The End of Summer Blues

Dear Universe -

Damn you! You've taken me thru so much this summer.  I must admit though it was the best summer I have ever had.  I'm fully aware of the transitions that have been taken place all around me.  Things I used to or thought I knew about myself are quickly changing.  There are always turning points in one's life and they say the Goddess never takes us through more than what one can handle, but damn you Goddess!

I just recently found out that someone I have been carrying a torch for years is moving out of state permanently.  She was a very big part of my BDSM world since I started out as a little cub. She has been there for me thru the hardest times and we've always had the most sexually charged chemistry ever. She was always in an out of my life, we just never got the timing right.  She is a very complex lady and I suppose it was why we understood each other so well. But she's just one more piece that has crumbled the foundation of my leather life. I can't imagine how things would have been if I had not allowed myself the experience of leather in all its many facets. It made me strong, confident, sexy, wanted, desired, and most importantly, that I belonged. The community became my extended family with a surrogate parent like my Daddy N who thankfully is still around. I can't imagine how much more disconnected to the leather world I would feel if I lost her too.

In the meantime, this summer has been all about meeting new friends who have intercepted me from one world and have welcomed me into their lives.  Although I still don't feel like I belong.  I have so many sides of my personality and my interests are just as wide-spread.  I just never felt like I had to choose between worlds, as I am a part of both. I am a duality and have dealt with it for years but for the first time I feel alone as if I don't belong anywhere. I'm sure all these crazy moods have more to do with menopause than anything else. Still, I have not been able to grasp the breadth of this new existence I am in now.

This summer also brought in my life a very special lady.  I always wondered if it was possible to have such a strong connection to another without sexuality.  With her its an incredibly cerebral intimacy that I have found very satisfying. I do feel like I've looked after her this year.  She's had a tough go too. We are so much alike and it still puzzles me why it couldn't be more than just friendship.  Sometimes it feels like we are seeing each other but without the drama, pretense or pressures that come from dating. I definitely don't feel like she's leading me on in any way which is good, yet I can't help feeling this deeply rooted, mind-blowing connection to her. She's vibrant and keeps me guessing and challenges my ideas and perspectives and I like that back and forth we seem to have.

I think she has special gifts that bring out the best in people and an awareness or empathetic ability to calm a troubled soul. She should be in private practice as a therapist. I'm sure that's her long-term goal but in the meantime she has opened up herself to my complexity and I find her powerful, sexy and confident, although I don't think she sees herself that way.  She has been known to say "I am still a work in progress." I know that I represent all that is good in a person. She feels safe with me, protected, loved, and she knows I would never abandon her. In fact the qualities that I bring to her are the same qualities that I have been in need of myself and in some strange way I feel some of her own ability to be a caretaker rub off on me, though she would never admit that.

Our friendship is not difficult or disconcerning for me, but I can't deny that being able to touch her more than mentally would be unbelievable but for now that's not what she needs from me. Lately I've been enjoying her playfulness as the summer has progressed and honestly, I'm ok with that.  I admit there is nothing I wouldn't do for her, and its funny she worries about being enough for someone and what I have come to realize in this short time, despite our cerebral intimacy, I may not be enough for her. Its never easy trying to let go of something you feel so strongly towards but people come into your life for many different reasons, and I believe she came into my life for me to see the possibilities of not selling myself to short and that I am more than my sexuality.