Living with Addiction - Day 56

So, earlier this morning I had a dream. I wrote it down at 347am when I woke up. I was in a class with other students, and the teacher handed out a sort of phone guide. It had names and things, almost as if this was some type of training guide to handle calls, who to send certain conversations or experts to and basically, I would assume it was almost a sales guide or customer service, so perhaps I was at a work seminar, not sure. Anyway, within 5 minutes, the teacher came around and took the guide from us and basically said, you don't need them and I don't want you to rely upon them. Then, she started moving people around from their current seats to some other spot of her choosing. I remember in the dream I started crying and I literally said to her that she triggered something deep inside, and took a way the one thing I felt would make me successful and give me confidence, then you move me to the back of the class where I cannot see over people or you or the blackboard. 

The significance of this dream was profound to me. I've been working at being mindful of my triggers and I think this dream pointed out the need to be successful and not fail, or not be noticed or being insignificant. When I was in school, I would always sit in the front of the class so I could see better. I always felt at a disadvantage if I was not seen by the teacher or if I could not see what she or he was writing on the board. I always felt empowered when I knew what was going on, so when I would raise my hand, I would be noticed to then be called upon for the answer.  The dream, took away something that gave me an advantage which in my mind prevented me from being successful, so I cried, feeling like I had already failed before even starting. In the dream, I told the teacher that I was dropping her course and I stormed out of the class.

I wrote this one down in my phone, so I would not forget, as I fell back to sleep for another hour, then got up again. I think what surprised me about this dream as that I could interpret what it meant. Normally in dreams, you don't always get to do that. I try to look at symbolism, colors, sounds, stuff like that to help make sense of dreams, and that does not always work. Anyway, I am still on track to remaining habit free from the FB Caesars Slots game. I have an appointment with my therapist today, I will let her know what the dream was.

On a personal note, my advocate Kerry from my company's health program took the time to read some of my poetry from this site. I felt really honored that she did that. In our conversations she had mentioned what was it in my writing that helped me cope with things and I shared with her my processess and gave her the link. She liked the My Sister, My Life poem. She said, it made her weep. WOW!  I wonder if she read anything else? Maybe I'll ask her.