The Returning to Work Dilemma

During the 2020 Covid outbreak, to keep people healthy, working remotely became the norm. Everyone had to adjust their computers and stuff at home so that productivity would not get compromised and we also began having communications through other platforms like Zoom or Teams, or anything similar.  This transition worked miraculously and now as we move into 2025, many companies are pushing for employees to come back into the office as with the company I work for.

I find this counter-productive. Why would you aggressively ask people to come back into the office when things have worked out in the interim? Morale is high, in my opinion, and productivity is fantastic, well at least according to my performance evaluation, whereby, over the last 3 years I've improved to level 4 status, in a scale that goes from 1 to 5, 5 being, well, well, beyond expectations, 4, more than expected. 3 is usually, meets expectations and anything lower would not be good. With my job, I do not have any direct-client relationships, and even training, has been successful working from home utilizing the Microsoft Teams platform.  My department hired someone who lives on the east coast so, obviously this person cannot commute to the Rolling Meadows, IL Corporate Offices, however, there has been no lapse in her training process and she is doing better than expected, and of course with Teams, I can see her and hear her on the other end.

There isn't any way for me to provide specs or generate reporting that's tangible for these kinds of positive indicators to upper management and yet, they also cannot provide any concrete evidence that going back into the office will increase morale or increase productivity or sales, considering, my deparment itself, does not generate revenue for the company. Our job is to make sure the premiums and accounting stuff for the client service teams meets company protocols and guidelines, and that the client's are assured their payments are applied correctly and that our carriers are paid timely.  There has not been a gap in this process, within my department since Covid. We also incorporated an inter-company helpline to assist in continuing to provide expert support to our client teams all across the U.S., Canada, and abroad.

My manager has 3 employees, 2 of which, do not live in Illinois and are not expected to fly here to be in the office during the week, so, I ask, why is it expected of me? Here's the kicker, early on, when the company first started asking people to come into the office, I was diligent about following this, where others, were not as diligent, but now I have extenuating circumstances that make it less likely for me to get into the office as frequent, but this situation has not prevented me from doing my job effectively, remotely.

There is nothing in the corporate manifest that indicates, I will get fired by not coming into the office, however, I do feel some sense of guilt for not honoring their request, especially since they are only asking for people to come in once or twice a week.  Currently, the weather is not very condusive at this time of the year, and I believe that as the weather breaks and improves, there will be a better chance of going into the office. I am also confident that my current situation will improve. I continue to be proactive and very supportive of my manager who has been fighting the good fight to provide positive feedback that working from home has and continues to be very effective to her management.

I have contemplated moving out of state if that means, management will stop forcing something that is not necessary. I am 60 years old, and not interested in finding a new job, just to work remotely or move out of state, because, that will not benefit me, whatsoever. I do not know if I have a plan B should I get fired or laid off, but I would look for a job that allows the choice to work remotely. Maybe if the company provided some type of incentive or benefit for going into the office, this would help everyone. For example, being able to wear jeans, or setting up a day care for those parents who have children, or a doggy day care for those people who have special pets or pets that need a little more assistance than most, could prove beneficial. It can also be on the employees' money to pay the extra cost rather than the company.

I suppose the best if there is a best case scenario would be that I'd get laid off, rather than fired, which would not be out of the norm for this company as departments continue to become smaller and folks get shifted around to other departments just to save the company money and training, which is not unusual. I have been with the company for over 10 years and I would hate for this to happen because I'm only a few years away from retiring. The company does provide a decent package if laid off. If fired, I can collect unemployment which may buy me enough time till I officially retire. Honestly though, my only primary plan  is to have my condo and car paid for by the time I retire to put myself in a better financial situation considering I have always had to live check to check and never had a lot of money in savings or 401s.

For now, I think just putting out my thoughts can help alleviate some of my stress and anxiety over this, but it is a work in progress, and honestly, I do not know what to do with this situation as management will continue to aggressively push for working in the office, rather I agree with it or not.

Stay tuned. 

The Friendship Conundrum

I could not sleep last night as I was plagued with questioning some of my friendships, after a recent conversation I had with one of my friends. I have been wondering if I've been too accommodating to her. I had read an article some time ago about watching for the signs of one-sided friendships and I was surprised by some of the findings that seemed to fit my situation with her. For example, feeling like I'm always giving but never receiving, or being there for her, but her absence whenever I need to talk. Of course, this is not what I feel for all my friends, even with her, she pulls through. But, sometimes it feels like they only reach out when they need my help, support, or my insights instead of just calling to check in on me, which would be nice.

I had gone to a very good friend's house for Thanksgiving and this other friend of mine texted and said to give her a call on that Thursday. I told her I was headed to friendsgiving with other people and mentioned if I could call her Friday. She first responded fine, then an hour later, she said, I'll call you instead, but then never called on Friday. By Saturday, she texted me again, and said we needed to discuss something and of course, I was like, sure, when are you available? So we talked, and all she did was reprimand me for not calling her Thursday when she felt I should have known she needed to talk given one of her close relatives had passed away a few months prior.

We talked multiple times regarding the death in her family and yet, she thought I could read her mind that she needed me and that I was not available to her which she felt was wrong of me. First off, I had no idea there was a problem as no where in her text did she tell me, "Hey, I'm struggling and I really need to talk to you." It did surprise me because she just took a camping trip with her cousin to get away for awhile to heal, so I would not have any idea she needed anything further form me. Then, she reprimands me about my new adopted dog Paisley, saying why was she the last to know, which was not true. I just got my pooch and had not mentioned her to everyone, yet. We did reconcile this mess, but I felt horrible and I was treated unfairly.

I suppose in an odd way, I set this situation in motion years ago, with always accommodating her, calling her, making sure we stay connected, etc., especially since she moved out of the area, about 6 years now, we used to live in. I cannot fault her when the friendship has always been one-sided in one way or another or expect things to change. I'm not even sure how to change the patterns that I set in place.  It's also not just her, there are others, for the same reason.

I have sometimes felt that I am the one who always initiates conversations which can be exhausting. Although, I respect people's busy schedules. I think because my life has been much more flexible than most, so I find myself keeping the friendships going or my intimate relationships working to ensure we stay connected. I'm a child of abandonment trauma from my family, so this is probably why I steadily stay on top of communications, even when it comes to making plans. Sometimes, I just wish the other person would initiate instead of waiting on me.

Can I really expect the same people who have grown accustomed to my initiation, ask for a little reciprocation in return? The jury is still out on that. I worry now because I have a responsibility to take care of my dog Paisley, so I cannot always be available to folks. I'm not often a very sociable person, so it's not like there's a nuance to my friends that I'm home, it's just now, more frequently as I am in the early stages with Paisley, and eventually, I'll be able to leave for longer periods of time. I live in a condo and I worry that she will bark a lot while I'm gone and that could present problems for me going forward. Although I cannot imagine my condo association throwing me out. Dogs do bark. For the most part, she's been a pure joy and I have not had any problems but again, I have not tested her boundaries or mine yet.

I'm grateful for two other friends of mine who absolutely love Paisley and whom I can bring to their place should I need to go out or get away for a while. Most of my friends have dogs or cats so people tend to understand the responsibilities that come with having a pet. Time will tell.

  

Excerpt - Covenant - Enna

“Toni, you still believe Elena is alive?”

“She is! I have seen her, but she is unable to shift into her human form. I have been in communication with her, and last night we were able to share our thoughts and those of the pack. She is their alpha.”

“Have you stopped taking your medication?”

“I never started. There is nothing wrong with me!”

“Toni, I just want to help, but you are not a shape-shifter.”

“You were there in the cave when I came out of my wolf form. You saw it then, as you saw it before in February. You cannot tell me that you are so hung up on your science and tangible proof that you will not allow yourself a belief in the supernatural.”

“I believe in many things, Toni. It is why I wanted us to meet again, and it has nothing to do with my relationship with Regan. Neither one of us would ever hurt you. Besides she is in love with you.”

“No, she is in love with what I am!”

“And what exactly is that?”

My anger soon boiled over, and I lost control. I shifted to my wolf form, jumped on Enna’s desk, knocking things everywhere, and stared her down. I growled. She accidentally fell backward from her chair and hit the floor with a crash. Good thing her floor was carpeted. She lay there for a second before reaching for the letter opener thrown from the desk along with her papers, readers, notepad, and pen. She stabbed me in the shoulder blade, but I hardly felt it through my thick fur. It only distracted me temporarily. I grabbed the letter opener with my mouth and spit it out, and it harmlessly fell to the floor. She quickly ran into the breakroom, slamming the door behind her, screaming “Holy Shit! What the Fuck!”

I suppose I could have stopped her. After a while, I heard her voice.  It was quiet, meek. “Toni?” She was sobbing. I could sense her trembling with fear. I shifted back again.

“Do you believe me now, Dr. Weber?” I said in my most whimsical tone. “I told you so.” There was no response, right away. I paused. 

 “Hey, while you are in there, could you bring me something to wear? Ah, and I might need a Band-Aid.”

She opened the door slightly and handed me what looked like a lab coat, then closed the door, almost crushing the damn thing before I could grab it.

“Doc, open the door. I promise I will not hurt you,” I said, musing about Little Red Riding Hood.

The door slowly opened as she hesitantly peeked at my now human form dressed in the lab coat and came out of the breakroom. I observed her movements as she slowly backed up toward her fallen chair while she kept a watchful eye on me. I was trying not to chuckle at the thought of her logical mind trying to process what happened. I know that may sound somewhat childish of me, but damn it, enough is enough! I honestly did not think I would shift, or could, but I was just plain, damn tired of all the secrecy. My ability to transition must be getting stronger, I thought.

Once she collected herself and straightened up her desk, Enna put the chair right side up and sat down, while keeping an eye on me. I was trying to squash my exuberance as I took a seat across from her with the desk conveniently in between us. She opened her desk drawer, and her hand nervously shook as she pulled out a bandage and handed it to me. I waited for her to speak because I refused to explain why I did what I did, but frankly, it was about time she pulled her head full of scientific theories and bullshit out of her ass.

“You need a minute?” I asked. “I can go outside for a while.”

“No, no, well, yes, maybe, kind of, sort of.”

“Why, Dr. Weber, a loss for words?” I challenged.

“Okay, first off,” she scolded. “You cannot just spring this shit on someone!” Then she leaned across her desk and touched my shoulder.

“Did I, ah, hurt you?”

“No, the cut has probably healed. I honestly did not plan on this, but I am glad it happened. You needed to see.”

“A little warning next time, please?”

“Sorry. I am surprised at how well you are taking this.”

“Believe me, it is not as easy as you perceive. In seconds, I had to reevaluate everything I learned about biology, genetics, science, and nature while you were acting like a smartass.”

“Sorry, Doc.”

“Whew,” she took a deep breath and then spoke. “Okay, my eyesight must be fucked. I know what I saw, even without my readers, whether my mind wants to acknowledge it or not.”

“Okay, good start, Doc.”

“So, you are a shape-shifter?”

I briefly opened the lab coat and showed her where she stuck me and the gash that was now just a blemish. “Now you’ve got it,” I said.

“I’m not sure I got it . . . . How is this even possible?”

“Evolution,” I answered. “I am a descendant of Aradia."

"Excuse Me?"

"Yes Enna. I know it's hard to believe. In Italian mythology, she went by many names, the Great Goddess, the Moon Goddess, and even, "Queen of the Witches" but she was also known as Lilith in other circles.”

Excerpt - Covenant - Origins

“Aunty? What ever happened to Maria? What is L’ordine Del Lupo?”

“Ah, your Italian has improved since I last saw you. You were barely 21. We will talk about Maria another time, my curious one. Please take comfort that Maria lived a long life, and remained in her wolf guise, even in her death. I will take you to our sacred grounds when the time comes as she is buried with others of our kind.”

“There were more of us?”

“Oh yes. Your great, great grandmother, Antionette whom you were named after, and my mother Lucia whom I lost when I was so very young and others before them. My mom’s early death limited my education with all of this, which is why the journal seemed so incomplete. But I will tell you what I do know of witchcraft and L’ordine Del Lupo.”

And so she began...

“The Origini or origins of the ‘blessed’ mythology tells of a spirit referred to as Lilith whose energy existed in the atmosphere and sprung from an unknown mighty force. In certain circles, the people believed that this force was nature, a Goddess who existed alongside the Christian God, but in secret. The story goes that God transformed Lilith into a human to serve Adam. This was a punishment against the Goddess, who had spurned God’s deceitful and immoral advances. The Goddess, however, did not want Lilith to endure what she had. The Goddess gave Lilith special gifts, like the ability to see into the future, to create remedies for healing and prosperity, and the inner strength to be self-sufficient. She also imbued her with the knowledge of the universe and a belief that her personal choices were to be valued, respected, and not ignored. She never wanted Lilith to feel powerless or made to serve Adam or anyone. Lilith was the first feminist and you already know in centuries to follow, some called the followers of Lilith witches.

Adam though, had come to fear Lilith’s abilities and asked God to bring him someone that he would not fear. As such, Eve sprung from Adam’s rib so the bible tells. After granting Adam’s request, God still cursed Lilith by turning her into a creature of the night, a wolf. God told Adam to follow in the light, always, as reparation for the gift of Eve, which he had bestowed upon him. If Adam did that, God would protect him when night fell.

Although the Goddess’s powers were limited, she was able to transform Lilith into her human form during the day, but Lilith reverted to her wolf form at night. Lilith continued using her talents to help others as she traveled to faraway lands when she was human. Eventually, her wolf form waned and only appeared during the full moon cycles. As time progressed, the word of Lilith began to spread and her teachings and healing abilities were well known everywhere.  

After the death of Eve’s son, Abel, by Cain’s hand, God made Cain immortal so that he would walk the earth for an eternity to live with the guilt of his crime. However, Lilith took pity on Cain, and to atone for his sins, he helped Lilith recruit other followers to her teachings. Lilith believed as the Goddess believed that there could only be harmony and equality if humans co-existed with nature for the benefit of all people, not just a select few.

Lilith and Cain’s descendants created supernatural beings, some manifested as good, others, as evil. You know them today as fairies, elves, demons, sprites, vampires, druids, and witches. The Druids were great teachers and prophets that possessed knowledge, beyond the physical realm, but unlike those beings who could exist alongside humans, they often hid in the shadows and formed other secretive sects. Vampires and witches could take human or animal form so they were able to live in the mortal world.

For witches, though, Lilith’s lineage was weak. Some of her kin retained their wolf form as day turned into night while others stayed human, and few could be both. Those who no longer possessed their wolf form when the full moon was high, formed an organization called The Order of the Wolf, in Italian it means ‘L’ordine Del Lupo’ to help protect those who could shift, ‘the blessed,’ from others who would do them harm. The offspring of Cain, however, needed human blood to survive, and could only exist in the dark. This is why vampires cannot survive during the day, as they would perish due to the sun's light.

As the wheel of time turned and after Lilith’s mortal death, Cain chose to bury himself deep into the ground because he could no longer live knowing he could not control his need to kill others to survive. Without Lilith to guide him, his guilt and shame sent him into a dark depression and finally a kind of quiet death, never to rise again. The Order of the Wolf continued to prosper for centuries thereafter, through wars, religious upheavals, and famine with one goal, to keep Lilith and Cain’s histories alive and to use the powers of nature and the universal energy of the cosmos to bring about health and prosperity to those who needed it and would never take it for granted.”

“So, I’m a descendent of Lilith?”

“Yes. You my little one, can be human or wolf any time day or night, and you are a powerful witch.”

“So, other supernatural creatures have co-existed with humans throughout the centuries?”

“Yes, but you may not have seen them. They are at risk if found out and some cannot pass for humans, but you will feel them when the winds blow, storms rage, the grounds shake, the tides shift or the leaves fall. Their energy is all around you; some say Lilith’s unyielding, eternal power and goodwill still exist within all of them, even beyond her mortal death. Nevertheless, my little one you must beware of organizations that sprung up alongside The Order of the Wolf, as they had other goals. Some, to extinguish or control those who are different, and others, like The Covenant, kept watch over the supernatural population and would interfere, should a species become harmful to humans. It was believed that the members of The Covenant could see that which is unseen, but it is unknown as to how they received their second sight, as we called it. Many other organizations pretended to carry the banner of protection for all humans, but it was seldom equal.”

“So, are any of these organizations still around, today?”

“Sadly, I do not know. Since the Salem Witch Trials and the destruction of the wolf population, including many of those who were ‘blessed,’ few members of the Order of the Wolf remained. As far as the Covenant, it was assumed they split off into other factions, so there isn’t much information I have for you with their history.”

“I can’t be the only wolf-human shapeshifter alive?”

“I do not know how many of us are left and you might be the last of our kind. I was however, told of a prophecy when I was a little girl by my grandma Antionette that one day a child would be born out of wedlock on a Spring Equinox and that she would be the key to a new evolution for the ‘blessed’ and that her lineage would be powerful enough to continue our kind. I believe your birth was prophesized.”

“Me?”

“Yes, my little one.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because I am your father’s biological mother, not your grandma Sophia. My DNA was passed down to you through him because I had an affair with Sophia’s husband. Because of this, I was ex-communicated. Sophia raised your dad as if he was her own because the family believed that a child should not suffer for the sins of the parents. However, because Sophia did not have any female children and I was the eldest sister and unwed when I gave birth to your father; that is how you became one of the ‘Blessed,’ and why I believe the prophecy has come true.”

 “I’m sure that’s purely coincidental.”

“You still do not believe? My love, you are an evolutionary miracle and command great powers like the witches of old. Remember that day by the river basin? I came because I felt your energy when you cast your spell.”

“So, it was you, in your wolf guise.”

“Yes. But you already knew that deep down inside.”

“True, and now, I’m starting to believe…everything.”

“Good. You must remain vigilant, be careful, and embrace all that is you, as it will serve you going forward. It is why you were given the gift with my bite earlier than your 35^th birthday, that day.”

“So, you planned that?”

“Yes, as I said before, I grow weary of this life. I wanted your transition to happen sooner so that we would have enough time together for me to teach you all I know.”

“And the letter?”

“I wanted to get that to you sooner but couldn’t, so I hid it in the journal.”

“But what if I didn’t find the journal?”

“I had faith you would, Prophecies are seldom wrong.”

“True.”

Labels are for Campbell's Soup Cans

When it comes to intimate, romantic relationships, I was programmed like everyone else to expect that one person should meet all our needs. Yet for me, it seemed unrealistic. Especially as I matured, monogamy seemed increasingly unrealistic. The added pressures, expectations and complex personalities in general, I would think, could lend itself to problematic, unresolved conflicts, miscommunications, jealousy, or worse, infidelity. I did find some success with monogamous relationships, but they never lasted, as I compromised too much of myself in order to meet my partner’s needs and mine were rarely met.

In my early 20’s, I was engaged to my high school sweetheart, but when I met his ex-girlfriend, I started to feel an overwhelming attraction to her. It was a complicated time in my life as I struggled with finding my own identity. Was I gay? bi? exploring?  Concepts like polyamorous relationships never crossed my mind. I was raised in a monogamous household and led to believe in my family’s idealistic view of spending the rest of my life with one person. Still, I always wondered, “Why do I have to choose?”

After my breakup with my fiancé and realizing I was indeed in love with his ex, I felt certain that I was a lesbian, until I met Tina and Randy in my late 30’s. Sure, the concept of polyamory did intrigue me but, I soon realized that I had a very ignorant view of what that was. I learned it’s not cheating, swinging, a one-night stand, serial monogamy, or polygamy. Poly-situations involve two or more people in a caring, nurturing, intimate, enjoyable and satisfying existence. It’s a non-possessive, honest and ethical approach to loving more than one person at the same time.

Tina and Randy had an open marriage and I was just coming out of a monogamous relationship with a woman who was transitioning to male. The word transgender was something new to me. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself in such a confusing scenario. What I endured in my relationship to Adina becoming Anthony made my past indiscretions seem like child’s play. After Anthony, I was done with labels. Every definition of who I was up to that point in my life made absolutely no sense. I wasn’t looking for a commitment or long-term arrangement with Tina given all I had been through. Perhaps that was why she fascinated me so much.

Tina and Randy were the first couple I ever met that I related to, given my own experiences wondering if I was gay, bi, or straight. I didn’t have a relationship guru to turn to and not a lot of references to research. My upbringing did not prepare me for the overwhelming emotional roller coaster ride I was on. And I hate amusement parks. It wasn’t until I became attracted to Randy that polyamorous made sense. Of course, I questioned my lesbian status, but after coming out of the transgendered relationship, my view of gender conformity, sexual expression or what was defined as gay, straight, etc., changed considerably. We shared a committed triad and I felt pretty good for a while, safe and stable. At that time, I was still adjusting to being back in my biological families’ good graces after going through 13 years without their support. I was abandoned by them because I chose a different path and if it wasn’t for my father dying…

With Randy and Tina, I felt a sense of security and was loved unconditionally. But I was still not convinced that poly was the right choice for me. Had I chosen them or was it a situational convenience that motivated me after my split from Anthony? I think I’d probably still be with them if Tina hadn’t become less and less present in my life. Randy and I both felt that she was struggling with her own view of herself and couldn’t admit she was bisexual, given her own strict orthodox Catholic upbringing. Denying her true self is what prevented the relationship from moving forward and eventually, brought it to an end. I am still close to both of them but we share a deep friendship now.

Trust has always been an issue for me, so true intimacy has never been achieved in either my poly-situations or when I was married to Karen, around 2 years after my split with Tina and Randy. I think, if anything, I remain open to the possibilities. Every situation is different and the people involved are complicated and complex, just as much as I am. If anything, I’ve become my own personal relationship guru. Writing has become my chosen platform of expression and my inner voice, a kind of dictionary to help me translate my ever-changing world. 

These days I find myself becoming more isolated and less obsessed with finding the right partner.  I am well-aware that I say partner now instead of the right woman. I am still a work in progress, grappling with my own fears of abandonment.  I am not certain I believe in monogamy no more than I’m convinced that polyamory is the right path, or if who I am can be defined. Nowadays, there are so many more labels to pick from sitting on life’s proverbial shelf, just like Campbell’s soup cans.

What I’ve learned is that in any relationship, communication is key. Everyone has to be on the same page.  It’s common sense.  If you are monogamous then why would you pursue someone who is poly and vice versa? Ah…. but here we go again with labels and rigidity.  To me, love, gender and sexuality should remain as fluid as the parties involved. And somewhere along the line, I have to believe that I can achieve the right balance and the right relationship, no matter if it is poly, monogamous, trans, bi, gay, queer, non-binary, etc., etc., etc.