The Friendship Conundrum

I could not sleep last night as I was plagued with questioning some of my friendships, after a recent conversation I had with one of my friends. I have been wondering if I've been too accommodating to her. I had read an article some time ago about watching for the signs of one-sided friendships and I was surprised by some of the findings that seemed to fit my situation with her. For example, feeling like I'm always giving but never receiving, or being there for her, but her absence whenever I need to talk. Of course, this is not what I feel for all my friends, even with her, she pulls through. But, sometimes it feels like they only reach out when they need my help, support, or my insights instead of just calling to check in on me, which would be nice.

I had gone to a very good friend's house for Thanksgiving and this other friend of mine texted and said to give her a call on that Thursday. I told her I was headed to friendsgiving with other people and mentioned if I could call her Friday. She first responded fine, then an hour later, she said, I'll call you instead, but then never called on Friday. By Saturday, she texted me again, and said we needed to discuss something and of course, I was like, sure, when are you available? So we talked, and all she did was reprimand me for not calling her Thursday when she felt I should have known she needed to talk given one of her close relatives had passed away a few months prior.

We talked multiple times regarding the death in her family and yet, she thought I could read her mind that she needed me and that I was not available to her which she felt was wrong of me. First off, I had no idea there was a problem as no where in her text did she tell me, "Hey, I'm struggling and I really need to talk to you." It did surprise me because she just took a camping trip with her cousin to get away for awhile to heal, so I would not have any idea she needed anything further form me. Then, she reprimands me about my new adopted dog Paisley, saying why was she the last to know, which was not true. I just got my pooch and had not mentioned her to everyone, yet. We did reconcile this mess, but I felt horrible and I was treated unfairly.

I suppose in an odd way, I set this situation in motion years ago, with always accommodating her, calling her, making sure we stay connected, etc., especially since she moved out of the area, about 6 years now, we used to live in. I cannot fault her when the friendship has always been one-sided in one way or another or expect things to change. I'm not even sure how to change the patterns that I set in place.  It's also not just her, there are others, for the same reason.

I have sometimes felt that I am the one who always initiates conversations which can be exhausting. Although, I respect people's busy schedules. I think because my life has been much more flexible than most, so I find myself keeping the friendships going or my intimate relationships working to ensure we stay connected. I'm a child of abandonment trauma from my family, so this is probably why I steadily stay on top of communications, even when it comes to making plans. Sometimes, I just wish the other person would initiate instead of waiting on me.

Can I really expect the same people who have grown accustomed to my initiation, ask for a little reciprocation in return? The jury is still out on that. I worry now because I have a responsibility to take care of my dog Paisley, so I cannot always be available to folks. I'm not often a very sociable person, so it's not like there's a nuance to my friends that I'm home, it's just now, more frequently as I am in the early stages with Paisley, and eventually, I'll be able to leave for longer periods of time. I live in a condo and I worry that she will bark a lot while I'm gone and that could present problems for me going forward. Although I cannot imagine my condo association throwing me out. Dogs do bark. For the most part, she's been a pure joy and I have not had any problems but again, I have not tested her boundaries or mine yet.

I'm grateful for two other friends of mine who absolutely love Paisley and whom I can bring to their place should I need to go out or get away for a while. Most of my friends have dogs or cats so people tend to understand the responsibilities that come with having a pet. Time will tell.