That Damn Duality

I’ve been a part of the leather alternative lifestyle since I was in my thirty’s. I had found a place where I belonged, full of wonder and curiosity. I had read quite a bit of erotic literature and was drawn to the lifestyle instantaneously. I wanted to experience it first hand and basically ‘live out’ my fantasies. But despite its many appetites, the leather lifestyle can however be discouraging if you do not identify as a top, bottom, dominant, submissive, sadist, masochist, and the occasional girl or boy. It’s unfortunate that society loves to label all things, whether merchandise or people and within my world there isn’t a big difference as we have a need to label too, mostly because the culture has a built in kind of visual communication to assist with helping one find what they are most interested in whether it’s a type of look, or activity. And if your personality has the complexity of a switch, that can be frustrating as people try to fit you into a neat little box when all you want to do is be yourself and enjoy all the various types of power exchange and / or role-playing available, depending on who you’re drawn too. We attract what we most desire, want or need at any given time in our journey of personal power and the leather environment invites and delights in a most unique way.

As with most people, I searched for that special someone to share my life and leather with. I was very active in the culture, was a founding member of the Chicago Leather Club and cultivated very strong relationships, some deep friendships, others, simply play partners and a very select few that I became intimate with. I wanted someone that was not only a part of the community but who was lifestyle-driven too. Early on it was an uphill battle trying to build a relationship because I identified as a switch, having to choose which side of the fence to play on, literally, plus, I saw myself as ‘lifestyle-driven’ rather than a ‘weekend-warrior.’ I think we all tend to go through stages and what was once necessary becomes occasional as your needs, desires and wants change as well as mature through time.  

In addition to my leather interests, I was also blessed with other friendships I gained through the years that were not leather-identified but I shied away from dating anyone 'vanilla' not for lack of trying; but if you tell most people that you enjoy the occasional pain of a flogger or the crack of a whip, the information will certainly send them running as far away from you as they can. Some folks do have a negative view of this lifestyle and unless they are willing to inquire further or ask those curious questions, trying to forge an intimate bond with someone who doesn’t get or understand you will prove difficult. Being well-rounded and complex as I am, does have its perks, but sometimes it’s a hindrance and what develops is a kind of duality that challenges your need for balance every day of your life, especially in matters of the heart, trying to meet someone else’s needs while continuing to respect your own. 

I owe tons of gratitude and thanks to the time spent in this world as I’ve learned a lot about myself and gained a level of self-confidence I never had before; not to mention, the voyeuristic and exhibitionistic thrills that opened me up to my own latent hedonistic desires. But after this past Int’l Mr. Leather weekend, something strange happened.  I had absolutely no desire to be out. I even said no, to attending the annual women’s play party with a beautiful lady who just swoons every time she sees me. I can’t deny that it’s a heady turn-on affecting her that way. Being very good friends and her trust in me would make doing a scene memorable and the power exchange, phenomenal as we’ve always danced around our mutual attraction but never acted upon it despite the chemistry.

Uncertain as to why I did not embrace being out and about, although it could have something to do with seeing my ex's face with her past lover, the one she went back to shortly after me, posted on FB. I was irked and hurt at the same time, feeling like the past year and half I spent was a waste of my precious time while she waited for her ex to come back to the community and claim her.  I had wrestled with the thought that I've outgrown this world that has made me a self-confident, sexy, self-assured woman who’s finally at peace with all of her complexity. Then again, maybe I have given up trying to find a balance between my vanilla life and my leather one. Seems like I've always had to choose one time or another, but perhaps this time I'm just done with it although it’s hard to imagine myself without a connection to the leather world. I’m clearly divided, not sure if what I’m feeling is permanent or temporary. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve stepped away to explore other avenues, but when I’ve been single, I would gravitate back to what was familiar and less complicated, avoiding serious attachments or deep intimacies to enjoy just being in the moment, without limitation or compromising too much of myself.

It’s always been a delicate balance for me relationship-wise, having to give up some parts of me to enjoy other interests or in order to make my partner feel safe and comfortable. But communication and trust goes both ways and not once has my interest in leather caused an indiscretion or hardship for anyone as I am brutally honest, much to a fault. I’ve even entertained the idea of being less honest, but that’s not in my nature. It’s been a hard ride navigating through the treacherous waters, recognizing and protecting yourself from individuals who wish to change the very thing they found fascinating about you in the first place.  And although I feel like I’m stranded in some type of limbo, a good friend assured me that when one door closes another one usually opens.

Peace