Community, Connectivity, Care

Community, Connectivity, Care....

Three very special words I've come to call upon like a mantra at a zen studio.

This weekend is GLLA's (Great Lakes Leather Alliance) 15th Anniversary.  I know for a fact I've been an attendee of at least half of their 15 yr event history.  I keep coming back no matter where I am in my life or in my leather journey which has undergone some unfamiliar nuances in the last 4 years of my 20 year tenure. As many of my readers and extended families in and outside the community will attest, it continues to be a struggle balancing the many wondrous interests I have and the stamina it takes to keep it all together, as well as the motivation to remain in service to the community especially when you are no spring chicken.  

For the most part when I go to these types of events, I tend to wait till after the weekend's festivities before writing my posts in my site here.  This year I've decided that perhaps this weekend, I break from the traditional way I do things and write as I experience the weekend. I almost did not make it this year.  I had a co-traveler but at the last minute she was unable to follow thru and I was uncertain if I wanted to drive from Chicago to Indy by myself.  Of course I knew there would be friends and family waiting so the idea of going it alone would be less intimidating, but recent months have found me in uncharted waters, trying to find the drive to get out and be seen, something that came so easy to me for so many years.

It's not that I've lost the passion or my interest in leather but I believe after almost losing my life two years ago, it's been a challenge trying to feel healthy again and motivated to do anything but re-examine my life and the choices I've made.  I found a great therapist which has helped me mentally to be strong and recognize that yes, I'm not invincible.  I think new things cause anxiety and without focus, you rush into decisions that may be perceived as reckless instead of the fearlessness you once felt in your 20s and 30s.

I spent the first 15 years of my leather journey in service to the community, educating, fundraising and of course playing but forgot to take the time and just enjoy.  Learning so much about myself from others who continue to watch over me, to figuring out what motivated me to strive to take back control in my life when my biological family took that away by trying to force me into a box of what they deemed was normal.  I had no purpose or focus before coming into leather.  My needs were simpler and getting them met brought back a lot of trust and confidence I had lost but found in others who made me feel safe again. Leather was a revelation, it was an epiphany. And those three oh so important words, community, connectivity and care, yesterday, were re-introduced to me when I attended a work shop Friday about looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing if that person looking back at you is recognizable.  

The work shop was a great way of self-analyzing yourself and looking at the roles that were assigned to you versus the ones you chose and how those roles can change through years as we grow and mature.  The class was a reminder that things that motivated you before may not be the same now and it's okay to feel confused and a little lost, not sure what your next move is. I was able to speak with the presenter after the session which was so helpful as she has known me for many years.  I see her each time I come back to GLLA, so it made a difference in what she said and her belief in me to figure it out. She gave me a work assignment to consider looking at my writing as something that I can use as a vehicle to give back and have an impact on others, something that I have always felt motivated me. It's been missing the last couple of years because the initial way I went about things is no longer viable or simply isn't working for me at this stage in my life.  And that's okay, nothing I need to feel anxiety about. I am exactly where I need to be she said, and she's right. 

After the workshop, I spent some time with my Mentor, Big Paw about the session and it's impact on me.  All she said was "I knew it would help you, which is why I suggested it." Care, yes, I am fortunate to have maintained those deep friendships that are more like family now. Community, yes, being here at GLLA reminded me again of why even if you feel lost, you can be found. Connectivity, well that's an interesting word as it wasn't until later last night at the Ash Bash that a guy approached me who was in that same workshop who thanked me for my honesty in standing up in that workshop and admitting to everyone in there that I am struggling with not knowing what's to come next.  It seems he has had the same uncertainty in his own journey and hearing my story impacted him.  

So for now, I will sign off.   More to follow....

Update on Sunday, October 16, 2016 at 06:30PM by Lisa Lacriola aka T.Langdon Squire

As promised I wanted to write a little bit more about GLLA this year.

I have been filled with so much joy at the evolution of the leather scene.  It was truly an amazing weekend seeing so many groups represented.  It was equally wonderful to see 6 contestants for Ms. Great Lakes Leather Pride, all with similar formats about being seen and recognized for their passion, service, play, no matter if they are straight, gay or bi, femme or butch, leather, kink, levi, etc.

I also saw for the first time the Great Lakes Trainer and Puppy contestants.  This was something I was truly mezmorized by.  It is certainly true that we as people are drawn to animals as they give us unconditional love and never sass back and whenever you are in a bad way, you come home with a welcome wiggle of their tail and ther heads laid in your lap. They put so much trust in you as their masters that it really is rather apropho given the many types of relationships, Daddy-boy or Daddy-girl or Master Slave, leather Sirs and boys, that you can see that love and service in the trainers and their puppies, playing out in the competition. I think by far the 2nd night of the contest absolutely moved me to tears as I watched commands given and puppies following.  It really was quite special.  

I've watched many a dog show but seeing that come alive in my community was phenomenal. It affected me so much that for a brief moment I wanted so bad to be that puppy in my little mask and leather made paws so I could walk on all fours being asked to sit, roll over, stay, follow, stack, present, all this was truly amazing to watch and then to be rewarded for my obedience, getting a toy or a pat under my chin or a tickle on my tummy.  I may have to revisit this possibility in a "scene" capacity in the near future.  I think it might be a wonderful and unique experience for sure.

The whole weekend was definitely something I needed to be a part of.  I keep struggling, often times feeling so out of touch and not as involved in the service aspect of the community in addition to the play as I once was.  This weekend I found myself more of an observer than a participant. As such, I was able to remind myself how much this world means to me and no matter what next choices I make, the community will always been in me and I in it.  

Peace