash foward into my 30s and 40s, my weight was probably around 170, I was out and proud and my outward appearance was definitely butch or masculine, I cut my hair, I wore combat boots, baggy jeans, men's shirts, anything that hid my curves, although I still felt attractive. I gravitated towards the BDSM culture where I saw many women, that were heavier than I wearing sexy outfits, corsets, leather skirts, or pants, and some wore clothes like me, others wore military attire, which I loved and utilikilts which are  comfortable and can be worn by men or women. I own a utilikilt. Anyway, during this time, I did not feel self-conscious about the way I looked and had found success in dating both men and women. I felt safe, sexy, confident and enjoyed life to the max. I was of course hurting from losing my family's support, but I think the sense of belonging and community I felt in the leather culture as well as being a lesbian was a much better surrogate family from the way I was treated by my own biological one.

While I explored this new lifestyle, I did have some good and bad breakups, but I always felt in control and safe.  You would think with a world where pain exists would not feel safe, but I will tell you this, it was safer than a blind date. This is because the culture itself has its own kind of rules and protocols that people follow and there are always some that we would call monitors or dungeon masters that would definitely interfere should anyway feel unsafe or were being taking advantage of and their safe words not respected. The community sort of polices themselves and the environment at the time I was involved was closed off, not as open these days with the internet, etc. You had to know someone in order to be included or get in to life. There were mentors and house mothers or fathers, it really had this kind of family atomosphere.

Through my later years and after menopause, I moved away from that world. I had met other people that were not of the culture and surrounded myself with other activities, etc. I think by this time, the magic of the leather world wore off and I wanted to explore other things not limit myself.  When I hit 45, I was probably 210.  I was still comfortable, but definitely sporting a more masculine look. For work, I had to look professional and follow our dress code, so what I wore worked for me. When Covid hit in 2020, this was after my mom passed away and I was isolated more so to remain healthy. I jumped to an uncomfortable 225, so I started the Seattle Sutton Program to lose some weight but not for the purpose of looking good per se, but more about being able to get back into my clothes because I knew eventually we would be expected to go back into the office. The stretchy pants I bought were more of a stop gap until I could get my weight to taper off and maintain.

But I guess in having to wear something that fits better at my age and weight for some reason, brought back the fear of vulnerability of being feminine. At the event Friday, I asked someone to walk me to my car and when I first got to the event, I sat in my car until I saw a familiar face and then walked with her to the event which was about a a block and half away. It was still light outside, yet, I think I felt vulnerable well I know I felt vulnerable as my behavior reacted to the situation.  I am almost postive if I wore what I've normally worn through these years would not have caused the fear. 

So, my friends, for now, I'll sign off. I will be working with the therapist about how I see myself and to somehow unblock the fear chain that keeps me locked into this emotional cage where I'm afraid to be vulnerable and equate it with femininity. I see my therapist next Saturday, so I will have more then.