Community, Connectivity, Care

Community, Connectivity, Care....

Three very special words I've come to call upon like a mantra at a zen studio.

This weekend is GLLA's (Great Lakes Leather Alliance) 15th Anniversary.  I know for a fact I've been an attendee of at least half of their 15 yr event history.  I keep coming back no matter where I am in my life or in my leather journey which has undergone some unfamiliar nuances in the last 4 years of my 20 year tenure. As many of my readers and extended families in and outside the community will attest, it continues to be a struggle balancing the many wondrous interests I have and the stamina it takes to keep it all together, as well as the motivation to remain in service to the community especially when you are no spring chicken.  

For the most part when I go to these types of events, I tend to wait till after the weekend's festivities before writing my posts in my site here.  This year I've decided that perhaps this weekend, I break from the traditional way I do things and write as I experience the weekend. I almost did not make it this year.  I had a co-traveler but at the last minute she was unable to follow thru and I was uncertain if I wanted to drive from Chicago to Indy by myself.  Of course I knew there would be friends and family waiting so the idea of going it alone would be less intimidating, but recent months have found me in uncharted waters, trying to find the drive to get out and be seen, something that came so easy to me for so many years.

It's not that I've lost the passion or my interest in leather but I believe after almost losing my life two years ago, it's been a challenge trying to feel healthy again and motivated to do anything but re-examine my life and the choices I've made.  I found a great therapist which has helped me mentally to be strong and recognize that yes, I'm not invincible.  I think new things cause anxiety and without focus, you rush into decisions that may be perceived as reckless instead of the fearlessness you once felt in your 20s and 30s.

I spent the first 15 years of my leather journey in service to the community, educating, fundraising and of course playing but forgot to take the time and just enjoy.  Learning so much about myself from others who continue to watch over me, to figuring out what motivated me to strive to take back control in my life when my biological family took that away by trying to force me into a box of what they deemed was normal.  I had no purpose or focus before coming into leather.  My needs were simpler and getting them met brought back a lot of trust and confidence I had lost but found in others who made me feel safe again. Leather was a revelation, it was an epiphany. And those three oh so important words, community, connectivity and care, yesterday, were re-introduced to me when I attended a work shop Friday about looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing if that person looking back at you is recognizable.  

The work shop was a great way of self-analyzing yourself and looking at the roles that were assigned to you versus the ones you chose and how those roles can change through years as we grow and mature.  The class was a reminder that things that motivated you before may not be the same now and it's okay to feel confused and a little lost, not sure what your next move is. I was able to speak with the presenter after the session which was so helpful as she has known me for many years.  I see her each time I come back to GLLA, so it made a difference in what she said and her belief in me to figure it out. She gave me a work assignment to consider looking at my writing as something that I can use as a vehicle to give back and have an impact on others, something that I have always felt motivated me. It's been missing the last couple of years because the initial way I went about things is no longer viable or simply isn't working for me at this stage in my life.  And that's okay, nothing I need to feel anxiety about. I am exactly where I need to be she said, and she's right. 

After the workshop, I spent some time with my Mentor, Big Paw about the session and it's impact on me.  All she said was "I knew it would help you, which is why I suggested it." Care, yes, I am fortunate to have maintained those deep friendships that are more like family now. Community, yes, being here at GLLA reminded me again of why even if you feel lost, you can be found. Connectivity, well that's an interesting word as it wasn't until later last night at the Ash Bash that a guy approached me who was in that same workshop who thanked me for my honesty in standing up in that workshop and admitting to everyone in there that I am struggling with not knowing what's to come next.  It seems he has had the same uncertainty in his own journey and hearing my story impacted him.  

So for now, I will sign off.   More to follow....

Update on Sunday, October 16, 2016 at 06:30PM by Lisa Lacriola aka T.Langdon Squire

As promised I wanted to write a little bit more about GLLA this year.

I have been filled with so much joy at the evolution of the leather scene.  It was truly an amazing weekend seeing so many groups represented.  It was equally wonderful to see 6 contestants for Ms. Great Lakes Leather Pride, all with similar formats about being seen and recognized for their passion, service, play, no matter if they are straight, gay or bi, femme or butch, leather, kink, levi, etc.

I also saw for the first time the Great Lakes Trainer and Puppy contestants.  This was something I was truly mezmorized by.  It is certainly true that we as people are drawn to animals as they give us unconditional love and never sass back and whenever you are in a bad way, you come home with a welcome wiggle of their tail and ther heads laid in your lap. They put so much trust in you as their masters that it really is rather apropho given the many types of relationships, Daddy-boy or Daddy-girl or Master Slave, leather Sirs and boys, that you can see that love and service in the trainers and their puppies, playing out in the competition. I think by far the 2nd night of the contest absolutely moved me to tears as I watched commands given and puppies following.  It really was quite special.  

I've watched many a dog show but seeing that come alive in my community was phenomenal. It affected me so much that for a brief moment I wanted so bad to be that puppy in my little mask and leather made paws so I could walk on all fours being asked to sit, roll over, stay, follow, stack, present, all this was truly amazing to watch and then to be rewarded for my obedience, getting a toy or a pat under my chin or a tickle on my tummy.  I may have to revisit this possibility in a "scene" capacity in the near future.  I think it might be a wonderful and unique experience for sure.

The whole weekend was definitely something I needed to be a part of.  I keep struggling, often times feeling so out of touch and not as involved in the service aspect of the community in addition to the play as I once was.  This weekend I found myself more of an observer than a participant. As such, I was able to remind myself how much this world means to me and no matter what next choices I make, the community will always been in me and I in it.  

Peace

Dipping into the Kiddie End of the Dating Pool

My bff suggested a free dating site called OKCupid as she has met some really nice friends and a few potential lovers.  It has been at least 25 years since I've been on a dating site.  I always felt it was kinda a desperate attempt at refusing to spend a Saturday night alone. Though I never put much stock in finding Ms. Right thru a dating site but at my age it may be the best way for me to get my feet wet when it's been years since I was in a relationship.

I decided to check out the site and set up a profile.  It was actually kind of exhilerating putting my thoughts out there in the universe for people to peruse and check out. I am a brutally honest person so it seems to me the only way for someone to want to get to know me better is to give them something intriguing in the hopes of luring them further into my clutches LOL.

But here's the thing, there is a like button and you can send messages and check out people's profiles using their advanced search options, especially if you want to stay close to home. Of course there isn't a site out there that is totally free. So some of the things that came up while I was setting up my profile were special deals for 6months, year access, etc. if you want to know who LIKED you.  And unfortunately another price if you want to confirm if someone read your message.  WTF.  I thought it was free.

I must admit though, it was nice to view some women that really could be a good match for me.  Lots of them do want friendship first and to not rush into things. I have so many friendships and a few that are more like family so I don't know how much energy to put into that 'getting to know you' thingy.  So for now, I'll see how it goes. I really don't want to pay just to meet Ms. Right.

So my dear bloggers - I'll keep you posted.

A Return to my Leather Roots

With the upcoming International Mr. Leather Event, the Chicago Leather Club is gearing up for the season. I absolutely love it when winter finally ends and spring begins as I feel like my energy and passions are awaken and I tend to rediscover my leather roots as if it's brand new again. This world has influenced me so much and has made me a well respected leather woman in the community as well as amongst my club brothers and sisters.

This past year has been a challenge surviving my health scare, getting accustom to a new job and my digs in the burbs so it's been difficult trying to maintain some level of service to the leather community locally. As many of my readers will attest I've strived to find a balance between all of my interests and the complexity that is me. I've always been open to change and new experiences and 2015 has started off with a bang getting an opportunity to do a poetry slam at the nearby coffee shop which was a first for me.  Being on the mic again brought back my lipsync'n days, being on stage and giving the audience a thrill. The pure joy of expression is very gratifying and the euphoria remarkable.

It seems I am always in flux or in some type of free fall.  This past year with my health, time became very important to me and how I wanted to spend those precious moments.  I took a step back to sort of re-evaluate my committments to many things as I have felt overwhelmed by trying to do so much for everyone, meeting their expectations, etc., and frankly I got burnt out.  I'm not a huge social person but I do need to be out and about from time to time. Taking a step back was good as I began to take a look at the many circles I am a part of, sort of like a lone wolf moving in and out of various packs, looking for a new home. But what I've found in all my journeys is that the leather world is truly the place I felt I belonged.  Not to take away from the new people I have met over the past couple years who do not identify as leather/bdsm/kink. But even with some of them, I felt a strong need to remove myself from the gossip and negativity that seems to happen within clicks - just like in high school, definitely not a good memory for me as even back then, I was a loner.

It's been 4 years since I was in a relationship and I was beginning to lose faith in finding the right partner within my leather community.  Things just weren't happening and it was mostly my fault as well as I could not find the energy to always commute into the city by myself and to be out so late at night, especially alone, going to the events. My health really took a toll on those interests and at the time I was finding some semblance of normalcy to my liking, other interests such as biking, walking, kayaking, bowling and softball and a renewed commitment to my writing, all positive things that came from those newly formed friendships, but I still felt I wasn't one of them. Even though they claimed to understand the whole leather thing I didn't feel I could truly be myself and had to surpress certain topics of conversation, experiences, expressions, etc. And finding the right partner became that much more limiting. I was fortunate to establish some awesome special friendships that have been a lot more maluable when it comes to the whole leather thing and this has been a wonderful turn of events, gave me a little faith in being able to have such strong friendships where my interest in leather did not discourage their interest in me as a friend.

I recently had a business meeting with my club and it was so wonderful to be around the people that truly get me and allow me to be myself. I didn't have to surpress anything including sharing the newer experiences some might consider "vanilla" with them. That meant a lot to be be fully engaged and not judged in either world. I was home again.  After our meeting one of the members asked me if I would consider running for Illinois Ms. Leather Pride in 2016. I was totally honored by her honesty and frankness. We had this long talk about my legacy and the tenure I've enjoyed in the community and the service that has made me a pioneer of sorts in my own right as to what I have already done in terms of education, advocacy, mentoring and pride, all major qualifications in promoting positive role models and actions and crowning the right person with that title. This intrigued me so I began to research the qualifications and expectations that go along with becoming Ms. Illinois Leather Pride should I win. I still need to research the next level commitments with the title tract. It is important that I not only have the financial backing to do this but the time commitment involved. It is equally important to continue to do other things that bring me pleasusre and to finally stop having to choose between worlds. 

A Rock Amongst The Pebbles

It was a Saturday like so many before, waking up to the wonderful smell of coffee permeating the apartment air, brewing precisely at 8am. Ah the first sip of the day quickly awaking my sleepy eyes getting ready to go to my therapy session. I was looking forward to seeing my therapist today as I’ve been feeling out of sorts dealing with some transitions in my life moving away from certain activities that I was once passionate about to seeking other adventures and experiences I’ve become open too.

When I got to my therapist’s office I was suddenly drawn to this rock that was amidst a landscaped garden full of pebbles. It took me by surprise as I had never felt such a pull towards nature and its beauty in a way that made me pause to admire the unique arrangement.  The rock was slightly larger than the pebbles which were all relatively the same size in shades of whites and grays but the rock was rounder, bigger and of a yellowish hue and was sitting on top of the pebbles instead of mixed in between them. I thought how curious that I would notice this but it seemed rather apropos given the recent challenges I had been dealing with over the past 8 months or so. 

When I was sick in March I had almost died.  My hemoglobin level had dropped due to a bleeding stomach ulcer.  I wasn’t aware anything was wrong but hemoglobin produces oxygen and I was finding difficulty in doing the most basic of things like walking to the car, picking up groceries and even talking was hard, shortness of breath and some pain in my chest.  I thought I had pneumonia but what they found when they took the chest x-ray was that I had a hiatal hernia.  It was pretty serious and I knew that I would eventually have to get surgery to repair the damage.

During my ordeal I was so grateful to everyone able to visit me in the hospital and when I was home recovering. My friends are so very important to me and I’ve been blessed with these unique relationships that have enriched my life through the years. But lately I’ve felt more like that rock that didn’t seem to belong amidst the pebbles.  I do crave socialization so I am unsure why this sudden lone wolf mentality has been increasingly prevalent since my stint in the hospital back in March and recently for the surgery.  Health scares can change your perspective on life and how precious time is and how you spend it can directly impact your very existence.

It wasn't just my health that was suffering; my whole sense of who I am or who I thought I was became blurred. In those months the stress alone could have been a contributing factor in my illness. In addition to that, I was dealing with internal struggles between belonging to two worlds, the alternative-leather lifestyle and the lesbian community. It's no secret that I am wired differently so I gravitated to the leather world, drawn to the complexity and sheer delight of exploring various expressions of sexual intimacy, fantasy role-playing and power exchange. My journey into leather gave me a sense of belonging, purpose, confidence, and self-esteem, something I didn't feel or was lacking in my relationships within the lesbian community. 

Recently, I have met some new friends that have given me hope again in the lesbian community. I hadn't felt like I didn't belong as in the past and I didn't feel judged but finding the right partner to share my life was proving difficulty still. Seems you can't escape your past even if you are exploring more common activities and interests, at least that's been my experience thus far. Most people would find the leather lifestyle offensive so it's always been a balancing act between the worlds and what's happening lately is I'm in a free-fall, searching for a new identity that takes into consideration all my experiences to assist in shaping who I am to become in the future. In addition, I have been pulling away from other situations that seem to no longer meet my needs or are causing me to reconsider. For once in my life I'm finally working on myself instead of trying to be everything to everyone, thus the need for alone time.  

Despite being on my way to good health again, I've never been more afraid than now.  I have not been able to erase the outlines of the tape marks where they inserted the IVs and took and gave me blood. Sometimes at night when I sleep I wonder if I will wake. I count my blessings that I have friends in both worlds that were there for me and that for once I didn't have to choose between the lifestyles so that I wouldn't be alone.

Sometimes you have to step away from what's familiar in order to be open to new horizons and perhaps this free-fall I'm experiencing now will lead to a better understanding of who I am destined to be, a better me.

Epiphanies

I've been going to Therapy over the past few weeks.  It has been like an epiphany of how much I have neglected myself emotional, spiritually and physically.  I realized just in that first meeting with the social worker that the weight issue I had always struggled with way back when my mom would fight with me constantly about it that a best friend triggered those feelings of not being good enough or unattractive.  It was harsh how she indicated about how much sexier I looked back in my 20s and why I wouldn't want to look good again.  It was harmful as she knows how I feel about this issue, especially how painful that whole part of my life was back then and my mom constantly harping on me going to such extremes. I can recall vividly my mom weighing me every morning and every night and if I didn't maintain a weight she was satisfied with she would not allow me to play softball.  With all that stress my weight fluxuated up and down no wonder I'm not a fan of the process.  I was never one to work out or care about such matters.

The last 15 years I've been maintaining a heavier weight but at least I stopped yo-yoing up and down. When I was less in weight and had long, curly 80's hair do, I never felt like that it was me.  When I look back at those old pictures, I don't recognize myself.  It's as if I was some other person and in a way I was. Much of that time was my mom making me her personal barbie doll, picking out my clothes, shoes, doing my hair, applying makeup, etc.  She tried so hard to make me into something I was never comfortable with when I hit puberty.  Prior to that, I was a tomboy, wore comfortable shoes and clothes, played sports, etc. It was as if she felt I couldn't be that person anymore once I hit a certain age.  My mom was an overweight pre-teen back in the day and she was miserable.  It took her a long time to lose weight and by the time she hit 14 or 15, she met my dad.  So I suppose for my mom, happiness is only tied to how you look or how others perceive you and attracting a good spouse. I know my mom didn't want me to go through all the name calling and such if I was heavy as she went through, but interestingly enough, in all these years I've never felt any of that from folks.  I've maintained good jobs, I have wonderful friends and have enjoyed my life.

I think my time in the leather community probably affected me the most as far as self-esteem, sex appeal, confidence, etc.  There was something so awesome about regaining control of my life and belonging to something higher than myself.  That world provided family, support, entertainment, helping others and more than anything, I found my sex-appeal.  I grew into who I am today, a butch lesbian, since labeling seems to be the norm. Yep, I am certainly heavier than what I should be for my height.  I know that when I had my brush with almost dying, I certainly am looking at other factors health-wise.  I will never be a work out prima donna or anything like that.  I really just want to eat better and exercise.  Lately I've been walking and the other day, 3.3 miles.  I have a cool app on my phone that tracks the steps you take, how many calories you burn and it converts those steps into mileage.  My work has a big push on this stuff so it's been kinda cool, knowing that if you take some minor steps you can receive a discount towards your medical dues.  It's like $600 a year. 

The social worker reminded me that she sees a person who loves themself.  Through our process I have learned that I don't have an eating disorder or eat to solve emotional problems.  Laziness is more likely the culprit.  I have minimal interest in working out and spending that time.  I really want to find stuff that I can enjoy like walking.  I live in Elk Grove Village and it is so nice to have busse woods about a block a way. There are trails and stuff so it's easy to go there and walk.  I have a couple of friends that I've gone with and I think for me that's key.  Right now I'm looking for a walking buddy.  We don't have to do it everyday but at least twice a week if not three. 

I also realized recently that since I've moved away from the leather community I have not found an outlet for the daily stresses and anxieties.  I've met some new friends so many of my needs are being met but I don't have that physical outlet to let go.  I do miss the physical challenge of my masochistic side.  I know I am wired differently that's for sure.  My leather Daddy Nancy will be over later to do a "scene".  I have this thing about needles, not sure, I just know the endorphin rush is instant and the needles do not go in to deeply. It's kind of like putting a pin through the epidernmis of the skin on your finger.  The process I wouldn't say is painful but just enough to give you that high.  I have an appointment with my therapist today, it will be interesting to see what she thinks about this.  But through these appts with her she was unaffected .  I love that she didn't wig out about such things. I was rather surprised by her understanding of the leather bdsm world and about the need for pain and pleasure in a controlled environment.

So that's it for now.

Peace.