Last Night

Last night has got to be the worse, uncharacteristically-like evening that I have ever dealt with.  I can't recall the last time I just fell apart sobbing uncontrollably in my best friend's kitchen trying to figure out what the hell was going on with me.  Now perhaps it's all this pre-menupausel stuff that's got me hyped up or dangerously down or it could very well have been the whole bottle of wine I went through in a short amount of time at the party. Hell, even that was unlike me as I am usually the one in my group of friends that's always been the designated driver. I suppose it could be the stress I've been enduring over the past 6 months or so with my mom's failing health and the responsibility I have taken on to help her through these difficult times. Or, the ending of a year and half relatioship with a woman, feeling like I was just used so that she can win back her abusive ex which hurt me more than she'll ever know. I worked so hard to help her through that time in her life, building her up, making her feel valued, important, special, when she was so carelessly kicked to the curb. 

I have recently considered that my transition back into lesbian vanilla life has got me in a tailspin, trying to deal with that world of secrets and uncertainty, especially when you have an interest in someone and determining if you should make that move, or not, and without hurting a friendship. Those questions keep running through my mind like a bad dream, when will it be the right time to ask that question, or am I reading the signs correctly or just thinking they mean something 'cause I need them too? In the leather world it's so much more clear cut, everything is out there and open and just seems a bit more honest, although some may argue that a place where pain and pleasure co-exists could be anything but honest. But what most people don't understand is that our mantra is 'safe, sane and consensual'. I don't know of any other group of people who follow those ideals so closely and with passionate honesty. It is so much simpler understanding what you need and want and knowing who can give it to you. Even rejection seems easier 'cause there's always someone else you can be with if the desire is there. The visually-driven and open-style communicative environment is so condusive to experiencing any and everything you can possibly imagine that it's easy to forget how to express ones' self non-verbally.

I have always been straight-up honest and it has certainly caused a down-side as people can't deal with that type of openness. I have had some tell me I should be a little less honest, and hide or choose not to reveal certain things that others may find offensive or ignorant of.  But I see keeping secrets as a sign of an inner embarrassment, a less truthful existence or something that's more menacing, ethically wrong within.  What last night did prove is that maybe I'm not as ready as I thought to come home again, or maybe I should remain in the home where I was welcomed, felt I belonged, and grew up, well ahead of my peers.