LOSING THE ME INSIDE THE WE
Wednesday, October 15, 2008 at 07:38PM For the most part, relationships are at their strongest when activities, interests, expectations, responsibilities and the like are communicated effectively between the parties in the relationship. This is not always the case when you have two people who have very different priorities, wants, needs and desires, during the dating process vs commitments that are made, changing the points of views drastically. Most often, expectations for one party do not coincide with the other. I would have to say that I see this scenario most often when one person is accustomed to a 24/7 style of living whereas the relationship is inclusive, entertainment, activities, friendships, and everything is predecated on the two people doing everything together. So what happens when the other person does not share this philosophy? Chaous, confusion, loss of individuality, etc., especially when one expects their partner to change as the relationship progresses to meet their own needs, wants, desires, thus the potential for losing the me inside the we.
For the most part, couples do accept each other for who they are whether they are dating or if they both decide to get married or have a commitment. However, society sometimes reeks havoc on that school of thought and it is easy to expect more from your partner, since you are now married and not just dating. I guess I am of the idea that you should continue to be who you are and not change because someone else might see things differently. Losing yourself isn't based on how often or how minimal you may spend time with your partner, it's a feeling you begin experiencing while you are involved, causing an individual to feel like their wants, needs, or desires are no longer their own but more or less their partners. It is common for folks to compromise a little to help the relationship along, keeping both parties continually happy as they progress and grow, but sometimes even though you may not realize it, you begin to change certain aspects of yourself with the intent of making the other person happy. This is a catch 22 because if you change or adjust to much to what you perceive the other person needs, you may find yourself lost in the WE.
I remember vividly a past relationship I had where I did adapt to my partner's needs. It wasn't that what my partner required was all that different than what she was used to while we were dating, it's just when it's expected of you on a 24/7 basis, it can be pretty overwhelming. Some changes are not always emotional, I grew my hair out, and I even started to wear dresses and skirts instead of more comfortable clothes because my partner preferred a more feminine looking person and not the tomboy she met initially. My partner became engrossed in what she perceived as something I wanted to explore but not necessarily something I wanted to become. Don't get me wrong, I did love the attention bestowed by my partner, but after awhile, I just didn't feel like I was myself. I had changed way too much. The relationship ended although on good terms, but it still hurt nonetheless. I think that's why I still feel it is so important to maintain your own ideas, philosophies, interests, activities, friendships, and the like in order to have a happy and healthy relationship. It certainly helps to communicate any problems, but I did not do that in my prior relationship because I was already dependent from a monetary standpoint and I was afraid if I rocked the boat, I would find myself out on the streets, afterall, it was her place and not mine.
But I digress...I would never want to feel trapped or smothered as I did in that past relationship, afraid to speak my mind or fearing some kind of retaliation. It's so easy to put some things aside when you are with someone who loves you, but you still need to be careful about being something you are not. Just remember, they chose and accepted you for who you were, not for some potential or possibility they expected you to become.
Reader Comments (4)
If the relationship is a 24/7 living together one, then what you profess is true. When all someone sees day in and day out is that one person, with no other activity but being with that one person, then things can get boring and old. But when one is so much in love that they marry, I would think that one would want to share more than minimal time.
How does one loose their identity (or "me") to someone they only spend minimal time with?
In response to anonymous person who wrote comments regarding that you should want to spend more time with someone if the two people get married. Not everyone is comfortable with being one person's be all end all, and some people are accustomed to a much more independent lifestyle without feeling expected to or obligated to spending more time with someone because society seems to think this is how it should be when people marry or become comitted. It's important to maintain your own friends, activities, etc, outside of that person you've chosen to spend your life with. In doing so, you bring more things to the relationship instead of growing bored with the same old routine.
In response to anonymous person who wrote if you don't spend a lot of time with someone, how can you lose your identity... Sometimes, and I am guilty of this, you give in to the societal pressures of what you should do vs what you want to do. We all have hectic work schedules and unfortunately, the weekend is the only time you have to hang out with friends, or perhaps you want that time alone, as well as one on one time with your partner. At times, folks may need to do for themselves or spend quality time with friends whom they may have not seen as often as they once did because the relationship has taken a greater priority. It's important to do things outside of your relationship, this is what keeps things interesting and not boring. Sometimes we are guilty of trying to do what we think is best for others, but in the end, we end up hurting ourselves, or compromising too much. For me personally, I need other things in my life in order to maintain my center or balance - this is not to say that some people out there do share the same philosophy that they would want to spend more of their time together, but that is not the same attitude for all people, that's the beauty of individuality and free will.
I think it is incredibly important to have individuality and freedom within a relationship. Expecting someone else to be your "everything" and to do everything together is both impractical and impossible. Unrealisitc, at best, it can become a trapped, limited existence, where neither party gets to do what they want or be who they truly are. Giving up your "self" to be loved, isn't being loved at all. There can be no "we" if you lose the "I".
People need room to breathe, to grow, to be. That is so amazingly important and so often overlooked.
I love reading and/or hearing about your philosophies. It's so nice to meet someone who is like-minded and on the same page. Kudos to you for writing this! :-)