A Rock Amongst The Pebbles

It was a Saturday like so many before, waking up to the wonderful smell of coffee permeating the apartment air, brewing precisely at 8am. Ah the first sip of the day quickly awaking my sleepy eyes getting ready to go to my therapy session. I was looking forward to seeing my therapist today as I’ve been feeling out of sorts dealing with some transitions in my life moving away from certain activities that I was once passionate about to seeking other adventures and experiences I’ve become open too.

When I got to my therapist’s office I was suddenly drawn to this rock that was amidst a landscaped garden full of pebbles. It took me by surprise as I had never felt such a pull towards nature and its beauty in a way that made me pause to admire the unique arrangement.  The rock was slightly larger than the pebbles which were all relatively the same size in shades of whites and grays but the rock was rounder, bigger and of a yellowish hue and was sitting on top of the pebbles instead of mixed in between them. I thought how curious that I would notice this but it seemed rather apropos given the recent challenges I had been dealing with over the past 8 months or so. 

When I was sick in March I had almost died.  My hemoglobin level had dropped due to a bleeding stomach ulcer.  I wasn’t aware anything was wrong but hemoglobin produces oxygen and I was finding difficulty in doing the most basic of things like walking to the car, picking up groceries and even talking was hard, shortness of breath and some pain in my chest.  I thought I had pneumonia but what they found when they took the chest x-ray was that I had a hiatal hernia.  It was pretty serious and I knew that I would eventually have to get surgery to repair the damage.

During my ordeal I was so grateful to everyone able to visit me in the hospital and when I was home recovering. My friends are so very important to me and I’ve been blessed with these unique relationships that have enriched my life through the years. But lately I’ve felt more like that rock that didn’t seem to belong amidst the pebbles.  I do crave socialization so I am unsure why this sudden lone wolf mentality has been increasingly prevalent since my stint in the hospital back in March and recently for the surgery.  Health scares can change your perspective on life and how precious time is and how you spend it can directly impact your very existence.

It wasn't just my health that was suffering; my whole sense of who I am or who I thought I was became blurred. In those months the stress alone could have been a contributing factor in my illness. In addition to that, I was dealing with internal struggles between belonging to two worlds, the alternative-leather lifestyle and the lesbian community. It's no secret that I am wired differently so I gravitated to the leather world, drawn to the complexity and sheer delight of exploring various expressions of sexual intimacy, fantasy role-playing and power exchange. My journey into leather gave me a sense of belonging, purpose, confidence, and self-esteem, something I didn't feel or was lacking in my relationships within the lesbian community. 

Recently, I have met some new friends that have given me hope again in the lesbian community. I hadn't felt like I didn't belong as in the past and I didn't feel judged but finding the right partner to share my life was proving difficulty still. Seems you can't escape your past even if you are exploring more common activities and interests, at least that's been my experience thus far. Most people would find the leather lifestyle offensive so it's always been a balancing act between the worlds and what's happening lately is I'm in a free-fall, searching for a new identity that takes into consideration all my experiences to assist in shaping who I am to become in the future. In addition, I have been pulling away from other situations that seem to no longer meet my needs or are causing me to reconsider. For once in my life I'm finally working on myself instead of trying to be everything to everyone, thus the need for alone time.  

Despite being on my way to good health again, I've never been more afraid than now.  I have not been able to erase the outlines of the tape marks where they inserted the IVs and took and gave me blood. Sometimes at night when I sleep I wonder if I will wake. I count my blessings that I have friends in both worlds that were there for me and that for once I didn't have to choose between the lifestyles so that I wouldn't be alone.

Sometimes you have to step away from what's familiar in order to be open to new horizons and perhaps this free-fall I'm experiencing now will lead to a better understanding of who I am destined to be, a better me.