Epiphanies

I've been going to Therapy over the past few weeks.  It has been like an epiphany of how much I have neglected myself emotional, spiritually and physically.  I realized just in that first meeting with the social worker that the weight issue I had always struggled with way back when my mom would fight with me constantly about it that a best friend triggered those feelings of not being good enough or unattractive.  It was harsh how she indicated about how much sexier I looked back in my 20s and why I wouldn't want to look good again.  It was harmful as she knows how I feel about this issue, especially how painful that whole part of my life was back then and my mom constantly harping on me going to such extremes. I can recall vividly my mom weighing me every morning and every night and if I didn't maintain a weight she was satisfied with she would not allow me to play softball.  With all that stress my weight fluxuated up and down no wonder I'm not a fan of the process.  I was never one to work out or care about such matters.

The last 15 years I've been maintaining a heavier weight but at least I stopped yo-yoing up and down. When I was less in weight and had long, curly 80's hair do, I never felt like that it was me.  When I look back at those old pictures, I don't recognize myself.  It's as if I was some other person and in a way I was. Much of that time was my mom making me her personal barbie doll, picking out my clothes, shoes, doing my hair, applying makeup, etc.  She tried so hard to make me into something I was never comfortable with when I hit puberty.  Prior to that, I was a tomboy, wore comfortable shoes and clothes, played sports, etc. It was as if she felt I couldn't be that person anymore once I hit a certain age.  My mom was an overweight pre-teen back in the day and she was miserable.  It took her a long time to lose weight and by the time she hit 14 or 15, she met my dad.  So I suppose for my mom, happiness is only tied to how you look or how others perceive you and attracting a good spouse. I know my mom didn't want me to go through all the name calling and such if I was heavy as she went through, but interestingly enough, in all these years I've never felt any of that from folks.  I've maintained good jobs, I have wonderful friends and have enjoyed my life.

I think my time in the leather community probably affected me the most as far as self-esteem, sex appeal, confidence, etc.  There was something so awesome about regaining control of my life and belonging to something higher than myself.  That world provided family, support, entertainment, helping others and more than anything, I found my sex-appeal.  I grew into who I am today, a butch lesbian, since labeling seems to be the norm. Yep, I am certainly heavier than what I should be for my height.  I know that when I had my brush with almost dying, I certainly am looking at other factors health-wise.  I will never be a work out prima donna or anything like that.  I really just want to eat better and exercise.  Lately I've been walking and the other day, 3.3 miles.  I have a cool app on my phone that tracks the steps you take, how many calories you burn and it converts those steps into mileage.  My work has a big push on this stuff so it's been kinda cool, knowing that if you take some minor steps you can receive a discount towards your medical dues.  It's like $600 a year. 

The social worker reminded me that she sees a person who loves themself.  Through our process I have learned that I don't have an eating disorder or eat to solve emotional problems.  Laziness is more likely the culprit.  I have minimal interest in working out and spending that time.  I really want to find stuff that I can enjoy like walking.  I live in Elk Grove Village and it is so nice to have busse woods about a block a way. There are trails and stuff so it's easy to go there and walk.  I have a couple of friends that I've gone with and I think for me that's key.  Right now I'm looking for a walking buddy.  We don't have to do it everyday but at least twice a week if not three. 

I also realized recently that since I've moved away from the leather community I have not found an outlet for the daily stresses and anxieties.  I've met some new friends so many of my needs are being met but I don't have that physical outlet to let go.  I do miss the physical challenge of my masochistic side.  I know I am wired differently that's for sure.  My leather Daddy Nancy will be over later to do a "scene".  I have this thing about needles, not sure, I just know the endorphin rush is instant and the needles do not go in to deeply. It's kind of like putting a pin through the epidernmis of the skin on your finger.  The process I wouldn't say is painful but just enough to give you that high.  I have an appointment with my therapist today, it will be interesting to see what she thinks about this.  But through these appts with her she was unaffected .  I love that she didn't wig out about such things. I was rather surprised by her understanding of the leather bdsm world and about the need for pain and pleasure in a controlled environment.

So that's it for now.

Peace.