Living with Addiction - Day 79

I'm feeling well.  I can't believe this gambling thing seems to have been kicked.

I have not had any desire to play. I have found other things that have stimulated me.

I'm thinking this might be my last entry on this subject matter, although maybe I'll post stuff here and there on this.

Today, I'm focusing on re-acclimating back into the office for work. Upper Management has asked that we come in at least two days a week now.  My only fear is that my clothes will still fit.  I do worry about my weight, I don't think that will ever go away. But the costs for Seattle Sutton, even for weekend only meals was getting difficult for me to manage financially.  I am hoping I can return to it, once I pay off the hefty debt I incurred due to the gambling game.  I have to wait till mid-October to take what little money I invested, back. It is kind of bitter sweet, because I lost money. It is not easy starting with so much and finding out you've made nothing. I realize I have not kept it in the IRA for a long time for it to maybe work for me, but that unknown... losing money was not something I felt comfortable with. Of course, I am not happy that I have to take what is left and apply it towards my debt, but at least I will get to debt free.

Oh, by the way, my fridge finally went out, well, at least the water filteration system failed. The fridge part is still working, but it was time. The fridge was 20 + years old, so it lasted much longer than I ever conceived.  So, my new one is coming Friday. It was not too expensive, so I will have interest free payments for 12 months. This should be easy to pay off, especially since my other credit cards will have a zero balance. I'm still paying for Dorrance Publishing, and I know they really can't do much until they get the rest of service fee that was agreed upon, which I hate, but it is still cheaper than trying to self - publish. Although, I will not stay with them for my 2nd book.

I have two sessions at College of Dupage coming up on Kindle Direct Publishing, so I am hoping I can learn enough about Amazon's application for publishing my 2nd book. The two sessions are Sept 21 and Sept 28. It was only $69 to register for the class. Before I forget, I started bowling last Thursday, it was so much fun. I finally parted with my old bowling shoes.  I had gotten a new pair last year, so that I would be more comfortable when I bowled and they are broken in now, so there was not a need to hang on to the old pair.

Seems like many things are moving into my next era, or stage of life, which makes sense, as in April of 2024, I will turn 60. Wow, time has flown for sure.

Living with Addiction - Day 69

I think it's safe to no longer add up the days I've remained GAME free, but it's kind of nice seeing them in the title of these posts.

So, I've been reading this book The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.  It is fascinating and I have only read the first chapter or so. A very dear friend suggested it to me and said to take what I can from it but try not to get overwhelmed by all the research notes and stuff.  This is true, the HSP (highly sensitive person) can get overwhelmed quickly. 

I took the book's self-test and was amazed that I answered True to 16 of the 23 questions. Dr. Aron indicates that if you select True of 12 of the questions you are considered highly sensitive. The questions were so logical to me and I did not have to think before I answered. No struggle or hesitation. I've reprinted a few of the questions below that hit me the most; I want to be sure Dr. Aron gets credit.

1. Other people's moods affect me

2. I am easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens close by.

3. I am deeply moved by the arts or music. (I kind of like this one because I cry a lot from watching TV or movies. I've had friends make comments like you're way too sensitive)

4. I startle easily

5. I am conscientious

6. I get rattled when I have a lot to do in a short amount of time

7. Changes in my life shake me up (I just had a melt down when our payroll was switched to bi-weekly, whereas for 20 years of my working adult life I got paid on the 15th and 30th.) I still struggle with it even today and the change went into effect Jan 1)

8. I find myself needing to withdraw during busy days, into bed or into a darkened room or any place where I can have some privacy and relief from stimulation

9. When people are uncomfortable in a physical environment I tend to know what needs to be done to make it more comfortable (like changing the lighting or the seating). I find this especially true when I was out with someone who needed to sit on the edge of the row in a theater, or when she was scared to be left by herself at a concert.  I think this question hit me the most because I am also sensitive to these scenarios so I recognized these in others who are also 'like me'

10. I tend to be very sensitive to pain (which could be why you'll read about my adventures in BDSM where I spent many years in the community - I can't tell you how many times, having a little pain made me feel alive and took away, much of the numbness I was feeling after being abandoned by my parents)

11. I try hard to avoid making mistakes or forgetting things (this is especially apparent when I look for job prospects, as they tend to be positions I am over-qualified for) and why I need routine in my jobs.

12. I make it a high priority to arrange my life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations (again, especially true here when it comes to social situations. I almost have to build myself up to go into those situations and when I do, I usually remain observant of my surroundings and sit closest to the door so I can bolt in an instant if need be)

So, as you can see, this is just the 12 I added here, there were 4 more that I checked TRUE, but they were almost similar as these 12, which is why I did not include them.

I cannot wait to tell my therapist about this book and see if she has any thoughts on it. I see her next Tuesday.  Next week will be busy. We have the labor day holiday Monday, Tuesday, I meet with therepist, Wednesday I am taking two of my dearest friends out for dinner to celebrate their 15 year anniversary and Thursday, starts bowling. Wahoo!

Ta ta for now.

Living with Addiction - Day 59

So, one more day, and it will be 2 months since giving up my Caesars Slots FB game. I'm so grateful for everyone that has checked in to let me know that they are there. It means so much to me to have these very special types of long term friendships. It's interesting, today I celebrate my cat Merlin's 20th birthday. He has been in my life for almost as long as everyone else has that I call friend.

I continue to make great strides in kicking the habitual gambling habit. I am feeling so much better about myself and what I have accomplished thus far. My writing continues to be creative as I'm up to 28,000 words in book 2 of The Order of the Wolf, Species Chronicles series. I have to give myself a big hug because I took a couple of days off of work and with all that downtime, I did not break and play the slots game. This is monumental, because I think the trigger may have been too much downtime, not enough social interaction, isolation, etc., but this long weekend was necessary. I think I was feeling a little burnt out from work. The last few times I took off, I had medical and health stuff to handle, so it was not like I truly took vacation time.

I was, however, a little bummed that my bestie had to reschedule our dinner at Coopers Hawk. She was not feeling well at all, so I definitely want her to get better. Her and I have not had a dinner with each other since before covid. We rescheduled for next week, and I'm very much looking forward to it. I just hope she feels better by this Friday as her band will be preforming at this quaint place in Lombard called Shannon's Deli. Her band is purely acoustic, lots of oldies and sing alongs.  I love it.

Anyway, today, I go back to work, but at least I am still home. Wednesday, though, I will go into office. It is also the day we are going to hang out for dinner. I love these little dinner plans with co-workers. We are such as small department now, and we all are still feeling safer working from home, so it's rare we get to see each other. It should be a short week. September is almost here, which means bowling starts. I am looking forward to that as well. Our league is a great group of folks, and we bowl every other Thursday which is nice. It is a long season, but so much fun.

I toast to Merlin and myself. Love you my lil man, happy birthday.

Living with Addiction - Day 56

So, earlier this morning I had a dream. I wrote it down at 347am when I woke up. I was in a class with other students, and the teacher handed out a sort of phone guide. It had names and things, almost as if this was some type of training guide to handle calls, who to send certain conversations or experts to and basically, I would assume it was almost a sales guide or customer service, so perhaps I was at a work seminar, not sure. Anyway, within 5 minutes, the teacher came around and took the guide from us and basically said, you don't need them and I don't want you to rely upon them. Then, she started moving people around from their current seats to some other spot of her choosing. I remember in the dream I started crying and I literally said to her that she triggered something deep inside, and took a way the one thing I felt would make me successful and give me confidence, then you move me to the back of the class where I cannot see over people or you or the blackboard. 

The significance of this dream was profound to me. I've been working at being mindful of my triggers and I think this dream pointed out the need to be successful and not fail, or not be noticed or being insignificant. When I was in school, I would always sit in the front of the class so I could see better. I always felt at a disadvantage if I was not seen by the teacher or if I could not see what she or he was writing on the board. I always felt empowered when I knew what was going on, so when I would raise my hand, I would be noticed to then be called upon for the answer.  The dream, took away something that gave me an advantage which in my mind prevented me from being successful, so I cried, feeling like I had already failed before even starting. In the dream, I told the teacher that I was dropping her course and I stormed out of the class.

I wrote this one down in my phone, so I would not forget, as I fell back to sleep for another hour, then got up again. I think what surprised me about this dream as that I could interpret what it meant. Normally in dreams, you don't always get to do that. I try to look at symbolism, colors, sounds, stuff like that to help make sense of dreams, and that does not always work. Anyway, I am still on track to remaining habit free from the FB Caesars Slots game. I have an appointment with my therapist today, I will let her know what the dream was.

On a personal note, my advocate Kerry from my company's health program took the time to read some of my poetry from this site. I felt really honored that she did that. In our conversations she had mentioned what was it in my writing that helped me cope with things and I shared with her my processess and gave her the link. She liked the My Sister, My Life poem. She said, it made her weep. WOW!  I wonder if she read anything else? Maybe I'll ask her.

Living with Addiction - Day 48

From Days to Weeks to Months, and still so far so good.

I'm so happy my habitual addiction to the FB Game Caesars Slots is squashed. I know what has helped was finding other enjoyable things in the morning that are healthy, like doing puzzles, or playing a trivia game, or writing. I've had to do a few different things to keep me from being bored, but I think the puzzle has been the most effective. I noticed the other day though, when I was doing an on-line puzzle, everytime I finished a puzzle, the APP kept playing samples of other games which was so annoying as I had to wait for the sample to finish before I could X out of it, this caused me great frustration. In that moment I realized that my need for instant gratification is a bit deeper than I imagined. Now, when I do a board puzzle like the 1000 piece dragon one I'm doing now, I do not get interrupted and each time some pieces fit into place I get a rush. This is a good thing to realize as it may be one of the contributing factors in my addiction.

Anyway, some social stuff coming on the horizon will also be good for me. I have noticed that I am too comfortable with isolation and although I do need that, I have to remember to get out sometimes. So, tonight, I'm seeing a movie with a very dear friend and hopefully in October I will be taking a trip to Door County with another friend.  I've never been up to Door County. It's in WI so not too far of a drive. This is exciting too, as it would be the first time in a long time I've driven so far in my car. I had been hesitant with the older vehicle, but now with my new car, much easier and less stressful.

I'm still checking in with the health counselor through my job. Kerry has been fantastic. I think I have a crush on her and yet I've never met her. But it's her words and you can feel her enthusiasm with what she is doing and her support comes through even in the chat message. She has a calming voice over the phone which I really like because sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I can't slow down to just enjoy. Maybe one day I'll get to meet her in person. It would be interesting for sure.

That's it for now.